Week 2

Hello my fellow Swifties! Another exciting line up of games last week has this season shaping up to be quite the doozy. Once the allure and excitement from week 1 of fantasy wares off, it is the dreaded week 2, a yearly staple for overreaction plays, that becomes the catalyst for the annual separation process between the contenders and the pretenders. Luckily, for most of you, there is still reason for optimism as 8 teams sit at 2-0 or 1-1 heading into our 3rd week of some nice, hot, nasty fantasy action. And, wouldn’t you know it, your favorite league mate’s back for the second week in a row, locked and loaded with juicy takes and spicy insights, all freshly seasoned and still steaming hot with that fresh off the grill flavor you’ve come to know and love. Just when you thought I wasn’t going to show up. (*Maniacal Laugh*) Well guess what? I grew harder, I grew stronger in the nick of time. Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time. Ohhh Fantasy! Look what you make me do! 

Passionate Playback: Week 2 

On tap we have a very special edition of the Passionate Playback this week, featuring our first… err I mean, second power rankings (Goddamnit Tyler!) of the season. For those of you who just want the rankings, feel free to skip ahead about 2500 words. But for those who are in for a remarkable tale of triumph and failure, of love and redemption, I bring to you this week’s team spotlight, Alex Ashak. I had the privilege to sit down with our league commissioner for an afternoon to learn about the wondrous yet difficult life he has had up to this point, and I am truly blessed to be able to share it with you all today. This is his story.

Team Spotlight: 

The gusts of the helicopter blades nearly blew me over as I exited our majestic aeronautical transport known as a Sikorsky S-92. It was my first time flying on a chopper, so it was an understatement to say it was surreal for my maiden voyage to be on the highest class of luxury helicopter known to man. The nerves quickly set in when I realized I was standing on the roof of one of the worlds most expensive mansions that is so private and remote, you can only reach it by air lift. As I walked across the helipad I stopped to look out over the expansive 5000-acre property, nestled beautifully in the middle of the Lewis mountain range in Montana’s back country, and I couldn’t help but be taken aback. 

The man I was there to meet, Alex Ashak, startles me as he sees me caught in a trance, gazing out over the grandiose backdrop of the Montana countryside. 

“God’s country” he says. 

Nervous I reply, “If you told me we’d be standing here today, even a month ago, I’d say you’re full of shit.” 

Not the most welcoming first impression I admit, but I wasn’t lying. How things can change so suddenly is one of life’s great eternal truths... For better or for worse. No one can attest to that more than the embattled league commissioner, Alex Ashak, who’s story has more twists than an M. Night Shamaylan movie. Currently, he is the world-renowned billionaire league commissioner who controls the greatest empire known to fantasy football, The Emotional Friends League. Yet, when he was working doubles at the Bozeman Fun House, having to decide between paying rent or being able to put food in the fridge, I bet he’d say your full of shit too if you told him we’d be meeting here today. Still, there we stood over his $145.3 million compound smack dab in the middle of the inland northwest’s most remote wilderness back countries, and I was going to get an exclusive with one of the most secretive fantasy business moguls in the world. Crazy how things just work sometimes. 

The year was 1999 and Fantasy was on the upswing. A young-gun league commissioner was starting to make some noise in the amateur circuits and it was only a matter of time before he was given a chance in the big leagues. 

“I was too good, and they knew it too. No way they were holding me back.” He says trying not to grin. 

His openness about his past was even more shocking than the feeling I got as we walked into his “living quarters”. It was like an airplane hangar with furniture. We quickly plopped down on a sofa, draped by a 1000-square foot glass wall overlooking his property, while Jeff, one of his kitchen staffers, handed me a fresh brewed cappuccino. 

“You see,” Alex continued, “I knew something they didn’t. They didn’t take fantasy as seriously as I did back then.” 

By 2005, with his first shot as commissioner of his own league, The Aggressive Enemies, he was able to catapult it to heights never before seen. It was a run that changed fantasy forever. Through sheer force and will power, and still south of 20 years in age, he was able to assemble the greatest ensemble of fantasy managers we may ever see. In 2006 and 2007 he set new record highs in just about every metric of earnings there is, most of which many people thought unattainable. 

“I was hungry, man. I was ravenous! I didn’t care about anything thing or anyone. I just wanted to be the best.” 

And he was, for a while. He had reached the pinnacle of his profession and for Alex that meant demolishing anything in his path. Still though, that wasn’t enough. There was something missing that he couldn’t explain. Instead of dealing with his demons, he became even more ruthless in his pursuits. From the outside, we saw young man on the rise with nothing but a bright future ahead. From within, Alex was at the tipping point of complete and utter self-destruction. 

“2008... yeah, 2008 that’s when it kind of... you know... fell apart.” 

Alex recalls waking up early one Saturday morning in the late summer of 2008 and just not feeling quite right. Like most nights, he didn’t get much sleep, but for whatever reason he woke up more anxious than he ever felt before. He thought turning on the TV might help calm him down. There was always something weirdly relaxing about watching Jeopardy early in the morning for him. Flipping through channels, something stopped him before he could reach that soothing voice of Alex Trebek.  He nearly spilled his coffee when he came across CNN.  What he saw on the TV was an atomic bomb had just gone off on his life, and he was never going to be the same again. 

Two weeks before the fantasy season the story leaked about his unscrupulous dealings with the Russians in order to fund his leagues recruiting department. When the story broke, every news agency in the country had run it as their lead headline. Overnight he had become a national disgrace and the most scrutinized man in all of fantasy. As the weeks went on the bizarreness of the stories that continued to trickle out took a damning toll on Alex’s psyche. He began getting linked to Russian mob activity and then accused of being a Russian spy. This lead to him being the focus of multiple investigations by Homeland Security, the FBI, ATF, MI6, and even NASA. Most people speculated he’d be locked up in Guantanamo, never to be seen or heard from again. 

“I was young and stupid, man.” He said starting to hold back tears, voice cracking, “Yeah, I made my mistakes, but they labeled me a traitor. Do you know what that means? You’re done. It’s over. They froze all my assets... I mean I had nothing. Everything in my life was ripped out from under me and to be honest I thought about ending it right there.” 

I could see in his eyes the lingering pain he still feels to this today. This was the first time he had ever come clean to anyone about his mindset back then. Very few could endure what Alex had to endure back then and I listened in amazement how he so eloquently detailed his brutal past. This was a man who just before that had the world at his fingertips, and in an instant it was shattered. 

As the years passed, his name became forgotten. Once the frenzy died down, and the investigations dropped, he retreated into the seclusion of the Montana wilderness. He was a long way from his luxurious Southern California beach mansion that was repossessed mid construction. Now it’s a luxury spa/gym frequented mainly by the homosexual community. Meanwhile the fantasy world was thriving and the groundwork he laid was the catalyst for a new wave of greedy league commissioners looking to strike it rich off his hard work. Unprecedented levels of earnings were being reported across fantasy and every league manager was making double or even triple of what Alex did in his prime. 

“My uncle let me stay in an abandoned basement he had about 20 minutes outside of Bozeman, that he kept as an emergency bunker in case of Armageddon.” He laughs as he recalls, “Man, that thing sucked, but it was cheap and I had a roof over my head. So... so yeah I made do.” 

His uncle, a family man and a practicing dentist during the week, also worked as bouncer on weekends at the local gentleman’s establishment called the Bozeman Fun House. He talked to the owner, Roger, and convinced him to let Alex work the kitchen to make ends meet. That was his life for the next few years, and Alex began to accept it was going to be his fate: Working in the kitchen of a small strip club/steakhouse in rural Montana. It wasn’t until he met his now wife, Angel Rockstar, that everything would again change forever. 

Compared to most of the dancers she was an anomaly. She was a roamer who only showed up for shifts sporadically when she became strapped for cash. No one knew what she did when she wasn’t at the club. Alex noticed her immediately though. He had never before seen such a free spirit in a person, not to mention he was mesmerized by her beauty and grace she took the stage with. It was love at first sight. Every night she worked he always made a point to go out and watch her perform and Roger took notice that some of the dishes weren’t getting done. 

“He goes, ‘just ask her out already! Because I got a business to run and I can’t have you out here daydreaming about her constantly!’” Alex remembers Roger telling him. “Freaking Roger man, that guy...” and Alex starts uncontrollably laughing while tossing his head back. 

It’s now mid afternoon and we’d been talking for hours and I could see the almost cathartic relief he was getting from finally laying it all on the table. He calls out for Jeff to get him a refill on his cappuccino and brags how all his coffee is brewed in-house with the coffee beans flown in daily from Colombia. Once he re-upped on his coffee, he proceeds to dive back into his past with me.

Eventually, Alex took Roger’s advice. It wasn’t long until Angel and Alex were officially dating. 

“I owe everything to her. She showed me how to live, to be happy. She showed me that what truly matters is the emotional bond between people. Between lovers, between family, and between friends.”

Angel, who had spent most her life in Peru learning the ancient ways of the native tribe people and studying with great Peruvian shamans, began to expose him to the world of spirituality. It was with her they began a regimented daily dose of ayahuasca, a powerful hallucinogenic that would expand his emotional intelligence and begin to free him of his troubled ego, which had famously lead him astray in the past. Together, the two lived a whimsical and spontaneous life. They traveled the country hitchhiking from one place to the next, never knowing where they were going to stay the next night. Alex began to love the free spirited nature of his life with Angel and for the first time in a long time he was finally happy. The void he had when he was the most prominent league manager in fantasy was finally filled with powerful emotions that he never felt before. With fantasy long gone in his rear view mirror, he seemed he was finally at peace. 

“Everything seems good you know. Great actually. Then, out of the blue I get this call. It’s my brother Kevin saying he was putting a league together. They couldn’t find a commissioner and... it was crazy man, but something told Kevin that he should ask me.” 

Alex stops, to think for a second...

“It’s funny because some things are just unexplainable. It’s like, if you have a higher purpose, you know. That higher purpose seems to find you and keep coming back until you can complete the mission you were placed here to do.” 

He remembers reluctantly telling Angel about Kevin’s call and he was surprised when she urged to him to go back to fantasy as a commissioner. Just the previous night she claims the fantasy gods came to her in a dream to tell her that the reason he was born was to truly bring the emotion of happiness back to fantasy and restore the sacredness it once held. At the time the greed filled commissioners were making more money than he ever did, but wielding their power in ways detrimental to the future of the sport. He was meant to be the commissioner that changed all that and save fantasy. And that’s exactly what he did. The rest, as they say, is now history. 

“Do you know why I brought you here? Do know why I chose you to release my story?” Alex asks me. 

“Honestly, no.” I replied.

Here was a man who had gone through the depths of hell, turned his life around, and soon after being given a second shot, pulled off one of the greatest redemption stories known to man. With his new league, The Emotional Friends, he became the first league commissioner to truly incorporate the emotional power of love and spirituality into a fantasy league and once again he was able revolutionize fantasy football. Not only did the league quadruple the success of any league ever combined, millions of followers caught on to his enlightening ways and they too began to incorporate his style. It didn’t take long for this spiritual method of managing a league to be embedded in the core of fantasy football everywhere. A new era was ushered in where the greediness of the old heads were slowly pushed out. The profits weren’t bad either. Now, in his 5th year from his return to fantasy he just passed the $25 billion mark in net worth and early projections are it’s going to be another record setting year. Last March him and Angel officially tied the knot, and they moved into their freshly built “Montana Mansion” (As they call it) the very next month. He can’t fight back the giddiness when he tells me they are expecting a baby girl in a few months and he seems ready as ever to be a father. Not many people remember his past transgressions, and those who do have forgiven him. He is the savior of fantasy. Why again would he want to talk to me? 

“Why did you want to give me this exclusive?” I ask. 

“Simple,” He says, “I know you’ll tell the truth and won’t hold back. I like that about you.” 

We both laugh and he gets up and asks me if I want to see the rest of the house. I agree and each one of his 87 rooms blows me away more and more. A bowling alley, a move theatre, a go-kart track. I couldn’t believe he lived here. As we winded down our day he showed me out and I was stunned and shocked by so much, I was having a hard time processing it all. How can someone be so beaten down and make it back up? How could someone with such a simple idea revolutionize a sport? Why would a billionaire who owns an 87-bedroom mansion have the need for a Pelaton in 65 of the rooms? 

I knew this experience was going to change my life and I didn’t want it to end. The helicopter was starting up again and I had to board. Alex helped me get in the cabin and stood smiling in his all white linen jumpsuit and Rollex glistening in the evening sunlight while the blades started to spin faster and faster and the engine grew louder. Before I shut the cabin door I yell out one more question. 

“What are you going to name her?” 

He yells back... “Montana!” 

And he closes the cabin door. 

As we took back off, and I started flying back home I looked out the window at the gorgeous Montana countryside bathing in the glorious hue of the late fall sunset one last time. Montana...

A smile ran across my face and I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes. Perfect, I thought. 

Just. 

Perfect.

Power Rankings: 

And now the moment you’ve all been waiting for… POWER RANKINGS!!!! For those of you who don’t remember there is a formula I use to that takes into account 5 different categories of performance and spits out a nice tidy metric I like to call power score. If you aren’t up to date on the formula… well too bad I don’t feel like explaining. Let’s get to it! 

1. AlexAshak 2-0; Power Score: 9.1 

The league commish sitting on the pole to start the season has to feel pretty good. It also must feel good be ranked number 1 in the first power rankings. (Boom!) Anyway, its been a whirl wind 2 weeks for the Commish as he has watched one of his highly drafted WRs submarine his career and possibly Alex’s fantasy team at the peak of his athletic and fantasy prowess. There’s no doubt that Alex’s shorts needed an extra run through rinse cycle with how many times he splooged in them watching AB and Tom connect early and often last Sunday. Now him and thousands of other Americans playing fantasy that own AB must suffer blue balls for the foreseeable future. Still, wouldn’t you know it; he weathered the storm nicely to the tune of 336.7 points, good for second in the league. As I love to point out year in and year out, the top spot is often in flux throughout the season, and the annual regression of players could deem too big a task for Alex to overcome. Yet, taking the top spot in the first power rankings is nothing to scoff at. Good for you sir. I’d also like to say good on you for establishing the “2-0 club”. That’s awesome you have a place now folks like you can go. I mean, I don’t swing that way, but I totally support the lifestyle. 

2. DWwarner 1-1; Power Score: 9.0 

Our first surprise of the power rankings shows up right away with DW pulling up at number 2. With his only loss coming at the hands of maybe the greatest fantasy football comeback in history, in just the first week, his performance through 2 games has been nothing short of spectacular. The computers absolutely love him too as he is currently sporting a sterling 17-1 league record and distinction of top scoring team through 2 weeks. There is a lot to like from a team many thought could be hampered by drafting Melvin. However, he felt compelled to reach higher on Ekeler than most other leagues drafting, and his gamble is paying off in dividends. Ekeler right now looks like a fantasy league winner type of player, and of course DW would have him. I would be remissed if I didn’t mention this Ekeler/DW things has shades of the Devonta Freeman year written all over it. So yeah, he’s probably going to win the title. We might as well just give it to him right now. Go on… take it… you know you want it. I promise no one will notice. 

3. Kshak 1-1; Power Score: 8.9 

Arriving at in the number 3 spot of the rankings is Big Kev with his fantasy stallion, Patrick “O’houlihan” Mahommes, at the helm and feeling like anything is possible. Our winning participant in what will go down as “The Double Double With Cheese” game, Kevin has to feel good about his team at this stage of the season. In a tough week 2, one long catch and run by Odell on Monday night nullified what was an otherwise decent fantasy performance. When you have a QB that could put up 50 any given week, there is a definite advantage you have over the rest of the league. Yet, the problem lies with being a top-heavy team. In week 2, the middle of Kevin’s lineup (RB1, RB2, WR1, WR2, and TE) averaged a pathetic 9.32 points, which, sadly, is just not going to get it done in this league. So while, there is reason to be optimistic, for Kevin’s sake, he better hope the heart of his roster can step up if the star of his one-man show fantasy team doesn’t perform as expected. I guess we will just have to wait and see. 

4. Tspires 2-0; Power Score: 7.95 

A 2-0 team popping up in the 4-slot might come as a shock on the outside looking in, but a deeper dive into Trevor’s performance through 2 weeks might uncover some disturbing trends. Propped up by his (luckily) unblemished record thus far, the computers did not like what they were seeing when the numbers were crunched. His 4th best 10-8 league record is nothing to be ashamed of, but his 4th most 58 points left on his bench through two weeks hurts his credibility to be listed in the discussion of the league’s elite. This is all not to mention he has only had a brain seizure inducing and confoundingly low 202.6 points scored against him through the two weeks of fantasy action. For context, the team with the next highest amount of points scored against, the Commish’s, had over 55 more points scored against. Kevin, while still managing to be 1-1 has had a robust 337.25 points scored against him so far. Record is all that matters, and I’m sure Trevor could care less what his power ranking is while he still is sits untarnished on the season. But, if I dust the cobwebs off the crystal ball I have hiding in my garage behind the trimmer and Christmas lights, I would be willing to bet the it doesn’t foresee a 100 point per game points against pace continuing in the future, so he better hope his team can start to produce at the level of an undefeated team or that perfect record won’t last for long. 

5. KartierKyle 1-1; Power Score: 6.55 

Sliding in at the dead middle of the pack is the oft-criticized Kyle, with uninspiring performances in the first 2 weeks of play. If last year’s league runner up is looking to get over the hump this season with a fantasy title, the early returns on his draft don’t necessarily lend to a strong vote of confidence in that regard. While he is still 1-1, a 6-12 league record is not what we would call a good start. With that said, his propensity through two weeks to play his most optimal lineups has actually been quietly super impressive. Somehow, he has only left a microscopic 4.7 points on his bench this season, good for far and away the best Coach Performance in the early going of the season. There’s no denying with his roster, points are going to be at a premium this season. So, in order to remain relevant he is going to have be managing his roster with almost no margin for error what so ever. It’s a tough ask, but so far Kyle has risen to the occasion. But, can he keep it going?

6. Tborgs 1-1; Power Score: 6.4

Falling down the ranks to 6 is our reigning champion and brief placeholder as power rankings “Chosen One”, Mr. Tyler. Coming off an exhilarating Monday night win over the week’s previous Monday night… comebacker? (We’re over a three thousand words into this weeks write up so yes, I get to start making up shit) Tyler still remains positioned with just about everyone else to be able to make a run for the playoffs again this year and defend his title. The only problem? He needs to get out of his own way. His week one blunder, benching Sammy, has cost him a 2-0 start, and as the year-end picture of how the league is going to shape up starts to come in to focus, that lost opportunity may end up costing him big time. Historically, this league has often had a very competitive and close playoff race, and through 2 weeks he’s definitely still in it. Nevertheless our reservations about his roster construction remain, and it goes without saying, every win matters in this league. He had his chance and you might even say… HE LET THEM OFF THE HOOK! R.I.P Denny! 

7. jressa 1-1; Power Score: 5.5

I have to say, not the start I was hoping for. The Jekyll-Hyde performance of my team to begin the new season has my fantasy hopes down right now, and I’ll concede that number 7 in the power rankings is probably about what I deserve. A promising start to the season in week one by being the 3rd highest scoring team had me riding high on the promise of another excellent fantasy season for my squad. Then, right when I was least expecting it, the dreaded mistress, Madame Inconsistency, reared her ugly head just in time peg my team right in the ass with the mighty and grotesque strap on called regression. Good news is I’ve checked my team out of the PTSD rehab clinic after a few MDMA assisted psychotherapy sessions, and strapped them up with the my shiny new three headed Chief-o-dagger, all right in time for my showdown with Trevor this weekend. Can my team rebound from the humiliation of their 115-point embarrassment last week? I can’t wait to find out. 

8. HouseWeverstad 1-1; Power Score: 4.8 

Our last 1-1 team we’ve discussed, it’s not Jared, but rather the Ghost Manager, Mr. Grant, that lead his team to a possibly season saving victory last week. In what was a painstakingly rocky game from Grant’s team in week 2, somehow and someway he managed to squeak out the victory while withstanding a (furious?) Monday night comeback bid by Kameron. While we like to root for the underdog and the feel good story of Grant stepping in to lead Jared’s wrangly-mangly bunch of terrible fantasy players to the promised land, it’s probably not going to happen. Other than his 1-1 record he is dead last in points scored and tied for last in league record at 4-14. Probably going to say luck has a lot to do with that victory but here he stands at 1-1 and still holding a puncher’s chance at making some noise this season. The sad thing is, the damage has already been done by Jared’s appallingly abysmal draft this year so Grant is fighting quite the uphill battle. It’s going to be interesting to watch no matter what, and, much like a car wreck, I can’t seem to turn away. 

9. KamSmith 0-2; Power Score: 3.35 

As we make our descent down the power rankings, nearing the bottom, we find Kameron down here hiding away in the number 9 spot. I tell it like it is ladies and gentleman, just not a lot of positives here. I mean, I don’t like criticizing league managers for their ineptitude (actually I do… I love it), but I think I have to do it right here, right now. If we crack open the history books of the league they’ll show the past three seasons Kameron is sporting a rough 11-25 record, by far the worst record over that span. He showed a little more fight last year, finishing at a respectable 6-6, and maybe, just maybe, we thought he was going to take another step forward and contend for a playoff spot this year. Two weeks in and it looks to be that his annual free fall into the league’s cellar is going to happen once again. Tough break for my guy. You're better than that! 

10. Daniel West 0-2; Power Score: 2.35

Aaaand we made it. We land safely at the bottom of our league’s power rankings with Daniel getting to start off the season attached by the mouth to the rear of our human Centi-league known as the power rankings. (Okay, I’m grasping for jokes now) Sitting at 0-2 just two game games in and coupled with the label of worst rated team, well let’s just say it’s a bitch slap of fantasy truth to the face for Mr. Daniel that his season may be over before it even started. He is second to last in points scored, third to last in coach performance and tied for last in league record. For more on Daniel’s season so far, lets kick it out to Erin Andrews who is standing by down on the field. Erin, what are you seeing down there? 

“Yeah... it’s definitely not good.” 

And that was Erin Andrews again bringing you the hard-hitting insights and provocative takes you can’t get anywhere else. Thanks again Erin, you stay looking as sexy as ever. 

Welp, that’ll do it for another edition of the passionate playback. Everyone here on the staff (of one) is looking forward to another fantastic week of fantasy battles to take place this weekend. Good luck and God speed. Until next time… over and out!