Week 3
Passionate Playback: Week 3
Well, well, well… Look who it is! That’s right you crazy Swifties, the Passionate Playback Staff (of just me) is back, and we are showing up again, right on schedule, and straight from an all-night cooking sesh’ in our state-of-the-art chemistry lab. So, get those syringes ready and the veins-a-poppin’, because this week we’re doling out an extra special batch of only the highest quality takes and analysis to you Fantasy Addicts, that’s so chemically pure it makes Blue Sky look like a blind junky made it with a second grade chemistry set. Thus, we welcome you on in, and advise on just sitting back, relaxing, and letting the intense euphoric sensations of my crazy rants, raunchy metaphors, and preposterous predictions engulf your body as you inject another a fantastic edition of the Passionate Playback straight into the bloodstream. Because, Holy. Freakin’. Smokes. No hyperbole, we may have just witnessed the most wild, epic slate of games take place on the virtual grid iron this past week that the league has ever seen (more on that later). Furthermore, after reaching the one quarter mark of the regular season, as a whole, the plethora of insanely heated Fantasy Battles in the early goings has the staff extra giddy imagining what more craziness might enfold in the coming weeks. As we transition into the 4th week of play, traditionally this has been the first milestone on the calendar we can typically point to when the good teams start the separation process from the inferior bottom feeders. Therefore, if you have any hopes of Fantasy Glory this season, now would be an ideal time to make your move before it’s too late. There doesn’t seem to be any sign that Denzel is showing up to slow down the out of control speeding freight train, packed full of highly flammable and explosive tanks of Fantasy Excitement, that is our 2020 season. So, it goes without saying, several of you (me included) are white knuckling those handrails as we are in serious jeopardy of being viciously thrown off into the oblivion of irrelevance as we desperately try to stay aboard. If that sounds like you, grab the Sleeper App, keep pounding the play button on the T Siz playlist, and start searching those waivers. It’s full steam ahead to Week 4, baby!
Headlines:
Grant edges Kevin hard, also wins in a “Saint-O-Rama” Sunday night thriller 173.5 – 173
I don’t exactly know what it is about the propensity for Big Kev to play in some of the greatest games in league history, but somehow the reigning champion has now notched another participation award for being part of an instant classic yet again. This time, however, he unfortunately falls on the wrong side of the outcome as Grant pulled one of the most improbable victories out of his ass that the league has ever had the privilege of producing. Coming into the match up, Grant had cruised through the first two weeks after dismantling Alex and Kyle easier than Liam Neeson taking down an Albanian human trafficking ring. Kevin, on the other hand, was desperately trying to capture his first tally in the win column following a brutal loss by a dick hair (his words) in Week 1 and then receiving a good old fashion throat fucking in Week 2, compliments of the same two teams that Grant made such quick work of… A nice little piece of irony to set the stage for the Week 3 affair between these two teams. Further, Big Kev undoubtedly knew the importance of this game and that knocking off the highest scoring team in the league could save him from a catastrophic nosedive to his hopes of successfully defending his title. All this was to say, we were all systems go for a fantastic game. Still, what unraveled over the course of that fateful Sunday defied all conceptions of what we thought the limit was on the level of excitement and tension that could be generated by this simple game of chance known as Fantasy, and it will forever go down as the stuff of legend.
When Sunday morning finally rolled around, Kevin had to be feeling pretty good about his chances as the perennial Fantasy stalwart, James Robinson, put up a cool 30.9 points on Thursday night to propel him out to the early lead, because… of course. Anyway, in the morning round of games, Grant got a tidy little 14 from Gould, but Reed and the Washington D only combined to score a paltry 5.3 for the standings leader. As Chubb was ducking the Washington defenders on his way to the endzone, even though Grant was racking up points, it was hurting his defense so much that Sleeper still had Kevin predicted to win the game. The morning may had seemed pretty uneventful, but the first two of several monumental and incredibly unlikely swings took place that left the door slightly cracked for Grant to stay within striking distance. First, Stefon Diggs was getting the requisite targets from Joshy Boy on the first drive of the Bills game in upstate New York to indicate he was going to have a big game. From the 1 yard line, Stefon had two separate touchdown grabs on consecutive plays negated, first by replay, and then subsequently by penalty to rob Kevin of 7 points. Diggs would finish with only 14.9 points. Then, down south in the same state of New York, the Turf of Death struck again, appearing to seriously injure Jordan Reed after he was wreathing in pain from rolling his ankle on the “sticky” MetLife field. To everyone’s surprise, Reed came back and gutted out one more drive in the second quarter, nabbing an 11 yard reception before being promptly pulled right back out of the game. In my opinion, Reed was the unsung hero of the game, returning just long enough to net Grant 2 more points. All in all, it was a 9 point swing, that may have not seemed like much, but yeah… They kind of turned out to be a pretty big deal. Not only that, the odds of that series of events taking place in the same state in about a 30 min time span, I’m going to go out on a limb and say not very likely.
The best was yet to come when the real scoring started in the afternoon. Like Kanye just keeps trying to frantically keep his name in the spotlight while T Sizzle racks up the certified platinum hits, the craziness just kept rearing its ugly head. Late in the first quarter of the Seahawks game, DK caught a 62 yard bomb from Russel “Hussle and Bussell, Man Muscle” Wilson and then shockingly had the ball poked out, inches before strolling across the goal line, in a one in a million type play by the Cowboy defender. Once again, another manager was robbed of all but guaranteed points, with Grant this time being on the receiving end of some wretched luck. Right on cue, in that same game, Greg the Leg emphatically turned to Kev and said, “Hold my beer…” and inexplicably shanked not one, but two extra point attempts. We are talking about a kicker who had missed a total of three extra point attempts over the last four years combined! You can’t make this shit up.
At any rate, after the rookie QB extraordinaire, Justin Herbert, forgot he had any other receiver than Keenan Allen, giving Kevin a robust 30.2 points, and Lil Kyler threw a career high in picks, Kevin took a 22 point lead going into the Sunday night game. Similar to a great male adult film star hopped up on a concoction of Adderall, Cocaine, and Viagra, this game wasn’t about to stop delivering us giant creamy loads of excitement. It was an all Saint, Sunday night showdown, with Brees still left for Kevin and a Kamara/Cook combo ready to roll for Grant. What ensued was an all time “Saint-O-Rama” eruption of points that Sunday night which had both managers being tossed through a roller coaster of emotions more ferocious than an Anderson Silva leg kick to the dome. It was Fantasy at its finest, Gentlemen. Each time Kevin’s trusty QB just kept dumping off those passes to Kamara, the star RB kept dazzling the football world by bouncing off defenders galore en route to 44.7 points for Grant. Nevertheless, points were still being accumulated by Brees on each of those passes, and over the course of the second half, the two teams were not separated by more than 5 points at any point. When the dust finally settled, Grant emerged from the madness clinging to .5 point lead and took home the win to keep his record unblemished in a game where both teams amazingly topped 170 points. In a stunning turn of bad luck for the reigning champion, Kevin now finds himself winless through the first three weeks, but he can hold his head high that he hung in for one night, with the juggernaut of the league through the first quarter of the season. The staff still can’t believe how this game turned out and it unequivocally gets the distinguished award for Week 3 of the Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week. Pepper needs new shorts!
Jared gets bit by late stat correction in second less-than-one point margin of the week; Trevor wins 162 – 161.25
Sometimes there are just those managers who seemingly get every break regardless of their decision making or drafting skills. That manager in our league, without one iota of a question is none other than Trevor. The staff is more than willing to give props when due, but seriously, every year he seemingly finishes in the middle of the pack of points scored and leaves ungodly amounts of points on his bench, yet is always right there in the playoffs. Since yours truly has entered the league, in 4 seasons, Trev hasn’t missed the playoffs (I’m pretty sure on that one, since I can’t look it up for confirmation…), including two trips to the championship game. I don’t know what kind of sick sacrificial rituals he offers the Fantasy Gods, and I don’t think I want to know, but sweet Jesus man, do they work. None more evidenced by what we are dubbing as the “Stat Correction” game that took place last weekend, which claimed Jared as the latest victim of some classic Trevor Luck.
With both teams sitting at 1-1, there really wasn’t a whole lot to get excited about going into the match up of two underperforming managers. Jared eeked out a victory against moi after I was the worst scoring team in Week 1, to only turn around and get stomped in Week 2. Through two weeks, he was averaging a tick over 140 points per game, which Jared likely knew wasn’t going to cut it if he had aspirations of a playoff filled future, but he was still in prime position to be above .500 after the quarter mark of his campaign. The same was true for Trevor, but he was a little more up and down after shooting himself in the foot badly with poor lineup decisions in Week 2, but what’s new? It was up for debate if Trevor had a good team, and this was a worthwhile opportunity to make a strong statement to the league on the prospects for his 2020 season.
When Sunday arrived, Jared quickly grabbed the steering wheel with a huge 42.35 points from Joshy Boy, continuing the tear that his QB has been on in the early going, and Jared comfortably sat in the drivers seat for most of the morning. Other than that, though, Jared couldn’t put the game away as the morning slate had pretty poor performances for both managers involved as they were trying to one up each other with their ineptitude for making lineup decisions. Jared failed to stream a competent defense as Kirk Cousin’s torched the Titans to leave him with a microscopic 3 points, but it became painfully clear Trevor can’t hit the mark on his QB decisions when he opted for Cam over Brady, which ended with a dismal 14.8 for Trevor. Nonetheless, as we made our way to the afternoon, both teams hit the after burners and points started being thrown up on the board faster than Kevin pre-ordering the new T Swift album upon it’s announcement. Lockett, the true hero of the game for Trevor, broke out with 3 first half touchdowns to finish with 37 points. Jared, wasn’t done either, and countered with 31.3 from his diminutive star RB, Ekeler, and 23.7 from the Hands Man himself, Deandre Hopkins. What was a snoozer for the most of the morning, suddenly received a lightning strike of points, straight to the flaccid tip of this game’s schlong, to erect some rock hard excitement and set up a fantastic Monday night finish.
Trailing by 21.45 points, with only Tyreek left for Trevor, all Jared could do was hope for the best as he had no other players left on his roster to help safeguard his lead. While definitely do-able, 21.5 points from Tyreek was going to be no easy task with the smorgasbord of options at Patty’s disposal to disperse the ball to. In the first half, though, it seemed like Tyreek was going to easily surpass his needed mark as he quickly racked up 18.6 points in the first half, capped by a mid second quarter touchdown, and Trevor only trailed by 2.85. An excruciating second half then proceeded for the two managers as they watched on the edge of their seats for each Chief drive. Even though the game script didn’t favor a whole lot of passes with the Chiefs leading big, in the second half Patty did everything he could to not give Tyreek the ball with touchdowns by Anthony Sherman and Eric Freakin’ Fisher. Drive after drive, as the clock dwindled away it was becoming more and more obvious we were going to have a photo finish, with the eyes of the entire league looking on in anticipation to find out how the game would turn out. When it was all said and done, Tyreek could only muster one carry for 3 yards and one catch for 13 yards in the second half, good for… 2.6 points. To Trevor’s dismay, this left him .25 points shy of Jared and fell short of snatching victory. I mean, right after we had a less than one point victory by Grant the night before, Jared swiftly one upped him by staving off a furious Monday night comeback with an even closer margin of victory. The odds of this happening twice in a season have to be pretty low… But happening twice in the same week? As Sleepy Joe would say: C’mon Man!
Well, we all went to bed that Monday night thinking Jared was the proud owner of a 2-1 record and the demonic conjuring’s of Trevor’s luck had finally been vanquished. Aaaaaaannnd then came Thursday. While we were all steering our focus to Week 4, the brilliant minds that constitute the NFL’s statistics department were fast at work, confirming the game day statisticians had every little detail in the books correct. Interestingly, stat corrections are actually quite prevalent in the NFL each week, like the multitudes of creepy crawlers I’m sure wander Jared’s unwashed, filthy, spider breeding ground that he calls a mattress each night. Most of the time they just pass him by unnoticed while he slumbers peacefully dreaming of a day he might raise a fantasy trophy. But… every so often, he wakes up to find one of those bastards bit him right on the dick hole. Welp, wouldn’t you know it, in one of the most remarkable turn of events in league history, one of those very stat corrections did exactly that. Sometime on the Thursday following Week 3, it was determined Gurley fumbled the ball resulting in a 1 point deduction for Jared, and now he must suffer the consequences of a metaphorical spider bite to the dick that is the stat correction, in maybe the most brutal loss the league has ever seen. Wow. We all thought it was a possibility, but I don’t think anyone believed it was actually going to happen. Since we gave the nod to the “Saint-O-Rama” game for Game of the Week, the “Stat Correction” game still gets a tip of the cap as an honorable mention for being a high scoring battle between two good teams, even with the controversial finish. Still, tough break for our man Jared. Ouchtown, Population: You Bro!
Awards:
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week – Grant beating Kevin 173.5 – 173
See Headlines.
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week Honorable Mention – Jared loses on stat correction to Trevor 161.25 – 162
See Headlines.
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Worst Call of the Week – Jared Plays Titans Defense; scores 3 points in loss to Trevor
In a 1 point defeat, Jared tried streaming a defense after the his former D, (Da-Bears!) had an unfavorable match up against the high powered Falcons offense. I liked the thinking, just terrible execution on who he chose to go with, especially in a less than one point loss. Oh, and the Bears scored 6 points too… Do you realize what you’ve done!?
Shane Falco Best Replacement player Call of the Week – Daniel plays Mike Davis; scores 23.1 points in victory over DW
While this award is typically reserved for those who make great calls to fill in for their star on bye, we are making an exception for Daniel who smartly snagged his #1 overall pick’s replacement off waivers and start him as an injury replacement. He wasn’t afraid to shell out the FAAB, and it was a saavy move of the variety that champions have been known to make. Well done lad! Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.
Gus Bus Best Bench of the Week – Yours truly as Gallup and Lazard go off on bench in tough loss to Tyler
Yeah, it would’ve been a pretty ballsy call to play both receivers on my bench that scored a combined 52.2 points. That said, I definitely considered starting them and it cost me big time by not pulling the trigger as Spicy Dijon (Diontae Johnson), Chris Carson, and Shake-N-Drake (Kenyan) combined for a whopping 20.4 points… For years I have thought the Sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you, It’s not a monster! IT’S NOT A MONSTER!
Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week - Alex for playing the Colts Defense; scores 31 points in Victory over Kyle
Well, well, well… Look who it is! That’s right you crazy Swifties, the Passionate Playback Staff (of just me) is back, and we are showing up again, right on schedule, and straight from an all-night cooking sesh’ in our state-of-the-art chemistry lab. So, get those syringes ready and the veins-a-poppin’, because this week we’re doling out an extra special batch of only the highest quality takes and analysis to you Fantasy Addicts, that’s so chemically pure it makes Blue Sky look like a blind junky made it with a second grade chemistry set. Thus, we welcome you on in, and advise on just sitting back, relaxing, and letting the intense euphoric sensations of my crazy rants, raunchy metaphors, and preposterous predictions engulf your body as you inject another a fantastic edition of the Passionate Playback straight into the bloodstream. Because, Holy. Freakin’. Smokes. No hyperbole, we may have just witnessed the most wild, epic slate of games take place on the virtual grid iron this past week that the league has ever seen (more on that later). Furthermore, after reaching the one quarter mark of the regular season, as a whole, the plethora of insanely heated Fantasy Battles in the early goings has the staff extra giddy imagining what more craziness might enfold in the coming weeks. As we transition into the 4th week of play, traditionally this has been the first milestone on the calendar we can typically point to when the good teams start the separation process from the inferior bottom feeders. Therefore, if you have any hopes of Fantasy Glory this season, now would be an ideal time to make your move before it’s too late. There doesn’t seem to be any sign that Denzel is showing up to slow down the out of control speeding freight train, packed full of highly flammable and explosive tanks of Fantasy Excitement, that is our 2020 season. So, it goes without saying, several of you (me included) are white knuckling those handrails as we are in serious jeopardy of being viciously thrown off into the oblivion of irrelevance as we desperately try to stay aboard. If that sounds like you, grab the Sleeper App, keep pounding the play button on the T Siz playlist, and start searching those waivers. It’s full steam ahead to Week 4, baby!
Headlines:
Grant edges Kevin hard, also wins in a “Saint-O-Rama” Sunday night thriller 173.5 – 173
I don’t exactly know what it is about the propensity for Big Kev to play in some of the greatest games in league history, but somehow the reigning champion has now notched another participation award for being part of an instant classic yet again. This time, however, he unfortunately falls on the wrong side of the outcome as Grant pulled one of the most improbable victories out of his ass that the league has ever had the privilege of producing. Coming into the match up, Grant had cruised through the first two weeks after dismantling Alex and Kyle easier than Liam Neeson taking down an Albanian human trafficking ring. Kevin, on the other hand, was desperately trying to capture his first tally in the win column following a brutal loss by a dick hair (his words) in Week 1 and then receiving a good old fashion throat fucking in Week 2, compliments of the same two teams that Grant made such quick work of… A nice little piece of irony to set the stage for the Week 3 affair between these two teams. Further, Big Kev undoubtedly knew the importance of this game and that knocking off the highest scoring team in the league could save him from a catastrophic nosedive to his hopes of successfully defending his title. All this was to say, we were all systems go for a fantastic game. Still, what unraveled over the course of that fateful Sunday defied all conceptions of what we thought the limit was on the level of excitement and tension that could be generated by this simple game of chance known as Fantasy, and it will forever go down as the stuff of legend.
When Sunday morning finally rolled around, Kevin had to be feeling pretty good about his chances as the perennial Fantasy stalwart, James Robinson, put up a cool 30.9 points on Thursday night to propel him out to the early lead, because… of course. Anyway, in the morning round of games, Grant got a tidy little 14 from Gould, but Reed and the Washington D only combined to score a paltry 5.3 for the standings leader. As Chubb was ducking the Washington defenders on his way to the endzone, even though Grant was racking up points, it was hurting his defense so much that Sleeper still had Kevin predicted to win the game. The morning may had seemed pretty uneventful, but the first two of several monumental and incredibly unlikely swings took place that left the door slightly cracked for Grant to stay within striking distance. First, Stefon Diggs was getting the requisite targets from Joshy Boy on the first drive of the Bills game in upstate New York to indicate he was going to have a big game. From the 1 yard line, Stefon had two separate touchdown grabs on consecutive plays negated, first by replay, and then subsequently by penalty to rob Kevin of 7 points. Diggs would finish with only 14.9 points. Then, down south in the same state of New York, the Turf of Death struck again, appearing to seriously injure Jordan Reed after he was wreathing in pain from rolling his ankle on the “sticky” MetLife field. To everyone’s surprise, Reed came back and gutted out one more drive in the second quarter, nabbing an 11 yard reception before being promptly pulled right back out of the game. In my opinion, Reed was the unsung hero of the game, returning just long enough to net Grant 2 more points. All in all, it was a 9 point swing, that may have not seemed like much, but yeah… They kind of turned out to be a pretty big deal. Not only that, the odds of that series of events taking place in the same state in about a 30 min time span, I’m going to go out on a limb and say not very likely.
The best was yet to come when the real scoring started in the afternoon. Like Kanye just keeps trying to frantically keep his name in the spotlight while T Sizzle racks up the certified platinum hits, the craziness just kept rearing its ugly head. Late in the first quarter of the Seahawks game, DK caught a 62 yard bomb from Russel “Hussle and Bussell, Man Muscle” Wilson and then shockingly had the ball poked out, inches before strolling across the goal line, in a one in a million type play by the Cowboy defender. Once again, another manager was robbed of all but guaranteed points, with Grant this time being on the receiving end of some wretched luck. Right on cue, in that same game, Greg the Leg emphatically turned to Kev and said, “Hold my beer…” and inexplicably shanked not one, but two extra point attempts. We are talking about a kicker who had missed a total of three extra point attempts over the last four years combined! You can’t make this shit up.
At any rate, after the rookie QB extraordinaire, Justin Herbert, forgot he had any other receiver than Keenan Allen, giving Kevin a robust 30.2 points, and Lil Kyler threw a career high in picks, Kevin took a 22 point lead going into the Sunday night game. Similar to a great male adult film star hopped up on a concoction of Adderall, Cocaine, and Viagra, this game wasn’t about to stop delivering us giant creamy loads of excitement. It was an all Saint, Sunday night showdown, with Brees still left for Kevin and a Kamara/Cook combo ready to roll for Grant. What ensued was an all time “Saint-O-Rama” eruption of points that Sunday night which had both managers being tossed through a roller coaster of emotions more ferocious than an Anderson Silva leg kick to the dome. It was Fantasy at its finest, Gentlemen. Each time Kevin’s trusty QB just kept dumping off those passes to Kamara, the star RB kept dazzling the football world by bouncing off defenders galore en route to 44.7 points for Grant. Nevertheless, points were still being accumulated by Brees on each of those passes, and over the course of the second half, the two teams were not separated by more than 5 points at any point. When the dust finally settled, Grant emerged from the madness clinging to .5 point lead and took home the win to keep his record unblemished in a game where both teams amazingly topped 170 points. In a stunning turn of bad luck for the reigning champion, Kevin now finds himself winless through the first three weeks, but he can hold his head high that he hung in for one night, with the juggernaut of the league through the first quarter of the season. The staff still can’t believe how this game turned out and it unequivocally gets the distinguished award for Week 3 of the Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week. Pepper needs new shorts!
Jared gets bit by late stat correction in second less-than-one point margin of the week; Trevor wins 162 – 161.25
Sometimes there are just those managers who seemingly get every break regardless of their decision making or drafting skills. That manager in our league, without one iota of a question is none other than Trevor. The staff is more than willing to give props when due, but seriously, every year he seemingly finishes in the middle of the pack of points scored and leaves ungodly amounts of points on his bench, yet is always right there in the playoffs. Since yours truly has entered the league, in 4 seasons, Trev hasn’t missed the playoffs (I’m pretty sure on that one, since I can’t look it up for confirmation…), including two trips to the championship game. I don’t know what kind of sick sacrificial rituals he offers the Fantasy Gods, and I don’t think I want to know, but sweet Jesus man, do they work. None more evidenced by what we are dubbing as the “Stat Correction” game that took place last weekend, which claimed Jared as the latest victim of some classic Trevor Luck.
With both teams sitting at 1-1, there really wasn’t a whole lot to get excited about going into the match up of two underperforming managers. Jared eeked out a victory against moi after I was the worst scoring team in Week 1, to only turn around and get stomped in Week 2. Through two weeks, he was averaging a tick over 140 points per game, which Jared likely knew wasn’t going to cut it if he had aspirations of a playoff filled future, but he was still in prime position to be above .500 after the quarter mark of his campaign. The same was true for Trevor, but he was a little more up and down after shooting himself in the foot badly with poor lineup decisions in Week 2, but what’s new? It was up for debate if Trevor had a good team, and this was a worthwhile opportunity to make a strong statement to the league on the prospects for his 2020 season.
When Sunday arrived, Jared quickly grabbed the steering wheel with a huge 42.35 points from Joshy Boy, continuing the tear that his QB has been on in the early going, and Jared comfortably sat in the drivers seat for most of the morning. Other than that, though, Jared couldn’t put the game away as the morning slate had pretty poor performances for both managers involved as they were trying to one up each other with their ineptitude for making lineup decisions. Jared failed to stream a competent defense as Kirk Cousin’s torched the Titans to leave him with a microscopic 3 points, but it became painfully clear Trevor can’t hit the mark on his QB decisions when he opted for Cam over Brady, which ended with a dismal 14.8 for Trevor. Nonetheless, as we made our way to the afternoon, both teams hit the after burners and points started being thrown up on the board faster than Kevin pre-ordering the new T Swift album upon it’s announcement. Lockett, the true hero of the game for Trevor, broke out with 3 first half touchdowns to finish with 37 points. Jared, wasn’t done either, and countered with 31.3 from his diminutive star RB, Ekeler, and 23.7 from the Hands Man himself, Deandre Hopkins. What was a snoozer for the most of the morning, suddenly received a lightning strike of points, straight to the flaccid tip of this game’s schlong, to erect some rock hard excitement and set up a fantastic Monday night finish.
Trailing by 21.45 points, with only Tyreek left for Trevor, all Jared could do was hope for the best as he had no other players left on his roster to help safeguard his lead. While definitely do-able, 21.5 points from Tyreek was going to be no easy task with the smorgasbord of options at Patty’s disposal to disperse the ball to. In the first half, though, it seemed like Tyreek was going to easily surpass his needed mark as he quickly racked up 18.6 points in the first half, capped by a mid second quarter touchdown, and Trevor only trailed by 2.85. An excruciating second half then proceeded for the two managers as they watched on the edge of their seats for each Chief drive. Even though the game script didn’t favor a whole lot of passes with the Chiefs leading big, in the second half Patty did everything he could to not give Tyreek the ball with touchdowns by Anthony Sherman and Eric Freakin’ Fisher. Drive after drive, as the clock dwindled away it was becoming more and more obvious we were going to have a photo finish, with the eyes of the entire league looking on in anticipation to find out how the game would turn out. When it was all said and done, Tyreek could only muster one carry for 3 yards and one catch for 13 yards in the second half, good for… 2.6 points. To Trevor’s dismay, this left him .25 points shy of Jared and fell short of snatching victory. I mean, right after we had a less than one point victory by Grant the night before, Jared swiftly one upped him by staving off a furious Monday night comeback with an even closer margin of victory. The odds of this happening twice in a season have to be pretty low… But happening twice in the same week? As Sleepy Joe would say: C’mon Man!
Well, we all went to bed that Monday night thinking Jared was the proud owner of a 2-1 record and the demonic conjuring’s of Trevor’s luck had finally been vanquished. Aaaaaaannnd then came Thursday. While we were all steering our focus to Week 4, the brilliant minds that constitute the NFL’s statistics department were fast at work, confirming the game day statisticians had every little detail in the books correct. Interestingly, stat corrections are actually quite prevalent in the NFL each week, like the multitudes of creepy crawlers I’m sure wander Jared’s unwashed, filthy, spider breeding ground that he calls a mattress each night. Most of the time they just pass him by unnoticed while he slumbers peacefully dreaming of a day he might raise a fantasy trophy. But… every so often, he wakes up to find one of those bastards bit him right on the dick hole. Welp, wouldn’t you know it, in one of the most remarkable turn of events in league history, one of those very stat corrections did exactly that. Sometime on the Thursday following Week 3, it was determined Gurley fumbled the ball resulting in a 1 point deduction for Jared, and now he must suffer the consequences of a metaphorical spider bite to the dick that is the stat correction, in maybe the most brutal loss the league has ever seen. Wow. We all thought it was a possibility, but I don’t think anyone believed it was actually going to happen. Since we gave the nod to the “Saint-O-Rama” game for Game of the Week, the “Stat Correction” game still gets a tip of the cap as an honorable mention for being a high scoring battle between two good teams, even with the controversial finish. Still, tough break for our man Jared. Ouchtown, Population: You Bro!
Awards:
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week – Grant beating Kevin 173.5 – 173
See Headlines.
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week Honorable Mention – Jared loses on stat correction to Trevor 161.25 – 162
See Headlines.
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Worst Call of the Week – Jared Plays Titans Defense; scores 3 points in loss to Trevor
In a 1 point defeat, Jared tried streaming a defense after the his former D, (Da-Bears!) had an unfavorable match up against the high powered Falcons offense. I liked the thinking, just terrible execution on who he chose to go with, especially in a less than one point loss. Oh, and the Bears scored 6 points too… Do you realize what you’ve done!?
Shane Falco Best Replacement player Call of the Week – Daniel plays Mike Davis; scores 23.1 points in victory over DW
While this award is typically reserved for those who make great calls to fill in for their star on bye, we are making an exception for Daniel who smartly snagged his #1 overall pick’s replacement off waivers and start him as an injury replacement. He wasn’t afraid to shell out the FAAB, and it was a saavy move of the variety that champions have been known to make. Well done lad! Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.
Gus Bus Best Bench of the Week – Yours truly as Gallup and Lazard go off on bench in tough loss to Tyler
Yeah, it would’ve been a pretty ballsy call to play both receivers on my bench that scored a combined 52.2 points. That said, I definitely considered starting them and it cost me big time by not pulling the trigger as Spicy Dijon (Diontae Johnson), Chris Carson, and Shake-N-Drake (Kenyan) combined for a whopping 20.4 points… For years I have thought the Sun was a monster. I’m here to tell you, It’s not a monster! IT’S NOT A MONSTER!
Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week - Alex for playing the Colts Defense; scores 31 points in Victory over Kyle
In consecutive weeks, Alex, snatches the prestigious smartest call of the week award. In a textbook streaming play, he pivoted to the Colts defense going up against the woeful Jets offense. The move paid off in dividends as Alex effortlessly coasted to a big Week 3 win. How do you like them apples?!
Power Rankings:
1. KenUDigit 3-0; Power Score: 9.6
Grant once again stands atop the Power Rankings for the second week in a row to start the young season. After the miraculous win in the “Saint-O-Rama” game, we can safely say that he has been the class of the league through the first quarter of the year. He is entering 2019 DW territory with a blistering 176.7 points per game and a sterling 23-4 League Record so far. If you couple that with his not so shabby Coach Performance (3rd best at 60.4 points left on the bench) you have yourself a recipe for a season of the ages. Wait, on second thought, I think that might actually just be the recipe for Grandma’s world-famous Mississippi Mud Cheese Potato Pie… I honestly can’t remember at this point.
2. DanielWest 3-0; Power Score: 8.9
Still riding his regular season win streak, which now stands at six in a row, is Daniel-San at number two, following his big scoring bounce back with his star RB out. The staff has to admit, we thought last week could’ve been the start of Daniel’s annual descent down the standings, but he silenced the doubters with an absolute thrashing of DW in Week 3 and now he proudly sits as one of only two undefeated teams. For more one the resilience of Daniel and his unlikely 3-0 start, let’s bring in the one and only Foxy Mama of the sidelines, Erin Andrews, who is standing by live at her Malibu Beach home. Erin, how did Daniel manage to recover from such a brutal injury to McCaffery?
“I don’t know.”
Great stuff as always Erin! Now don’t you spend too much time on that Pelaton, the world needs your sexy ass working those phones to get the inside scoops no one else can provide.
3. Tborgs 2-1; Power Score: 8.3
Dropping one spot into the three hole is Tyler. Proceeding the shellacking he handed my team in Week 3, Tyler most likely is very pleased with his showings to begin the year as he has the 3rd most Points For (499.95), 3rd best League Record (18-9), and 2nd best Coach Performance (59.5 points left on the bench) at this juncture. The question for Tyler is always: Can he maintain the consistency and avoid the close games? In a season filled with multiple games having scoring margins of less than 10 points, including two that were less than one, Tyler has astonishingly managed to avoid being involved in any of them. Will this continue? Let’s just say the staff still isn’t willing to say yes quite yet.
4. AlexAshak 2-1; Power Score: 7.25
As the Power Rankings continue to go chalk with the standings, holding the number four spot for the second week in a row is the Commish. After his Week 1 loss, his team has gone out and put up back to back 174 burgers to get him to his cushy 2-1 mark going into Week 4. The Coach Performance is still lacking as he has left a 80.8 points (Second to last in the league) on his bench through first three games. However, as the wise Fantasy philosophizers once said: If you score 170 points each week, it don’t matter… This has been your fantasy tip of the week.
5. Tspires 2-1; Power Score: 6.6
Well… (*Sighs*) finding his way back to the upper half of the Power Rankings is the Master of Luck and the Voodoo Manipulator himself, Trevor. The facts don’t lie, once again he is pacing the league in points left on his bench with 105.85 and yet he still claims a 2-1 record thanks to a late stat correction gifted to him by the Fantasy Gods. It really is kind of impressive at this point. You know what else is impressive? As Shooter once said, “A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.” So, take it how you will.
6. Jweverstad 1-2; Power Score: 4.8
We can’t overstate enough how absolutely gut wrenching it must have been to have a victory ripped right out from under his nose like an unwanted mustache, but that’s just the way the dildo bends sometimes (#PeopleSayThat). Today, Jared must come to grips that with his defeat as he tumbles down the Power Rankings, coming to rest in the six slot. Through three weeks though, 1-2 is about what he deserves if you ask us. He is 3rd to last in Points For (441.3) has the 4th worst League Record (10-17) and 4th worst Coach Performance (72 points left on the bench). I know the 2-1 record just barely slipped through his hands, but it still wasn’t going to hide what his team really was. You can’t put lipstick on a hog and call it a princess. At the end of the day it’s still a hog.
7. Kshak 0-3; Power Score: 4.7
Surprisingly enough, moving up two spots after the heartbreaking defeat at the hands of Grant is Kevin, sliding into the number seven position for this week’s Power Rankings. Winless on the season, it has been a tough go of it for Big Kev, but he is only 5th in League Record (12-15) and Points For (451.3) while having the best Coach Performance in the League, leaving only 58.5 points on his bench through three weeks of play. On top of that it should be noted that he has had the 3rd most Points Against him (492.9) and has faced the hardest schedule in the league with a combined opponent record of 6-3. So, it should get easier in the weeks to come for Kevin. On second thought, he takes on the second undefeated team in the league, Daniel, in Week 4. So, maybe not so much after all. But you never know…
8. Jressa 1-2; Power Score: 4.55
Turning to my team, it should come as no surprise I am very down on my prospects this year, falling all the way down into the eight spot this week. There just haven’t been a whole lot of positives through three weeks, but we continue to trek along hoping we can shake the funk. After I escaped the injury riddled Week 2 with a big win, I crashed right back down to earth, with two players getting injured and finishing with the second worst output of Week 3 with a pathetic 135.7 points. To make this season even more frustrating, I have the second lowest amount of Points Against in the league (424.95), which is the main reason I fell so low in the Power Rankings. You hate to see it. I have no one else to blame but myself as it looks like my draft just wasn’t as good as years past. As Dr. Rick Marshal once said, “If you don’t make it, it’s your own damn vault.” Ain’t that a bitch slap of truth?
9. KartierKyle 1-2; Power Score: 4.25
Continuing our plunge down the rankings, coming in at number nine is Kyle. We are at the point in the rankings when it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to start throwing stats at you because I can sum them all up in one word: Bad. Kyle’s one glimmer of hope though is that he has had the second most Points Against (498.8) so far, so I guess it’s possible he can turn it around if the high amount of Points Against starts to regress to the mean. But, you know what else is also technically possible? Kevin learning to play guitar and singing a duet with Taylor Swift at the 2028 Grammy Awards. So yeah… we’re not putting our money on that one.
10. DWwarner 0-3; Power Score: 2.9
Finally landing in the cellar of the Power Rankings, we find DW shuddered away in shame with his listless group of Fantasy duds. The 2020 season for DW has been the inverse of his 2019 campaign as, dare I say, he is putting up Kameron-esque numbers through the first three weeks. It’s been an absolute shit show so far, and things are looking worse and worse by the week. Based on his past accomplishments, the staff isn’t ready to pour one out on the former champion’s season, but at this point it is definitely on life support. It’s gonna take a real miracle, and something like… AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH!!!!
“Good morning. This weekend, you will join others from around the league, and you will be launching the largest attempt at a season turn-a-round in the history of Fantasy.
Fantasy. That word should have new meaning for you today. You can’t be consumed by your past accomplishments anymore. You must unite your team in a common interest.
Perhaps it’s fate that you take on Jared, as you fight for freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. You are fighting for your right to live. To exist. And should you win the day, Week 4 will no longer be known as just another week on the schedule, but as the week that you declared in one voice: “I will not go quietly into the night! I will not vanish without a fight! I am going to live on! I am going to survive!” Week 4 you celebrate your way back to Fantasy Relevance!”
Power Rankings:
1. KenUDigit 3-0; Power Score: 9.6
Grant once again stands atop the Power Rankings for the second week in a row to start the young season. After the miraculous win in the “Saint-O-Rama” game, we can safely say that he has been the class of the league through the first quarter of the year. He is entering 2019 DW territory with a blistering 176.7 points per game and a sterling 23-4 League Record so far. If you couple that with his not so shabby Coach Performance (3rd best at 60.4 points left on the bench) you have yourself a recipe for a season of the ages. Wait, on second thought, I think that might actually just be the recipe for Grandma’s world-famous Mississippi Mud Cheese Potato Pie… I honestly can’t remember at this point.
2. DanielWest 3-0; Power Score: 8.9
Still riding his regular season win streak, which now stands at six in a row, is Daniel-San at number two, following his big scoring bounce back with his star RB out. The staff has to admit, we thought last week could’ve been the start of Daniel’s annual descent down the standings, but he silenced the doubters with an absolute thrashing of DW in Week 3 and now he proudly sits as one of only two undefeated teams. For more one the resilience of Daniel and his unlikely 3-0 start, let’s bring in the one and only Foxy Mama of the sidelines, Erin Andrews, who is standing by live at her Malibu Beach home. Erin, how did Daniel manage to recover from such a brutal injury to McCaffery?
“I don’t know.”
Great stuff as always Erin! Now don’t you spend too much time on that Pelaton, the world needs your sexy ass working those phones to get the inside scoops no one else can provide.
3. Tborgs 2-1; Power Score: 8.3
Dropping one spot into the three hole is Tyler. Proceeding the shellacking he handed my team in Week 3, Tyler most likely is very pleased with his showings to begin the year as he has the 3rd most Points For (499.95), 3rd best League Record (18-9), and 2nd best Coach Performance (59.5 points left on the bench) at this juncture. The question for Tyler is always: Can he maintain the consistency and avoid the close games? In a season filled with multiple games having scoring margins of less than 10 points, including two that were less than one, Tyler has astonishingly managed to avoid being involved in any of them. Will this continue? Let’s just say the staff still isn’t willing to say yes quite yet.
4. AlexAshak 2-1; Power Score: 7.25
As the Power Rankings continue to go chalk with the standings, holding the number four spot for the second week in a row is the Commish. After his Week 1 loss, his team has gone out and put up back to back 174 burgers to get him to his cushy 2-1 mark going into Week 4. The Coach Performance is still lacking as he has left a 80.8 points (Second to last in the league) on his bench through first three games. However, as the wise Fantasy philosophizers once said: If you score 170 points each week, it don’t matter… This has been your fantasy tip of the week.
5. Tspires 2-1; Power Score: 6.6
Well… (*Sighs*) finding his way back to the upper half of the Power Rankings is the Master of Luck and the Voodoo Manipulator himself, Trevor. The facts don’t lie, once again he is pacing the league in points left on his bench with 105.85 and yet he still claims a 2-1 record thanks to a late stat correction gifted to him by the Fantasy Gods. It really is kind of impressive at this point. You know what else is impressive? As Shooter once said, “A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.” So, take it how you will.
6. Jweverstad 1-2; Power Score: 4.8
We can’t overstate enough how absolutely gut wrenching it must have been to have a victory ripped right out from under his nose like an unwanted mustache, but that’s just the way the dildo bends sometimes (#PeopleSayThat). Today, Jared must come to grips that with his defeat as he tumbles down the Power Rankings, coming to rest in the six slot. Through three weeks though, 1-2 is about what he deserves if you ask us. He is 3rd to last in Points For (441.3) has the 4th worst League Record (10-17) and 4th worst Coach Performance (72 points left on the bench). I know the 2-1 record just barely slipped through his hands, but it still wasn’t going to hide what his team really was. You can’t put lipstick on a hog and call it a princess. At the end of the day it’s still a hog.
7. Kshak 0-3; Power Score: 4.7
Surprisingly enough, moving up two spots after the heartbreaking defeat at the hands of Grant is Kevin, sliding into the number seven position for this week’s Power Rankings. Winless on the season, it has been a tough go of it for Big Kev, but he is only 5th in League Record (12-15) and Points For (451.3) while having the best Coach Performance in the League, leaving only 58.5 points on his bench through three weeks of play. On top of that it should be noted that he has had the 3rd most Points Against him (492.9) and has faced the hardest schedule in the league with a combined opponent record of 6-3. So, it should get easier in the weeks to come for Kevin. On second thought, he takes on the second undefeated team in the league, Daniel, in Week 4. So, maybe not so much after all. But you never know…
8. Jressa 1-2; Power Score: 4.55
Turning to my team, it should come as no surprise I am very down on my prospects this year, falling all the way down into the eight spot this week. There just haven’t been a whole lot of positives through three weeks, but we continue to trek along hoping we can shake the funk. After I escaped the injury riddled Week 2 with a big win, I crashed right back down to earth, with two players getting injured and finishing with the second worst output of Week 3 with a pathetic 135.7 points. To make this season even more frustrating, I have the second lowest amount of Points Against in the league (424.95), which is the main reason I fell so low in the Power Rankings. You hate to see it. I have no one else to blame but myself as it looks like my draft just wasn’t as good as years past. As Dr. Rick Marshal once said, “If you don’t make it, it’s your own damn vault.” Ain’t that a bitch slap of truth?
9. KartierKyle 1-2; Power Score: 4.25
Continuing our plunge down the rankings, coming in at number nine is Kyle. We are at the point in the rankings when it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to start throwing stats at you because I can sum them all up in one word: Bad. Kyle’s one glimmer of hope though is that he has had the second most Points Against (498.8) so far, so I guess it’s possible he can turn it around if the high amount of Points Against starts to regress to the mean. But, you know what else is also technically possible? Kevin learning to play guitar and singing a duet with Taylor Swift at the 2028 Grammy Awards. So yeah… we’re not putting our money on that one.
10. DWwarner 0-3; Power Score: 2.9
Finally landing in the cellar of the Power Rankings, we find DW shuddered away in shame with his listless group of Fantasy duds. The 2020 season for DW has been the inverse of his 2019 campaign as, dare I say, he is putting up Kameron-esque numbers through the first three weeks. It’s been an absolute shit show so far, and things are looking worse and worse by the week. Based on his past accomplishments, the staff isn’t ready to pour one out on the former champion’s season, but at this point it is definitely on life support. It’s gonna take a real miracle, and something like… AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH!!!!
“Good morning. This weekend, you will join others from around the league, and you will be launching the largest attempt at a season turn-a-round in the history of Fantasy.
Fantasy. That word should have new meaning for you today. You can’t be consumed by your past accomplishments anymore. You must unite your team in a common interest.
Perhaps it’s fate that you take on Jared, as you fight for freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution, but from annihilation. You are fighting for your right to live. To exist. And should you win the day, Week 4 will no longer be known as just another week on the schedule, but as the week that you declared in one voice: “I will not go quietly into the night! I will not vanish without a fight! I am going to live on! I am going to survive!” Week 4 you celebrate your way back to Fantasy Relevance!”
Whew! That'll do it for this week. If you stuck it through to the end, we reached over 5,000 words. Nicely done mates, you can read at a level above a 5th grader! As always, good luck and godspeed in your Week 4 match ups. Until next time, sayonara suckas!
