Week 3

Passionate Playback: Week 3 

Welcome, welcome all ye fantasy footballers from another slammed pack week full of the trademark anxiety filled fantasy action that has come to define our league this year. We owe many thanks to the Fantasy Gods that no league member has been permanently hospitalized with stress induced brain trauma from the first few weeks, and I am excited to march head on into another intense week of play alongside you all. Real talk though, if you are having a little trouble handling the nerves, I think there are a few extra Xanny’s left over from grandma’s hip surgery still in the cupboard, so just help yourself if you need to take the edge off a bit. Hurry! I’ll distract grandma with As The World Turns. At any rate, as evidenced by the blood laden fantasy battlefields through the first 3 weeks, me and my highly trained staff (of just me) couldn’t be more pleased with the level of competition thus far. Well, except for our two duds bringing up the rear of the league standings. In any case, week 4 is fast upon us, and as the final seconds of the 1st quarter of the season wane down, I thought I would share a few little tid-bits I’ve picked up through this juncture. 

First, is it coincidental that the top two teams in the standings have spent the most FAAB dollars? On top of that, if you look at the standings as a whole, they are a pretty damn close reflection of how much money has been spent on the waivers. The top 5 teams have spent a total of 296 FAAB dollars. The bottom 5 teams? A whopping 90 bucks spent. Kyle, hysterically, has yet to even spend one dime on the waivers (saving it for something, bud?). I don’t have the answer for the best strategy for fantasy success, but I do know this is an interesting development to keep our eye on moving forward. Will those holding onto the dough gain an advantage down the stretch, or will it be irrelevant at that point? Will Alex and DW regret their seasons for premature FAAB-ulation, or will their early season spending sprees end up propelling them into the playoffs? Finally, will Big Kev ever realize his dream of becoming a back up dancer for Taylor Swift on tour? I guess it’s as they say; only time will tell. 

Secondly, are we at all worried at how hard I’ve been working the staff (of just me) through the first 3 weeks? For those of you scoring at home, the first two Passionate Playbacks have consisted of over 2,200 and 5,000 words in weeks one and two respectively. There have been 6 rape/cum/dick jokes, 3 Taylor Swift song lyrics quoted, 1 movie speech rip-off, 1 insanely long and random team spotlight, and they even somehow managed to land the picturesque beauty of a woman, Erin Andrews, as a guest analyst. Needless to say I hope they haven’t blown their wad before the season really starts cooking. Fair warning, I might have to scale back their workload or I might face a full on mutiny. Frank in accounting is already threatening to report me to ethics committee. Wait…what am I saying? This is fantasy-fucking football! Me and the staff (of just me) do not rest until every single shred of fantasy knowledge we have is brutally shoved deep into the gaping knowledge-less holes of our league members. So without further ado, we bring to you another fabulous addition of the Passionate Playback. This week, we’re back yet again, packed tight with our patented no-holds-bar analysis delivered straight to your eyeballs for optimal reading pleasure. So grab that boom box, pop in the T Siz CD, throw it over the shoulder, and starting dancing down the streets with it on full blast while the powerful lyrics of our main girl wake up all the neighbors. It’s week 4 baby! Sing it with me!

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♩

I draft players late, and my team ain’t that great 

That’s what people say, mmm hmm, that’s what people say mmm hmm 

I got one too many duds, and not enough studs 

At least that’s what people say, mmm hmmm, that’s what people say mmm hmm 

But I keep cruising. Can’t stop, won’t stop moving 

It’s like I got these waivers, in my mind, saying its gonna be alright 

Fantasy players gonna play, play, play, play, play. 

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate baby. 

My roster’s gonna change, change, change, change, change. 

I’m comin for the… Play-offs! Play-offs!”

♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♩

Awards: 

Weeks 2 and 3 Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Worst Call – KamSmith benches David Montgomery in Week 2 

While Mr. Kameron’s notorious penchant to make terrible fantasy decisions has been well documented, his Week 2 overreaction benching of David Montgomery is exhibit A that he is entering rarified air as we witness him start to define a whole new level of managerial ineptness. Even with the hindsight of knowing Montgomery would barely crack 10 points in Week 3 and may just be a bust overall, this Week 2 blunder still remains absolutely indefensible. After drafting him as his RB2 in the fourth round, when he only musters 5 points in the first week, what does Kam do? He promptly benches him for undrafted free agent pick up, Danny Amendola. Danny boy didn’t disappoint either, throwing up a goose egg for Kameron’s team in what turned out to be a 1-point loss. Our pet’s heads are falling off!! 

Gus Bus Best Bench – KartierKyle’s bench in Week 3 

A rough week 3 for Kyle was accentuated by the fact he left a massive 52.3 points chilling on the ole’ pine, while his team suffered a lopsided defeat. I had previously mentioned that his margin for error with choosing his weekly lineup is razor thin due to his oft criticized roster’s lack of talent and the sentiment hasn’t changed. So, watching him then turn around and more than double his previous total for points left off the board through the first 2 weeks, seems to be the flashing neon sign to the league he may not be up to the task this year. For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I’m here to tell you it’s not a monster! I’TS NOT A MONSTER!! 

Will Hunting Smartest Call – DWwarner playing Tom Brady in Weeks 2 and 3 

Listen, I’m not saying this was an earth shattering decision, and the staff (of just me) might be reaching a little by awarding DW for this call. With that said, it bares mentioning the text book decision making by DW by first snagging the ageless Tom in the final round of the draft and then pivoting to him as his starting QB when he was slated against two of the NFL’s worst defenses in respective weeks. There’s a fine line between smart call and panic decision when ditching a player you drafted to be a starter after only 1 week. But, sometimes in fantasy you don’t over think it and play the Hall of Fame QB who goes against the Dolphins and Jets defenses. Do you know how easy this is for me? Do you have any fucking idea how easy this is!?

Power Rankings: 

Before we all scarf down another tasty edition of the power rankings, on a more serious note, I need to reiterate the fact that I treat the league power rankings with the utmost significance and respect it deserves. For that reason, I would like to take the time again to briefly remind us all of the importance of using power rankings responsibly. 

Tell your league commissioner about your fantasy conditions and ask if you are healthy enough for using the power rankings. Don’t use power rankings if you take kickers before the 14th round, as this may cause an unsafe drop in fantasy points. In addition, power rankings are used to help relieve fantasy pain in people with shitty teams or ongoing shittiness due to fantasy conditions such as poor managerial performance, bad luck, or inadequate dedication to the Swifties fan club. The dosage is based on your experience, fantasy condition and response to past power rankings. Side effects may include anal bleeding, sore throat, genital rashes, increased sex drive (increased?), and delayed backache or muscle ache. To avoid long-term sucking, seek immediate waiver wire help if you experience injuries lasting longer than 4 weeks. If you experience a sudden decrease in appetite for Taylor Swift music, stop reading the power rankings and call Kevin right away. Remember, always consult your league commissioner before taking power rankings and never drive or operate heavy machinery while on power rankings. 

Now that we have the formalities out of the way… Let’s begin shall we? 

1. DWwarner 2-1; Power Score: 9.65

For the second consecutive week we have new blood taking on the pole position with DW leapfrogging the Commish for top spot through 3 weeks. Mr. DW is riding high on the utterly dominant performance of his fantasy roster in the season’s early going, and with the return of Melvin, things are looking even juicier for the former league Champ’s season prognosis. There’s not a whole lot to say other than… wow. I think we’ll try letting the numbers just do the talking on DW again. 

• Through 3 weeks he has an unconscionable 27-2 league record, which (without fact checking) is probably the greatest 3-week start to a season in league history. 
• He leads the league in both points scored (513.9) and possible total points he could have scored (584.85) with the latter only being 70.95 points more than the former, good for a respectable 4th best Coach performance. 
• His 5 game advantage in league record over the second best team (Alex at 20-7) is the same margin advantage Alex has over the 5th best team in league record (Tyler at 15-12). 
• After carding a 164.5 in week 3, his average points per game actually fell. He still remains in possession of a white hot 171.3 points per game, which is a number that Tyler, Trevor, Kyle, Daniel, Kameron, and Grant have yet to best in a single contest this season. 
• Shortly after receiving the news of Melvin returning, D’s spontaneous eruption into a 2 minute 38 second continuous ejaculation inconceivably shattered the previously thought unattainable 46-year record of 1 minute and 45 seconds. 

What. The. Hell. Goddamnit numbers! No one wanted to hear all that! Go back to your room numbers and don’t come back out until you think about you’ve done! 

2. AlexAshak 3-0; Power Score: 9.6 

Our only undefeated team left on the board somehow slips into the 2-hole after holding serve against the inferior Kameron in week 3, and at no fault of his own, no longer holds the top rated team distinction. We only have to look as far as his cum soaked bed sheets to see he isn’t losing too much sleep over his ranking while he dreams of his second best league record, number one coach performance, and second most points scored. On second thought… He’s got no more AB, Saquon is going to miss a few weeks, and his unsustainable pace of only leaving 10.3 points on the board per game has Alex worried there might be a monster hiding in his closet. Nothing epitomized this more than his controversial complaints on the league comment board about his team, all while he comfortably sat there with his unblemished record. Disgraceful. You know what? You’re right. Your team is self-combusting so you might as well just give up on the season and start preparing for next year’s draft. Cut, to the rest of the league shaking their head disappointingly.

3. Kshak 2-1; Power Score: 8.95 

The ultimate fantasy enigma, Big Kev, rolls down the old country road with his trusty steed Patty Mahomes, straight to the number 3 spot. Quite the season so far for the man who has somehow managed to escape his first 3 games with a solid 2-1 record. He makes somewhat of a compelling case for luckiest team at this stage of the season with how he stole the W in the “Double-Double with Cheese” game. Additionally, his 473.55 points scored against him is the second most in the league (Daniel is at 481.85), which is usually a key ingredient for fantasy failure. Even though he’s performed admirably in face of some tough matchups, one can’t help but wonder if he can keep the magic going. Could his knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat be signaling us he is primed for a run? If his opponents’ scoring average regresses closer to the mean we might all be in trouble. Yet, on the other side of the token, if his seemingly bottomless well of luck runs dry, the season could turn on him like a harsh Taylor Swift break up song. My only suggestion? He needs to keep up the nightly routine of paying homage to his Taylor Swift shrine. 

4. jressa 2-1; Power Score: 7.55 

Yours truly, making it up to 4th after 3 weeks, is definitely the injection of fantasy excitement I needed to feel better about the season. A dismal week 2 had me down in the dumps and beginning to think it could be a rough season. Then, like King Arthur finding Excalibur, I found the three-headed Chief-o-Dagger, just waiting for me to wield its almighty power. In week 3, it was the Sunday morning catalyst my team needed for a terrific overall fantasy performance, resulting in a 185.3-point scoring barrage and highest point total for any team so far this season. With the unconventional fantasy tactics I am deploying this year, I would have to admit, this has to be my favorite roster I’ve ever assembled. Playing two tight ends at once and 3 pass-catchers from the same team probably can be found in the “Stupid Lineup Decisions” section of the fantasy football managerial handbook, but I calmly unzipped my pants, whipped out my bowling ball sized nuts, and pissed all over conventional wisdom. The gamble paid off handsomely, and I’m already harder than a diamond in an ice storm just thinking about my freshly sharpened Chief-o-dagger being unveiled in Week 4 as they go against the soft Detroit secondary. Mmmmm!!! I can’t wait!! 

5. Tspires 2-1; Power Score: 6.45 

One of two undefeated teams heading into week 3, after the throat fucking he was subjected to (slight exaggeration) at the hands of my Chief-o-dagger and company, he slides down into the number 5 position. Trevor’s performance has been uninspiring while he has amassed a league leading 100 points left on the bench in 3 weeks. This trend has to be disconcerting for the two-time league runner up and even more so, his second least amount of points scored against means luck has been a big reason why he is still 2-1. His matchup with Kyle this week will be a strong litmus test for finding how real his team actually is. Stay tuned…

6. HouseWeverstad 2-1; Power Score: 5.65 

Did I see that correctly? Does that say 2 wins and 1 loss? Can someone please explain to me how Grant has quietly emerged victorious in the last two weeks? No really… I’ll wait. Coming in at number 6, Grant, last in total points, has managed to score a meager 363.75 points through 3 weeks, which is a whole freaking 35 points less than Daniel and 48 points less than Kameron (Teams 9th and 8th in scoring). To give it some context, DW (1st in points) has a 38.8-point scoring margin over the 4th highest scoring team (Me at 475.1) and has scored 150.15 more than Grant this season. Grant is only averaging 121.25 points per game this season. Let that one sink in… I mean, what the hell, man? His mediocre 6th best Coach Performance and 7th best league record will indicate that he is probably rated correctly at number 6, but seeing 2-1 next to his name in the standings after such wretched production in terms of points, is literally making my brain shutdown. My logic is undeniable. My. logic. Is. Undeniable. Myyyyy…… Looooo… gic…. Issssss…. Un…. Dennyyyyyy…… able….. 

7. tborgs 1-2; Power Score: 5.2 

It has been a rough go of it through the first 3 weeks for Tyler as he arrives in at number 7 in this week’s rankings. It was tough defeat losing to the number 1 team in DW last week, but a respectable performance nonetheless. After an undoubtedly sub-par 117.6-point effort in week 1, he has rebounded in back-to-back weeks, eclipsing 150 points in week 2 and 160 in week 3. It still has only counted for one win on the books though and he now sits in the unenviable position of 1-2. Still a lot of season, but he is making the early case for this year’s “good bad team”. It remains to be seen if he can shake the moniker by stacking some wins and fast. A quarter of the season is about to be over and there is no time for our reigning champion to be monkeying around with lesser kids in the basement if he wants to have chance at a repeat. Actually, I think Timmy just got the new Dungeon and Dragons set, so if you want spend a little bit longer down there, I think the rest of the league wouldn’t mind. 

8. KartierKyle 1-2; Power Score: 4.0 

Swooping down into the number 8 slot is Kyle and his well protected and fully stocked chest of FAAB dollars. His run of rolling out close to optimal starting lineups, abruptly crashed and burned in his week 3 contest against Kevin, as he watched his bench light up the scoreboard only for him to realize he has to start those players for the points to count. Combining his dreadful 7-20 League Record, and 3rd least amount of points scored with the blatant propensity for inept roster building isn’t really the stuff to write home about. Needless to say, the resident odds makers on the staff (of just me) don’t foresee a whole of positives in the near future. The good news? Factoring in for inflation, in like 10 years, your heavily guarded trove of FAAB dollars could be worth up to triple what they are now. I see you. 

9. KamSmith 0-3; Power Score: 3.4 

Cue up the sad piano sonata because we’re making a call here on the staff (of just me) and we’re officially pouring another one out for Kameron’s 2019 fantasy season. With a winless start through 3 weeks, he once again lands ass first, square into the number 9 ranking and literally no one is shocked. We’ve already detailed his horrendous managerial “prowess” that has been on full display since he joined the league and this season he is putting on another clinic in how not be successful in fantasy. Oh, we almost forgot, there was a letter for you in mail. 

It reads: 

Dear Mr. Smith, 

The Passionate Playback Staff, Inc. (The Staff) handles fantasy football skill claims on behalf of the Emotional Friends League (The League). We have received your claim for being a skillful member of the League and we have concluded the investigation of the above referenced claim. 

Our investigation has revealed that due to your negligence as a fantasy manager, it has resulted in irreparable damage to your chances at making the playoffs. Additionally, we have confirmed that you violated Fantasy Manager Code 22108-42, which states “No person shall start a shitty fantasy lineup whose projection is less than reasonable or prudent for the conditions, while having due regard for their talent level, matchups, and injury situation, and in no event, against a good team so in that it endangers the competitive integrity of the league and jeopardizes parity amongst the members.” You breached your duty to draft a competitive roster, use the waiver’s effectively, and start worthy lineups. 

Based on all this information, and on behalf of the Staff, the League, and the honorable game of fantasy football, your claim is hereby denied and disclaimed. 

10. DanielWest 0-3; Power Score: 2.6 

Last, and certainly, unequivocally, least is Mr. Daniel, who is still residing in the caboose of the league rankings, directly attached by the mouth to the anal cavity of our Human Centi-league. Let’s see here. He is rocking a hearty 4-23 league record and a robust 398.35 points scored in 3 games of play. Yup, you read that right. I don’t think I really have anything more to add on this team. So, for the second week in a row, the breathtakingly stunning Erin Andrews joins us again for the inside scoop on Mr. Daniel’s performance so far. 

Erin, what are your sources saying? 

“They suck.” 

Wow. Amazing stuff as always, which you can only get from someone so dialed into the league. Erin, your takes are almost as hot as you look on the sideline… which is SMOKIN’ HOT!!! Thanks for joining us. 

Stat Corrections: 

• My crticism of Kameron still stands, but I mistakenly thought Daniel’s super 2016 3-9 campaign was Kam’s, and that is where the 11-25 record came from in last week’s Passionate Playback. This is only his 3rd season in the league, and counting this year, his overall record stands at 8-19. Yeah… still awful 
• Kyle unfortunately did not really have just 4.7 points left on the bench through 2 games, which I cited in last week’s post. Yes, it was too good to be true. He was still excellent in Coach Performance through 2 weeks, but his actual number was 30.3, which was still tops in the league at that point. And then came week 3… 

Well, I think that is going to be all we have this week. This has been another edition of the Passionate Playback, and if your still reading at this point… Congratulations! We came just shy of 3700 words. Now we know you at least have the reading level of a 4th grader. For any league members butt hurt and affected by my swift and just criticism directed their way, just know I am strictly speaking about their incompetent managerial skills and nothing else. It all comes from a place of love. Anyway, good luck this weekend and may the Fantasy Gods be on your side. Stay classy!