Week 3

Passionate Playback

Why, hello, there my fellow Fantasy Managers. The final zeros have struck the clock on the first quarter of the regular season, and it’s been a one helluva wild ride to reach this first big milestone of the regular season. It’s usually at this point of the year when we start accumulating enough data on the teams to be able to start clearing up the playoff picture so as to ascertain who might be the contenders and what schmucks might make up the pretenders. It’s an exciting time for sure. One that usually ignites an uptick in productivity for my highly trained staff (of only me) that allows us to manufacture for you all only the most potent, uncut, and unadulterated insights and information so chemically pure that Gus Fring has tried to take over my operation. However, while we have yet again returned, it comes in spite of the odds being heavily stacked against us this week, and I regrettably inform you we have unfortunately not met those lofty standards this week. While you all only see the glory and fame on the outside that comes with running the most successful publication covering the Emotional Friends League in the history of Fantasy Football, what you don’t see, behind the scenes, is the amount of tireless work that goes into creating a culture of cohesion and synergy amongst a staff of over 50 plus imaginary members. We don’t often unveil the curtains to display the vicious underbelly of constant power grabs, petty bickering, and outright laziness I must deal with on a weekly basis. Such is the nature of managing a wide-ranging group of personalities in my head. I only bring this up in the spirit of complete transparency and constant improvement, but this past week the entire Research and Development Department called out sick with what the team lead, Gerald, described as being sucked into a delirious binge session of the Netflix phenomenon simply known as Squid Game. Needless to say, tough decisions were made while we handled this unacceptable breakdown in leadership. So we must extend our deepest apologies to all while we continue to strive for everlasting improvement and timeliness in our quest to shove those red hot takes you’ve all come to know and love right up the shoot of each and every one of you. Luckily, after locking up the entire office in the board room for a several rigorous sessions of team building exercises, emotional heart to hearts, and trust falls, we finally got our shit together. And, like a classic Peyton Manning 2-Minute drill, we rose to the occasion just in time to start firing on all cylinders to produce our patented brand of metaphorical mastery and analogical adeptness with another edition yet again of the Passionate Playback. So, there’s three seconds left in the game on the road in a hostile environment, we’re down four, and we’re within striking distance of endzone. Coach just dialed up our go to play. Call out for the snap, roll to your right, and unleash a massive heave to the back of the endzone. Just watch on intently as the T Sizzle soundtrack kicks in and the camera goes to super slow motion, cutting back and forth between you, the stunned crowd, and the spiraling ball, floating angelically through the night sky right into Week 4. Here we go, baby!

Headlines:

Alex sets early contender for best performance of the season; scores 195.3 in thrashing of Kevin in the Ashak Bowl

Brotherly love be damned in fantasy. Here we had our first Ashak Bowl of the season, which has often featured fierce competitions full of upsets, closely contested battles, and plenty of shit talking on the league message board. Welp, Alex decided there wasn’t a better time then to make the strongest statement of dominance we’ve had on the early going of the season so far by hanging a scorching hot 195 points on his big bro. Lead by Joshy Boy’s 48.8 points and the continued torrid pace of Cooper Kupp (30.6), it was smooth sailing all Sunday long for the Commish. If you add in the Broncos D (21) and Kamara (20.8) to the mix, between just those four players Alex accumulated over 120 points. That amount would have been good to beat both Grant and Kyle this week, and was over at least 75% of the total points scored by the entire teams of every single person in the league. Astonishingly, he cleared the second highest scoring team by nearly 40 points. Just utter dominance. Let’s see, who does Alex have to play next week? Can someone please check on that for me?

Yours truly gets in on the Monday Night Comeback Party; I down Tyler with big performance from Zeke

As I am sure you all are well aware of by now, showing up fashionably late is more my style. When Week 2 will forever be remembered as the ultimate Monday Night Comeback Party, I was involved in the only bout that didn’t make an appearance at the sweet comeback-fest. Yet, better late than never is what I’ve always said, so in Week 3, I decided it was time to get in on the all the fun and commotion. Trailing by nearly 24 points going into Monday night, I had my first-round pick, Zeke, and my up-and-coming stud receiver, Lamb the Man, set for takeoff to lead me to victory. While Sunday was disappointing for me in that several big opportunities were left on the board, and some of my best players underwhelmed, I knew I still had a chance. Going to bed on Monday night, I dreamt of TDs galore for my first-round pick and long screens being housed by my boy Cee Dee. I somehow slept in peace as if the Fantasy Gods were telling me everything was going to be alright. As I slumbered away through the wet and rainy British night, my two stallions performed valiantly as Zeke clocked a swell 26.6 points and Lamb tossed in another 9.5 to take home the victory. When I awoke that Tuesday morning to check the score to see if my boys pulled it off, you can bet I let out a primal “Fuck yeah!” accompanied by a Tiger like fist pump. You love to see it.

Awards:

Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week – Alex for holding on to the Broncos D and then starting them en route to big day

We do love the little nuggets here on the staff, and we thought some kudos were an order for some top shelf fantasy managing from the Commish this past week. We have noticed that he is no stranger to the preferred method of mine, which I have voiced clearly, of streaming defenses. So, when he found his defense for Week 2 to play, he made sure to project out the matchup of his Week 1 defense (Broncos) and saw in Week 3 they hosted a hapless Jets team, which was ripe for Fantasy defenses to score points a plenty on. So, he rostered the Broncos for another week to start in his Week 3 matchup, and they went out and produced a gigantic 21 points that helped tremendously in his epic 195 point effort last week. In Week 4, he was safe to then to go and drop the Broncos defense for his next streamer play. Textbook managing from the league Commish, and for that he gets the smartest call of the week. Now, I gotta go see about a girl…

Power Rankings:

1. Cholgerson34 3-0; Power Score: 9.45

Sliding in to sit atop the pole of the first Power Rankings of the season is one of the league’s newbie members, Carl. With shades of Grant’s marvelous 2020 run after gaining official acceptance into the league, Carl, in his first season, has outpaced the entire the league through the first quarter of the 2021 campaign, to the tune of 488.85 points and a perfect record to boot. He also owns the best Coach Performance on the young season leaving a miniscule 43.8 points on his bench at this point, and he is looking primed to be playoff bound while competing for a first round bye heading into the middle of schedule. Still, his combined opponent record of 3-6 and second lowest number of Points Against (379.25) could be the flashing warning signs we all missed if his team suddenly hits a pothole, flips out of control, and goes barreling off the side of a cliff. We’ve all seen it happen before, but he’s shown capable thus far of navigating any unsuspecting obstacles lining Playoffs Road, awaiting him just on the other side of the skyline. So, for now, it’s wide open cruising for the top ranked team in the league. Our bet: there will be more teams rotating through the number one position of the Power Rankings than the powdery rails lined up in the bathroom of a Miami night club.

2. jressa 2-1: Power Score: 8.65

Well, well, well, look what we have here. That’s right, it is yours truly coming in safely at the number two spot. It may seem like a bit of stretch to that I climbed so high up the rankings, considering I have the league’s worst Coach Performance, with an abysmal 92 points left on my bench, which is good for over 30 per week. Not ideal. However, if you dig a little deeper, an 18-9 League Record (best in the league), third highest number of Points For (467.8), and third most Points Against (494.3), all point to an actually very good start to the season. As I have loved to point out many-a-times (I’m sure you all are totally not tired of me doing so too), I have been the epitome of proving the regular season honestly doesn’t really matter that much. Since joining the league, I have finished 1st in the standings three times, each time being ousted in the first round of the playoffs. I have pioneered innovative ways to manage teams, including popularizing the double TE method and starting 3 pass catchers from one team. All this to come to the realization that I am the Phoenix Suns of this league. Great in the regular season, just can’t close the deal in the playoffs. So far now, I just need to keep chugging along with my more traditionally styled team, not peaking too soon, and just get in. Through three weeks? Mission accomplished. Still more work to do, though. We’re on to Cincinnati.

3. AlexAshak 2-1; Power Score: 8.05

Arriving at number three in the Power Rankings, we have the Commish, fresh off his brutal throat fucking of Kevin’s team, closing another eventful chapter in the heated sibling rivalry we have come to adore in this league. The staff couldn’t help but notice the parallels of this season to Alex’s 2020 season, when he started with a crispy 5-1 record, torching every team he played over the first half of that year. Minus his one blemish in Week 2, Alex has been superb, including setting the bar for highest output in one week, which is going to be tough to beat. On paper, the numbers are pretty good, with a 16-11 League Record (4th best) and 478.95 Points For (2nd Best). However, it is the eye test that really separates Alex’s team from the pack. His boom potential on any given week may be the best in the league. With Joshy Boy awakening and looking like an NFL MVP Candidate, Kupp poised to be the most prolific receiver in Fantasy, and Mixon and Kamara already becoming one of the best one-two RB punches in our league, the numbers don’t seem to do his team justice. I know I wouldn’t want to play him right now. Wait, who does he play this week anyway? Did anyone check on that yet? Oh… shit.

4. DanielWest 2-1: Power Score: 7.6

Ahhh, good ole’ Daniel-San finds his way into the number four hole of the first Power Rankings, and I have to say, I am glad to see him make his way this high. After a poor Week 1 showing, the staff was concerned Dan the Man was already nosediving down the standings before we even had a chance to even get into the meat of the season. Heroically, in a Maverick style maneuver, Daniel quickly pulled his team out of Mach 5 tailspin and righted course with two big time wins over Jared and Grant while averaging a very solid 152.95 points per game over that span. Now, he is back at cruising altitude and sporting a 2-1 record, and surprisingly, the league’s second best League Record at 17-10. He is now ready to take aim on his next midair dogfight, fully strapped; locked, cocked, and ready to rock. Let’s see if the ravishing head turner of a woman herself, Erin Andrews, has any more insights on Daniel’s team, as we go live to her down in the locker room. Erin, after speaking with the team, what has been the difference over the last couple of week’s for Daniel?

“They’ve been better.”

Well, there you have it folks. You don’t usually see Erin effusive in her praise, but that just goes to show how immensely impressive of a turn around this has been for the much-maligned manager of years past. As always, we can’t thank Erin enough for getting us the deep inside knowledge beyond any other reporter in the game. For that we thank you Ms. Andrews, until next week, my lady, keep on keepin’ on you sexy thang you.

5. Jweverstad 2-1; Power Score: 7.3

Moving along, coming in at five, dead middle of the Power Rankings, is our old mangy grangy friend, Jared. It’s been an up and down first few weeks for the embattled manager who came firing out the gates faster than a teenage boy hooking up with Mia Khalifa. After the premature point-ulation though, Jared succumbed to a brutal case of flaccidness in Week 2, unable to get it up to over even 120 points. However, he sits at 2-1, after reinvigorating his team in Week 3, and if you look at the overall numbers, while he has the least amount of Points Against in the league (379), his 15-12 League Record and fourth most Points For (452.8) are nothing to scoff at in just three weeks of play. Last year he was injury riddled for the majority of the season, leaving him unable to make a run for the playoffs, but thus far he has largely managed to avoid the injury bug and is sitting, dangerously, in a perfect spot to make some noise this season. Something we all know Ms. Khalifa was not doing after spending that first night with his team. Oh, this hasn’t happened to you before, you say? Hmmmm, I don’t know if we are buying that one, bud.

6. KartierKyle 2-1; Power Score: 5.35

As we start to descend down the rankings, we find the oft disparaged manager, Kyle, firmly planted into the number six slot. While I am sure he is happy with his 2-1 record out the gates to start the first quarter of the year, he can’t be happy with some of the other indicators of Fantasy Performance that his team has managed to produce. Whether it is his uninspiring 408.9 Points For (Second Worst in the League) or his 8-19 League Record (tied for last in the league), there really is not a whole lot that points to him being deserving of his 2-1 mark. Luck has defined his season to this point, and he is going to need a serious boost in the points department, and to start making better start/sit decisions (He is Second to last in Coach Performance with 90.1 points left on his bench this season) if he is going to sustain winning at this pace going forward. We all get lucky stretches, but we surmise the L’s will start coming in bunches if he can’t rectify the poor managerial decisions and/or get some production out of his top picks. Luckily, sitting at 2-1 has given him a little more of a buffer to be able to accomplish this. Will he though is the question. I mean, we’ve doubted the man before, a past league champion I remind you. So, just do so at your own peril.

7. tborgs4 1-2; Power Score: 4.8

Keeping with our descent down the rankings, hiding away in the number seven position of the Power Rankings, we find Tyler and his penchant for playing extremely close matchups. Last week, he was in peak form against Moi, unable to avoid the classic Tyler loss, in a matchup decided by less than 10 points. I don’t officially know if this is true, as I don’t have the stat on hand, but I don’t believe any manager has played in as many games decided by 10 or less points over the last three years as Tyler has. It truly is astonishing at this point, and now after being unable to break away from this seemingly yearly fate his team has capitulated to once again, he finds himself in the unenviable situation of being in the bottom tier of the rankings. There are some bright spots for the man in terms of statistics even though he holds the fourth worst League Record (13-14), as he still has the both the fourth best Points For and Coach Performance (441.55 points and 72.9 points left on his bench, respectively). Still, if he wants to regain relevance, he will have to escape the clutches of Madame Inconsistency who has an anaconda like squeeze going on the nut sack of his team. Never fun, my guy.

8. KenUDigit 1-2; Power Score: 4.6

We finally make it to the reigning champion, and it isn’t until we get all the way down to the lowly eighth spot of the Power Rankings. I have to say, it is a little bit surprising in our opinion that Grant finds himself near the cellar of the rankings with what he deemed to be a solid draft. However, since the season started, it’s been a bit of a shit show in his quest for a repeat, as his point totals have been steadily declining since his Week 1 output of a touch over 150 points. If it wasn’t for the Week 2 break he got playing the League’s worst manager, Kevin, he wouldn’t have a single win on his record to show through the first quarter of play on the young season. As we have qualified with many of the other teams above him in the rankings, there is still time to make a resurgence, but the numbers don’t necessarily indicate he is on the right track to make up the ground he has given up right off the bat. Whether it is his 9-18 League Record, good for second worst in the league, or his 415.55 Points For, which is third worst, all signs are pointing down. I don’t know if I’m more disappointed for Grant, or his washing machine, which is seeing less action than a 400-pound midget, due to his splooge-less shorts this season.

9. BigPapaPump92 0-3; Power Score: 4.5

As we continue our free fall down the rankings, we discover, tucked away in the penultimate rank, is the second newbie to the league, KP. The dichotomy between our two newbies is a fascinating little development as well, if you ask me. While Carl is riding high with his flawless record. KP is dwindling away into obscurity amid the cesspool of terribleness that is the bottom of the standings, winless at this juncture. It’s a sad fate that we knew would be a distinct possibility when he joined the league, as he has never faced high level fantasy play in a league like this before. Its akin to making the leap from college to the pros. You can’t get used to the speed, or in our case, the Fantasy Acumen, until you actually start playing in the games. But, here’s the dirty little secret: KP hasn’t been all that bad. The numbers actually bear this out. He has an above .500 League Record (14-13, good for 6th in the league), the 4th best Coach Performance (53.4 points left on the bench), and his 441 points scored to date is also sixth, but he only trails Tyler by .55 points and is less than 30 points away from me, who is 3rd in the league in total scoring. All this is to say, these are not the stats of a last place team. Maybe not a great team, but not terrible. Kyle has performed worse in almost every category as KP, but has two wins. Fantasy just doesn’t make any sense. I feel like KP needs some help, but I can’t quite think of what it should be. Wait. What’s that…. Off there in the distance? Could it be? It’s… It’s… AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEEEEEECHHH!!!!

“Well, it's real simple: You got three more quarters of the season and that's it.

Now you have probably been playin' this game for a few years. And you got three more quarters and after that, you may never play this game again until next season. Now, you have known me for a while, and for a long time now you've been hearin' me talk about being perfect. Well, I want you to understand somethin'. To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard on Sleeper. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship to yourself and your team and the waivers.

Being perfect is about being able to look at your players on your rosters and know that you didn't let yourself down, because you told yourself the truth. And that truth is that you did everything that you could. There wasn't one more ounce of shit talking that you could've done. Not one more FAAB dollar you could’ve spent. Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart? If you can do that sir, then you're perfect.

I want you to take a moment. And I want you to look at each team in the league. I want you to put each team in your heart so you can shit talk them forever, because forever's about to happen here this week. I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to think about DW, Kam, and Trevor, our past league mates. They would die to be out there on that virtual gridiron being able to shit talk with you this week. And I want you to put that in your heart.


Man, my heart is full…

My heart's full.”

10. Kshak 0-3; Power Score: 3.35

Well look who we finally get to, if it isn’t our familiar metaphorical punching bag, rounding out the rear of the first Power Rankings in his rightful home: Dead. Fucking. Last. That’s right, Big Kev came into the season with a chip on his shoulder, claiming his superiority as Fantasy Manager, only to be humbled with an ungodly display of complete, outright shittiness so egregiously bad that it’s honestly embarrassing at this point. His team is like a speeding train carrying highly explosive fuel hurdling 100 miles per hour directly at a nuclear power plant, while the conductor remains fast asleep. I mean it’s gross negligence at this point and he should be charged for his crimes against Fantasy. How in the hell do you have nearly your entire FAAB budget after your best player, Christian McCaffery, goes down, and NOT PUT A SINGLE BID IN FOR CHUBA HUBBARD!? It’s bad enough you didn’t say fuck it, and bid like 100 bucks. I can at least say you were trying though if you bid SOMETHING. But, not one single bid? Really? I can’t… I just can’t anymore!

Okay folks, that is going to be a wrap for us here. Thanks again for joining us this week. We look forward to the continued excitement on the Fantasy Battlefields this weekend. Good Luck and Godspeed everyone. This is your Passionate Playback staff, live from the rainy U.K. Over and Out!