Week 7
Passionate Playback: Week 7
Ohhhh shit! That’s right fellas… It is I, the one they call the Authority on Analysis and the Connoisseur of Criticism, showing up again, and you can bet your sweet ass we won’t stop doling out the multi-platinum hits each week like our girl T Swift, until we have penetrated deep into each and every one of your infinitesimal sized brains and shot out our massive loads of Fantasy Insight. So, enter at your own risk this week, because Me and my highly trained staff (of just me) are taking no prisoners with our pen of fury as we lay down an especially edgy edition of the Passionate Playback. With our team’s last bit of hope for making the playoffs being abruptly decapitated more brutally and unfairly than Ned Stark, the staff admittedly has some pent-up animosity to unleash y’all. Additionally, many of you find yourself in a similar situation as me, and it feels like just yesterday we all had lofty expectations for our teams and were captivated by dreams of Fantasy Glory. As is the case every year though, we fly right through the season faster than an X-71 military space shuttle doing an 11G lunar slingshot to chase down an asteroid about to annihilate Earth. It’s the bitter, ill-fated deal we make with ourselves each fall when we enter into this righteous undertaking of Fantasy, but we are unable comprehend it’s finitude behind a veneer of excitement clouding our ability accept that this shit will end at some point. That is until we are cruelly eliminated from playoff contention. Yet, for the five teams above .500 and still fiercely clutching to their belief that this is “the year”, the fight rolls on, and I’m sure any thoughts pertaining to another prolonged Fantasy-less Spring waiting around the corner would be blasphemy at this juncture. Thus, the staff and I are taking it upon ourselves to insistently remind you of that harsh fate the rest of us now have to come to grips with. So, don’t take this lightly. Because as you all take strong inhales of the conspicuous haze slowly wafting through the ventilation system and building up and filling your room, that isn’t some second hand good good from a blunt Kyle just sparked up. Nah… me and the staff just unsuspectingly lobbed in a few smoke grenades of Fantasy Reality in a sting operation to take down your hopes. So don’t look now because me and the staff just busted down your door and we’re swarming in like bosses, decked out with aviators and all black tactical SWAT gear, and we’re beating down all your bitch ass’s hope with our metaphorical night sticks of Headlines, Power Rankings, and Awards. As you lay flat and dazed, all that you can make out is the blinding red and blue flashing lights pervading through the foggy hysteria as T Swift blares over the loudspeakers from the many armored squad cars lining your street. That’s right bitches! We’re on to Week 8!
Headlines:
Kevin is taken out to the woodshed and stripped of his manhood by much maligned DW; loses 150.40 – 142.25
It gets more and more hilarious by the week that our reigning champion continues to descend into bottomless cesspool of utter Fantasy Incompetence with absolutely no indication that he can ever recover from the complete and total destruction of all his good will built up last year. We touched on this match up last week, but this was the last chance for Kevin to prove to the league that he had at least one measly little ounce of self-respect by taking down arguably the worst team in league history. Right when we thought it couldn’t get any worse though, Kev instantly took aim and fired a direct shot to the head of this notion like he was John Wick gunning down some Russian mobster with a Heckler and Koch P30L. Even after starting 0-6, Kevin was still the heavy favorite going into last weekend, but things went awry right from the get go, as Odell tore his ACL in the first five minutes of the first quarter trying to tackle a defender who picked off an errant Baker “I suddenly forgot how to throw” Mayfield pass. Just like that he was goosed by one of his most important receivers, while DW threw up a hefty 42.7 by his QB, slick Joe, in that same game. On top of that AJ Green nabbed seven receptions for a solid chunk of yards to give DW a decent 15.2 points, while Singletary, Diggs, and the Steelers D all had mediocre outings for Big Kev. At that point, the unthinkable was actually in play. Could DW really win a game? Was Kevin actually going to be the last team to be winless? This couldn’t be happening…
Then the afternoon games came, and the schism in the space time continuum of Fantasy caused by the mere thought DW would not be the last defeated team was briefly rectified as Kevin took a big lead after a mammoth 47.95 effort by Justin Herbert and 32.7 from James Robinson. It took half of a season, but Big Kev finally had a wide-open road, straight to Victory Town, and all he had left to do was cruise comfortably to the finish line. Even with DW somehow squeaking out very good 13 from the “Butt Man”, Harrison Butker, in the middle of a blizzard mind you, Kevin had over a 20-point lead going into the Sunday and Monday night games. Yes, DW was very much in the game, and some might even say had the better chance to win. But did you really think he had a shot? Did you really think Christian Kirk and Darrell Henderson were going to put up over 20 points and get DW the win? I am man enough to admit, even with how bad Kevin’s luck has been this year, I couldn’t comprehend DW, operating on full auto pilot mode at this point, actually pulling this one off… Then all the sudden DW’s team hit the NOS and caught right up to Kevin like Brian and Dom chasing down a semi to boost some DVD players. While Kevin was riding with the top down, letting the hair blow in the breeze, and jamming out to T Swift, the impending relief of finally making it safely to Victory Town was abruptly stolen during an intense mid highway hijacking by DW’s 20.7 from Kirk and 9.6 from Henderson. Now Big Kev is left stranded alone in the pouring rain with nothing but his suddenly ruined Deluxe Edition “Fearless” T Swift album, and a Dutch Bros stamp card one short of a free drink. It’s absolutely pathetic and just a complete travesty that Kevin is this bad, and I struggle to find the words that can appropriately describe the incomparable degree of complete shittiness that Kevin continues to demonstrate each and every week. I can’t anymore… I just can’t.
Trevor reaches final form as Fantasy Warlock; unleashes thermonuclear firestorm on league in record win over Tyler 223.35 – 146.2
Yup, just another “normal” season for the perennial playoff contender and Master of the Dark Arts, Trevor. Going into this game, the staff had this pegged as one of the best match ups of the week, and we figured Tyler would have the requisite players to be able to contend with Trevor and his uncanny ability to magically inhibit his opponents from scoring points against him. On paper it all made sense… Little did we know Trevor was secretly hiding away in the shadows planning his most terrifying move yet. A true sleight of hand so masterfully stroked that Cersei Lannister’s destruction of the Sept of the Baelor now looks like child’s play. All while we were gazing our awe at the point producing stallions pacing our league, Grant and Alex, Trevor just kept plotting away on his evil schemes in obscurity, protected by the mysterious darkness of the middle of the standings shading him from anyone in the league noticing a behemoth explosion of points he was about to detonate on us all. And. Good. Fucking. God. When the smoke finally cleared from his epic eruption of points, it was nothing like we have ever seen in the history of the league. He had three (count em’!) players top 44 points, including 54 from Tyler Lockett, which is the third most ever by a single player in league history and the most ever from a position player (Aaron Rodgers scored 59.05 for Daniel and Deshaun Watson scored 55 for Tyler last year). On top of that if you combine Tom Brady’s 48.55, Davante’s 44.6 and Lockett’s 54, that adds up to a total of 147.15 points. That means even if Trevor was goosed by everyone else in his starting lineup last week, those three players alone would have scored enough for Trevor to beat Tyler, who scored 146.2. Let that one sink in for a second… So we think it’s time to cue up a little Winds of Winter as Trevor triumphantly slow-mo walks out of the smoldering cloud of Tyler’s team’s eviscerated ashes, staring off into the sunset gloriously before he continues to trek off into the distance, dead set on coming for us all like the Night King. With this performance and the “stat correction” victory now under Trev’s belt, it just feels inevitable at this point. God help us all.
Awards:
Gus Bus Best Bench of the Week – Yours truly for losing to Alex after Chase Edmonds and Diontae Johnson go off on my bench
The frustration has without doubt continued to build for me as the season continues to trudge along, and last week hit the tipping point after carding another disappointing performance with multiple bench players having excellent performances only for those points not to count. The staff hesitated to give me this negative award only because it would have been a stretch to play both Edmonds and Johnson last week, but if I would have done so instead of Kenyan Drake’s bitch ass and DJ Chark, I would have been able to conquer the standings leader and still have a decent shot at the playoffs. That’s just how this season goes, I guess. Mother would not approve!
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – Kevin for losing to DW’s pitiful team
This one clearly goes without saying. This was arguably the most disappointing performance by a team in league history as Kevin had everything on the line trying so hard to avoid the embarrassment of being the last winless team, in a season immediately following a championship no less… This is the definition of disappointing. Kevin should be totally ashamed of himself. Disgraceful. I’d rather die than live in a world where I can’t kick your ass, Frank!
Power Rankings:
1. KenUdigit 6-1; Power Score: 9.75
Against the staff’s early year prediction, the top spot of the Power Rankings has honestly been rather stable, with Grant once again claiming the number one ranking. With only a single blemish on the season by virtue of yours truly, Grant’s accomplishments up to this moment have been nothing short of brilliant. He’s been dominating on all fronts so far en route to his 6-1 record, and he is sporting a shiny 51-12 League Record, the second best Coach Performance (116.4 points left on the board), and the second most Points For (1158.75). At this point the only question is if he has stocked up on enough laundry detergent so he can thoroughly cleanse the many pairs of cum laden shorts he continues to produce each week as he racks up the victories.
2. AlexAshak 6-1; Power Score: 8.95
Another staple at the top of the Power Rankings, coming in at number two we have Alex and his league leading team in terms of Points For (1181.55). Since his Week 1 defeat, Alex has impressively strung off six consecutive wins, most of them by way of dominating performances, to the tune of a sizzling 173.1 point per game pace. Still, the staff isn’t ready to advise Alex to start dusting off the trophy mantle quite yet, as we will find out how real his team is over the next three weeks as he faces Daniel, Tyler, and Grant who have a combined record of 16-6. If he is able to make it through that gauntlet unscathed, then the staff might have to consider hitting up Amazon to purchase an extra-large bottle of trophy polish for the league commish. We’ll see.
3. Tyler 4-3; Power Score: 7.75
Funnily enough, even after an explicitly vicious throat fucking his team received last week, somehow Tyler actually rises one spot in the rankings and finds himself at number three. It’s been an interesting year to say the least for the former champion. While he is still above .500 and very much in the playoff race, he has now lost two weeks in a row and falls down to 5th in the league standings. In years past, Tyler has been plagued by inconsistent performances as he always seems to be just in arms reach of Madame Inconsistency, who has been known to throw the occasional jab to the nut sack of his hopes. This season however, he has been remarkably consistent and still remains the only team in the league to not log less than 145 points in a single week. The staff will make it a point to give him kudos for that little nugget once his team has been cleared by doctors to check out from their stint in the burn unit due to their savage incineration last week at the hands of Trevor. Get well soon my dude!
4. DanielWest 5-2; Power Score: 7.25
Moving along, Daniel slides in at number four this week, marking his lowest ranking of the year so far. After the splendid five game winning streak to start his season, Daniel has thrown up back to back repulsive efforts of Fantasy Production, averaging an appallingly low 129.55 points per game. Right about now is when Dan the Man should start to be concerned that even though he started off strong, his rightful and customary home situated squarely at the bottom of the standings might be where he is going to be relegated to by season’s end. For more on the current state of Daniel’s team, the always lovely and epitome of hotness, Erin Andrews, is standing by. Erin, what are the reports coming out of the locker room on the team’s morale?
“Very low.”
Wow. We didn’t know if she could get the normal high-level insight that we have been accustomed to Erin providing, but she delivered again. Keep up the great work, Erin, and don’t stop being fine as hell!
5. Tspires 5-2; Power Score: 6.9
Even with the ungodly outpouring of points last week, coming in at the number five spot is Trevor and his mystical fantasy prowess. After last week he has undeniably propelled himself right to the top of the conversation for most dangerous teams in the league, one that I’m sure no one would want to face in the playoffs. That said, with how far in the hole he was in terms of the Power Rankings, he still has a lot of work to climb up near the top. Whether it is his barely under .500 League Record (31-32), his third worst Coach Performance (174.9 points left on the bench), or his third easiest schedule to date (total opponent record of 22-27), all these stats point to him being a mediocre team at best. You didn’t hear us say that though. Oh god no! We didn’t say anything bad about your team Trevor, we swear. For the love of god we have families! Let’s just put down the enchanted staff and stop the demonic conjurings, okay? That’s right… Nice and slow… Nice and slow…
6. KartierKyle 2-5; Power Score: 3.9
With a massive gap between the Power Score for the top teams and the lower tier teams, we arrive at the best (statistically speaking) of the shitty teams with Kyle slotting into number six. So congratulations, I guess? Of all the terrible teams in the league, the computers somehow think you’re the best. Go figure. We have nothing nice to say about Kyle’s miserable team this season and his sheer disregard for conducting his managerial decisions with even a modicum of Fantasy Acumen, once again has the staff rejecting any idea that he knows what he is doing. He has the third worst Points For (974.85), fourth worst Coach Performance (163.85 points left on the board), and the fourth worst League Record (23-40). If your scoring at home, none of that is good. I think it’s time we finally recognize that for the foreseeable future our league might just be perpetually subjected to “Terrible Fantasy Manager Kyle” who has cable. Don’t be like that Kyle. Get rid of cable and upgrade to DirecTV.
7. Jweverstad 3-4; Power Score: 3.8
As we descend down the rankings, finding himself all the way down at number seven is Mr. Injury himself, Jared. We are willing to acknowledge Jared has been the unforgiving recipient of maybe the worst injury luck in the league this season, but we are not excusing the embattled manager’s ability to navigate those injuries with any competence. He is coming off a rather important win over Kyle’s laughable band of Fantasy Duds, which halts the doctors from mercifully pulling the plug on his hope’s life support for one more week. Yet, his 145.85 points last week is only the second time all season he has eclipsed 145 points in a game, and he now falls into second to last in Points For (965.3), which is basically last because DW’s team is so beyond terrible that we shouldn’t even count them at this point. My advice? Jared better start making sure his team’s affairs are in order and the wills are filled out correctly. The bad news from the doc is probably coming sooner rather than later.
8. Jressa 3-4; Power Score: 3.55
Well, it was only a matter of time before we reached the team managed by yours truly, and finally we make it to me, all the way down at number eight. Do I take responsibility for the thorough atrociousness my team emits on a weekly basis? Absolutely not! I have done everything perfect, and the Fantasy World is out to get me and has consistently bit me in the ass for reasons that still remain unclear. After my rightful title was stolen from last year by Kevin, my 2020 campaign has now been inhibited by the radical mobs cancelling my players’ abilities to score points. Nah, I blame China for this. Fuck those damn commies!
9. Kshak 0-7; Power Score: 3.45
Moving right along, falling into the number nine position is the winless Kevin. We’ve poured it on pretty heavy with the criticism of the reigning champion, so if you think we are going to take it a little easier on him, then think again, fools. If it hasn’t been said already, this season will forever go down as a skid mark on the underpants of the sanctity of our championship trophy. To go winless for over the first half of the season while attempting a title defense is an abomination so irresponsible that he may have desecrated our sacred trophy to the point no amount of blessings by a high priest could restore its previous glory. Sorry folks. I call it like I see it. You couldn’t get one win Kev? Just one!? Ugh… I spit at the feet of your team in complete disgust. You and you’re men are the biggest mistake in the history of this league!
10. DWwarner 1-6; Power Score: 2.9
Last and certainly least is DW, manning the ass end of the human centileague, and attached directly by the mouth. Let’s see… his team is dumpster fire of shit floating in a sea of piss atop a giant mountain of used tampons. Not good. But hey he won last week. So at least there’s that.
Aaand that will do it gents. As always, good luck and godspeed in all the Fantasy Battles taking place this week. Until next next time, peace out!
Ohhhh shit! That’s right fellas… It is I, the one they call the Authority on Analysis and the Connoisseur of Criticism, showing up again, and you can bet your sweet ass we won’t stop doling out the multi-platinum hits each week like our girl T Swift, until we have penetrated deep into each and every one of your infinitesimal sized brains and shot out our massive loads of Fantasy Insight. So, enter at your own risk this week, because Me and my highly trained staff (of just me) are taking no prisoners with our pen of fury as we lay down an especially edgy edition of the Passionate Playback. With our team’s last bit of hope for making the playoffs being abruptly decapitated more brutally and unfairly than Ned Stark, the staff admittedly has some pent-up animosity to unleash y’all. Additionally, many of you find yourself in a similar situation as me, and it feels like just yesterday we all had lofty expectations for our teams and were captivated by dreams of Fantasy Glory. As is the case every year though, we fly right through the season faster than an X-71 military space shuttle doing an 11G lunar slingshot to chase down an asteroid about to annihilate Earth. It’s the bitter, ill-fated deal we make with ourselves each fall when we enter into this righteous undertaking of Fantasy, but we are unable comprehend it’s finitude behind a veneer of excitement clouding our ability accept that this shit will end at some point. That is until we are cruelly eliminated from playoff contention. Yet, for the five teams above .500 and still fiercely clutching to their belief that this is “the year”, the fight rolls on, and I’m sure any thoughts pertaining to another prolonged Fantasy-less Spring waiting around the corner would be blasphemy at this juncture. Thus, the staff and I are taking it upon ourselves to insistently remind you of that harsh fate the rest of us now have to come to grips with. So, don’t take this lightly. Because as you all take strong inhales of the conspicuous haze slowly wafting through the ventilation system and building up and filling your room, that isn’t some second hand good good from a blunt Kyle just sparked up. Nah… me and the staff just unsuspectingly lobbed in a few smoke grenades of Fantasy Reality in a sting operation to take down your hopes. So don’t look now because me and the staff just busted down your door and we’re swarming in like bosses, decked out with aviators and all black tactical SWAT gear, and we’re beating down all your bitch ass’s hope with our metaphorical night sticks of Headlines, Power Rankings, and Awards. As you lay flat and dazed, all that you can make out is the blinding red and blue flashing lights pervading through the foggy hysteria as T Swift blares over the loudspeakers from the many armored squad cars lining your street. That’s right bitches! We’re on to Week 8!
Headlines:
Kevin is taken out to the woodshed and stripped of his manhood by much maligned DW; loses 150.40 – 142.25
It gets more and more hilarious by the week that our reigning champion continues to descend into bottomless cesspool of utter Fantasy Incompetence with absolutely no indication that he can ever recover from the complete and total destruction of all his good will built up last year. We touched on this match up last week, but this was the last chance for Kevin to prove to the league that he had at least one measly little ounce of self-respect by taking down arguably the worst team in league history. Right when we thought it couldn’t get any worse though, Kev instantly took aim and fired a direct shot to the head of this notion like he was John Wick gunning down some Russian mobster with a Heckler and Koch P30L. Even after starting 0-6, Kevin was still the heavy favorite going into last weekend, but things went awry right from the get go, as Odell tore his ACL in the first five minutes of the first quarter trying to tackle a defender who picked off an errant Baker “I suddenly forgot how to throw” Mayfield pass. Just like that he was goosed by one of his most important receivers, while DW threw up a hefty 42.7 by his QB, slick Joe, in that same game. On top of that AJ Green nabbed seven receptions for a solid chunk of yards to give DW a decent 15.2 points, while Singletary, Diggs, and the Steelers D all had mediocre outings for Big Kev. At that point, the unthinkable was actually in play. Could DW really win a game? Was Kevin actually going to be the last team to be winless? This couldn’t be happening…
Then the afternoon games came, and the schism in the space time continuum of Fantasy caused by the mere thought DW would not be the last defeated team was briefly rectified as Kevin took a big lead after a mammoth 47.95 effort by Justin Herbert and 32.7 from James Robinson. It took half of a season, but Big Kev finally had a wide-open road, straight to Victory Town, and all he had left to do was cruise comfortably to the finish line. Even with DW somehow squeaking out very good 13 from the “Butt Man”, Harrison Butker, in the middle of a blizzard mind you, Kevin had over a 20-point lead going into the Sunday and Monday night games. Yes, DW was very much in the game, and some might even say had the better chance to win. But did you really think he had a shot? Did you really think Christian Kirk and Darrell Henderson were going to put up over 20 points and get DW the win? I am man enough to admit, even with how bad Kevin’s luck has been this year, I couldn’t comprehend DW, operating on full auto pilot mode at this point, actually pulling this one off… Then all the sudden DW’s team hit the NOS and caught right up to Kevin like Brian and Dom chasing down a semi to boost some DVD players. While Kevin was riding with the top down, letting the hair blow in the breeze, and jamming out to T Swift, the impending relief of finally making it safely to Victory Town was abruptly stolen during an intense mid highway hijacking by DW’s 20.7 from Kirk and 9.6 from Henderson. Now Big Kev is left stranded alone in the pouring rain with nothing but his suddenly ruined Deluxe Edition “Fearless” T Swift album, and a Dutch Bros stamp card one short of a free drink. It’s absolutely pathetic and just a complete travesty that Kevin is this bad, and I struggle to find the words that can appropriately describe the incomparable degree of complete shittiness that Kevin continues to demonstrate each and every week. I can’t anymore… I just can’t.
Trevor reaches final form as Fantasy Warlock; unleashes thermonuclear firestorm on league in record win over Tyler 223.35 – 146.2
Yup, just another “normal” season for the perennial playoff contender and Master of the Dark Arts, Trevor. Going into this game, the staff had this pegged as one of the best match ups of the week, and we figured Tyler would have the requisite players to be able to contend with Trevor and his uncanny ability to magically inhibit his opponents from scoring points against him. On paper it all made sense… Little did we know Trevor was secretly hiding away in the shadows planning his most terrifying move yet. A true sleight of hand so masterfully stroked that Cersei Lannister’s destruction of the Sept of the Baelor now looks like child’s play. All while we were gazing our awe at the point producing stallions pacing our league, Grant and Alex, Trevor just kept plotting away on his evil schemes in obscurity, protected by the mysterious darkness of the middle of the standings shading him from anyone in the league noticing a behemoth explosion of points he was about to detonate on us all. And. Good. Fucking. God. When the smoke finally cleared from his epic eruption of points, it was nothing like we have ever seen in the history of the league. He had three (count em’!) players top 44 points, including 54 from Tyler Lockett, which is the third most ever by a single player in league history and the most ever from a position player (Aaron Rodgers scored 59.05 for Daniel and Deshaun Watson scored 55 for Tyler last year). On top of that if you combine Tom Brady’s 48.55, Davante’s 44.6 and Lockett’s 54, that adds up to a total of 147.15 points. That means even if Trevor was goosed by everyone else in his starting lineup last week, those three players alone would have scored enough for Trevor to beat Tyler, who scored 146.2. Let that one sink in for a second… So we think it’s time to cue up a little Winds of Winter as Trevor triumphantly slow-mo walks out of the smoldering cloud of Tyler’s team’s eviscerated ashes, staring off into the sunset gloriously before he continues to trek off into the distance, dead set on coming for us all like the Night King. With this performance and the “stat correction” victory now under Trev’s belt, it just feels inevitable at this point. God help us all.
Awards:
Gus Bus Best Bench of the Week – Yours truly for losing to Alex after Chase Edmonds and Diontae Johnson go off on my bench
The frustration has without doubt continued to build for me as the season continues to trudge along, and last week hit the tipping point after carding another disappointing performance with multiple bench players having excellent performances only for those points not to count. The staff hesitated to give me this negative award only because it would have been a stretch to play both Edmonds and Johnson last week, but if I would have done so instead of Kenyan Drake’s bitch ass and DJ Chark, I would have been able to conquer the standings leader and still have a decent shot at the playoffs. That’s just how this season goes, I guess. Mother would not approve!
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – Kevin for losing to DW’s pitiful team
This one clearly goes without saying. This was arguably the most disappointing performance by a team in league history as Kevin had everything on the line trying so hard to avoid the embarrassment of being the last winless team, in a season immediately following a championship no less… This is the definition of disappointing. Kevin should be totally ashamed of himself. Disgraceful. I’d rather die than live in a world where I can’t kick your ass, Frank!
Power Rankings:
1. KenUdigit 6-1; Power Score: 9.75
Against the staff’s early year prediction, the top spot of the Power Rankings has honestly been rather stable, with Grant once again claiming the number one ranking. With only a single blemish on the season by virtue of yours truly, Grant’s accomplishments up to this moment have been nothing short of brilliant. He’s been dominating on all fronts so far en route to his 6-1 record, and he is sporting a shiny 51-12 League Record, the second best Coach Performance (116.4 points left on the board), and the second most Points For (1158.75). At this point the only question is if he has stocked up on enough laundry detergent so he can thoroughly cleanse the many pairs of cum laden shorts he continues to produce each week as he racks up the victories.
2. AlexAshak 6-1; Power Score: 8.95
Another staple at the top of the Power Rankings, coming in at number two we have Alex and his league leading team in terms of Points For (1181.55). Since his Week 1 defeat, Alex has impressively strung off six consecutive wins, most of them by way of dominating performances, to the tune of a sizzling 173.1 point per game pace. Still, the staff isn’t ready to advise Alex to start dusting off the trophy mantle quite yet, as we will find out how real his team is over the next three weeks as he faces Daniel, Tyler, and Grant who have a combined record of 16-6. If he is able to make it through that gauntlet unscathed, then the staff might have to consider hitting up Amazon to purchase an extra-large bottle of trophy polish for the league commish. We’ll see.
3. Tyler 4-3; Power Score: 7.75
Funnily enough, even after an explicitly vicious throat fucking his team received last week, somehow Tyler actually rises one spot in the rankings and finds himself at number three. It’s been an interesting year to say the least for the former champion. While he is still above .500 and very much in the playoff race, he has now lost two weeks in a row and falls down to 5th in the league standings. In years past, Tyler has been plagued by inconsistent performances as he always seems to be just in arms reach of Madame Inconsistency, who has been known to throw the occasional jab to the nut sack of his hopes. This season however, he has been remarkably consistent and still remains the only team in the league to not log less than 145 points in a single week. The staff will make it a point to give him kudos for that little nugget once his team has been cleared by doctors to check out from their stint in the burn unit due to their savage incineration last week at the hands of Trevor. Get well soon my dude!
4. DanielWest 5-2; Power Score: 7.25
Moving along, Daniel slides in at number four this week, marking his lowest ranking of the year so far. After the splendid five game winning streak to start his season, Daniel has thrown up back to back repulsive efforts of Fantasy Production, averaging an appallingly low 129.55 points per game. Right about now is when Dan the Man should start to be concerned that even though he started off strong, his rightful and customary home situated squarely at the bottom of the standings might be where he is going to be relegated to by season’s end. For more on the current state of Daniel’s team, the always lovely and epitome of hotness, Erin Andrews, is standing by. Erin, what are the reports coming out of the locker room on the team’s morale?
“Very low.”
Wow. We didn’t know if she could get the normal high-level insight that we have been accustomed to Erin providing, but she delivered again. Keep up the great work, Erin, and don’t stop being fine as hell!
5. Tspires 5-2; Power Score: 6.9
Even with the ungodly outpouring of points last week, coming in at the number five spot is Trevor and his mystical fantasy prowess. After last week he has undeniably propelled himself right to the top of the conversation for most dangerous teams in the league, one that I’m sure no one would want to face in the playoffs. That said, with how far in the hole he was in terms of the Power Rankings, he still has a lot of work to climb up near the top. Whether it is his barely under .500 League Record (31-32), his third worst Coach Performance (174.9 points left on the bench), or his third easiest schedule to date (total opponent record of 22-27), all these stats point to him being a mediocre team at best. You didn’t hear us say that though. Oh god no! We didn’t say anything bad about your team Trevor, we swear. For the love of god we have families! Let’s just put down the enchanted staff and stop the demonic conjurings, okay? That’s right… Nice and slow… Nice and slow…
6. KartierKyle 2-5; Power Score: 3.9
With a massive gap between the Power Score for the top teams and the lower tier teams, we arrive at the best (statistically speaking) of the shitty teams with Kyle slotting into number six. So congratulations, I guess? Of all the terrible teams in the league, the computers somehow think you’re the best. Go figure. We have nothing nice to say about Kyle’s miserable team this season and his sheer disregard for conducting his managerial decisions with even a modicum of Fantasy Acumen, once again has the staff rejecting any idea that he knows what he is doing. He has the third worst Points For (974.85), fourth worst Coach Performance (163.85 points left on the board), and the fourth worst League Record (23-40). If your scoring at home, none of that is good. I think it’s time we finally recognize that for the foreseeable future our league might just be perpetually subjected to “Terrible Fantasy Manager Kyle” who has cable. Don’t be like that Kyle. Get rid of cable and upgrade to DirecTV.
7. Jweverstad 3-4; Power Score: 3.8
As we descend down the rankings, finding himself all the way down at number seven is Mr. Injury himself, Jared. We are willing to acknowledge Jared has been the unforgiving recipient of maybe the worst injury luck in the league this season, but we are not excusing the embattled manager’s ability to navigate those injuries with any competence. He is coming off a rather important win over Kyle’s laughable band of Fantasy Duds, which halts the doctors from mercifully pulling the plug on his hope’s life support for one more week. Yet, his 145.85 points last week is only the second time all season he has eclipsed 145 points in a game, and he now falls into second to last in Points For (965.3), which is basically last because DW’s team is so beyond terrible that we shouldn’t even count them at this point. My advice? Jared better start making sure his team’s affairs are in order and the wills are filled out correctly. The bad news from the doc is probably coming sooner rather than later.
8. Jressa 3-4; Power Score: 3.55
Well, it was only a matter of time before we reached the team managed by yours truly, and finally we make it to me, all the way down at number eight. Do I take responsibility for the thorough atrociousness my team emits on a weekly basis? Absolutely not! I have done everything perfect, and the Fantasy World is out to get me and has consistently bit me in the ass for reasons that still remain unclear. After my rightful title was stolen from last year by Kevin, my 2020 campaign has now been inhibited by the radical mobs cancelling my players’ abilities to score points. Nah, I blame China for this. Fuck those damn commies!
9. Kshak 0-7; Power Score: 3.45
Moving right along, falling into the number nine position is the winless Kevin. We’ve poured it on pretty heavy with the criticism of the reigning champion, so if you think we are going to take it a little easier on him, then think again, fools. If it hasn’t been said already, this season will forever go down as a skid mark on the underpants of the sanctity of our championship trophy. To go winless for over the first half of the season while attempting a title defense is an abomination so irresponsible that he may have desecrated our sacred trophy to the point no amount of blessings by a high priest could restore its previous glory. Sorry folks. I call it like I see it. You couldn’t get one win Kev? Just one!? Ugh… I spit at the feet of your team in complete disgust. You and you’re men are the biggest mistake in the history of this league!
10. DWwarner 1-6; Power Score: 2.9
Last and certainly least is DW, manning the ass end of the human centileague, and attached directly by the mouth. Let’s see… his team is dumpster fire of shit floating in a sea of piss atop a giant mountain of used tampons. Not good. But hey he won last week. So at least there’s that.
Aaand that will do it gents. As always, good luck and godspeed in all the Fantasy Battles taking place this week. Until next next time, peace out!
