Week 7
Passionate Playback: Week 7
Well hello! I almost didn’t see you standing there. Come on in and make yourself at home. The Swifty Fan Club meeting doesn’t start for another hour, so we can just hang out and decompress after the long and frightening journey through a treacherous previous week of Fantasy. Me and my highly trained staff (of just me) is here for you as always and we’re offering you shelter from the post apocalyptic Fantasy World that was a Week 7 marred with sparse scoring from the game’s top players across the league. I came out taking more shots than Kobe last week, but this edition of the Passionate Playback is all about spreading the good vibes and Fantasy Love. I have Intern Greg whipping up some of those world famous chocolate chip cookies for later, so just sit back, relax, and let the stress just float away. Everything is going to be all right, you’re safe now with us. It may be tough to hear, but with an average of 129.6 points per team in Week 7, it was the lowest scoring week of the season to this point. A lot of us are now looking to multiple waiver additions to hopefully bolster our lineups and provide the spark we need that propels us into the playoffs. After the aforementioned brutal fantasy showing, there were a record 10 waiver claims processed, which is the most of any week so far this year. Coming into Week 8, many of us face a true crossroads in our season. Hence, it would be accurate to say you are not alone if you find yourself tossing and turning through the night, struggling to find solace in the fact you are relying on mid season waiver acquisitions to pull out wins right now. It is okay, my friend. It’s totally natural to feel that way, as these things are very delicate. So if it helps, I recommend grabbing the Crocs, and heading out for a long peaceful walk along the beach at sunset. Just stare off into the distance in deep thought, hoping your latest waiver add can lead you to victory, as the camera pans away and the touching lyrics of T Siz tug at our heartstrings, providing the soundtrack to your life.
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ ♪ ♬
My team ain’t the best
My roster’s never been worse, so
You must win games for me
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
But you can make my team stink
Dive bomb on the goal line, where you at?
Sleeper App lights my phone with the stats
End Zone, you’re open, in the back
A hundred yards and a touch, look at you
Oh damn, didn’t see a second TD too
Just think of the fun things we could do
'Cause I like you
This ain't for the best
My playoff chance’s never been worse, so
You must win games for me
Yeah, I want you…
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
Please don’t make my team stink
Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Delicate…
♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ ♪ ♬
Headlines:
Sunday night comeback ends with Kevin reported as missing; Smokin J’s edge Tryna Hopikns Yo DM 113.65 – 112
The staff is probably a little bit (okay a lot-a-bit) biased with our leading headline covering the big time show down of two of the top teams in the league, with my team defeating Kevin’s Jekyll and Hyde squad in a (kind of) thriller. However, since I am the one writing this, I get to take the opportunity to bask in the beauty of 5th win in a row. Perks of the job I guess… Deal with it. Anyway, both of us were seemingly trying to one up each other in horrific fantasy performances all Sunday long, until a late Sunday Night Dak Attack TD clinched the 6-1 record for me and mercifully ended what was otherwise a pitiful game of fantasy. The Thursday night Mahomes injury opened the door for my team ever so slightly, but it was going to be an uphill battle overcoming a 4th straight underwhelming effort by the three headed Chief-O-Dagger and my two RB studs out on Bye. After I made a quick early morning call to Kliff to give him some last second advice before the game on the offensive strategy (hint: feed Edmonds), I was rewarded considerably by netting a cool 36 by Chase freaking Edmonds. It proved just enough to skate by Kevin and ruin his golden chance for an important win as we make the turn into the back half of the season.
Looking at what this means for Kevin, even with the Edmonds’ break out game, the rest of my roster could only accrue a measly 77.65 points, and it just makes me laugh thinking of his reaction as the frustration and rage almost certainly continued to build as the day went along and he couldn’t put the game away. I can only imagine how absolutely infuriating it must have been for Kevin to watch it all culminate in his team going down by basically a single point, and he now has to come to grips with the fact he’s sandwiched his impressive Week 6 with 96.55 and 112 points in Weeks 5 and 7 respectively. With a disappointing 1-2 record in the last three weeks, Kevin falls out of a playoff spot and his butt hole gets just a little bit tighter while he tries to navigate the injury of his Alpha Dog QB. At 4-3 and still dead in the thick of the playoff hunt, he is gifted a matchup with the winless corpse of a roster in Kam’s team, and odds are he gets back on track to keep the playoffs very much in play. However, if he whiffs on another victory, underhanded to him by the schedule makers this week… Well, lets just say there’s going to be a giant dumpster fire full of Taylor Swift memorabilia.
As for me, with last week’s W, some might call it luck. I like to call it… Well, luck, I guess. So what? To be able to etch out a win in a week where I had already penciled in the loss and get the type of victory I feel like I have yet to be privileged enough to experience in this league before, needless to say it was it was a marvelous feeling. Is it a sign that the Fantasy Gods are finally on my side? Maybe? MAYBE! Now at 6-1 and a roster that is battle tested, we’ve officially stripped down the Chief-O-Dagger (5-0 since starting) to sell for parts and are re-tooling once more for the second half of the year. In Week 8, I face, statistically speaking, the best performing lineup in the league in DW’s tenacious fantasy gang, for another critical mid season matchup that could have major playoff implications come season’s end. I don’t feel great about it, but I do not question whom the Fantasy Gods choose to bless in a given season as the team of destiny, so I only come before you all, humbly offering myself up as worthy candidate for such an honor. Dear Fantasy Gods, hear my prayers! Amen!
DW and Tyler flex on the league with blowout wins
In the lowest scoring week of the season, both Tyler’s and DW’s teams were unfazed by the assemblage of terrible fantasy outings across the league, en route to both of them achieving the two highest point totals and snatching big wins. For Tyler, he was able to weather a 59 burger by A Rod by countering with a combined 64.6 from Waller and Latavius Murray, gliding to the easy victory. In a season of close games and oddities for Tyler, he produced another weird stat by (probably) becoming the first manager to win a game while the opposing team has a player score 59 or more points. I’m not going to do the research on that one… I’m just going to act like its true. In any case, even though Sony scored 22, there has to be something to the fact he was rewarded for being willing to bench his team’s namesake for more prudent fantasy options last week. While most of the other bottom-feeding teams in the league continue to make head-scratching decisions of blind trust that cost them dearly, it appears Tyler may have found the perfect blend of boldness and savvy to get the most out of his team. At 3-4, he still has a respectable chance at the playoffs, and if he can beat Trevor in Week 8, he will be guaranteed to be only one game out of a playoff spot with five games left in the season. (Side note: if Kyle were to also win, they both would be at 4-4 and one game out of playoff spot. Things could start to get really interesting at that point.) However, a loss probably seals the season for him and he could forget about any dreams of capturing the league’s first back-to-back ship. No pressure.
Turning our attention to DW, in Week 6 we saw the first chink in his team’s formidable Teflon armor of consistency. The staff (of just me) speculated that we might had seen a sign of regression from his squad, and, going forward, there was definite cause for some concern with Melvin not being as advertised upon his return to action. DW answered the critics, however, with an astounding 186.4 points to make it his third time as being the highest scoring team of the week. It turns out his Week 6 was merely a slight aberration off course in what has been, despite some of the worst luck in fantasy history, one of greatest stretches of pure and consistent point scoring in league history. Nonetheless, his prospects this season still remain murky in my mind as his 4-3 record has him in the middle of the playoff fight when it feels like he should be atop the standings. In any other year he is probably 6-1 and most likely would have the luxury of a large margin of error with his finish to the season. Not this year though, and he now has to remain just as consistently good to finish up just to keep his spot in the playoffs. I don’t know if we can bet against him, but with fantasy you can never bet against Madame Inconsistency jumping out from the shadows to sucker punch a seemingly good team at any time. Could DW still be on her radar? I guess we will have wait and see.
Alex uses Defense Against the Dark Arts to stop Trevor; wins 135.55-92.85
We’ve gone this long and we’ve yet to mention our fearless leader of the Emotional Friends League and current pole sitter on the standings midway through the season, Alex and his resilient fantasy crew. Much like my game with Kevin, he had to overcome ghastly performances by his roster, and for once, Trevor was unable to capitalize. Alex now finds himself in a very good position to capture a playoff birth and is definitely in the conversation as the favorite to win the whole damn thing. We didn’t know if Trevor’s propensity for conjuring the Dark Arts could be thwarted but Alex made great use of the lessons of the great and powerful Professor Lupin to turn Trevor’s greatest strength against him. In very a Trevor-like victory, he extended his winning streak to four games even after only tallying 135.55 points. He now gets to face what isn’t exactly a gauntlet of opponents in Grant, Kyle, and Daniel in successive weeks until my Week 11 showdown with him. There’s a very good chance he is 9-1 and looking to clinch the best record in the league at that point so we continue to heap more praise for the league’s top manager so far. You’re a wizard, Harry.
We don’t have to spend too much time on what this means for Trevor, other than what we have been preaching all year long, which is our belief that his team isn’t very good. Trev may disagree with my position, but the evidence provided by the stats so far this season supports he has been propped up by an uncanny amount of fortuitous breaks and doesn’t belong in the top tier of the league. Admittedly, the staff was very impressed with his Week 6 performance, but his Week 7 was a disaster that ensued in the second lowest scoring week of the season by any team (Jared/Grant’s Week 1 debacle with 78.95 is the lowest). So, he carries his fraudulent 5-2 record into a now very crucial matchup with Tyler, which could be the defining game of his season. If he wins with a high scoring output, then we might start giving credit where it is due and begin to mention Trevor as a legitimate threat to do damage in the playoffs. Yet, as it seems we have been trending to all season, if he loses, it could mean the beginning of his luck swinging the complete opposite direction as his mediocre team starts to get scored on in bunches and he loses out on a playoff spot. This game is definitely the under the radar game of the week and I can’t wait to see what happens. My guess? Tyler wins in another close affair.
Awards:
Shane Falco Best Bye Week Replacement Call of the Week – jressa plays Chase Edmonds
In the first unveiling of the Shane Falco award this season, I dole it out to none other than yours truly for epitomizing the spirit in which this award was created, with no exaggeration, the greatest bye week replacement play that I can remember. With a top five RB and the number one overall RB both on bye, it would come down to the barren wasteland that was the RB waivers to supply at least serviceable starters in my RB slots. Undaunted, with a masterful stroke of fantasy (*coughs*) genius by using Edmonds as a replacement, it allowed me to claim a victory that seemed like a for sure defeat. Waivering at its finest! I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style.
Dr. Rick Marshall Best "Fuck You" Performance of the Week – Tyler plays Latavius Murray
Ladies and gentlemen, my all time favorite award to give out, and I am overjoyed to announce we were lucky enough to see yet a second “Fuck You” fantasy performance this season and it goes to none other than Tyler for playing Latavius Murray. In a crushing blow to his roster, Daniel, in the midst of a somewhat resurgent two game winning streak, had Alvin Kamara, his first round pick, highest scoring running back, and inspiration for his team name, ruled out with injury. Tyler didn’t waste any time by tossing Alvin’s backup, Mr. Murray, right into the flex spot with one hand while miming jerk off motions at Daniel with the other hand. Even though Tyler’s lineup wasn’t set perfect, it ultimately didn’t matter for him as he cruised to a big victory, halting Daniel’s win streak at two games. With Rodgers’ magical morning for Daniel, it was Tyler’s ice cold 33 points from Latavius in the afternoon that all bust sealed the victory for him. It all came together for the staff’s favorite happening in Fantasy: Star goes down, opponent plays backup, and opponent wins big while backup goes off. Soak it in folks, we don’t get too many of these and we just had the second one of they year. It boils down to two simple words. Time warps.
Power Rankings:
1. AlexAshak 6-1; Power Score: 9.2
2. DWwarner 4-3; Power Score: 8.5
3. Jressa 6-1; Power Score: 8.15
4. Kshak 4-3; Power Score: 6.9
5. Tborgs 3-4; Power Score: 5.9
6. Tspires 5-2; Power Score: 5.75
7. HouseWeverstad 2-5; Power Score: 4.05
8. KartierKyle 3-4; Power Score: 3.85
9. DanielWest 2-5; Power Score: 3.3
10. KamSmith 0-7; Power Score: 1.45
I have just a few quick thoughts on the Power Rankings this week. First, Trevor and Kyle are the easily the biggest losers of the week as the ladder has Grant ahead of him despite one less win and former has three teams in front of him with worse records. It truly is a testament to their luck they have the records that they do. Trevor’s 886.15 points scored on him is a whopping 87 less than the team with the second least (Me with 973.75) and is 229.4 points less than Grant, who has the most points scored against this season. So, yeah, the computers don’t necessarily love what he’s done so far. However, I understand how it might look hypocritical of me to not throw my name out there as I slide into number three behind DW while he has two less wins than me. Difference is, I still have the third best League Record and third highest amount of Points For thus far. But I digress….
Things could always change, but right now it appears as if we are going to have a 6-team fight for the playoffs down the stretch of this season. As it stands now, Alex and me are obviously in the most comfortable position with a two game advantage over the final playoff spot and performing well to the tune of two of the top three teams in the power rankings. It get’s really fascinating as we look at DW and the 4-6 spots in the rankings as each team can make a case for being a strong playoff team. We don’t need to harp on it anymore with DW, but his case clearly lies on a very sturdy foundation of consistency that would seem to make him a favorite for the playoffs. Trevor is really only riding on the fact he has five wins and therefore has some room to maneuver if he falters at all over the next couple of weeks. Kevin and Tyler are probably the biggest enigmas and ultimately their inconsistent performances might spell doom come playoff time. Kevin of late can’t string good performances together in a row and now he has to figure out how to do that without Trusty Patty. Tyler has quietly been one of the league’s most consistent teams, albeit only consistently average. Nevertheless he is in the top half of the league across every category in the Power Score formula and he has assembled a roster that could possibly get the job done. Well, after Week 8 anyway, I think we are going to be able to get a pretty solid idea of how the playoffs might shake out. Stay tuned….
So I guess that’ll do it, my lovely Swifties! Thanks again for joining us on another beautiful edition of the Passionate Playback. Me and the staff (of just me) can’t wait for Week 8 and we wish you all good luck in your Fantasy Battles as we start to head down the home stretch. For those of you I barely, or completely failed to, mention this week, it’s probably because your team’s performance has been dreadful and my Mom always said if I had nothing nice to say then don’t say it at all. So I leave you with this: An Inspirational Speech that goes out to all our shitty teams. Enjoy.
Inspirational Speech:
“You’re all dicks! You are reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And your players are pussies. But The top teams in the league are assholes. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes! Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick…with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy game of fantasy football, but I do know this: If you guys can’t fuck these assholes, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!”
