Week 5
Passionate Playback: Week 5
Why hello there my Swifties! You’re fearless leader of the Swifty-Brotherhood is here again and I extend to you a most gracious of welcomings and invite you on in from another fabulous week of fantasy football. I’m so very excited to return yet again with the Passionate Playback to help you all wrap your heads around the wild roller coaster ride that was a super sized Week 5 of scoring. This past week we were so humbly treated to an absolutely incredible display of fantasy scoring, which equated to some pretty epic scoring sprees by some of the top teams in the league. As the fantasy pundits will tell, the history books were rewritten with five (Counte ‘em!) position players scoring over 40 standard PPR points in one week for the first time in the Super Bowl Era. And guess what? I’m proud to be able sit here and tell you that all 5 players were in starting lineups across the league during last week’s score fest. If you asked me before last weekend, I would’ve bet that in our league there was no way that would be possible. Nevertheless, we were privileged to a historic week of fantasy output, and now I must stand corrected, confessing to you all that my utter lack of faith in your managerial acumen has been proven to be misguided. So thank you for making this league the best one in the whole wide world fantasy football. I couldn’t be more thankful to call myself… (*voice cracks*) an Emotional Friend. (*holding back tears*) Goddammit, I told myself I wasn’t going to get emotional, but that’s just the kind of friends we are… you know?
Anyway, moving right along, it was without doubt a rough time in Week 4 with how we suffered through no names scoring at an annoyingly high rate, which yielded low scoring totals across the league. However, luckily for us, the Fantasy Gods smiled down upon us in Week 5, giving multitudes of key players the strength to pull off herculean efforts of fantasy point production. The average for points scored per team was up considerably, and just about everyone enjoyed a nice little boost in their final tally compared to previous weeks. On top of all that, with a solid horde of relevant players in lineups for the Sunday night and Monday night games, tensions were sky high as many matchups still held in the balance of our weekend night cappers. Well, for most of us anyway… I’ll say this; we could be looking back at last week as the one where the best teams so boldly proclaimed they were laying down a sturdy line of demarcation between the lower rung and the league’s elite. Yet, it was an all too bitter reality that, while it was a rather fun week, some of us received the proverbial nail in the coffin on the argument of whether their team is good or not (Hint: Not good). It seems to be about this time on the fantasy calendar when we really start to learn which league mates’ can claim legitimacy in terms of their playoff chances, but at the same time, with how crazy things have gone, I begin to ponder if that is even truly the case. We have so many questions still left unanswered. Is Trevor’s 4-1 record implicating that he his primed to once more make a run into the league’s title game, or is it all just a façade behind the ridiculously low amount points scored against him? Do we discount the fact DW is shouldering two of the most earth shattering bad beats we’ve ever seen because he is on probably the greatest 5 week tear in league history, or will his team regress and his two unlucky L’s come back to haunt him later in the season. Lastly, will Kam prove successful on his quest for the defeated season, or will the likes of Daniel or Kyle overthrow him from his current seat as the league’s “Shittiest Team”. It’s all so exciting! I don’t know about y’all, but I for one can’t wait to see how it all plays out. It’s fantasy football baby and we get to ride shotgun as it drives us full speed into Week 6, straight down the highway to Pleasure Town. So, sit back tight, roll those windows down, let the cool autumn breeze blow your hair back, and start bumping to the immortal lyrics of T Siz blaring over the speakers. Don’t be shy! Sing it at the top of your lungs!!!
♪ ♩ ♬ ♫ ♪
My opponent crumbled overnight
I got lucky in a close fight
May not get the crown, but it's alright
All the haters are calling me dumb
Nobody has beat me for a month
I'm doing better than I ever was…
‘Cause My RB's fit like a daydream
Scoring when my team’s down
I'm not gonna be 3-2
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to
My QB's fly like a jet stream
High above the whole scene
Scoring like you never knew
So call it what you want, yeah, call it what you want to
♪ ♩ ♬ ♫ ♪
Awards:
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – Kshak scoring 96.55
The giant elephant in the room as I discussed all the hype over this week’s scoring frenzy was obviously the fact that Big Kev’s Week 5 piss poor performance amounted to what was essentially a giant stinking cloud of queefs. For successive weeks an Ashak brother fell flat on his face to take home the biggest disappointment award, but for Kevin this was especially brutal when you take into account he had a dream match up against the lowly Mr. Daniel who sat winless going into the Week 5 bout. It is an understatement to say this was not a good look for man looking to stay firmly placed at the top of the standings. I guess we will see if he can get back on track against Grant in Week 6, but the seeds of doubt have to be creeping in for him at this point. No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don’t party. Okay? You do not party!
Rudy Ruettiger Biggest Upset of the Week – DanielWest beating Kshak
On the other side of the matchup of Kevin’s nightmarish Week 5, was the previously winless Daniel, pulling out a shocking victory and at the same time taking down one of our league’s best teams through four week’s. The staff (of just me) has to say we are mightily impressed with the grit and heart Daniel showed by putting together a solid fantasy lineup that rose to the occasion against a formidable opponent. His 148.75 wasn’t necessarily anything mind bottling, but he snatches his first win on his 2019 campaign and we finally get a sign of life out of his mediocre team. Albeit it was only a fleeting little blip on the heart rate monitor, but it’s better than how he was straight flat lining through the first quarter of the year. He’s got a massive mountain left to scale ahead if he wants to start even thinking playoffs, but for one week he can bask in the glory of a good ole’ fashion upset. I can do it coach!
Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week – AlexAshak playing Will Fuller
Earlier I so graciously commended our league for starting every 40-point scorer last week, but let’s be honest, four of those players were no brainer starts. The only questionable call came in the form of a player whose previous highest point total on the year was 10.1 points. Alex saw right through the porous Falcons D though and ran with Fuller in the flex, trusting the matchup would play in his favor. What happened next you ask? Oh you know, Willy Boy just went out and delivered one of the most magical fantasy days in the history of the game… No big deal. Going against the powerhouse DWwarner squad, he needed every single one of those 54.7 points too, as it catapulted him for the win and highest point total of any week thus far. It was an absolutely fantastic call, and for that we salute you, Mr. Alex. Do you like apples? Well, I got her number! How do you like them apples!?
Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week; Honorable Mention – jressa playing Eagles D/ST
I will come clean and say I almost gave myself this award for starting the Eagles against the terrible Jets. I would say in about 98% of other weeks this would be a slam-dunk for smartest call. Yes, the Eagles had not even been considered a frisky fantasy D/ST at that point, but the juiciness of the matchup made them a viable streaming option. Well, 10 sacks, two touchdowns, and 42 fantasy points later, they were looking pretty damn frisky if you ask me. Much like Alex, with my opponent lighting up the scoreboard as well, those points proved valuable in what was a pivotal Week 4 win for my crew. They call that streaming from the top shelf. Now I gotta go see about a girl.
Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks Game of the Week – DWwarner vs. AlexAshak
Oh my sweet Jesus! This was another fun one to watch, gents. For the second time of the year, the staff and I are dishing out a best game award after an extraordinary matchup of two of the leagues top teams. Going into this Week 5 tilt, there was definitely some buzz around the two 3-1 teams going at it, and then to turn around and witness a brain melding scoring barrage like no other from both parties involved, I have to say it didn’t let us down in the slightest. When the dust from what we are dubbing as the “Point-Nado Game” settled, Alex’s 210.4 and DW’s 199.3 became the highest and third highest marks of the season so far (My 201.45 last week is now #2) and could very well stay that way for the remainder of the season. So many things jumped off the page right away when diving into this game. For one, to stay on brand with this season’s theme of craziness and unpredictability, in a game where both teams combined to have 10 players score more than 20, five score more than 30, and three put up more than 40; each team was of course goosed by a starter in their lineup. So, they each essentially put up record points with 1 less player than the rest of the teams in the league. Yeah… I’m still trying to process that one. Secondly, DW finding himself on the losing end of his second fantasy classic in 5 weeks is about as unlucky (and funny) as it gets, and has sparked a debate over who is this year’s unluckiest team. I don’t have an answer to that, but it’s certainly an interesting thought experiment. Then, to finish off all the fun, the game concluded with a nice little Sunday night comeback by Alex as he sealed the win on this season’s most impressive victory to date. This truly was one to behold. Let me tell you, a double-fault final-play elimination hasn’t occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all know how THAT turned out.
Power Rankings:
It came to my attention that it is possible there may or may not need to be a refresher on the formula for power rankings because I assumed everyone recalled it from past league write-ups. However, just in case you forgot I copied and pasted a past explanation of Power Score I still had saved on the trusty MacBook below:
“Now these aren’t your every-day-normal-guy power rankings we are talking about here people. We are talking about a revolutionary way to evaluate team and manager performance through statistical analysis with a fancy statistic I so aptly named Power Score. Basically I took five categories (Record, League Record, Coach Performance, Points For, and Points Against) and ranked each team in every category up through the current week. The categories of “Record”, “Points for”, and “Points Against” are exactly that, your record, the total amount of points scored and the points scored against, respectively. The category of “League Record” is your record if you played every team every week. So if you were the highest scoring team one week you were 9-0, if you were the second highest scoring team you were 8-1, and so on. Lastly, the category of “Coach Performance” is the amount of points you left on the bench by not playing your most optimal lineup. After ranking each team in all five categories, based on that rank, you get points. 10 for first, 9 for second, 8 for third, and so on. Then I weighted out each category to emphasize the more important ones (35% for record, 25% for League Record, 10% for coach performance, 20% for points for, and 10% for Points Against) before adding them all up to get your Power Score. Additionally, if your statistical dominance in one category is so great that you fall one standard deviation above the mean, then you will be awarded an extra half point bonus. On the flip side, statistically awful numbers may net you a half point reduction in a category if you fall at least on standard deviation from the mean in the wrong direction. Make sense? Good.”
1. AlexAshak 4-1; Power Score: 9.65
Well look who we find here, if it isn’t our mangly grangly Commisioner rolling in at number one. On the back of one hell of a fantasy day, he returns to the top spot after only a week ago we were wondering if he was about to go on a free fall down the rankings. Fantasy is such a mysterious game sometimes. When your number one pick goes down, call me old fashioned, but it doesn’t usually lead to a gargantuan uptick in fantasy points. None the wiser, Alex continues to ride out the Saquon injury bug by jumping straight into the driver’s seat of this week’s power rankings. His second best League Record of 31-14 and league best Coach Performance with only 70.4 points left on the bench through 5 weeks, lends to a nice tidy view from up top as he readies his roster for his week 6 fantasy battle with Tyler. You are spared from my criticism this week, my friend. I can’t make any promises about next week though…
2. DWwarner 3-2; Power Score: 9.10
Coming in at number two is DW, and as the year continues to go on, the staff continues to marvel at the level of consistency his team has proudly paraded through 5 weeks. I know I keep harping on the unprecedented nature of what he is doing (and simultaneously hoping will stop), but I can’t stress enough how we have never seen this before in our league. Never. The numbers back it up too. He is averaging nearly 180 points per game this season and, even with two losses, still boasts a shimmering 41-4 League Record. His lowest amount of points scored in a game this year is 164.5. Not counting DW, the entire league combined has only eclipsed this mark 7 times. DW has done it freaking 5 times already on his own. It’s not just the pure volume of points, but it is the consistency in which he produces them that is so rare in fantasy and makes it even more dumbfounding he has somehow found a way to lose two games during this implausible stretch. This brings up the age-old fantasy debate on who the unluckiest team is in a given season. If your vote goes to DW because it makes literally no sense he isn’t 5-0, no one would fault your logic. The contrarians though might argue with how many points have been scored against him, the fact he’s pulled out heroic fantasy performances from week to week, actually should make him the league’s luckiest team to even be able to claim a 3-2 record at this point. I don’t really know which way I lean. The only thing I do know is we owe a major shout out to the schedule makers for saving us all from the wrath that is DW’s 2019 so far. They’re the true heroes in all this. (*starts slow clap*)
3. jressa 4-1; Power Score: 8.95
With a big Week 5, yours truly holds down the number three ranking for the second straight week. It was a nerve-racking week for sure, having to wait out the win as much of my players’ games were spread out over Sunday and Monday night. The feeling of not having anyone active in your lineup on a Sunday afternoon while you helplessly watch your large lead evaporate as Aaron-fucking-Jones keeps getting goal line carries, is up there in the worst possible fantasy feelings category. Yet, even with my three-headed Chief-O-Dagger once again underwhelming, I still found a way to be one of only two teams to break the 200-point barrier and exercise my demons against Tyler who bested me all three times I played him last year, including the first round of the playoffs. Am I at all concerned with the my second to last Coach Performance and the fact both my starting running backs are on bye in Week 7? Yes. Yes I am. But it’s a week-to-week proposition, so we trudge on with the four wins already notched and looking for more vengeance in Week 6 against Kyle who was also one of only the three teams to beat me last year. Like the great Edmond Dantes, I am set out on one thing and one thing only this season: Revenge.
4. Kshak 3-2; Power Score: 7.35
After topping out as the number two team in the rankings last week, Kevin slides down to four following his dreadful Week 5 showing, barely mustering a measly 96.55 points. While the rest of the league was having a blast inside at the scoring party, poor Kev was left stranded outside in the bitter cold of a torrential down poor, shivering with his head down crying into his now ruined Taylor Swift poster. Sorry man, but you know Becky was going to be there and we didn’t want it to be weird. Anyway, as his brother did last week, Kev will get a nice opportunity in Week 6 to get back aboard the winning train against Grant, still trying be competitive with Jared’s broke ass roster. Even with his week from hell, he still maintains a 27-18 League Record and the second best Coach Performance, so he has reason for optimism. Wait until Becky sees how good Patty looks with you, she’s going be so jealous!
5. Tspires 4-1; Power Score: 6.65
Sliding in at number five we have Trevor, who is very clearly propped up by his 4-1 record, as we make the turn into mid season. To come full circle, in terms of the luckiest team conversation, there really isn’t a debate. Trevor has been this year’s luckiest team by far and it’s not close. This is not to say he isn’t going to make the playoffs or he is about to start a nosedive down the standings, but it really is a crime he’s only suffered one loss at this juncture of the season. By any metric you look at his performance has not been worthy of a spot at the top of the standings. Whether it’s his 20-25 League Record, his 5th best points scored, or his league worst 197.85 points left on his bench. None of this should add up to being 4-1, but it’s like he’s conjured up that infamous T Swift breakup voodoo to cast on his opposing players and somehow he just keeps winning. If DW is playing this fantasy season on All-Madden, Trevor has the difficulty turned down to Rookie. Opposing teams have unfathomably only scored 621.95 points against him, good for the least amount in the league by a mile. To give it some framework, his points against is roughly 100 less than the team with second least amount of points against (Kam at 721.05) and whole freaking 200 points less than DW (most points scored against at 821.25), who he ironically gets to face in Week 6. That’s right folks, in strange twist of fantasy fate, the luckiest manager in the league will go toe to toe with who many consider the unluckiest manager (relatively speaking of course) in the league. It will be an exciting collision of two teams trying to answer one of fantasy’s most timeless questions: is it better to be lucky or good? My prediction? Something unpredictable is going to happen.
6. Tborgs 2-3; Power Score: 5.75
As we move right along into the bottom half of the power rankings, Tyler gets the honorable distinction of best bad team with the number six spot. We’ll call his season at this stage… odd? If you disregard his Week 1, over the last four weeks he is 2-2 with an average point differential in those games of 11.8 points. Furthermore, he has averaged 151 points over that span while his opponents are averaging 153.89. That’s about as dead even as it can be in fantasy football. His run of the mill roster quietly continues to sustain a pace of mediocrity that I’m sure frustrates the hell out of Tyler, and it’s starting to become a real possibility that our reigning champion may be caught outside the playoff bubble if he can’t shake the Sex Panther-esque funk on his season. 60% of the time… Tyler’s losing a close one every time.
7. HouseWeverstad 2-3; Power Score: 4.5
Continuing our free fall down the rankings, Grant, still doing his best to manage his Jared-handicapped roster, gets slotted into the number seven hole this week. It’s difficult to be critical of a manager who didn’t get to draft his roster, but don’t worry, the staff of (just me) never lets a little obstacle like that get in our way. With a winnable matchup against Kyle in Week 5, he came up short in a vitally important chance to get above .500 heading into mid season. It’s a tough look to have the second least amount of points for at 640.25 and 7th best League Record at 17-28. It was a difficult proposition to ask Grant to manage such a terrible team, but he has done himself no favors showing very little savvy on the waivers. All in all, all indications is Grant isn’t going to get the job done this season as he limps into an especially tough stretch of playing three of the top four ranked teams in the power rankings. Yup, not the greatest news for Grant. Wait… hold on a second. We are getting word out of headquarters that we have some breaking good news for Grant. It’s an Inspirational Speech!!
Inspirational Speech: “Fantasy is what you love, Grant. It is what you were born to do. And here you sit, thinking. Well, Grant is not a thinker. Grant is a Fantasy Manager. He is a doer. And that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need waivers. You need points. You need to go out there, and you need to manage that lineup. You need to fire out those FAAB dollars. You need to grab a hold of that line between breakout and bust, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra! And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Grant. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? AREN’T YOU?”
8. KartierKyle 2-3; Power Score: 4.15
Longing for the days of yesteryear like an aging porn star yearns to go back to her twenties when she could get paid for taking massive loads on her face all day, we find Kyle at number eight. And much like that washed up porn star, Kyle must reconcile with fact his team this year has been relegated to performing in weird fetish videos because it just isn’t as sexy as his past teams. The embattled former league champion and reigning league runner up has struggled mightily this season and even after his Week 5 victory, his decision making all year long has left the staff scratching their heads on several occasions. For one, he cautiously saved up his FAAB dollars to finally make a big splash on the waivers with a lofty $50 bid on… Teddy Bridgewater? Total amount of competing bids for Teddy? That would be a zero. On top of that, he has Teddy placed squarely on his bench right now, which is where Delanie Walker should have been last week. Kyle was roasted by the staff for starting Delanie in Week 4 and costing him the victory, so naturally he said fuck it and doubled down on Delanie in Week 5 and let 5th ranked TE in fantasy sit comfortably on the bench. Then to literally no one’s surprise, his superstar TE squeaked out a meager 2 points. I can’t…. I just can’t anymore… Moving on!
9. DanielWest 1-4; Power Score: 2.9
Well look who we have here at number nine, Daniel, fresh off his first victory of the season with his upset victory of Big Kev. Interestingly enough Daniel actually falls a spot after his win due to Kyle’s W against Grant, but I’m sure Daniel will take the win over being leapfrogged by Kyle in the rankings. The numbers are still disturbing with his second worst League Record and third lowest amount of points scored, so his team is definitely still shitty. Though, with a win under his belt we will upgrade him from explosive-corn-filled-diarrhea shitty to a nice firm healthy stool shitty. For more on his Week 5 victory, the eye-catching journalist extraordinaire, Erin Andrews, brings us a live report from the locker room. Erin, after spending some time with team, what kind of impact will this win have for Daniel’s outlook?
“Not much.”
Well, you heard it hear first. Thanks again, Erin. I don’t know what we would do without your next level investigative reporting. And to think it’s still isn’t half as good as that banging body…
10. KamSmith 0-5; Power Score: 1.55
For the second week in a row we have our league’s Taco, Mr. Kameron, taking up the rear of the rankings with his winless season still intact. It goes without saying there really is not a single bright spot in Kam’s season as it stands currently, with his team performing to the tune of an 8-37 League Record and 621.95 Points For, both of which are dead fucking last. It’s an absolute debacle, a nightmarish show of fantasy performance that looks to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better. Me and my highly trained staff (of just me) struggled to come up with any analysis other than just ripping his horrifyingly abysmal team as he continues to sink into an unprecedented level of outright fantasy failure. Amusingly, right now, he somehow has the second least amount of points scored against him overall, which we believe firmly cements him in the conversation as worst fantasy team in the history of the league. You can’t make this stuff up. Mercifully, I’ll go ahead and end the analysis before we all go run into traffic.
Fun Facts:
- Tyler amassed 89.5 points in Week 5 from his three RB’s he started and just 10.4 points from his three WR’s - Trevor has essentially played Kameron every game this year. Kam has scored 621.95 points total this year while Trevor has had 621.5 points scored on him in total
- Average amount of points per team in Week 4 was 134.68 (lowest of any week) and in Week 5 it was 160.73 (highest of any week)
- The three players on waivers to earn bids of over $50 are Demarcus Robinson, TJ Hockenson, and Teddy Brigdewater
- Daniel outbidded me by $1 for the Carolina D/ST going into week 5. I was forced to pick up the Eagles D/ST… who scored 42 points
So I think that is about it for this week’s edition. If you were waiting on pens and needles for this week’s word count, were looking at about 4800. As always, my tough but fair assessments of all y’alls lack of competency as fantasy managers is limited to just that and nothing else. If you have a problem with my evaluation, then do something about it and win some games. Nevertheless, I will add this, if we can take away one thing from this season, it’s that Fantasy is random and really just a game of chance. So what does anyone really know? On that note, we say so long and good luck to everyone in the upcoming week. Up next, your late local news…
