Week 9
Passionate Playback: Week 9
Well, well, well, look who we have here. Again, another week is in the books, and again, I just keep showing up like an unwanted boner in English class. That’s right you sons of bitches, it is I, your resident Swifty consigliere and unabashed commenter on all things Emotional Friends, back at it again and cooking up some potent takes so chemically pure it would make Walter White jealous. So, as we embark into Week 10, make sure your seats and tray tables are in their upright and locked positions, because we just popped on the fasten seatbelt sign, and we’re heading straight for a bumpy final four weeks of play. Don’t worry though, as captain of this flight, I will successfully steer us through the infinite expanse of betraying fantasy performances and deceitful stats to help your walnut sized brains make sense of a wild season of Fantasy thus far. To all our league members eliminated from contention this year, take some comfort in the fact that your incompetence in managing a Fantasy roster can no longer incite the same level of anger and grief as earlier in the season because, let’s face it, it just doesn’t matter anymore. The worst of it has come and gone, so don’t be afraid toss back a few edibles, throw the noise cancelling headphones over your ears, lean back on your travel pillow, and let the bittersweet lyrics of T Siz serenade you into a deep slumber for the rest of the season. Week 10 here we come!
♬ ♫ ♩ ♪ ♬ ♪
I remember when your team sucked, the first time
Saying this is it, you’ve had enough ‘cause like
You hadn’t seen a win in ‘bout a month
When you, said you, needed Saints (what?)
Then you come around again and say,
Waivers,
Are all I need, I swear I'm gonna win, trust me
Remember how that lasted for a week?
I say, you suck, more waivers, you losing,
I love it
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Your calls were off again last week
So ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
This time, I'm telling you, I'm telling you
You are never ever, ever getting in the playoffs
You are never ever, ever getting in the playoffs
You go drop you’re tight end, pick my Tight End, dropped by me
But you are never ever, ever, ever getting in the playoffs
Like... ever”
♬ ♫ ♩ ♪ ♬ ♪
Headlines:
All Three 4-4 teams caught out with Ferris Bueller; fail to show up in Week 9 losses
In a stunning turn of events, just when it seemed like Tyler, DW, or... (*coughs*) Kyle might be primed to overtake Trevor or Big Kev in the standings; all three of them went out last week and laid an egg the size of the Statue of Liberty. The most indefensible manager of the grouping is probably DW, who was gifted a matchup with the hapless squad of Kam, yet still only produced a miserable 108.15 points in a debilitating loss to the leagues shittiest team. Kyle, going against the number one team in the power rankings and league standings, appeared to be a long shot to capture a ‘W’ last week. Nevertheless, Alex’s underachieving crew left the window cracked for Kyle to sneak in and steal a win in the low scoring affair. To no one’s surprise, he couldn’t quell the managerial blunders once again, en route to a crucial loss that might leave his team reeling into the oblivion of Fantasy irrelevance. Lastly, Tyler just got the straight shit kicked out of him by the sudden resurrection of the seemingly lifeless team deployed by Grant last week, and even if he had a good week, it probably would have been for not. Ultimately, for DW and Tyler, with so much on the line, unclutch performances like this have to be immensely disappointing for them (and awesome for us!). Both teams, sporting the most and fourth most amounts of points scored on the season, are now both under .500 with serious concerns about their playoff hopes going forward. You know, in Fantasy, there are good weeks, and there are bad weeks. For DW and Tyler, last week was a bad week.
Do you believe in miracles!? Yes!! Kam defeats DW 141.35 - 108.15
And just like that, we have a winless team no more. Still knee deep in the league’s shittiest team debate, Kam can at least breathe a slight sigh of relief knowing he will not go totally defeated after ending his eight game skid in Week 9. Strictly playing for pride at this point, it was a pleasure last weekend checking the fantasy scoreboard and watching DW’s team flounder while Mr. Kam’s team was miraculously winning. He showed some real fight in his first victory of the season, even if it wasn’t a particularly special one, as he took advantage of a piss poor outing by DW while throwing up a slightly decent 141.35. As they say though, “A win is a win is a win.” So now, with Daniel losing again too, the shittiest team race gets a nice juicy shot of excitement right in the ass going into the last quarter of the year, as Kam and Daniel fight for the dreaded spot in the basement of our leagues standings come season’s end. Unfortunately, only one of them can rise from the never-ending landfill of Fantasy failure, covered in shit, to prevail victorious in a battle for complete and utter ineptitude to claim the belt as “worst team”. With such worthy competitors though, I have to say, your both winners in our book.
Awards:
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week - DWwarner losing to KamSmith
About as massive of a slam dunk as there is in the award biz, slapping DW with the biggest disappointment award in Week 9 after his loss to Kam is almost too cliché. I know I’ve harped on this matchup quite a bit so far, but I can’t help it. Eight of DW’s starters failed to crack 15 points, including five with less than 10 points. Even better, he actually managed to do this on the same week he entered into a pivotal matchup against a winless team and holding a gorgeous opportunity to leap frog Kevin into the number four spot in the standings. This, my friends, is the embodiment of the definition for disappointing and hence the award goes to DW as he continues to get repeatedly dogged by misfortune. Hey, did you reinforce the take off ramp? No… We didn’t have time.
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call of the Week - KartierKyle benches Miles Sanders
No strangers to doling out the heavy handed criticism to Kyle, the staff was again left in disbelief and bewilderment with the dumbfounding decision making by the embattled Fantasy manager. After making a splash on the trade front with a swap for the Philly RB in the hopes of bolstering his lineup going into the final stretch of the season, it arguably made sense. There was some concern Sanders wasn’t going to suit up, but even after getting cleared to play, Kyle thought it was more prudent to trot out the very proven and reliable fantasy commodity Royce Freeman in his place. I don’t need to tell you how that worked out. Now, Alex definitely had some players on the pine go off, but if all else were to hold and Kyle just started the very player he so vehemently defended acquiring on the damn message boards, he squeaks out a victory against the number one team. I struggle to find any explanation for many of Kyle’s decisions this year and this one ranks right up there. DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU’VE DONE!?
Power Rankings:
The Locks
1. AlexAshak 8-1; Power Score: 8.8
For the fifth consecutive week Alex arrives in at the top spot of the power rankings on the back of an extremely impressive season up to the three quarters point. Now with five consecutive victories as well, he essentially seals up a spot in the playoffs while holding about as good of a chance as anyone to win a title this year. His RB duo of Saquon and Dalvin might be the most formidable one-two punch we have in the league and they have, for the most part, led the attack for Alex on his way to an 8-1 start with the second best League Record (56-25) and second best Coach Performance (128.7 points left off the board) through nine games. If he can get past the pitiful team that is Daniel and his merry band of misfit Fantasy players, he will enter into a show down with moi at 9-1, which could very well be a league championship preview. Let’s be real though, it’s probably going to be like, Kyle and Trevor in championship knowing our league. Yup, that sounds about right.
2. jressa 8-1; Power score: 8.35
Well here I am at number two, after seven straight victories, and each week I continue to count my lucky stars that my unconventional team keeps rolling right along. There’s, without doubt, been quite a few bumps in the road for my squad, but I was lucky enough to handle each one by escaping with a win, and at 8-1, yours truly can finally feel a little bit more comfortable that the playoffs are going to be in the cards again this year. After finishing 1st in the regular season standings last year (due to the points scored tie breaker), getting ousted in the first round was a tough pill to swallow. Much like last year, hitting homeruns on my first two picks of the draft (McCaffrey and Chubb) has carried me to the second most Points For (1425.6) and third best league record (52-29). So, hopefully this year, my luck in the playoffs can be flipped upside down. All in all, I have to say I’m feeling good that, even with the outright lucky matchups I’ve had, the numbers back up that my team still warrants serious consideration as a candidate to make a title run. On top of that, if my luck can continue through to the season’s end, there’s no reason I can’t take the crown this year. However, I’m not ready to get ahead of myself quite yet, as there is a lot of Fantasy left to play. So it’s one game at a time. We’re on to Kam…
The Playoff Hopefuls
3. DWwarner 4-5; Power Score: 8.2
Amazingly, even after DW’s terrible Week 8, he somehow improved on his power score. A flaw in the system perhaps, but a deep dive shows, with how impressive his first seven weeks were, regardless of his record, it played a major role in the computers’ love for Mr. DW as he slides in at number three. In a remarkable (and ridiculous) feat of Fantasy performance, DW maintains the number one spot in every category of the power rankings formula except for actual record. That’s not a misprint. He has the most Points For (1473.4), the best League Record (58-23), the best Coach Performance (110.35 points left off the board), and most Points Against (1425.95). All this adds up to being the number three team in power rankings… which means absolutely nothing. At the end of the day DW still finds himself excluded to hang with us managers in the “Playoff Teams Only” lounge, and in order to get in, he is going to have to accumulate wins and fast or he could contract an intense case of FOMO as he is denied access to our very exclusive club. Sorry, but we can’t just let anyone in, it’s the exclusivity that makes us so damn cool.
4. Kshak 5-4; Power Score: 6.65
Moving down the line to number four, we find Big Kev and his darkhorse Fantasy gang. Even after the trouncing he suffered at the hands of Trevor in a very big matchup, he was bailed out by the fact all three 4-4 teams lost and he still possesses the final playoff spot by a 1-game margin. Kevin should certainly feel dissatisfied with his 5-4 record to date, as he still very much remains on the bubble and any sort of stumble to the finish could mean no playoffs for him this year. Luckily, old reliable, Patty Mahomes, may be able to return for the last few weeks of the Fantasy season and the playoffs. Therefore, should Kevin be able to hold down his current place in the standings, it would make him a markedly more equipped team to make a run if he can get Mahomes at full strength doing Mahomes things again. Still, he has work to do to be able to get into the playoffs, and it starts with improving on his sixth most Points For (1346.25) and fifth ranked Coach Performance (195.5 points left off on the bench). Can Kevin get the job done? I’m not necessarily betting against it, but knowing him, Vegas probably has him at +200 to get in. Yeah, I agree. It’s probably best stay farther away on that bet than Kevin’s state mandated 200 yards he is now required to stay away from Taylor Swift. That reminds us, don’t ask Kev why, it’s still kind of a touchy subject.
5. tborgs 4-5; Power Score: 6.15
Coming in at number five is Tyler, and, with how impressive his Week 8 was, it was equally as terrible in Week 9 of the season in a brutal loss to the now 3-6 Grant. The theme of his season this year has been inconsistency, even after he’s arguably been the most successful manager in acquiring quality players via trade and waivers this season. His squad, now fortified with the likes of a top 10 receiver with his acquisition of DJ Chark, looks as if it will be strong enough to carry him into the top four come the conclusion of the year. However, the plethora of roster talent he owns means he is going to be tested with his ability to make the correct lineup choices these last four weeks. So far Tyler has not answered the bell as he is currently second to last in Coach Performance with a whopping 237.8 points left sitting on the bench this season. The reigning league champion is still flirting with mediocrity on his mission to repeat, and he is running out of time to make a move if he plans on replicating his late season run from just a year ago.
6. Tspires 6-3; Power Score: 6.0
Probably the most disrespected team of the year so far by both the computers and the staff, is Trevor, as he wheels in his lofty 6-3 mark to number six in line of this week’s power rankings. I’ve been fairly quiet so far on his wildly impressive Week 9 victory over Kevin, that was a huge statement to the league that we must take his team seriously as a very legitimate playoff threat. Going into a season defining match up against Kevin and holding a prime opportunity to create some breathing room between him and the teams chasing him down in the standings, he stepped up in a big way by racking up 197.1 points, good for the highest tally of the week. Now, with only four games left, he has a two game lead over DW, Tyler, and Kyle going into his matchup with a possibly surging Grant. It was a vitally important win and a fantastic showing of Fantasy brilliance, so you sir shall be spared by our criticism this week. Just so we’re clear though, we still of course reserve the right to change our tune in future weeks. Just Saying.
7. KartierKyle 4-5; PowerScore: 4.25
The last of the playoff hopefuls, we have Mr. Kyle returning again to us in the seven hole in the rankings. His season, a lot like Tyler, has been marred by inconsistent efforts each week. That being said, as the numbers will bear, we believe a large portion of luck was involved in many of his wins to even get him to the 4-5 mark at this stage. His third worst League Record (26-55) and Points For (1172.95) is not exactly the stuff of a 4-5 team. The Fantasy Gods even gave him a little shimmer of hope last week for Kyle to just punt it right away with more asinine decision making like we have grown accustomed to him doing. If your Kyle, your going to make terrible decisions in Fantasy. It’s what you do.
The Consolation Teams
8. HouseWeverstad 3-6; PowerScore: 4.2
Kind of coming out of nowhere with a 192.85 point explosion in Week 9 is the number eight team and interim manager Grant. Listen, his seventh worst League Record (35-46) and seventh worst Points For (1221.6) have lead him to dreadful results this year. We definitely get it. Yet, after being an afterthought for most of the year he came up big in Week 9 to play spoiler to Tyler and will attempt to do the same this week to Trevor. The staff definitely admired the fight he is showing to the finish and may be the bad team that no one wants to play coming down the stretch. Maybe we should give him a new nick name? How about, The Spoiler Man? or better yet, Spoils McGee? On second thought, we’ll have to get back to you on that one.
9. DanielWest 2-7; Power Score: 2.65
As we go down the rankings and land at number nine, the staff (of just me) finds it very difficult to come up with new ways to describe the total and complete annihilation Daniel is experiencing this year. Last week he again paced all shitty teams with the lowest scoring output of the week and now faces the 8-1 Alex in Week 10. Once more, joining us as we look ahead at his matchup, is the elegant and beautiful Erin Andrews for the inside scoop. Erin what can Daniel do to get back on track in Week 10?
“Nothing.”
Wow, great stuff, Erin. You’ve been a wealth of knowledge this year on Daniel’s team and the staff couldn’t be more thankful for you to join us again this week. Now don’t go breaking our hearts you sexy thang you!
10. KamSmith 1-8; Power Score: 1.5
Finishing up, in his now usual spot at dead last in the rankings, Kam can actually celebrate a victory this week. So in the interest of not piling on why his team sucks so bad with some really just god awful statistics on him, we’ll let him enjoy the week and end the analysis right here. Oh, but we did want to share a helpful link for Kam come season’s end: https://www.trophydepot.com/Trophies/ I was thinking if you could do like a Taylor Swift themed trophy that would be cool. I don’t know, I’m just spit balling. But I’m sure you’ll think of something good.
Anyhow, that will do it for us this week. Thanks again for retracing through a fun Week 9 of play (for some of us). It’s going to start to get really interesting after this week as we could very well eliminate another team or two in the hunt for the final few playoff spots. Or, nothing could change like last week. I guess that’s just the beauty of our league. Until next week, good luck and god speed! Over and out!
