Week 6
Passionate Playback: Week 6
Oh… hello there you fellow Fantasy Footballers and shameless Swifty groupies. I almost didn’t see you there. You’ve caught me indulging in a meditative trance while peacefully tending to my artfully crafted therapeutic sensory garden. It’s kind of a passion project of mine really. Me and the staff have of a bit of a green thumb. It’s boring… but it’s part of our life. Anyway, we kindly welcome you on in, friend, for another delightful edition of the Passionate Playback. While me and the staff spent most of our one week hiatus mourning the short lived Fantasy Life of our star QB, Dak Prescott (long live his name!), we began to ponder the deeper meanings of this crazy game called Fantasy. The existential crisis that yours truly was subjugated to by venturing into the dark recesses of our fragile Fantasy Psyche on a quest to illuminate an acceptable explanation to the endlessly complex question of, “Why me?” has taken it’s toll. As we put to rest the first half of the season, many of you find yourself in the same unenviable position I find myself in as well, and unfortunately, we don’t really have any answers for you. This season our league has conspicuously morphed into a precise model of modern sociological critical conflict theory with “the haves” and “the have-nots”. You hate to see it. Hence, our distaste for the ruling class dominating the league, and the clear delineation between them and the rest of us fighting for scraps trying to survive at the bottom of the standings. Yet, while we suffer the cruel consequences of unfortunate injury luck, poor managerial sit/start decisions, and awful draft picks, we shall not give up hope. That is what “they” want. So, let this week’s Passionate Playback serve as a metaphorical horticultural wonderland where you can set aside the pressing angst of trying to climb your way into the playoffs, and just slowly peruse the Zen like offerings of our tranquil arrangement of carnations called Power Rankings, until you can find true inner peace. We’re on to Week 7.Headlines:
Epic slate of games will take place to start second half of season
That’s right folks, we are in for quite the doozy this week. The Fantasy Gods have set our league up for an exciting clash of several top teams, as well as interesting matchups of the lower ranked teams ripe with juicy storylines. So we thought, what the hell? Let’s just go through them one by one.
Grant vs. Daniel
This is definitely the premiere game of the week, with two 5-1 teams squaring off looking to firmly cement themselves as a front runner for the playoff chase. Daniel comes into the matchup after brutally choking away his 9-game winning streak against yours truly in an impressive display of gag reflex suppression until his team fully submitted to the long throbbing shaft of defeat. While it was only his first loss on the season, taking the L last week has him dropping down to third in the standings. Now he stares back to back losses directly in the face as he tries to topple one of the best teams in the league. It’s not necessarily the ideal remedy for a team suddenly reeling in the corner like a frightened baby chipmunk. Yet, with the return of his QB wonder boy, Russel “hustle and bustle, man muscle” Wilson, the question becomes can this be the revitalizing hit of some pure uncut Fantasy Points that he so desperately needs to reassert himself at the top of the standings? Your guess is as good as mine.
Grant on the other hand, rides into this week on the heels of back to back victories over Jared and Tyler, the latter being an impressive scoring exhibition, sans his star RB Kamara, which in many people’s eyes reaffirmed the notion Grant is a force to be reckoned with this season. He now finds himself in prime position to tightly fasten himself into a seat on the Playoffs train and all signs seem to be pointing up for the first (official) year manager. Can he get the job done though? Well, with Kamara returning for this Week 7 affair, and Kyler going against the porous Seahawk pass defense, we would be willing to bet Grant is readying the lotion and tissue paper for an orgasmic filled Sunday full of touchdowns and splooge drenched Kleenex’s.
Tyler vs. Trevor
If the matchup of Grant and Daniel is the 1A game of the week, this one is easily the 1B. Even though the two managers don’t have 5-1 records, both proudly hold 4-2 marks and the loser is guaranteed to fall one game back in the chase for the final playoff spot, which adds a nice little dash of excitement for this battle between two excellent teams. Trevor of course is up to his normal ways of winning with the help of his nauseating brand of conjuring up some of the most ridiculous luck. Over the last three weeks he sports a 2-1 record, even though he has averaged an abysmal 126.6 points per game. But honestly, what’s new? Regardless, if he can whip up some of that classic Trevor magic and good fortune, he will again be sitting right there with an upper hand on the playoff race with only 5 weeks to go. So, I guess it doesn’t matter that he will be without his surprisingly competent RB waiver find, Miles Gaskin. Maybe at this point we should all just accept that Trevor is the prophecy born.
While the fact that Trevor has special powers when it comes to Fantasy, Tyler might just be the secret weapon that can counter his mystifying control of the Dark Arts. Admittedly, he is coming off a tough defeat as he succumbed to the overpowered scoring barrage of Grant’s team in Week 6. On top of that, his stud RBs Dalvin Cook and Miles Sanders will both not be available for Tyler in his pursuit to overcome the many point reducing spells being lobbed his way by Trevor this Sunday. Still, because he has very shrewdly assembled some solid depth at his RB position, he undoubtedly has a good as a chance as any to overcome the unfortunate depletion of his roster and heroically slay Trevor, before he has a chance to use his evil powers to take over the league. He’s not the hero we deserve, but he’s the one we get. So here we go.
Jared vs. Kyle
Well, don’t get me wrong, at first glance this one doesn’t seem like a particularly exciting matchup, pitting two 2-4 teams against each other. However, based on the outlook of the season, the staff is pegging this one as a “loser leaves town” contest as 2-5 will all but sign their team’s death warrant and hand deliver them a one way ticket to the consolation bracket. It’s the cruel nature of the way Fantasy works, and I for one will be watching on intently to see which of these managers can prevail victorious in a vicious cock fight to the death. While the staff is always quick to lay on the heavy criticism to Kyle for his proclivity to make awful managerial decisions, the dirty secret is that hiding away under the guise of a 2-4 record might be rather competent Fantasy team. Over the last two weeks Kyle has averaged a tad over 158 points per game, and his Titans filled roster of Fantasy players actually seem like a formidable lineup to take on Jared this week. Oh and Jared… yeah it’s been the exact opposite for him coming off two straight losses where he averaged just over 117 points per game. While he limps into this game beat up worse than maybe any other manager in the injury department, the one thing everyone knows is to never mess with a wounded animal fighting for its life. So that, paired with the unpredictability of Kyle’s confounding Fantasy decision making skills could set us up for an instant classic. Should be fun.
DW vs. Kevin
Well, it took half a season, but we will finally get the answer to the very pressing question of who will win a game first: Kevin or DW? Not a lot on the line here other than some good old fashioned pride, but it is interesting none the less because while Kevin sits at 0-6, he certainly hasn’t been the worst performing team in the league up to this juncture. It’s been beyond comical seeing him find new ways to come up short each week, and now he hilariously sits on the precipice of remaining winless while going against probably the worst team in the history of the league. If he were to lose this week, it would be objectively the most emasculating loss our league will have ever had the privilege of seeing. Now, we understand most likely he is going to finally get a tally in the win column this week, but a loss to DW and his horrendous embarrassment of a fantasy roster would end with the revocation of Kevin’s Man Card and be the metaphorical final snip to complete the castration process of his pathetic team. Let’s just say there’s a lot on the line for Big Kev. I honestly don’t know how he could look himself in the mirror and confidently tell himself he deserved last year’s championship at that point? C’mon Kev! You’re better than this!
Justin vs. Alex
Taking a look at our last matchup, we have a bout between moi and the league’s juggernaut to date, Alex. Since his Week 1 defeat, Alex has absolutely steam rolled the league en route to averaging just under 177 points per game and five straight wins. On the flip side, it’s been tough sledding for me as I have gone loss then win for six consecutive weeks in a row. Thus, I will be a massive underdog while trying to keep my playoff hopes alive. On top of that, if the trend continues as we would expect, this should be a laugher in favor of the superior team that Alex is rocking as I would be due for a loss this week. I’m sure he wants to win this game and remain comfortably perched above the league at the top of the standings, but if we are being honest, this one is not really a necessity as he is guaranteed to remain at least 1 game up in a playoff spot with very likely the most points scored in the league. Now, if I don’t win this game, it will be a brutal blow to my playoff chances so bad that I might have to yell the safe word in agony while Madame Inconsitency removes the 12 inch long paddle lodged deep into my team’s ass. Hopefully I’ve painted a nice mental picture for y’all on what I face this week. Definitely not ideal.
Awards:
Week 5
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call of the Week – Jared drops Mike Williams and plays David Moore in terrible defeat
Since we missed Week 5 Awards, we wanted to make sure this little slip up by our tormented friend, Jared, got its proper due. Going into Sunday morning, Jared had Mike Williams in his WR2 slot. However, sometime mid-morning, he thought it would be prudent to do a little last second tinkering and slotted in the very trustworthy fantasy option David Moore, who immediately went out and emphatically threw up a nice goose egg for Jared. Meanwhile Mike Williams produced a whopping 27.9 points… You want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Week 6
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call of the Week – Kevin benches Julio, loses close one to Trevor
The hits just don’t stop with the once prominent league champion. In one of the most inexplicable decisions of the season so far, with Julio set to return from injury, Kevin decided to place his first overall pick of this year’s draft on the pine. I don’t know really if we should be laughing hysterically at the blatant incompetence or to feel bad for the now 0-6 manager. Jamison Crowder put up 11.8 points while Julio had a colossal game, netting 33.7 points. We got no food! We got no jobs! OUR PETS’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!!
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – Daniel for losing to me 115 – 129.15
Oh how ironic it is that Daniel, vying to match longest regular season win streak in league history, would face off against yours truly, the man who currently holds that proud distinction. Blood was in the water too as I came into the contest after losing my best player the week prior, and my most competent RB was on bye. It was all but locked up for the standing leader… right? That would be a resounding no. Even though I couldn’t even eek out 130 points, Daniel one upped my urinary point incontinence and his hella weak stream of points only resulted in a microscopic 115 points. This from a man who’s stream of points the previous week could of could of blasted through a 3 foot thick steel wall. Great for me, but just disappointing on all levels if you ask the staff. You guys, the bathroom here is nuts!
Power Rankings:
1. KenUdigit 5-1; Power Score: 9.65
Positive Fun Fact: Grant owns the best League Record through six weeks which sits at an outstanding 43-11.
Negative Fun Fact: Grant is 1-0 when scoring under 155 points this season. The other three teams in top of the standings are 3-4.
2. AlexAshak 5-1; Power Score: 8.85
Positive Fun Fact: Alex owns the highest scoring game of the season at 213.9. Daniel has the second highest scoring game at 22.45 points less than Alex’s mark (191.45)
Negative Fun Fact: Alex has the second worst Coach Performance in the league with 140.7 points left on his bench to date
3. DanielWest 5-1; Power Score: 8.4
Positive Fun Fact: Daniel is tied for the lead league with most amount of weeks scoring the most points (Alex is the other).
Negative Fun Fact: Daniel’s opponents have a combined total record of 13-23
4. Tborgs 4-2; Power Score: 7.7
Positive Fun Fact: Tyler is the only team in the league to not have a game less than 145 points.
Negative Fun Fact: Tyler has only eclipsed 165 points just once this season. I have done it twice, Daniel has done it three times, and Alex and Grant have done it four times.
5. Tspires 4-2; Power Score: 5.5
Positive Fun Fact: Trevor actually is respectably 4th in the league in Points Against (908.65).
Negative Fun Fact: Trevor has four games this season with less than 135 points and is 2-2 in those matches.
6. KartierKyle 2-4; Power Score: 4.95
Positive Fun Fact: Over the last two weeks, Kyle has a League Record of 14-4
Negative Fun Fact: Through the first four weeks, Kyle has a League Record of 9-27
7. Kshak 0-6; Power Score: 4.4
Positive Fun Fact: Kevin’s combined opponent record is 25-11
Negative Fun Fact: Kevin is the only team to lose this season wile scoring more than 160 points. Kevin scored 173 that week.
8. Jressa 3-3; Power Score: 4.15
Positive Fun Fact: In week’s two and four I averaged 174.25 points per game and won both games handily
Negative Fun Fact: In week’s one, three, five, and six I averaged 127.5 points and went 1-3.
9. Jweverstad; Power Score: 4.1
Positive Fun Fact: Jared has the best Coach Performance in the league with only 104.4 points left on the bench so far.
Negative Fun Fact: Jared has only scored more than 145 points in one game this season and he lost that one to Trevor in the “Stat Correction” game.
10. DWwarner; Power Score: 3
Positive Fun Fact: …He scored 143 points week one?
Negative Fun Fact: Literally. Every. Single. Thing. Is. Terrible.
