Week 1
Passionate Playback
Greetings my fellow league mates! I have but one question as we etch the final statistics into the history books of Week 1 and turn the page on opening slate of fantasy football action for the ages: How did it feel? I ask this every year. Not just because I don’t have any new material (okay it’s partly that), but it has been 41 weeks, or 287 full calendar days to be exact, since we could finally pop out of bed on a Sunday morning with the fervent giddiness that parallels the excitement KP might feel unexpectedly discovering a kilo of Colombian Bam Bam under the hood of his car. I for one could taste the palpable excitement radiating all the way across the pond in the (kinda) great country of England as Scott Hanson boldly proclaimed, “Six hours of commercial free football is back!” If you were anything like me, when the games finally began, the goosebumps were on full display, accompanied by an oddly comforting erection almost protruding completely through my shorts. Oh, just me on that second part? Okay, but I digress…
And I can still see a belt(In my mind)
All of you, lose to me (Much maligned)
I once believed Fantasy's (Black and white)
But it's golden (Golden)
And I can still see a belt(In my head)
Coming back like New York (Covering the spread)
I once believed Fantasy's (Burning red)
But it's golden
♫♪♬♪♫♩
Headlines
Reigning champion stumbles out the gate; Grant eventually goes down for Alex… also loses to him in his Fantasy Football matchup
Coming into a fascinating first week of the year in terms of matchups, the marquee showdown on the lineup had to be the Commish going up against last year’s golden child and current belt holder, Grant. The narratives were particularly juicy from both sides of this heavyweight tilt. First, you had Alex, looking to re-establish himself among the upper echelon of managers after his team thought they would dabble in a little autoerotic asphyxiation in an epic choke job down the stretch of last season. Then, you have Grant, who was on cloud nine with one hand completely extended down his sweatpants, and the other tightly clutching his shiny new belt, fully geared up for another heroic title run. Then, when the games began, the staff must say, we couldn’t have asked for a better first act of the season as both teams delivered just a plain old back and forth, fun Fantasy battle.
Looking more intently at how the action unfolded last week, Alex threw a big first punch on the opening night of the NFL season with a excellent an 23.7 from a rejuvenated AB. There was still a lot of football to be played that weekend, but Alex’s start had to shrink Grant’s now very tight butthole to microscopic levels with Ron "Gone" Jones conspicuously going MIA, and dipping into the negatives with an appallingly pathetic performance. You hate to see it. Undeterred though, when the morning games came last weekend, Grant quickly countered by flexing early and often with two of his fantasy stallions Lil Ky and D Hop throwing points on the board faster than an angry Bobby Bouche hurling toward Colonel Sanders. Alex was right there too, as Joey Mix-A-Lot kept him chugging right along, and by that time it was a game, folks. The action slowed a bit after, but when Sunday night came a-callin’, he still trailed Grant by a few points. In what turned out to be a wild topsy turvy point scoring palooza, Alex was able to finally outlast Grant and complete the good ole’ fashion Sunday night comeback with the Cooper Kupp tossing in a cool 23.8 points to seal the deal for the Commish. While Grant’s defense notched a decent 11 points, it wasn’t enough to save the day and overcome Alex's late night surge. Fantasy at it's best. So, with such a fantastic game, the staff is going to jump the gun a little and give this one the award for Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week. Effin’ A, Cotton! Effin’ A!
Point-splosion enjoyed by three of the bottom tier teams from 2020; Jared, Kyle, and I Look well-endowed and reinvigorated for a 2021 rally
Oh, how the turns they table my friends. Listen, one game does not make a season. We know that. Even so, the staff couldn’t just not point out the fact that my redemption tour is going swimmingly after a single week of play. Much to the chagrin of most of you I’m sure, my 2021 campaign started with a bang as Tyreek and Russel gave KP a swift thunder punch of 37 points a piece, right to the family jewels. It was a thing of beauty watching Meestah Hill shred apart the not-too-shabby Brownie defense, and before you knew it, I was long gone faster than a toupee in a hurricane, leaving KP in my rearview mirror as I cruised comfortably to Winner’s Lane. Do I feel good about this season you ask? Yes. Yes, I do.
Looking at the other two highest scoring teams, Kyle (who I have some more thoughts on later) and… *deep sigh*… Jared, were the number three and highest scoring teams respectively. Again, nothing can be definitely proven, after only just a week, as indicative of future performance. However, for these two beleaguered managers who haven’t tasted the playoffs in two years, what does jumping out the gate with impressive displays of point production mean to them. It has to feel like the kick start both of them envisioned they needed to be able to once again experience what it is like to take a colossal detonation of the warm, creamy, gooey, goodness of Fantasy Playoff Football all over their eagerly awaiting faces. It’s really a special feeling indeed. I think a hearty kudos is an order for these two managers. Now, can they keep it up? Your guess is as good as mine.
Awards:
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Dumbest Call of the Week – Kevin drafts first defense off the board, and the Bucs D ends with red numbers (-3) in brutal loss to Jared
It’s tough to say definitively in just Week 1 that a manager can make a truly terrible call, because well, we don’t have a solid gauge yet on what players are going to be good or not. It’s the sad truth for the staff that they aren’t supposed to give out our favorite award by shitting on a fellow league mate. But, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell them we couldn’t still do it. So I said fuck it! Let’s hand one out!
Dominic Torretto Ballsiest Call of the Week – Kyle goes Patty in 1st Round and goes off in 1st Week
Since we stretched a tad in the reasoning for our last award… What the hell? Let’s just do it again! On the flip side of Big Kev, we have Kyle and his much-maligned Fantasy Acumen that the staff has not been the least bit shy to brutally throw back in his face like a triggered ex-wife. Kyle’s dirty little habit isn’t his irrational love of defenses, but rather the way too early picked QB, particularly Patty Mahomes. I can’t remember the last time Kyle didn’t have Mahomes on his team or him not taking first or second round QB. That said, we pride ourselves in our objectiveness with honest and fair evaluations (for the most part). Therefore, even though we all thought Kyle shot himself in the foot by going Patty with his number one choice, he only went out and shut all the doubters up this week with the composure of Brady in the 4th and whipped out his giant pair of nuts, and promptly dick slapped the entire league by netting a spectacular 42.65 from Mahomes en route to a big time dub. He’s a man that lives by a code, and I don’t respect it one bit. Yet, I’ll acknowledge it worked out this time. Good job by Kyle. At least for this week, Dom was right. You don’t turn your back on family… even when they do.
Dr. Rick Marshall Best Fuck You Performance of the Week – Alex plays Grant’s star player from last year, rides Alvin Kamara to victory over Grant
Alright, I fully understand, everything is seeming like a stretch at this point, but we couldn’t contain our enthusiasm for fantasy finally returning so we are handing out awards this week like Oprah giving out free shit. Hence, I thought it was prudent to mention this little nugget. After I vocalized my shock that, Grant, with the number two pick, passed on Kamara, and essentially turned his back on his boy with no remorse, quicker than a trailer trash father on Maury hearing the pregnancy test results. Did Cook outscore Alvin? Well, yes, but that’s beside the point. So, while it wasn’t a full-fledged visceral screaming of “Fuck You!” by Alex directly in Grant’s bewildered face while simultaneously burning all of his Taylor Swift memorabilia. We will say it was a little more subtle of a “Fuck you.” Like Alex leaving a silent-but-deadly fart on the elevator for Grant, and then smugly turning to him as he exits, just before the doors close, and extending a passive aggressive “Have a nice day.” And, it’s the little pieces of information like this that you find throughout a season that make this game so magical. That’s a bitch slap of truth right there!
Greetings my fellow league mates! I have but one question as we etch the final statistics into the history books of Week 1 and turn the page on opening slate of fantasy football action for the ages: How did it feel? I ask this every year. Not just because I don’t have any new material (okay it’s partly that), but it has been 41 weeks, or 287 full calendar days to be exact, since we could finally pop out of bed on a Sunday morning with the fervent giddiness that parallels the excitement KP might feel unexpectedly discovering a kilo of Colombian Bam Bam under the hood of his car. I for one could taste the palpable excitement radiating all the way across the pond in the (kinda) great country of England as Scott Hanson boldly proclaimed, “Six hours of commercial free football is back!” If you were anything like me, when the games finally began, the goosebumps were on full display, accompanied by an oddly comforting erection almost protruding completely through my shorts. Oh, just me on that second part? Okay, but I digress…
Anyhow, as the clock struck 10 in the motherland of AZ, we could all collectively breathe a sigh of relief as we had arrived safely on the other side, making it unscathed through another dreadfully tedious offseason. However, the feelings of excitement quickly turned into rising tension for most, due to the many high scoring affairs across our league. With an unprecedented Week 1 showing of seven teams eclipsing the 150-point barrier, there was more high-flying wild point scoring action than a Turkish night club, and that’s saying something. Reflecting on the Week 1s of past and the inevitable overreactions we all can’t help but partake in year after year, I come bearing a reminder that all is not lost if you were one of the less fortunate ones to find yourself sitting at 0-1 after but a week of play. Shit happens. While we know the season will blow by us, seemingly so brief that it could make Grant’s sexual stamina look like he’s Ron Jeremy, there is still time to rectify your mistakes and make that magnificent run to the promised land you have been dreaming about all offseason.
So, lets go ahead and celebrate the fact fooseball is back in our lives, gents! You already know what time it is. My highly trained staff (of just me) and I have been working their magic in the hydroponics shop growing an especially pungent strain of Headlines, Awards, and so much more to pack tightly into one giant orgasmic blunt called the Passionate Playback. So, go find that trusty boom box, pop in the “T Sizzle’s Greatest Hits” CD, take in a giant rip, and just lean back and start bopping that head while the heavenly lyrics of our main girl warmly envelop every inch of your inner being. Sing right along, telling Fantasy Football how you feel!
♫♪♬♪♫♩
“My luck was as cruel as the shit teams that don’t win.
Every waiver worse in hindsight
There are so many games that I lost unforgiven
I’ll tell you the truth but never goodbye
I don’t want a look at anything else now that I saw you
I don’t want think of anything else now that I thought of you
Been sleeping so long in a fantasy-less night.
But now I see daylight, I only see daylight.
Luck of the draft only draws the unlucky
And so I became the butt of the joke
I wanted the good, but I drafted the wretched
Clearing the air, Matt Berry’s a bloke
Maybe you ran with a bad o-line and refused to score touchdowns
Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town
Threw out old picks and our waivers because it's football now
It's fantasyyyy
NOWWWW
I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you
(I can never look away)
I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you
(This season won’t be the same)
I've been sleeping so long in fantasy-less night
(Now I'm wide awake)
And now I see daylight (daylight), I only see daylight (daylight)
I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight
I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight
“My luck was as cruel as the shit teams that don’t win.
Every waiver worse in hindsight
There are so many games that I lost unforgiven
I’ll tell you the truth but never goodbye
I don’t want a look at anything else now that I saw you
I don’t want think of anything else now that I thought of you
Been sleeping so long in a fantasy-less night.
But now I see daylight, I only see daylight.
Luck of the draft only draws the unlucky
And so I became the butt of the joke
I wanted the good, but I drafted the wretched
Clearing the air, Matt Berry’s a bloke
Maybe you ran with a bad o-line and refused to score touchdowns
Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town
Threw out old picks and our waivers because it's football now
It's fantasyyyy
NOWWWW
I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you
(I can never look away)
I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you
(This season won’t be the same)
I've been sleeping so long in fantasy-less night
(Now I'm wide awake)
And now I see daylight (daylight), I only see daylight (daylight)
I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight
I only see daylight, daylight, daylight, daylight
And I can still see a belt(In my mind)
All of you, lose to me (Much maligned)
I once believed Fantasy's (Black and white)
But it's golden (Golden)
And I can still see a belt(In my head)
Coming back like New York (Covering the spread)
I once believed Fantasy's (Burning red)
But it's golden
Like daylight, like daylight
Like daylight...
Like daylight...
daylight”
♫♪♬♪♫♩
Headlines
Reigning champion stumbles out the gate; Grant eventually goes down for Alex… also loses to him in his Fantasy Football matchup
Coming into a fascinating first week of the year in terms of matchups, the marquee showdown on the lineup had to be the Commish going up against last year’s golden child and current belt holder, Grant. The narratives were particularly juicy from both sides of this heavyweight tilt. First, you had Alex, looking to re-establish himself among the upper echelon of managers after his team thought they would dabble in a little autoerotic asphyxiation in an epic choke job down the stretch of last season. Then, you have Grant, who was on cloud nine with one hand completely extended down his sweatpants, and the other tightly clutching his shiny new belt, fully geared up for another heroic title run. Then, when the games began, the staff must say, we couldn’t have asked for a better first act of the season as both teams delivered just a plain old back and forth, fun Fantasy battle.
Looking more intently at how the action unfolded last week, Alex threw a big first punch on the opening night of the NFL season with a excellent an 23.7 from a rejuvenated AB. There was still a lot of football to be played that weekend, but Alex’s start had to shrink Grant’s now very tight butthole to microscopic levels with Ron "Gone" Jones conspicuously going MIA, and dipping into the negatives with an appallingly pathetic performance. You hate to see it. Undeterred though, when the morning games came last weekend, Grant quickly countered by flexing early and often with two of his fantasy stallions Lil Ky and D Hop throwing points on the board faster than an angry Bobby Bouche hurling toward Colonel Sanders. Alex was right there too, as Joey Mix-A-Lot kept him chugging right along, and by that time it was a game, folks. The action slowed a bit after, but when Sunday night came a-callin’, he still trailed Grant by a few points. In what turned out to be a wild topsy turvy point scoring palooza, Alex was able to finally outlast Grant and complete the good ole’ fashion Sunday night comeback with the Cooper Kupp tossing in a cool 23.8 points to seal the deal for the Commish. While Grant’s defense notched a decent 11 points, it wasn’t enough to save the day and overcome Alex's late night surge. Fantasy at it's best. So, with such a fantastic game, the staff is going to jump the gun a little and give this one the award for Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week. Effin’ A, Cotton! Effin’ A!
Point-splosion enjoyed by three of the bottom tier teams from 2020; Jared, Kyle, and I Look well-endowed and reinvigorated for a 2021 rally
Oh, how the turns they table my friends. Listen, one game does not make a season. We know that. Even so, the staff couldn’t just not point out the fact that my redemption tour is going swimmingly after a single week of play. Much to the chagrin of most of you I’m sure, my 2021 campaign started with a bang as Tyreek and Russel gave KP a swift thunder punch of 37 points a piece, right to the family jewels. It was a thing of beauty watching Meestah Hill shred apart the not-too-shabby Brownie defense, and before you knew it, I was long gone faster than a toupee in a hurricane, leaving KP in my rearview mirror as I cruised comfortably to Winner’s Lane. Do I feel good about this season you ask? Yes. Yes, I do.
Looking at the other two highest scoring teams, Kyle (who I have some more thoughts on later) and… *deep sigh*… Jared, were the number three and highest scoring teams respectively. Again, nothing can be definitely proven, after only just a week, as indicative of future performance. However, for these two beleaguered managers who haven’t tasted the playoffs in two years, what does jumping out the gate with impressive displays of point production mean to them. It has to feel like the kick start both of them envisioned they needed to be able to once again experience what it is like to take a colossal detonation of the warm, creamy, gooey, goodness of Fantasy Playoff Football all over their eagerly awaiting faces. It’s really a special feeling indeed. I think a hearty kudos is an order for these two managers. Now, can they keep it up? Your guess is as good as mine.
Awards:
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Dumbest Call of the Week – Kevin drafts first defense off the board, and the Bucs D ends with red numbers (-3) in brutal loss to Jared
It’s tough to say definitively in just Week 1 that a manager can make a truly terrible call, because well, we don’t have a solid gauge yet on what players are going to be good or not. It’s the sad truth for the staff that they aren’t supposed to give out our favorite award by shitting on a fellow league mate. But, I wasn’t going to be the one to tell them we couldn’t still do it. So I said fuck it! Let’s hand one out!
Thus, it brings us great joy and a full sense of I-told-you-so type pride and award Big Kev with the worst call of the week. For three straight fucking years Kevin jumped on the “best” defense in the draft in lieu of another toss at the dart board in hopes of sticking a late round breakout, so he could have his seemingly stud defense locked down. It doesn’t sound like that bad of strategy on paper, until you look further at the stats and notice that the highest ranked preseason defense for like the last 15 years almost never finishes as remotely startable (didn’t fact check that but I’m sure it’s close to right). For Three. Straight. Fucking. Years. He has done this. Each time in the moment, I called out this directly to his face. Last season I even wrote nearly 800 words in the offseason critiquing his insanely foolish and completely irrational penchant for drafting defenses early. So what does this dude do this year? Yup, the one thing that makes sense to the only manager I’ve ever seen have the strangest blind spot when it comes to his love for going early on defense. It’s not fair one bit he won the league two years ago with this strategy. His defense that season? Oh, just a mid-season pick up. You’d think he learn from his mistake, but it oddly just reinforced this god-awful draft day decision making tendency. I’m honestly struggling at this point to come up with an explanation for what goes through Kev’s mind. It’s almost like once round 9 or 10 rolls around, that top ranked defense starts to look so tantalizing in his mind, like our favorite girl, T Siz, rocking a provocative, tight little cocktail dress. I mean if it was the British Open, an opening round 3 under (-3) would be a solid start. But this is Fantasy Goddamn Football!! Good god, man. Get yourself some help. You’re an addict. Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you’re chewin’ on a burger, the next minute you’re dead meat.
Dominic Torretto Ballsiest Call of the Week – Kyle goes Patty in 1st Round and goes off in 1st Week
Since we stretched a tad in the reasoning for our last award… What the hell? Let’s just do it again! On the flip side of Big Kev, we have Kyle and his much-maligned Fantasy Acumen that the staff has not been the least bit shy to brutally throw back in his face like a triggered ex-wife. Kyle’s dirty little habit isn’t his irrational love of defenses, but rather the way too early picked QB, particularly Patty Mahomes. I can’t remember the last time Kyle didn’t have Mahomes on his team or him not taking first or second round QB. That said, we pride ourselves in our objectiveness with honest and fair evaluations (for the most part). Therefore, even though we all thought Kyle shot himself in the foot by going Patty with his number one choice, he only went out and shut all the doubters up this week with the composure of Brady in the 4th and whipped out his giant pair of nuts, and promptly dick slapped the entire league by netting a spectacular 42.65 from Mahomes en route to a big time dub. He’s a man that lives by a code, and I don’t respect it one bit. Yet, I’ll acknowledge it worked out this time. Good job by Kyle. At least for this week, Dom was right. You don’t turn your back on family… even when they do.
Dr. Rick Marshall Best Fuck You Performance of the Week – Alex plays Grant’s star player from last year, rides Alvin Kamara to victory over Grant
Alright, I fully understand, everything is seeming like a stretch at this point, but we couldn’t contain our enthusiasm for fantasy finally returning so we are handing out awards this week like Oprah giving out free shit. Hence, I thought it was prudent to mention this little nugget. After I vocalized my shock that, Grant, with the number two pick, passed on Kamara, and essentially turned his back on his boy with no remorse, quicker than a trailer trash father on Maury hearing the pregnancy test results. Did Cook outscore Alvin? Well, yes, but that’s beside the point. So, while it wasn’t a full-fledged visceral screaming of “Fuck You!” by Alex directly in Grant’s bewildered face while simultaneously burning all of his Taylor Swift memorabilia. We will say it was a little more subtle of a “Fuck you.” Like Alex leaving a silent-but-deadly fart on the elevator for Grant, and then smugly turning to him as he exits, just before the doors close, and extending a passive aggressive “Have a nice day.” And, it’s the little pieces of information like this that you find throughout a season that make this game so magical. That’s a bitch slap of truth right there!
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week - Alex tops Grant in a doozy of a Week 1 Fantasy Showdown
See headlines.
Well, I guess that is going to be it for this week. The staff would like to thank everyone for joining us. Coming up next, a special presentation by Kingdom Gay an only male biker gang with a musical night of tributes to LGBTQ+ motorcyclists. If you’re on the West Coast, your late local news. Good luck and godspeed in Week 2, everyone. Passionate Playback staff from the cloudy U.K. Over and out!
Well, I guess that is going to be it for this week. The staff would like to thank everyone for joining us. Coming up next, a special presentation by Kingdom Gay an only male biker gang with a musical night of tributes to LGBTQ+ motorcyclists. If you’re on the West Coast, your late local news. Good luck and godspeed in Week 2, everyone. Passionate Playback staff from the cloudy U.K. Over and out!
