Week 1
And just like that, my corner is gone. I can’t say it’s an easy pill to swallow. The moment you realize power rankings have been ripped out from under your nose like an unwanted mustache is emasculating to say the least. The true cost of laziness.
Legend has it, since the dawn of this great game, the fantasy gods have bestowed upon only a selected few, worthy individuals, to present to their league mates the most fabled and divine gift known to fantasy... Power Rankings. They’re namesake derived from the great myths of our past fantasy brethren which tell of an ancient power source they contain that can be embedded within the spirit of the league to create the ever elusive harmonic balance of camaraderie and shit talking. A simple league ranking system designed diametrically perfect by The Creators was left behind for those leagues lucky enough to grace a “chosen one” amongst its members to share its holy wisdom.
With this limitless and untapped source of power unlocked only by the noble messenger, a long, rock hard state of league-wide enlightenment is instantaneously thrust deep inside its members. Once each and every member is fully penetrated with its monstrous power, only then can they start to experience the mind numbing, core rattling, euphoria brought upon by the arousal of knowing it is unloading thick and creamy buckets of fantasy knowledge deep inside their loins, until they soak up every last drop. It’s powerful stuff gentlemen. To be chosen.... well let’s just say such an honor shall only be treated with the utmost respect and righteousness it commands. Uncle Ben said it best, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” I betrayed that sacred covenant and now I must pay the ultimate price of shame. I had the balls, nay, the mother fucking audacity to deprive my league mates of the warm gooey goodness of fantasy enlightenment that they craved so desperately from depth of their souls. It brings me much sorrow to admit, I am chosen no more. The fantasy gods do not take lightly my dereliction of duty and I forever shall bear the mark of complete and utter humiliation as I am dishonorably discharged from the divine distinction of “chosen one.” While the proverbial torch has been passed and our league can once again stand erect in glory with the emergence of a new chosen one, you know what I say to the Fantasy Gods? Not today. Fantasy season has finally arrived baby and I can’t hold back my whimsical takes, my crazy rants, and my hard-hitting insights any longer. So without further ado, it comes with great excitement to announce my newest weekly gimmick: The Emotional Friend’s Passionate Play Back. Basically a smorgasbords of all my greatest gimmicks like game of the week, team spotlight, and motivational speech all perfectly blended together to create a nourishing and refreshing treat for your eyes. And yes (*clears throat*) maybe a little dash of some power rankings action will be thrown in... you never know. New look, but same great taste. Lets get it on!
Legend has it, since the dawn of this great game, the fantasy gods have bestowed upon only a selected few, worthy individuals, to present to their league mates the most fabled and divine gift known to fantasy... Power Rankings. They’re namesake derived from the great myths of our past fantasy brethren which tell of an ancient power source they contain that can be embedded within the spirit of the league to create the ever elusive harmonic balance of camaraderie and shit talking. A simple league ranking system designed diametrically perfect by The Creators was left behind for those leagues lucky enough to grace a “chosen one” amongst its members to share its holy wisdom.
With this limitless and untapped source of power unlocked only by the noble messenger, a long, rock hard state of league-wide enlightenment is instantaneously thrust deep inside its members. Once each and every member is fully penetrated with its monstrous power, only then can they start to experience the mind numbing, core rattling, euphoria brought upon by the arousal of knowing it is unloading thick and creamy buckets of fantasy knowledge deep inside their loins, until they soak up every last drop. It’s powerful stuff gentlemen. To be chosen.... well let’s just say such an honor shall only be treated with the utmost respect and righteousness it commands. Uncle Ben said it best, “With great power, comes great responsibility.” I betrayed that sacred covenant and now I must pay the ultimate price of shame. I had the balls, nay, the mother fucking audacity to deprive my league mates of the warm gooey goodness of fantasy enlightenment that they craved so desperately from depth of their souls. It brings me much sorrow to admit, I am chosen no more. The fantasy gods do not take lightly my dereliction of duty and I forever shall bear the mark of complete and utter humiliation as I am dishonorably discharged from the divine distinction of “chosen one.” While the proverbial torch has been passed and our league can once again stand erect in glory with the emergence of a new chosen one, you know what I say to the Fantasy Gods? Not today. Fantasy season has finally arrived baby and I can’t hold back my whimsical takes, my crazy rants, and my hard-hitting insights any longer. So without further ado, it comes with great excitement to announce my newest weekly gimmick: The Emotional Friend’s Passionate Play Back. Basically a smorgasbords of all my greatest gimmicks like game of the week, team spotlight, and motivational speech all perfectly blended together to create a nourishing and refreshing treat for your eyes. And yes (*clears throat*) maybe a little dash of some power rankings action will be thrown in... you never know. New look, but same great taste. Lets get it on!
Passionate Playback: Week 1
I ask it every year. How did it feel? Every year we wait and we wait for through the treacherous summer heat praying for an expedient arrival of fantasy. When that first crack of sunlight breaks over the horizon on that first Football Sunday morning, we awake giddier than Kevin at Taylor Swift concert. Yet, even though Big Kev’s still feeling 22, for some of us sadly everything will not be alright. How quickly the hopes for a promising season can dissipate. I only say it again, because it bears repeating. Fantasy football is a cold, cruel, heartless bitch that will rip out your heart while thunder punching your season in the balls. After only a week of play, for some of us (I’m looking at you Jared) the castration process of their pathetic teams has already begun. It’s a sad but true reality that we all can’t be winners. But you know what I’m proud to say, regardless of the fact we have multiple members who are repeat offenders of abysmal drafting, and several managers completely inept at compiling a competitive roster, we have a league 10 strong that are willing to give their all week in and week out. For that, I salute you. And I am glad to usher in a new season full of excitement and heartache, of pain and pure joy. It’s fantasy football people and it’s back! I’ve already lined up a few rails of it for y’all so take a quick sniff, pump the speakers up, toss your head back and start bobbing, as the prophetic words of T Sizzle rain down upon you. ALL TOGETHER NOW! “Don’t blame me. Fantasy make me crazy. If it doesn’t you ain’t playin’ it right. Ohhh Lord save me. Fantasy is my baby, and I’ll be playin’ for the rest of my life!”
Awards:
Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks Game of the Week – Trayna Hopkins Yo Girls DM vs. Team DWwarner How can it not be DW’s and Kevin’s epic week 1 clash?
This one really was a game for the fantasy history books. A topsy-turvy affair that swung these two managers through a gauntlet of emotions so intense they’ll be waking up in cold sweats yelling “Mama Please!” for weeks. At multiple points on Sunday it felt like the projected winning team switched. Kevin seemingly in control early in the morning after a strong showing by Patty Mahomes, and then a 40 freakin’ pointer by Ekeler and a cool 26 from Keenan Allen to boot, put DW back in the driver’s seat after the afternoon games. When you toss in the late game heroics of the legend, a one Mr. Larry Fitzgerald, we had ourselves a recipe for a magical Monday night. Holy shit did it deliver! Points were being thrown up on the board throughout the game faster than greased lightning. At the 2-minute warning with the Saints all but wrapped up the win, I‘m man enough to admit I thought Kevin was toast. To be trailing by roughly 10 points with the game all but sealed? Over. Then Lutz and Hopkins said “Naww Bitch!” and by some ungodly miracle he pulls two field goals and a long reception out of his ass in the final minute of the game… Mind Bottling. He pulled off one of the rarest feats known fantasy. They call it the ole’ double double with cheese. A last second field goal that delivers the kicker’s team a one point win and a fantasy team a one point win. I want to know how many times in the history of fantasy football this has happened. Let’s leave it at not very much. This is all not to mentions these were the top two scoring teams of the week. To put this game in perspective, not once last year did a team lose scoring 170 or more. DW just put up 180 and still lost. I feel shocked.
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Dumbest Call of the Week – It’s Always Sony in New England benching Sammy Watkins
Our second worst team of the week, throwing up a paltry 117, had the number one scoring receiver in Fantasy just chilling on the bench. I wouldn’t necessarily call that ideal. It’s hard to be critical of Tyler, though. It’s been a pretty sweet fantasy run starting with last year’s playoffs when he took home the league’s title, all culminating with his anointment by The Creators as the “chosen one” for power rankings. But, at some point we all have to crash down to Earth, and this folks was a doozy. A simple switch out of either one of his flex spots with Sammy Boy would have earned him the ‘W’ (Side note: can you imagine if he played Sammy instead of Coleman? Two teams would have squeaked out a last second, 1-point victory on Monday night in just the first week of play… Aaaand I just came), but it was not meant to be. Instead you know where he goes now? I’ll tell you. Someplace warm. Someplace where the shit flows like wine. Where obese women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called the league cellar. Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Dumbest Call of the Week Honorable Mention – House Weaverstad for the draft I couldn’t let Jared slide without making fun of his horrendously drafted team for week 1. I seem to recall him being quite pleased with his team on draft day, but sweet Jesus were they terrible. Here’s a little fun fact: 6 of his 10 starters failed to score more than 7 points including his QB, RB2, WR1 and WR2, his TE and his K. Further, not one player on his team reached 15 points and his highest scoring position was his defense at 14 points. This really was a true exhibition in atrocious drafting. He accomplished another feat that was not achieved all of last year, score less than 80. Man, you are one pathetic loser!
Dominic Toretto Ballsiest Call of the Week – Leave Antonio Alone playing John Brown
Oh, Johnny! This was a ballsy one for sure. Alex coming out the gates riding Smokey Brown in the flex, to most sane fantasy folks, not a smart call. Nonetheless, Alex was holding two middle fingers up at all the haters by the time the Sunday evening rolled around as his team coasted to an easy victory. No small thanks to the former Cardinal’s 25-point effort, which was easily quite the surprise after he went undrafted in our league. Not many managers would share that same level of testicular fortitude *golf claps*. You’ve got balls man. I’ve been told.
Well, that’s going to do it for me and my highly trained staff (of one) for this week’s recap. We all couldn’t be happier with such an exciting slate of games in just the first week and what that hopefully means to for the weeks to come. Until next week we say, Sayonara. Up next, we have the Japanese Fighting Fish World Championship Cook Off, but first a word from our sponsors and…
INSPIRATIONAL SPEEEECHHH!!!! This one goes out to the whole league. Enjoy.
Inspirational Speech:
“See those little yellow W’s next to players names? That is called the waiver wire. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about the waiver wire. The players aren’t gonna pick up themselves! Okay? Without you they’re just a worthless hunk of fantasy points. Like a loaded M16 without a trained Marine to pull the trigger. And in the case of the waiver wire, it’s up to each and every one of you, my highly (questionable) trained league members, to not let Marquis Brown rack up 30 plus points as a free agent! My fucking league members, my fellow fantasy-ites, who’ll not put down the sleeper app spending FAAB dollars, until they either buy or fucking die!
Let me tell you something. There is no nobility in frugality. I’ve been a manager who makes moves, and I’ve been a manager who stands pat. And I choose making moves every fucking time. Cause, At least as someone making roster moves, when I have an injury problem, I show up to the playoffs with an undrafted rookie receiver scoring 20... and a 40 fuckin’ point game from a 3rd string running back!
Now, if anyone here thinks you should just blindly trust your drafted players and be careful with your FAAB dollars... Go join a fucking league without a buy in and play for “fun” , because that’s where you fucking belong!
But, before you depart from reading this speech, I want you to take a good look at your next matchup, go on. Because sometime in the not-so-distant future, you’re pullin’ up a seat to a Monday night football game rolling out a beat-up old fucking Aaron Rodgers, and that person’s gonna pull up right alongside you with a brand new waiver wire receiver ready to drop a buck twenty and two scores, with Lamar Jackson already having put up a 50 burger on Sunday. And who will you have? Some washed up QB throwing out pick sixes like candy, crammed on your roster next to your bum ass RBs with a carload of other terrible picks from the fucking draft! That’s who you’re gonna be playing.
So, you listen to me and you listen well. Are you behind in the standings? Good. Pick up the sleeper app and head to the waivers. Is your WR1 injured? Good. Pick up the app and head to the waivers. Is your quarterback a fucking loser? Good. Pick up the damn sleeper app and head to the waivers! I want you to deal with your problems, by spending FAAB dollars! All you have to do today …is get on that app, and spend those dollars like I have taught you. And I’ll make you the most powerful and winningest league manager in the United States of fucking America. I want you to go out there, and I want you to ram new players down your roster’s throat. Till it fucking chokes on it, till it chokes on it, but wins every fucking game! That’s what I want you to do. You’ll be ferocious! You’ll be relentless! You’ll be waiver wire fucking terrorists! Now, let’s knock this Motherfucker out of the park!”
