Week 8 and 9
Passionate Playback
Welcome, welcome, welcome my fellow Fantasy Folk and die hard Swifties! Did you miss me? No? Well good. (*pouty face*) I didn’t either… Any who, Just like that we are officially off and running, fast and furious, in a final sprint to the finish over the last quarter of the season, akin to Jared’s bowels brutally expelling a Papa Murphy’s extra-large double stuffed meat lover’s classic the morning after singlehandedly scarfing down the entirety of one of those bad boys. Just a top-notch mental picture if you ask me… but I digress.
We love to hound the point year after year, but it begs repeating. We take up arms in this honorable call to duty each season, high on the feelings of profound anticipation and aspiration for conquering our league mates in the greatest game known to man, whilst standing atop Title Mountain, belt in one hand and flipping the bird with the other. It’s only natural. However, the season begins, and, creeping slowly out of sight, obscured behind y’all’s thinly veiled dreams of glory, resides the inevitable reality that this shit will in fact come to a bitter end at some point. For nine of you pour souls, it will mean yet another hard fought season without the sweet, sweet taste of that warm syrupy championship nectar ceremoniously ejaculated upon your face. It’s usually about this point where we must reckon with this grim bitch slap of truth.
Though, for the first time maybe ever, with but four weeks left on the schedule, not one single team has been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Further, while Daniel-San, The Commish, and Yours Truly have all just about locked up our spots, the next six teams (sorry, KP) all have very realistic chances to secure a birth into the playoffs. Call it a testament to the expanded playoffs, or just right on par with the craziness of our league this season, but I shit you not, as we make the final turn down the home stretch, we are on the precipice of experiencing a new level of excitement so absurd, it is going to redefine every imaginable level of Fantasy fueled playoff drama we thought possible. Personally, I’m making the switch to the sweatpants now before the Fantasy Action unlike anything our league has every seen before gets too intense, and the extreme stimulation induced in our nether regions over the final weeks requires that extra bit stretchiness. It might behoove you all to consider doing the same. Anyway, I just want to let you all know how very proud and privileged I am to be able say I will be locking hands with each and every one of you, standing side by side in solidarity, as we collectively experience the upcoming waves of supreme euphoric Fantasy Pleasure upon the tip of our rock hard shafts in a spiritually transformative experience that is this historic playoff race. It doesn’t get much better than this, gentlemen. So, after our one-week hiatus, the Passionate Playback Staff (of just me) has triumphantly returned just in time to embed you all with the our one of kind brand of Fantasy Insight and metaphorical genius deep into the yearning loins of y’all so your meagre little brains can comprehend the significance of what is about to transpire. We’ve already fired up the T Siz playlist, we’ve lit the candles, laid down the rose petals, and started filling up the bubble bath with a pleasant aromatic blend of essential oils, Epsom salts, and vanilla extract. So, what are you waiting for? Don’t question it. Just jump on in, and let’s let our inhibitions wash away in pure ecstasy as the seductive lyrics of our main girl set the mood. Playoffs are almost here, baby!! Let’s Goooo!!!
Headlines:
A playoff race for the ages; six teams separated by a single game with four weeks to go
Welp, if you didn’t know, now you know. This playoff race is on like Michelle Kwan. That’s right, men. As will most likely be the focus by the staff as we cover the final quarter of the season, we have Carl, Jared, Tyler, Grant, and Kyle all tied with 4-5 records and battling it out for three playoff spots. That’s before you take into account Kevin, who sits just a single game back from the aforementioned five managers all tied. I really can’t stress enough how unprecedented this scenario is, and that is not even going into the possibility of me and/or Alex struggling down the stretch, because we aren’t definitively in the clear quite yet. Nothing is out of play at this point, and my brain starts to go into an existential overload trying to compute all of the possible scenarios. I mean, even though we’ve totally written off KP, even he could make things interesting if he were to catch lightning in a bottle over the last few games. Looking at it all, the staff doesn’t really have a whole lot of answers for what might happen other than to expect the unexpected. I know, I know, real bold statement right there, but what else do you want from me? I don’t have a crystal ball with all the answers, my guy. If I did, I would probably stop benching Deebo and his nearly 30 point per game average for my bench. Shit’s going to be insane, and we’ll be here to document the wonkiness as it unfolds with the requisite raunchiness and criticism that it deserves. How ‘bout dat!?
Daniel extends his win streak to eight games; takes down me and Carl in Weeks 8 and 9
Well, with everything heating up in terms of the fight for the last few spots into the playoffs, lost in the shuffle a bit is Dan the Man’s meteoric rise this season into a Fantasy Power House. The young man just keeps winning, and has now put himself squarely in striking distance of actually topping my record for longest win streak in league history. That’s right, for those who have forgotten, I have no problem with reminding you all that back in 2019 I ran off 10 straight dubs from Weeks 3-12, a record I figured would stand for a lot longer than two seasons. Of all people to contend with my elite fantasy skills, Daniel was the last person I would have ever expected. On top of that, his next three opponents are Kyle, Jared, and Grant, who are all extremely beatable. So it’s really looking more likely by the week that he is actually going to beat my record win streak. You know what? Fuck it! Dan is going to beat it. I’m calling it now. Congratulations, my dude. Well done on completing one of the toughest things to do in Fantasy Football: consistent winning. It took some luck, but overall your ability to draft a roster that produced such consistency in terms of point production was a thing to behold. I didn’t think you had it in you, but you proved us all wrong. And no, I am totally not trying to reverse jinx you into losing one of your next couple games so I can retain the one thing I’ve accomplished in this league that the rest of you haven’t. That would be petty and immature, and I am above that.
Awards:
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of Week’s 8 and 9 – Grant for two pitiful losses to Tyler and Jared
It’s been a long time since we’ve seen almost surgical displays of some pure, undiluted fantasy shittiness. And to do it in back to back weeks? What are the odds? I mean, this is some Kam level shit we are talking about here, and Grant didn’t let us down by paying tribute to the league’s favorite punching bag of yesteryear, doing his best impersonation of our old friend by carding 90.4 and 79.85 points respectively. To put that in perspective, Grant’s last two weeks have combined to produce 170.25 points, which has been eclipsed 14 times this season in a single week by a manager, four of which were by Alex. Additionally, his Week 8 total was the league’s lowest output in any week for a manager to that point… until Week 9 came… and he scored even less. The previous lowest scoring game by any manager coming into Week’s 8 and 9, you ask? That would be Grant as well. Still, the sudden tailspin he now finds himself in is actually quite inexplicable when you think about how he was going into Week 8 flying high with a three-game winning streak while the staff was singing his praises. You just hate to see it. You know I have a hormone disorder!
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Worst Call of the Week’s 8 and 9 – Tyler benching Melvin Gordon and James Connor in his Week 9 loss to Daniel
This one was admittedly a tough call, but ultimately we felt a responsibility to dole out the worst call award in light of the fact he could have taken down Daniel. In fairness, you could say the same thing about me if I had just played Deebo in lieu of starting Jefferson against Dan in Week 8, but the difference is Jefferson had been a top 10 fantasy receiver to that point in the season. Tyler, on the other hand, decided to leave two top 15 running backs chilling on the ole’ pine to be able to play the perennial fantasy stud, Jakobi Meyers. You know, the same guy who in three years in the league hasn’t scored a SINGLE touchdown. Not. One. Maybe Tyler’s logic was he was due? I don’t know, but I guess when you get the chance to play the 36th ranked fantasy receiver, you can’t let that opportunity pass. Well Jokobi ineveitably put up a whopping 1.8 points while Connor and Gordon combined for 56.8 points. Either one of them would have given Tyler the win… We got no food, we got no jobs… OUR PET’S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!!
Power Rankings:
The Front Runners
1. AlexAshak 6-3; Power Score: 8.85
Maybe a surprise to some, but grabbing the pole position away from Daniel in the Power Rankings this week is the Commish and his white hot team of Fantasy Stars. It’s been no secret, but Alex has been on one of the greatest tears in league history of late, taking home the highest scoring team three weeks in a row (I don’t believe that’s ever happened before) from Week’s 6-8 and the third highest scoring team in Week 9. This has all added up to a four-game winning streak, vaulting him straight to the top of Power Rankings and firmly in second place of the standings due to his league best 1446.7 points scored. No other team has managed 1400 total points either. It probably isn’t a shocking revelation to you either then that he has actually surpassed Daniel with his league record, claiming the top one in the league for that as well with a sterling a 59-22 mark. Moreover, even with a 128.5 point effort in his Week 9 tilt with Tyler, he has averaged 168.15 points per game over the last four weeks. While not otherworldly by any means (DW’s start to 2019 comes to mind as the best), what is mind bottling is comparing it to everybody else. His average is 30 more points per game better than the rest of the league, as everyone else over that time period is averaging 139.05 points per game. No other way to put it other than sheer domination by the Commish. Kudos to him. Can he keep up this furious pace though? ‘Tis the real question, my friends. ‘Tis the real question.
2. DanielWest 8-1; Power Score: 8.15
Well, in terms of the one thing that matters most… winning, we find the actual hottest team in the league, Daniel-San at number two. His performance over the past few weeks has seen a slight dip in point production, but he still retains the second-best League Record at 55-26. That and his league best 8-1 overall record are propelling him up this high in the standings because his 4th best Points For (1348.3) and least amount of Points Against (1196.45) are costing him from preserving his stronghold over the number one position in the Power Rankings. Yet, if you asked Daniel, I doubt he cares, because an eight game winning streak is nothing to scoff at, and, at this juncture, he definitely has hopes for much, much more. So, with that, let’s go down live to the sidelines to someone who knows a thing or two about hotness, Fantasy’s Foxiest Mama, Erin Andrews. Erin, how hot is Daniel’s team?
“If they were any hotter, they’d be dating Pete Davidson.”
Whoah, Erin’s got the jokes this week. Good stuff as usual, sweetheart. Now don’t work yourself too hard. We’d hate to see that fine little ass of yours not at your best.
The Probably Good Team
3. Jressa 6-3; Power Score: 7.6
Stumbling in at third in the Power Rankings this week is Yours Truly, and my rapidly deteriorating Fantasy Team. It’s been rather obvious I have hit quite the snag of late, and it was nothing short of an absolute gift from the Fantasy Gods I was matched up with Kyle in Week 9, or I’d be reeling from back to back losses. After I had not scored less than 138 points all season, I failed to eclipse 125 in my last two contests, dropping one to Daniel and barely skating by Kyle in the other. I still have a respectable third most Points For (1356.55) and third best League Record (48-33), but my ungodly 268.5 points left on the bench this season is just comically terrible and dead fucking last in the league. In what started out as a fun little running joke on my managerial prowess for most of the season has turned into a serious issue and a glaring deficiency that may prevent me from completing my revenge tour this year. There have been seven teams who have left 100 less points on the bench than me this season. SEVEN. The next closest manager to me is Tyler, who has left over 60 points less than me this season on his bench, and, as we noted earlier, most of that came last week against Daniel. None of what I just laid out is ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m still 6-3. So if I can rectify my suddenly impotent roster by popping into my local Boots for some of those highly regulated U.K. Viagra knock offs, I can hopefully erect what was once one of the best teams in the league. Orrrr I might just be fucked. Probably fucked, but we’re going to hope for the best.
The Muddled Middle
4. Jweverstad 4-5; Power Score: 7.3
Coming in at fourth in the rankings, we have the enigmatic extraordinaire and Mr. Disgruntled himself, Jared. It has been a brutal season for the once proud Fantasy Manager by his standards, but ultimately the staff probably feels the best about his chances among the grouping of 4-5 teams going forward, based mainly on a few factors. For one, he has the league’s second highest Points For, netting a superb total of 1386.25 points thus far. It’s true that as little as a week ago, we may not have said this about Jared after his heartbreaking 2-point defeat to KP’s abysmal team, and it honestly seemed like a possible death knell to his chances this season. However, he rebounded with the grit and determination of a true playoff bound manager by ending his three-game skid and firing off a massive 163.3 points, in a week no one could seem to score, to trounce Grant and move up to fourth in the standings and Power Rankings. It should be noted too, his schedule to finish the season is one of the easiest. Save for his Week 11 tilt against Daniel, having Kyle, Kevin, and Tyler left on the slate is about as easy of a trio of opponents you can ask for. So, the path to the playoffs in our minds is quite clear if he can make a timely visit to Gendry down at King’s Landing and get that Charge-o-blade sharpened up real good so he can start slicing and dicing his opponents up on his way to the playoffs. Adding in the Dak Attack, JT, and the Chubbmeister, isn’t a bad formula either to make some noise if he does get in. Time’s running out, but he’s once again in prime position.
5. Cholgerson34 4-5; Power Score: 5.65
Moving down the rankings, finding himself now in the number five hole, is the Newbie Manager, Carl. It’s been an interesting year to this point for Car, as he started out as the best team through three weeks, only to take on the persona of the fantasy version of Carl from the movie Yes Man. We’ve postulated, that much like the Yes Man Carl, his reckless decision making and penchant for just saying “Yes” to any and all trades and waiver additions at an alarming rate could have been what catalyzed this free fall for the league’s early season dream team. Since his 3-0 start, from Week 4 until now he carries with him an absolutely repulsive 1-5 record, good for, you guessed it, worst in the league. Even KP and Kyle have two wins over the span. His per game average over that period is a nauseating 126.48 as well, which is second worst over that time frame, only slightly better than Grant’s 120.48 points per game. It goes without saying that all my optimism for the Newbie Manager coming in and taking the league by storm has all but been depleted. The good news is there is still time to right the ship, but his numbers over the past month and a half seem to be the giant crack in the hull taking on hundreds of gallons of water by the second. You might want to pay attention to those giant red blinking lights and warning sirens, my dude. Just saying.
6. Tborgs4 4-5; Power Score: 5.6
Sliding into the number six slot of the rankings, we have Tyler, and yet another enigma of a team. His Jekyll and Hyde act continues on in full force, as he claimed back to back wins after bottoming out to dead last in the Power Rankings following Week 6. Then, he swiftly went out in Week 9 and laid an egg against Alex, mustering up a wretched 116.8 points. He has the fourth worst amount of Points For (1254.3), the second worst Coach Performance (204.75 points left on the board), and third least Points Against (1279.45), making him the only manager to be in the bottom half of the league in all three of those categories. His saving grace is the fact that he has the 5th best League Record (42-39), and he is one of only three managers to have the highest scoring team distinction in multiple weeks (Alex has done it four times, and Jared twice). Still, he finds himself right in the race to make the playoffs with just four weeks left. So, can he get his team going in time? I honestly don’t know. I do know it’s going to take a lot more than some bulletin board material and a motivational speech if he wants to make some magic happen though.
7. KenUdigit 4-5; Power Score: 4.65
Finding himself down in the number seven spot of the rankings, we have Grant, who the staff has already laid into pretty good this week. So in lieu of a continuing an onslaught of ripping into the reigning champion for dismal Fantasy Play, we wanted to take this time eulogize Grant’s pristinely clean and jizz free shorts. Cue up the Jenny of Oldstones.
“Oh dearest shorts of Grant, you’ve been a shining beacon of light in the darkest of Fantasy Days, for all those who play thy hallowed game. In the midst of heated battle, it was just a season ago, when we could look at your beautiful microfiber lining and see the stains a plenty that signified a time when point scoring and ejaculatory fluids, working in perfect harmony, captivated our league and gave hope to all those who played. You were a symbol of righteousness and joy. Nothing was more evident than how you perfectly encapsulated the epitome of all that was pure and wholesome in our league. A true pioneer, you blazed your own path and never relented in the your unwavering vision of a league fortunate enough to have everyone able to don a pair of shorts riddled with the same amount of secreted juices as you. As you rest in peace underneath Grant’s bed, lifeless and bare, untouched from the mountains of splooge you once were showered with routinely, we just want you to know… You may be gone, old friend, but goddamnit, you will never be forgotten!”
The Bottom Tier:
8. KartierKyle 4-5; Power Score: 4.55
9. Kshak 3-6; Power Score: 4.3
10BigPapaPump92 2-7; Power Score: 3.3
Welp, as the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say then you should probably not say anything at all. That’s kind of where we are with these three managers. Okay, I actually love to lay it on thick with the pen of fury, but to be quite frank, I just couldn’t drum up the effort to really break down anymore shittiness this week. We all know the checkered past the staff has with both Kyle and Kevin, so we’ll spare you all from our true thoughts about their teams for this edition of the Passionate Playback. We will mention that Kevin did get highest scoring team last week… So, that was cool. And KP won in Week 8 too. Rad! But yeah, that’s about the best I got. Nothing to see here, folks. Just keep moving.
Well, my Fantasy Friends and Swifty-ites, that is going to be a wrap for this week. It felt good to be back again to recap all the action from the last few weeks. It’s going to be one hell of a ride to close out the season, and we can’t wait to relive it with you all by tacking on the harsh criticism to those who fail miserably in the only way we know how. Oh... and we’ll give credit where credit is due as well. But, until next time, we wish everyone good luck in their upcoming battles on the virtual gridiron. This has been the Passionate Playback staff from foggy England. Deuces, y’all!
Welcome, welcome, welcome my fellow Fantasy Folk and die hard Swifties! Did you miss me? No? Well good. (*pouty face*) I didn’t either… Any who, Just like that we are officially off and running, fast and furious, in a final sprint to the finish over the last quarter of the season, akin to Jared’s bowels brutally expelling a Papa Murphy’s extra-large double stuffed meat lover’s classic the morning after singlehandedly scarfing down the entirety of one of those bad boys. Just a top-notch mental picture if you ask me… but I digress.
We love to hound the point year after year, but it begs repeating. We take up arms in this honorable call to duty each season, high on the feelings of profound anticipation and aspiration for conquering our league mates in the greatest game known to man, whilst standing atop Title Mountain, belt in one hand and flipping the bird with the other. It’s only natural. However, the season begins, and, creeping slowly out of sight, obscured behind y’all’s thinly veiled dreams of glory, resides the inevitable reality that this shit will in fact come to a bitter end at some point. For nine of you pour souls, it will mean yet another hard fought season without the sweet, sweet taste of that warm syrupy championship nectar ceremoniously ejaculated upon your face. It’s usually about this point where we must reckon with this grim bitch slap of truth.
Though, for the first time maybe ever, with but four weeks left on the schedule, not one single team has been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Further, while Daniel-San, The Commish, and Yours Truly have all just about locked up our spots, the next six teams (sorry, KP) all have very realistic chances to secure a birth into the playoffs. Call it a testament to the expanded playoffs, or just right on par with the craziness of our league this season, but I shit you not, as we make the final turn down the home stretch, we are on the precipice of experiencing a new level of excitement so absurd, it is going to redefine every imaginable level of Fantasy fueled playoff drama we thought possible. Personally, I’m making the switch to the sweatpants now before the Fantasy Action unlike anything our league has every seen before gets too intense, and the extreme stimulation induced in our nether regions over the final weeks requires that extra bit stretchiness. It might behoove you all to consider doing the same. Anyway, I just want to let you all know how very proud and privileged I am to be able say I will be locking hands with each and every one of you, standing side by side in solidarity, as we collectively experience the upcoming waves of supreme euphoric Fantasy Pleasure upon the tip of our rock hard shafts in a spiritually transformative experience that is this historic playoff race. It doesn’t get much better than this, gentlemen. So, after our one-week hiatus, the Passionate Playback Staff (of just me) has triumphantly returned just in time to embed you all with the our one of kind brand of Fantasy Insight and metaphorical genius deep into the yearning loins of y’all so your meagre little brains can comprehend the significance of what is about to transpire. We’ve already fired up the T Siz playlist, we’ve lit the candles, laid down the rose petals, and started filling up the bubble bath with a pleasant aromatic blend of essential oils, Epsom salts, and vanilla extract. So, what are you waiting for? Don’t question it. Just jump on in, and let’s let our inhibitions wash away in pure ecstasy as the seductive lyrics of our main girl set the mood. Playoffs are almost here, baby!! Let’s Goooo!!!
Headlines:
A playoff race for the ages; six teams separated by a single game with four weeks to go
Welp, if you didn’t know, now you know. This playoff race is on like Michelle Kwan. That’s right, men. As will most likely be the focus by the staff as we cover the final quarter of the season, we have Carl, Jared, Tyler, Grant, and Kyle all tied with 4-5 records and battling it out for three playoff spots. That’s before you take into account Kevin, who sits just a single game back from the aforementioned five managers all tied. I really can’t stress enough how unprecedented this scenario is, and that is not even going into the possibility of me and/or Alex struggling down the stretch, because we aren’t definitively in the clear quite yet. Nothing is out of play at this point, and my brain starts to go into an existential overload trying to compute all of the possible scenarios. I mean, even though we’ve totally written off KP, even he could make things interesting if he were to catch lightning in a bottle over the last few games. Looking at it all, the staff doesn’t really have a whole lot of answers for what might happen other than to expect the unexpected. I know, I know, real bold statement right there, but what else do you want from me? I don’t have a crystal ball with all the answers, my guy. If I did, I would probably stop benching Deebo and his nearly 30 point per game average for my bench. Shit’s going to be insane, and we’ll be here to document the wonkiness as it unfolds with the requisite raunchiness and criticism that it deserves. How ‘bout dat!?
Daniel extends his win streak to eight games; takes down me and Carl in Weeks 8 and 9
Well, with everything heating up in terms of the fight for the last few spots into the playoffs, lost in the shuffle a bit is Dan the Man’s meteoric rise this season into a Fantasy Power House. The young man just keeps winning, and has now put himself squarely in striking distance of actually topping my record for longest win streak in league history. That’s right, for those who have forgotten, I have no problem with reminding you all that back in 2019 I ran off 10 straight dubs from Weeks 3-12, a record I figured would stand for a lot longer than two seasons. Of all people to contend with my elite fantasy skills, Daniel was the last person I would have ever expected. On top of that, his next three opponents are Kyle, Jared, and Grant, who are all extremely beatable. So it’s really looking more likely by the week that he is actually going to beat my record win streak. You know what? Fuck it! Dan is going to beat it. I’m calling it now. Congratulations, my dude. Well done on completing one of the toughest things to do in Fantasy Football: consistent winning. It took some luck, but overall your ability to draft a roster that produced such consistency in terms of point production was a thing to behold. I didn’t think you had it in you, but you proved us all wrong. And no, I am totally not trying to reverse jinx you into losing one of your next couple games so I can retain the one thing I’ve accomplished in this league that the rest of you haven’t. That would be petty and immature, and I am above that.
Awards:
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of Week’s 8 and 9 – Grant for two pitiful losses to Tyler and Jared
It’s been a long time since we’ve seen almost surgical displays of some pure, undiluted fantasy shittiness. And to do it in back to back weeks? What are the odds? I mean, this is some Kam level shit we are talking about here, and Grant didn’t let us down by paying tribute to the league’s favorite punching bag of yesteryear, doing his best impersonation of our old friend by carding 90.4 and 79.85 points respectively. To put that in perspective, Grant’s last two weeks have combined to produce 170.25 points, which has been eclipsed 14 times this season in a single week by a manager, four of which were by Alex. Additionally, his Week 8 total was the league’s lowest output in any week for a manager to that point… until Week 9 came… and he scored even less. The previous lowest scoring game by any manager coming into Week’s 8 and 9, you ask? That would be Grant as well. Still, the sudden tailspin he now finds himself in is actually quite inexplicable when you think about how he was going into Week 8 flying high with a three-game winning streak while the staff was singing his praises. You just hate to see it. You know I have a hormone disorder!
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Worst Call of the Week’s 8 and 9 – Tyler benching Melvin Gordon and James Connor in his Week 9 loss to Daniel
This one was admittedly a tough call, but ultimately we felt a responsibility to dole out the worst call award in light of the fact he could have taken down Daniel. In fairness, you could say the same thing about me if I had just played Deebo in lieu of starting Jefferson against Dan in Week 8, but the difference is Jefferson had been a top 10 fantasy receiver to that point in the season. Tyler, on the other hand, decided to leave two top 15 running backs chilling on the ole’ pine to be able to play the perennial fantasy stud, Jakobi Meyers. You know, the same guy who in three years in the league hasn’t scored a SINGLE touchdown. Not. One. Maybe Tyler’s logic was he was due? I don’t know, but I guess when you get the chance to play the 36th ranked fantasy receiver, you can’t let that opportunity pass. Well Jokobi ineveitably put up a whopping 1.8 points while Connor and Gordon combined for 56.8 points. Either one of them would have given Tyler the win… We got no food, we got no jobs… OUR PET’S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!!
Power Rankings:
The Front Runners
1. AlexAshak 6-3; Power Score: 8.85
Maybe a surprise to some, but grabbing the pole position away from Daniel in the Power Rankings this week is the Commish and his white hot team of Fantasy Stars. It’s been no secret, but Alex has been on one of the greatest tears in league history of late, taking home the highest scoring team three weeks in a row (I don’t believe that’s ever happened before) from Week’s 6-8 and the third highest scoring team in Week 9. This has all added up to a four-game winning streak, vaulting him straight to the top of Power Rankings and firmly in second place of the standings due to his league best 1446.7 points scored. No other team has managed 1400 total points either. It probably isn’t a shocking revelation to you either then that he has actually surpassed Daniel with his league record, claiming the top one in the league for that as well with a sterling a 59-22 mark. Moreover, even with a 128.5 point effort in his Week 9 tilt with Tyler, he has averaged 168.15 points per game over the last four weeks. While not otherworldly by any means (DW’s start to 2019 comes to mind as the best), what is mind bottling is comparing it to everybody else. His average is 30 more points per game better than the rest of the league, as everyone else over that time period is averaging 139.05 points per game. No other way to put it other than sheer domination by the Commish. Kudos to him. Can he keep up this furious pace though? ‘Tis the real question, my friends. ‘Tis the real question.
2. DanielWest 8-1; Power Score: 8.15
Well, in terms of the one thing that matters most… winning, we find the actual hottest team in the league, Daniel-San at number two. His performance over the past few weeks has seen a slight dip in point production, but he still retains the second-best League Record at 55-26. That and his league best 8-1 overall record are propelling him up this high in the standings because his 4th best Points For (1348.3) and least amount of Points Against (1196.45) are costing him from preserving his stronghold over the number one position in the Power Rankings. Yet, if you asked Daniel, I doubt he cares, because an eight game winning streak is nothing to scoff at, and, at this juncture, he definitely has hopes for much, much more. So, with that, let’s go down live to the sidelines to someone who knows a thing or two about hotness, Fantasy’s Foxiest Mama, Erin Andrews. Erin, how hot is Daniel’s team?
“If they were any hotter, they’d be dating Pete Davidson.”
Whoah, Erin’s got the jokes this week. Good stuff as usual, sweetheart. Now don’t work yourself too hard. We’d hate to see that fine little ass of yours not at your best.
The Probably Good Team
3. Jressa 6-3; Power Score: 7.6
Stumbling in at third in the Power Rankings this week is Yours Truly, and my rapidly deteriorating Fantasy Team. It’s been rather obvious I have hit quite the snag of late, and it was nothing short of an absolute gift from the Fantasy Gods I was matched up with Kyle in Week 9, or I’d be reeling from back to back losses. After I had not scored less than 138 points all season, I failed to eclipse 125 in my last two contests, dropping one to Daniel and barely skating by Kyle in the other. I still have a respectable third most Points For (1356.55) and third best League Record (48-33), but my ungodly 268.5 points left on the bench this season is just comically terrible and dead fucking last in the league. In what started out as a fun little running joke on my managerial prowess for most of the season has turned into a serious issue and a glaring deficiency that may prevent me from completing my revenge tour this year. There have been seven teams who have left 100 less points on the bench than me this season. SEVEN. The next closest manager to me is Tyler, who has left over 60 points less than me this season on his bench, and, as we noted earlier, most of that came last week against Daniel. None of what I just laid out is ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m still 6-3. So if I can rectify my suddenly impotent roster by popping into my local Boots for some of those highly regulated U.K. Viagra knock offs, I can hopefully erect what was once one of the best teams in the league. Orrrr I might just be fucked. Probably fucked, but we’re going to hope for the best.
The Muddled Middle
4. Jweverstad 4-5; Power Score: 7.3
Coming in at fourth in the rankings, we have the enigmatic extraordinaire and Mr. Disgruntled himself, Jared. It has been a brutal season for the once proud Fantasy Manager by his standards, but ultimately the staff probably feels the best about his chances among the grouping of 4-5 teams going forward, based mainly on a few factors. For one, he has the league’s second highest Points For, netting a superb total of 1386.25 points thus far. It’s true that as little as a week ago, we may not have said this about Jared after his heartbreaking 2-point defeat to KP’s abysmal team, and it honestly seemed like a possible death knell to his chances this season. However, he rebounded with the grit and determination of a true playoff bound manager by ending his three-game skid and firing off a massive 163.3 points, in a week no one could seem to score, to trounce Grant and move up to fourth in the standings and Power Rankings. It should be noted too, his schedule to finish the season is one of the easiest. Save for his Week 11 tilt against Daniel, having Kyle, Kevin, and Tyler left on the slate is about as easy of a trio of opponents you can ask for. So, the path to the playoffs in our minds is quite clear if he can make a timely visit to Gendry down at King’s Landing and get that Charge-o-blade sharpened up real good so he can start slicing and dicing his opponents up on his way to the playoffs. Adding in the Dak Attack, JT, and the Chubbmeister, isn’t a bad formula either to make some noise if he does get in. Time’s running out, but he’s once again in prime position.
5. Cholgerson34 4-5; Power Score: 5.65
Moving down the rankings, finding himself now in the number five hole, is the Newbie Manager, Carl. It’s been an interesting year to this point for Car, as he started out as the best team through three weeks, only to take on the persona of the fantasy version of Carl from the movie Yes Man. We’ve postulated, that much like the Yes Man Carl, his reckless decision making and penchant for just saying “Yes” to any and all trades and waiver additions at an alarming rate could have been what catalyzed this free fall for the league’s early season dream team. Since his 3-0 start, from Week 4 until now he carries with him an absolutely repulsive 1-5 record, good for, you guessed it, worst in the league. Even KP and Kyle have two wins over the span. His per game average over that period is a nauseating 126.48 as well, which is second worst over that time frame, only slightly better than Grant’s 120.48 points per game. It goes without saying that all my optimism for the Newbie Manager coming in and taking the league by storm has all but been depleted. The good news is there is still time to right the ship, but his numbers over the past month and a half seem to be the giant crack in the hull taking on hundreds of gallons of water by the second. You might want to pay attention to those giant red blinking lights and warning sirens, my dude. Just saying.
6. Tborgs4 4-5; Power Score: 5.6
Sliding into the number six slot of the rankings, we have Tyler, and yet another enigma of a team. His Jekyll and Hyde act continues on in full force, as he claimed back to back wins after bottoming out to dead last in the Power Rankings following Week 6. Then, he swiftly went out in Week 9 and laid an egg against Alex, mustering up a wretched 116.8 points. He has the fourth worst amount of Points For (1254.3), the second worst Coach Performance (204.75 points left on the board), and third least Points Against (1279.45), making him the only manager to be in the bottom half of the league in all three of those categories. His saving grace is the fact that he has the 5th best League Record (42-39), and he is one of only three managers to have the highest scoring team distinction in multiple weeks (Alex has done it four times, and Jared twice). Still, he finds himself right in the race to make the playoffs with just four weeks left. So, can he get his team going in time? I honestly don’t know. I do know it’s going to take a lot more than some bulletin board material and a motivational speech if he wants to make some magic happen though.
7. KenUdigit 4-5; Power Score: 4.65
Finding himself down in the number seven spot of the rankings, we have Grant, who the staff has already laid into pretty good this week. So in lieu of a continuing an onslaught of ripping into the reigning champion for dismal Fantasy Play, we wanted to take this time eulogize Grant’s pristinely clean and jizz free shorts. Cue up the Jenny of Oldstones.
“Oh dearest shorts of Grant, you’ve been a shining beacon of light in the darkest of Fantasy Days, for all those who play thy hallowed game. In the midst of heated battle, it was just a season ago, when we could look at your beautiful microfiber lining and see the stains a plenty that signified a time when point scoring and ejaculatory fluids, working in perfect harmony, captivated our league and gave hope to all those who played. You were a symbol of righteousness and joy. Nothing was more evident than how you perfectly encapsulated the epitome of all that was pure and wholesome in our league. A true pioneer, you blazed your own path and never relented in the your unwavering vision of a league fortunate enough to have everyone able to don a pair of shorts riddled with the same amount of secreted juices as you. As you rest in peace underneath Grant’s bed, lifeless and bare, untouched from the mountains of splooge you once were showered with routinely, we just want you to know… You may be gone, old friend, but goddamnit, you will never be forgotten!”
The Bottom Tier:
8. KartierKyle 4-5; Power Score: 4.55
9. Kshak 3-6; Power Score: 4.3
10BigPapaPump92 2-7; Power Score: 3.3
Welp, as the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say then you should probably not say anything at all. That’s kind of where we are with these three managers. Okay, I actually love to lay it on thick with the pen of fury, but to be quite frank, I just couldn’t drum up the effort to really break down anymore shittiness this week. We all know the checkered past the staff has with both Kyle and Kevin, so we’ll spare you all from our true thoughts about their teams for this edition of the Passionate Playback. We will mention that Kevin did get highest scoring team last week… So, that was cool. And KP won in Week 8 too. Rad! But yeah, that’s about the best I got. Nothing to see here, folks. Just keep moving.
Well, my Fantasy Friends and Swifty-ites, that is going to be a wrap for this week. It felt good to be back again to recap all the action from the last few weeks. It’s going to be one hell of a ride to close out the season, and we can’t wait to relive it with you all by tacking on the harsh criticism to those who fail miserably in the only way we know how. Oh... and we’ll give credit where credit is due as well. But, until next time, we wish everyone good luck in their upcoming battles on the virtual gridiron. This has been the Passionate Playback staff from foggy England. Deuces, y’all!
