Week 1
Passionate Playback: Week 1
WHAAAAAZZZZZZUP!!!!!
That’s right you Fantasy Football degenerates and unabashed Swifties! Football finally made a most triumphant return and goddamn did it feel good! If you were anything like me, waking up last Sunday and hearing the sweet, sweet voice of Chris Hanson once again manning the Red Zone channel left me with a feeling that could only be described as akin to what it must have felt like for those who witnessed the moon landing in person. After what was seemingly the longest off season in history, somehow, someway we’ve traversed the treacherous 2020 and arrived safely for another installment of Fantasy Football. So, without further ado, it is my pleasure to welcome you on in for brand spanking new Passionate Playback for Week 1. My highly trained staff (of just me) has been working around the clock to deliver you those crazy rants, nonsensical takes, and offensive metaphors that you’ve all come to know and love so much. It goes without saying, we are cocked, locked, and ready to rock! So, to start the season off strong, we’ve conjured up an especially scrumptious and mouthwatering edition, sent straight to the tip of my long hard shaft of wisdom, ready to spew out in a geyser-like eruption of knowledge all over my eager league mates. I do it all for your reading pleasures. So get ready... because it’s-a-comin’!
Anyway, with all the excitement and build up we had leading up to the new season, Week 1 flew right by us faster than Jared devouring a Nacho Supreme with extra jalapeños. As per usual, five of us had to temper the excitement quickly, as the cold and calculating nature of Fantasy meant we received vicious donkey punches to our teams' outlooks with Week 1 defeats (yours included). It’s the harsh nature of the sport we play and the reality that we must accept. However, it’s only Week 1 and thus, there is still reason for optimism. So, to all my fellow Week 1 losers out there, I think you already know what needs to be done... Go find your nearest open field of tall grass, slowly walk as you wave your hands delicately through the beautiful amber grain, and stare off into the wondrous blue sky, pondering those waiver additions while T Sizzle lays down the heavenly lyrics. Week 2 is right around the corner and it’s time to dial it in!
♪ ♬ ♫ ♪
Keep your draft picks, keep your team, son
Just a bad game, who’s on waivers?
Crawling down the standings now
"Schefter says he's sitting out"
And some things you just can't figure out
With you I play, with you I fall down, down
Watch us losin’, watch us losin’ out, out
Dumb ass defense, did not cover
His receiver, scores another
Touchdown, and your losing now
"Damn, I think it’s a blow out"
And some things you just can't figure out
Only twenty FAAB isn’t steep
But you dream of some epiphany
Just one single glimpse of relief
To make some sense of what you've seen
♪ ♬ ♫ ♪
Headlines:
2020 bites last year’s top teams in the ass Week 1; Kevin, Alex, Justin all lose
Welp, while Big Kev was riding high coming off his championship, and me and Alex were feeling good after finishing one and two in the standings last year, it wasn’t exactly the start we were hoping for. You hate to see it. All three of us failed to break 143 points in our defeats and ate huge helpings of dog shit as many of our top draft picks were very underwhelming with their play. While Alex did get serviceable outings from his RBs, his WRs and TE were a major problem as he did not have a single player from those two positions score more than 12.3 points and they averaged a minuscule 10.2 points per player. Yup, definitely not ideal. But hey, it’s still early.
Shifting to Kevin, he seemed golden with his top two picks performing valiantly, tallying a grand total of 60.6 points between Julio and Josh Jacobs. The rest of his roster though? Not so much. It’s still very early and I don’t know if overreacting is prudent quite yet for the big fella, but having 80% of his starting lineup average a pedestrian 10 points definitely isn’t the recipe for defending his crown. Therefore, he is going to have to make some hard decisions much earlier than I’m sure he anticipated if he is going to get back on track in Week 2 and beyond. The staff wasn’t necessarily optimistic for him this year based on his draft, so we’re going to leave this one in the “long shot” category until he proves otherwise.
As for yours truly, I took probably the biggest brunt of the damage this week only managing an extremely dismal 131 points, good for dead fucking worst in the league. To add insult to injury, I faced the second lowest scoring team in the league (looking at you Jared!). It’s definitely a troubling sign that my matchup luck from a year before has carried over, but I couldn’t capitalize. I don’t need to break down the stats on this one, other than to say my team flat out sucked giant horse cock. And now I head to Week 2 scared and all alone, sitting at the bottom of the cellar of the league standings... It rubs the lotions on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.
Grant and Daniel’s redemption tours start out promising as they are top scoring teams of Week 1
For how bad me, Alex, and Kevin we’re in Week 1, Grant and Daniel were polar opposites in how good their teams looked. After they were two of the worst teams in the league a year ago, both came out the gates firing on all cylinders, to the tune of 170.8 points and 182.1 points, respectively. You have to believe this was a major statement game from Grant, getting his first opportunity to manage a team from the draft on, and playing the league commish in the first week of play. Goddamn did he show he was up to the task too, by laying it on the reigning league runner up and taking down Alex handily. I’m 95% positive Grant had to make a few mid Sunday shorts swaps after jizzing them multiple times watching Lil Kyler weave through the vaunted San Fran D while Alvin turned back the clock to 2018 with his usage in the Saints offense. One week in and Grant seems primed for a great season, notwithstanding the copious amounts of laundry he’s now forced to do. Fun Fact: only 4 teams last year cracked 170 points in Week 1. Me, Alex, Kevin, and DW. That would be the two teams who were in the championship game (Alex and Kevin), the team who finished first in the standings (Moi), and the top scoring team in the league (DW). I’m not saying... I’m just saying.
Turning to Daniel and perennial punching bag of the staff for his constant losing in years past, he proudly unzipped his pants, whipped out his schlong, and dick slapped the entire league in the face with a whopping 182.1 points in Week 1. After being abysmal for most of last season, he quietly turned it on in the final few weeks of 2019 and miraculously has carried over that momentum into 2020. Not only was he the lone team to drop over 180 points, but he did so rocking two rookie RBs in his starting lineup and sporting the two TE method I personally popularized a year ago (yes, I’m taking credit). We have to throw out the obligatory “it’s still early”, but with good ole’ C Mac anchoring his RB1 slot and the double trouble TEs of Kelce and Andrews, he has the makings of a truly formidable team this season. What’s that? Hold on... We’re getting word that Erin Andrews, the epitome of hotness and world class reporter, is joining us again this season for the inside scoop on Daniel’s team. Erin, after this great start to Daniel’s season, how is his team feeling about Week 2?
“Good.”
Oh wow, again with the next level insight that only the best reporter in the business, Erin Andrews, can provide. Thanks Erin, until next time, keep those bodacious Bahama-Mammas looking as juicy as ever!
Awards:
Dominic Toretto Ballsiest Call of the Week - DanielWest playing Antonio Gibson and Jonathon Taylor
In the fantasy handbook “How To Win A Championship for Dummies” right up there at the top of things you don’t do are play rookie RBs in Week 1 who had no off season and were listed near the bottom of the depth chart. Daniel said fuck it and rolled out, not one, but TWO of the them en route to his big Week 1 victory. Admittedly, Gibson and Taylor weren’t the driving force behind his win, but the staff was generous this week due to the long layoff and we had to hand it to the kid for the giant pair of balls (and borderline stupidity) needed to make that decision. Maybe a tad reckless, but it is only stupid if doesn’t work out, so congrats on the award my friend. A real driver knows exactly what’s in his car.
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week - KartierKyle defeats Kshak 145.15 - 140.7
What is it about Week 1 that seemingly always treats us to magnificent Monday Night comebacks? Well, to be honest, labeling it as magnificent might be too high of praise as both teams were in the bottom tier of points (neither could eclipse the 150 point mark), and this was no "Double-Double with Cheese Game" from last year's Week 1. Nevertheless, the staff was thoroughly impressed by the excitement it garnered being a back and forth affair and not being decided until the waning minutes of the final Monday Nighter. But let's be honest, the real cherry on top for us was the fact there was an added level of magnitude this game carried due to both Kev and Kyle's many exchanges of "pleasantries" from last year to this new season, cultivating one of our league's most bitter rivalries. In the early goings, Kyle could only watch as Julio and Jacobs were throwing points on the board faster than T Swift shutting down Kev's back up dancing dreams. Still, Kyle took the early lead with a flurry of garbage time points by Thielen to end the morning games. With most of Kevin's roster set to go off in the afternoon, he couldn't break away as Brees, Keenan Allen, and Hunter Henry left the door wide open for Kyle to steal a win. Going into Monday night and trailing by 8, things were looking good for Kyle with two of his horses (Derrick Henry and AJ Brown) ready roll. Kevin got a clutch 14 from the Steelers to give him a little bit of cushion, but most of us probably didn't think it was going to be enough to save him. Then all of the sudden Corey Davis kept catching passes in lieu of Brown and Henry kept getting stuffed at the line. Could Kevin actually hang on? Would that 2019 magic return for him in the first week of 2020? Henry just kept getting those carries though, and Kyle just kept chipping away at the lead like the little engine that could. Finally, with just a few minutes to go in the game, Henry and Brown delivered the go ahead points that gave Kyle his anxiety filled victory over the reigning champion. I speak for all of us when I say a smile of joy ran across our faces thinking of the anguish Kevin must have felt watching his lead slowly dwindle away into the night (No? Just me? okay...). Well, all that said, we couldn't have asked for much more from a Week 1 game and both managers delivered with the animosity on the message boards once again to only add fuel to the rivalry. It's the kind of stuff that reminds us all why we love the game of Fantasy so much. Usually you have to pay double for that kind of action, Cotton!
Bettor’s Corner: Week 2
We typically don't learn a whole lot of anything after only a week of play, so it will be tough to really feel confident with some picks here. That said, we definitely wanted throw out a few of our favorite bets this week. As always, feel free to play along at home.
DanielWest vs. Tspires
Odds:
Daniel (-110)
Trevor (+150)
My Pick: Daniel
My Take: I think by now you all can figure out that the staff is a really big fan of what Mr. Daniel’s done to start the season. We haven’t touched on Trevor though, and honestly, we think he is still largely an unknown in terms of his long-term viability for the playoffs. He did score the third most points of Week 1 on the back of Davante Adam’s huge day to dismantle DW, but we were not convinced the rest of his roster will hold their end of the bargain going forward. For this matchup specifically that may not matter and what we do know is Trevor has history on his side, as he has been a mainstay of the playoffs for many years. Unfortunately we can’t say the same thing about Daniel. That said, much of Trevor’s success has been driven by the ineptitude of his opponents and outright matchup luck, leading to very little points scored against him, and that trend looks to be continuing into 2020. Basically, it comes down to if you think Daniel actually has a good team for once. Maybe I’m just crazy, or maybe it’s because I just re-watched the Karate Kid and binge watched all of Cobra Kai, but my money is on Daniel-San crane kicking Trevor for the win!
Tborgs vs. jweverstad
Odds:
Tborgs (-225)
jweverstad (+375)
My pick: Tyler
My Take: I am continuing the theme of going with favorites in Week 2 as I have faith Tyler has now secured a top QB in Matty Ice (you’re welcome) to hold down the position for him. After he ran into the buzz saw that is Daniel-San’s suddenly potent roster in Week 1, he seemingly gets a little bit of reprieve going against Jared in Week 2. Even though Jared only managed 139.1 points in the first week of the season, the roster pieces for success were there in our opinion until the disheartening news that his top pick will miss extended time. It is fantasy, so it would be kind of fitting for Jared to go off for 200 plus points without Michael Thomas. Still, the smart bet is on Tyler to easily handle the Thomas-less Jared squad. Encouragement! Boom!
Will Kevin score more than 140 points this week?
Odds:
Over (-200)
Under (+400)
My pick: Under
My take: Not to keep beating the man while he is down, but I made a promise (to who though?) this season I wasn't going to hold anything back with the criticism and a man’s gotta’ live be a code dammit! Anyway, it’s no secret I am super down on our former champion's team this year as he drafted three players I wouldn't have touched with a ten foot pole (Leveon, Odell, and TY) to man the heart of his roster. The early results were about what I expected, and I am very concerned we are going to be getting a lot more sub-par performances from Kev going forward. Hence, I jumped all over the under for his team this week and I’m especially loving the odds. I’ll throw down a couple hundo on this one… who is with me?
Well, that’ll do it for this week. Thanks everyone for joining me for another exciting edition of the Passionate Playback. Here’s to another great week of Fantasy, and as always, good luck and god speed. Peace out bitches!
