Week 4
Passionate Playback: Week 4
Well, well, well… So we meet again my fellow Swifties. It is I. The one who brings to you the unfiltered and unmitigated eternal truths of fantasy football. This week, I have once again returned, armed with another fantastic edition of the Passionate Playback, ready to deliver the powerful bitch-slaps of fantasy reality that you simple-minded fantasy folk need to navigate the treacherous mid season landscape that lies ahead. Luckily my highly trained staff (of just me) has been painstakingly hard at work this week, brewing up another fresh pot of those piping hot takes you all have come to know and love so much. So don’t be bashful and pour yourself a nice full cup, while the rich and hearty aroma of my harsh criticism, nonsensical predictions, and crazy rants begin to waft about, saturating the room in its haunting scent. That’s right, only the best for y’all!
Anyway, as the gap between the contenders and the pretenders continues to sever wider as the season progresses, this week could be a tipping point in that regard. With pivotal matchups on deck, I think this should bear as a stark reminder that for many of you the weight of a season hangs in the balance in Week 5. Lest, I hark back to the wise fantasy "philosophizers" who postulate that those who spend on the waivers win. So, if your season is looking a little gloomy outside, it’s okay to just stay inside tonight and nestle deep into those sofa cushions wrapped up in that extra-soft-all-microfiber-blanket. Just make sure the Airpods are in, that laptop is open, and your searching those waivers while you let the sweet, sweet lyrics of T Sizzle serenade your soul. Sing it like no one is watching!!
♪ ♩ ♫ ♬ ♪ ♩
Nice to meet you, where you been?
I’m looking for incredible things
Catches, yards, lots of wins
Saw you there and I thought
Oh my God, Top ten pace
You look like my next mistake
Fantasy, want to play?
Eh
New QB, passin’ guy
Scoring points like you haven’t seen
Ain't it funny, waivers, lie
But I want you playing for me so
Hey, screw the trends
I'm dying to see how this one ends
Scoring touchdowns on command
I can make the bad guys good for a week, man
So it's gonna be forever
Or it's gonna go down in flames
I can tell you when it's over
If the high was worth the pain
Got a long list of ex-players
So maybe I'm insane
'Cause you know I love the waivers
And we love, the game!!
'
Cause I’m dumb and I’m reckless
I’ll take this way too far
It'll leave you breathless
Or with a nasty scar
Got a long list of ex-players
So maybe I’m insane
But I've got a roster space baby
And I'll write your name
♪ ♩ ♫ ♬ ♪ ♩
Awards:
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Worst Call of the Week – KartierKyle; for not playing Will Dissly
Kyle’s masterful display of awful decision-making was in full force this past weekend, culminating in a signature Kyle defeat, thanks in no small part to the atrocity that was his benching of Will Dissly. Instead of opting for one of this year’s top scoring tight ends against maybe the worst defense in the league at covering tight ends (the Cardinals), he chose the trusty Delanie Walker. Predictably, Delanie amassed for a grand total of .4 points. By not starting Dissly he missed out on 17.3 points, which would have shot him up to a total weekly tally of 137 points flat. His opponent, Trevor, finished with 135.9. Just. Brutal. Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – AlexAshak; for scoring 118.85 points
Entering the week as the only undefeated team, with a colossal Week 4 showdown against his brother, Alex swiftly took action by producing a giant steaming turd of a fantasy outing. With aspirations to make a strong statement in the early going of the season, his performance came up shorter than a classic big-ass Rod Kimble stunt and now Alex must forcibly swallow the goliath wads of disappointment so viciously spewed all over his face. The most amazing part of this game was how he still managed to score so abysmally low with 41.2 from Godwin and 22 from Hooper. The rest of his roster? A combined 55 whole points… Spoiler Alert: That’s not exactly what he was looking for. You know I have a hormone disorder!
Longfellow Deeds Luckiest Team of the Week – Tborgs; for winning with 110.4 points
Sometimes when your chosen, things just line up perfectly. Our reigning champion miraculously found a way to pull off a win while being the second lowest scoring team in Week 4. Essentially he pulled off the inverse of DW in the “Double Double With Cheese” game. There is no explaining it other than pure unadulterated luck. These are often the breaks one needs in a season to give them the extra push into the playoffs, but I think I speak for the league when I say I hope this isn’t a team of destiny situation. On second thought, we might be okay. He has to out maneuver my three-headed Chief-o-Dagger in week 5, which was recently retrofitted with a little Valeryan steel, so there’s that. Watch out Johnny!
Dr. Rick Marshall Best “Fuck You” performance of the Week – Kshak; for playing Wayne Gallman
We couldn’t let the fact Kevin whipped out one of the best “Fuck You” fantasy beatings in a long time, just slide by without anyone noticing. Not only did big Kev take down the last undefeated team and his flesh and blood arch nemesis, he did so after outbidding everyone for Wayne Gallman, then turning right around and playing him against Alex, who watched Saquon go down just the previous week. In a hilarious plot twist on his season, Alex succumbed to watching his #1 overall pick’s backup go off against him while his middling team struggled to find points. It’s heart-warming stories like this that remind us all why we love the fabled game of fantasy. Kudos to you, Kev. Matt Lauer can suck it!
Power Rankings:
The Favorite
1. DWwarner 3-1; Power Score: 9.75
First, as difficult as it is for me to say, we have to extend at least the tiniest bit of props to DW for the absolute domination of the league that has occurred at the hands of his team through the beginning phase of the season. Here’s a mind fuck: DW is the proud owner of nearly perfect 34-2 league record at this point while simultaneously having the second most points scored against him in the league. This is truly incomprehensible and this has to end at some point, right? The staff isn’t ready to dust off DW’s mantle to place a second league title there quite yet. Nonetheless, right now, and despite his epic week 1 loss, he rightfully stands atop the league power rankings by a comfortable margin.
The Contenders
2. Kshak 3-1; Power Score: 9.25
3. Jressa 3-1; Power Score: 8.45
4. AlexAshak 3-1; Power Score: 7.85
5. Tspires 3-1; Power Score: 6.85
With 5 teams bunched up at top of the power rankings and the league standings, week 5 will be a pivotal measuring stick for which teams are up to the task of making a run to the playoffs. Alex’s week 4 horrific collapse was so bad it shot him all the way down to 4th in the rankings, but he is blessed with an opportunity to bounce back nicely if he can knock off the league’s juggernaut (DW) in this week’s clash of top 4 teams. The only other game of note in week 5 that will have considerable implications for the power rankings and the playoff push going forward is the matchup between Tyler and me. Tyler’s 6th most points scored and 6th best league record wouldn’t usually be good enough earn a 2-2 mark, but here he stands with a golden chance at making a statement and re-establishing himself in the upper echelon of the power rankings. However, with a loss, dropping to 2-3 could be too much for him to overcome as we start heading into the meat of the schedule.
The Dark Horses
6. Tborgs 2-2; Power Score: 4.85
7. HouseWeverstad 2-2; Power Score: 4.05
With interim ghost manager Grant at the helm of Jared’s questionably (albeit an improvement from our week 1 analysis) drafted roster, we are giving him the nod that he can still make some noise as a dark horse playoff candidate. Considering his only two wins have come against Daniel and Kam in low scoring affairs, it’s a long shot for sure. Upcoming for Grant, if he can get by Kyle next week, he will be at 3-2 and primed for his shot to ascend the rankings in a big way with Kevin, DW, and Alex slated for Grant in the following three weeks. What are the odds Grant makes it out of that gauntlet unscathed you ask? We’re going to go out on a limb and say not very good.
The Teams on Life Support
8. Daniel West 0-4; Power Score: 3.45
9. Kartier Kyle 1-3; Power Score: 3.25
Oddly enough, even after his winless skid was extended to 4 games, Daniel somehow managed to jump two spots into the 8-hole of the power rankings. It’s not saying much that he passed up the lowly CadaverKyle squad and whatever you want to call the pathetic excuse of a team that Kameron has, but in a down week on scoring he managed to throw up the 4th most points, only to run into the buzz saw that is DW. Daniel’s season may be a lost cause, but his boost in the power rankings might give him some faith that if he can reel off a few wins, then there’s still a slight glimmer of hope that he can get back into the playoff race. He probably has to run the table or at most lose only one game from this point forward, but crazier things have happened in fantasy (DW starting 1-5 in 2017, then winning out for the title ring a bell?) so its worth at least a mention as he heads into week 5 facing off against the formidable Kevin, who sits at number two in the rankings.
For more on this, special guest analyst Erin Andrews, who’s currently showing off her bodacious “Bahamas Mamas” on the beach’s of Cabo right now, once again joins us on the hot take hot line. Erin, thanks for taking some time out of your vacation to bring us another compelling update on Daniel’s season. What’s the latest word out of the front office as it relates to their chances going forward?
“Meh.”
And that was Erin Andrews everybody, proving again that she is the consummate professional by taking the time on vacation to call into the show to break down Daniel’s season. As always, thank you Erin for such insightful analysis. Getting the inside scoops truly is 24 hour a day job. Now go and throw back a few Mai Thai’s for us, will ya?
The Not-A-Chance-In-Hell Team
10. KamSmith 0-4; Power Score: 2.3
Transitioning away from Daniel to take a look at our other 0-4 team, Kameron continues to somehow find new ways to sink even further down below rock bottom. The highly trained staff (of just me) hasn’t held back one iota in our justified critiques of how he has managed his team, leading to a league worst 7-29 league record and second to last in points scored. And now he finally takes his rightful place at dead last in the rankings. It’s probably a tough time right now for Kam, so the staff prepared a little something to hopefully lift his spirits up. Yup, you guessed it! Inspirational Speeeeech!!
Inspirational Speech:
“Let me tell you something you already know. Fantasy ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty game, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as fantasy. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you need on the waivers, then go out and get what you need, but you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not point fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of injuries, or your QB sucking, or anything! COWARDS DO THAT AND THAT AIN’T YOU!! You're better than that!! Look, I'm always gonna want you in the league, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're terrible and it’s great playing you. You're the best matchup out there. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a chance at ever sniffing the playoffs… Don't forget to visit the waivers.”
Fun Facts:
- In Week 3, the lowest scoring team, Daniel with 131.75 points, would have won against 5 different teams in Week 4
- Interim manager extraordinaire, Grant, is still 10 points shy of eclipsing 500 total points through 4 weeks and on the flipside DW was only 6 points shy of breaking 700… they are separated by only one game in the standings
- Trevor still continues to pace the league in most amount of points left off the board with his total now at 141 and has the 3rd highest amount of max points for at 740.95… The league averages for each are 92.82 and 673.45 respectively
- Yours truly still holds the high mark on the season for points scored in a single week at 185.3 and it will be worth monitoring to see what our highest single game total will be this season
- DW has been the highest scoring team twice and second highest scoring team the other two weeks - I am the only manager to achieve what I am dubbing as the “Super Quad”, by being the highest scoring team, playing the most optimal lineup, delivering the biggest blowout, and outscoring my projection by the most. This feat was accomplished in week 3, and it is yet to be seen if another team can notch a “Super Quad” this season
Stat Corrections:
- Last week we referred to Trevor as a two-time league runner up, and, in fairness, the staff wanted to point out, while still technically correct, a quick league history search on ESPN showed that he was 2015 league champion. It was before me, Jared, and DW entered the league so does it even really count? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Well, that is going to do it once again for another exciting addition of the Passionate Playback. Yet another week down, and the ink has officially dried on the final stats etched into the fantasy history books for week 4. So, as the page is turned to a seemingly very compelling week 5, we say good luck and Godspeed gentlemen, because Lord knows you’ll need it. In any case, thanks for joining us. Until next week… Over and out!
