Week 6
Passionate Playback: Week 6
What’s up Pussies? Yup, you already know who it is. And before you grab that sharpie to “X” out the Week 6 box on your calendar and start naively looking forward to another fun filled edition of the Passionate Playback… not so very fast my friend. First, make sure your strapped in tight and your holding on for dear life, because it’s about to get real turbulent up in this bitch as we fly at Mach five trying to out maneuver the deadly heat seeking missiles known as bye weeks tracking us into Week 7. That’s right, many of us will be white knuckling it with back ups and waivers this Sunday as Week 7 contains several teams with multiple fantasy relevant players on bye. So naturally, I felt it was the perfect week to unveil the edgiest edition of the Passionate Playback to date, packin’ punches of harsh analysis more vicious than a Mike Tyson right hook. So don’t look now, but Me and my highly trained staff (of just me) just busted down your front door and we’re slow-mo walking up to you decked out in our all black Armani suits and shades, and we’re whipping out our metaphorical Glock 9 of fantasy criticism, holding all your bitch-asses up at gunpoint. As the great Christian Webster once penned, “Don’t be a hero, don’t fidget or move, I’m not really in the mood.” So just sit there and take it helplessly as we violently ram our giant scalding hot takes into you over and over as the ironically cruel lyrics of T Sizzle, playing on loop in the back ground, drowns out the sound of your tears. It’s Week 7, baby! Mwahahaha!! (*Maniacal Laughs*)
♪ ♩ ♫ ♪ ♬ ♪
The say never trust a back up, but they love me
So I play ‘em in my line up, and I make it look oh so easy
But for every point I need them, they give me three
This is how my team works, now all the teams be scared of me
I can see those TD’s com-in’
Harsh words of hate on my lips
If a man talks shit, then I owe him nothing
I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming
They say I played someone bad
Then why’d he do so good?
They say I played someone bad
But why’d he do so good?
Most fun I ever had,
And I'd do it over and over and over again if I could
It just feels so… Good! Good!
♪ ♩ ♫ ♪ ♬ ♪
Headlines:
Trevor earns distinction of Master of the Dark Arts; beats DW 175.25 to 129.1
Well it’s about damn time. Trevor’s band of mid tier fantasy starters finally had their breakout game with his 46.15 point drumming of DW who owned the league’s most consistent team to that point of the season. Even for the mighty DW, he did not prove strong enough to overcome the powerful seductive nature of the game’s most cruel mistress, Madame Inconsistency, as Trevor once again taps into the dark arts to summon her awake from her hibernation in Hell. Playing the role of devious wingman he helps her lure his opponent’s team into her irresistible trap with a donkey punch to the nuts. DW was no exception, even as he hopped in the driver’s seat early Thursday night to clock in with a cool 53.3 points from Tom and the Pats D, which appeared to set the stage for him to leave, what we believed to be, the much inferior squad of Trevor’s in the dust. However, with Sunday morning rolling around and his balls deep within the clutches of Madame Inconsistency’s toxic grip, he lost control at the wheel, going straight into a tailspin that ended with his team flying off the side of a cliff. Six of DW’s starters failed to break 10 points and after his prolific Thursday night, the rest of his team couldn’t rally, and would only finish with a dismal 76.4 points.
For Trevor, it was finally something he could hang his hat on. We continue to document the many peculiar trends of the season and none of them may be more confounding (and unfair) than the fact literally no one has been able to put up points against him. In Trevor’s five wins this season, DW actually is the highest scoring team at 129.1. That is unbelievable if you think about it. DW now finds himself with 3 losses, two of which have come after going for over 180, while Trevor hasn’t scored more than 176 and boasts only a single loss on his 2019 campaign. With this loss, DW’s Week 7 matchup against Grant’s lowly crew, now gets upgraded to Def Con 5 level urgency or he might be staring a less than .500 record dead in the eye heading into the final half of the season. In a stunning case study of the bad team with good luck versus the great team with miserable luck, we saw this game hint at one of oldest truisms known to fantasy: it is always better to be luckier than it is to be good.
Kam keeps winless season/shittiest team ever bid alive; falls 97.25 to 141.25 to Daniel
In a matchup that featured the two worst records and just one win combined between the two teams, for the most part this one lived up to its billing. Kam unsurprisingly was on the wrong side of 100 points, and Daniel ended up with what you can talk me into as a respectable 141.25. Ultimately, a decent Monday night from A Rod and Kerryon had Daniel run away with it at the end but for most of Sunday we were treated to horrific fantasy performances with Daniel touting 6 players with less than 15 points and Kam amazingly finding a way to start 9 players with less than 15. We can only laugh hysterically as we point out Kam only had two players on his bench that were active last Sunday… and both scored over 23 points. It wouldn’t have helped him win, but it’s oddly comforting knowing his ineptitude extends to all facets of his managerial duties. He can’t draft, he doesn’t use the waivers very well, and he is awful at setting optimal lineups. Going into the second half of the season, you would think Kam has nowhere to go but up, but each week he repeatedly lowers the bar and now he is decisively entrenched in the shittiest team ever territory. We’re all less than optimistic to put it nicely, but in a futile attempt at resuscitating his season, we bring to Kam another trademark inspirational speech from the staff. You’re welcome.
Inspirational Speech:
“I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's fantasy football. No matter who you are, you are scared of losing each week. Quality players are impossible to find on the waiver wire anymore, and multiple top picks have been a bust. Not to mention the league is getting ripe again with injuries, then add that to the ungodly amount of holdouts and suspensions we see year in and year out due to the league’s ever evolving battle between their moral compass and player empowerment. Suddenly backups are running wild on game day and there's nobody anywhere who seems to be able to predict it and there's no end to it. We know fantasy is unfair and players get injured, and we sit watching our TV's while some fantasy guru tells us that today we had fifteen nobodies score and sixty-three new injured players, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't know whom to play anymore. We think we play our best players, and slowly the world we are living in starts to flip upside down, and all we say is, 'Please, at least let my running back get one touchdown. Let me have my touchdown and a couple yards and maybe a two-point conversion while we’re at it and I promise I won't say anything. Just leave me alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write in to Mathew Berry because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the holdouts and the backups scoring and the down years of some of the best players. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a Fantasy Football Owner, God damn it! My team has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want you to get up out of your chair. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad! Then we'll figure out what to do about the injuries and the poor performances by some top picks. But first get up out of your chair, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
Top four teams in the standings square off in Week 7
As we near closer and closer to playoffs time, there’s no doubt every week is a big week, but this one looms especially important as the top four teams in the standings will be matching up in the most pivotal slate of games so far this season. For all the 2-4 managers with playoff delusions of grandeur, this is their chance to gain some ground if they can manage to walk away with a victory as two of the top four teams will be guaranteed to get served an L this upcoming week.
In the first matchup we have me and Kevin going head to head in game that will be underscored by weak lineups hindered by bye weeks and a season altering injury to Patty Mahomes. With no McCaffrey or Chubbs, I once again rolled out the now tattered and dull Chief-o-Dagger to use if nothing else as a good luck charm (4-0 since starting my three Chiefs) only to scrounge together a paltry 27.3 points on Thursday. Meanwhile, with no James Conner for Kevin, you will all be so very delighted to know two teams with a combined 9-3 record will showcase Kenyan Drake, Duke Johnson, and Chase Edmonds as starting running backs this Sunday in a crucial clash of two of the top teams in the league. Yup, that’s our league for you. My prediction? Kevin wins without accumulating more than 130 points.
In the second game, Trevor will turn the focus of his evil and sadistic powers of the dark arts onto Alex, who sits atop the league standings. Alex’s team should theoretically be markedly better with his return of Saquon and he probably already has his pants unzipped getting ready to watch him in action against the leaky Cardinals run defense. Alex’s only bye week player does come in the form of the number one receiver in fantasy, but other than that, his team appears to be looking formidable in comparison to Trevor. On the other side of the coin, Trevor is opting to start Russell Wilson over the rushing QB wonder boy, Lamar Jackson, which will be a development worthy of note, as he hopes Russell will continue his pace as the number one scoring player in all of fantasy. I’m not going to lie though, what does it really matter if Trevor is going to just continue to stay up late performing satanic fantasy rituals to curse his opposing teams? Yeah, not very much. My prediction? Trevor makes Alex the latest casualty of Madame Inconsistency and sits alone at number one in the standings by winning comfortably. Then we all collectively throw our phones off a bridge.
Awards:
Dominic Toretto Ballsiest Call of the Week – Kshak plays Diggs.
With our lone award recipient of the week, we tip our cap to Kevin’s ballsy late night lineup modification to trot out, what was to that point, a very bad Stefon Diggs in his Flex. As it was of course later reported, Kevin amazingly made the call in middle of the night, only hours before kickoff. While most fantasy decisions made at that hour frequently result in thorough disappointment, Diggs was able to erect the limp schlong that was Kevin’s team by delivering a rare 45.5-point thunderbolt of lightning, straight to the tip. Albeit, with Diggs being a high draft pick for Big Kev, at first glance this might not seem like such a gutsy call. However, the disgruntled star wideout who only broke 10 points once so far this season, mainly found himself on benches across the Fantasy landscape as a whole. But not for Kevin as he reaped the spoils of a 191.55-point effort en route to much needed victory. You can have any brew you want… as long as it’s a Corona.
Power Rankings:
Disclaimer – This week the Power Score formula was amended to be re-weighted to emphasize record as an even more important category of performance. Please be advised the new weight of each category is as follows: Record 45%, League Record 25%, Coach Performance 5%, Points For 15%, and Points Against 10%.
The Top Performers
1. AlexAshak 5-1; Power Score: 9.3
2. DWwarner 3-3; Power Score: 8.15
There’s no doubt the team sticking out like a sore thumb at number two is DW and his modest 3-3 record. To say the least, I was definitely disappointed my team didn’t jump into number two as I expected, but his dominant first 5 weeks was so strong the computers still favored DW so much that he remains at two in the rankings for another week. I mean, he does currently own the best League Record at 43-11, the most Points For, the most Points Against, and the second best Coach Performance. In spite of all this though, he still only has three wins to show for it, and is coming off his team’s first sign of regression of the season last week. Regardless of his strong Power Score, he drops all the way down to 5th in the standings and finds himself on the outside looking in at the playoff race. To add salt in the wound, evaluating the future prospects of his team, the staff can’t seem to find a whole lot of encouraging indicators that he can rebound from his double dose of wicked bad defeats in the “Point-nado” game and the “Double-Double with Cheese” game. What’s that? Terrible luck is the reason you don’t have a better record? I guess we’ll just have to take you at your word… number two.
As for Alex, he holds down the fort at number one once again… (*long sigh*) and honestly it pains me to be forced to commend him on an impressive second best League Record (38-16) and league best Coach Performance with just 79.8 points left on the board through 6 weeks. If your anything like me, it hurts just thinking about it. So if we all just close our eyes and visualize his whole team naked, it should start to make us feel a little bit better. Well, at least that’s what the guy at Best Buy told me would work… Moving on!
The Frisky but Flawed
3. Jressa 5-1; Power Score: 7.85
4. Kshak 4-2; Power Score: 7.15
5. Tspires 5-1; Power Score: 7.05
With a polar opposite view on Trevor’s team, the computers still haven’t warmed up to him even after notching an impressive victory over DW last week. I will continue to beat the dead horse that is the fact Trevor has been mediocre at best this season. As evidenced by his 5th best League Record (28-26) and dead last Coach Performance with an astronomical 208.55 points left on the bench, Trevor’s near perfect record persists to be even more and more baffling as the weeks go on. As we touched on earlier, he has a golden opportunity to scale the power rankings and league standings in a big time showdown with Alex this week, but for now I remind everyone that this is not a predictive model, but a statistical analysis of his performance thus far. Hence, he sticks to the number five slot for time being. I’m sure Trevor could give two shits what his Power Score is, but we all know the truth about his team, and that’s all that matters.
Me and Kevin at three and four respectively is nothing really too shocking, and as both our records stand we should be carrying a sanguine disposition about our 2019 fantasy team’s performance through 6 weeks. Yet, with the massive hole now going to be left in Kev’s lineup with the Mahommes injury, and my lack of waiver prowess to supplement my poor receiving corps, the second half of the season could spell doom for one or both of us. My third best League Record (35-19) and third most Points For (977.8) is a badge of honor I’ll wear proudly at this juncture as I am going to be required to attempt unconventional and crafty fantasy methods to find wins going forward. Additionally, Kevin too shares the same boat as me as he faces a difficult test in finding a replacement at QB for the near future. I just don’t know if either one of us up to the task. What I do know though, is that with Kevin’s 42 oversized suitcases of Taylor Swift memorabilia, we are definitely going to need a bigger boat.
The Teams in Concussion Protocol
6. Tborgs 2-4; Power Score: 5.2
7. HouseWeverstad 2-4; Power Score: 4.65
8. KartierKyle 2-4; Power Score: 3.8
9. DanielWest 2-4; Power Score: 3.75
Moving on down the rankings we have four teams bunched up at 2-4 and it’s hard to discern which one of them can come running out of the blue tent to shake off the cobwebs and start winning. Tyler has been the most consistent (to a degree), but is still finding ways to lose excruciatingly close games and we aren’t too hopeful he can buck the trend as he sports a less than stellar roster. It really is beyond explanation how he plays in so many close games. His point differential now drops to 9.4 points in the last 5 games he’s played and he is just 2-3 during that stretch and now faces the suddenly resurgent Daniel in Week 7.
Speaking of Daniel, he rides into this Week 7 face off with Tyler on the high of consecutive wins and searching for more. If he wins this week, that will be three in a row. They call that a winning streak… It has happened before. Can he do it though? That is the real question. For our weekly breakdown of Daniel’s troop of uninspiring fantasy players, we are joined again by the one and only, The Sideline Goddess, Erin Andrews. Erin, with your inside knowledge on Daniel’s team, do they stand a chance to take home the third win in successive weeks?
“No.”
As always, thank you again, Erin, for another deep dive of analysis on Daniel’s roster. Until next week, don’t you stop being so damn fine!
Lastly, rounding out the 2-4 teams, we come across Kyle and Grant, two managers who can’t seem to get out of their own way. It isn’t the least bit unforeseen that they both have failed to find any consistent success this season with how abhorrent and repulsive their drafts were. Kyle has no one else to blame but the man staring back at him in the mirror, as the staff has been more than critical of his well documented managerial gaffs. In his four losses Kyle has not eclipsed 137 points and his team has struggled mightily, lugging a miniscule 798.85 total points on the season, which is second worst in the league.
Unlike Kyle, poor Grant was straddled with is pathetic roster without any input in his team’s draft. Nonetheless, exactly like Kyle, he has done next to nothing at improving the chances of his team week in and week out and must bear the label of the number seven in the Power Rankings. Honor is definitely not won in a draft, but it sure as hell isn’t won by going 2-4.
The Shittiest Team
10. KamSmith 0-6; Power Score: 1.8
And then there’s Kam… Oh boy, where do we start? Kam’s season in a nut shell so far: winless record, worst League Record (8-45), least amount of Points For (719.2), 7th least amount of Points Against (862.3) and third to last in points left on the bench (154.5). Week after week he gets pulled deeper and deeper into an endless abyss of atrociousness, as his team continues to suffocate on a nice, long, veiny, throbbing cock of sheer fantasy incompetence. I’m sorry, but I call it how I see it. Is there any chance he can pull out some wins in the second half of the season? Probably not. So our suggestion is he better teach his team now how to relax their throats, or that gag reflex is going to be a real bitch.
Well, I think that will be all for this week. Me and my highly trained staff (of just me) thanks you again for spending a little time to rehash the previous week’s action with us, even if it meant subjecting yourself to some pretty unforgiving opinions on you all. If you don’t agree with the Power Rankings, well we don’t really give a shit. You are always welcome to do your own rankings and post it in the comment section. We can’t guarantee we will read it… Or even acknowledge it’s existence, but hey, the opportunity is there. Anyways, good luck and godspeed in Week 7, until next time… POW!
