Week 1
Passionate Playback:
Greetings my dear league mates and fellow devotees to the Swifty movement! It is I, leader of the Passionate Playback staff, and the one they call the authority of alliteration, the connoisseur of criticism, and the master of metaphor, back again and coming at you hotter than an Erin Andrews Playboy cover shoot. Whether you prevailed in a triumphant Week 1 dub, or you suffered a vicious back breaking defeat as your team was suplexed from the stratosphere so violently it’s fragmented spine could be repurposed as a slinky, we care not of results. All we care about is the glorious return of Football. Thus, we extend to you the grandest of welcomings to the first of many fantastic editions of the Passionate Playback 2022, and we offer but a single sentiment to share with you all: Fantasy. Is. Back. That’s right, gentlemen. While we waited and waited, through the innumerable days of monotony that is the football offseason, convincing ourselves that we could live just fine without having our weekends filled deep to the brim with the warm, sticky, gooey goodness of Fantasy Excitement we so desperately craved. Our minds shapeshifted into Simone Bile’s level mental gymnasts, tricking ourselves that we could live peacefully, free of this silly game we call Fantasy Football. When Sunday evening (yes, games start in the evening for me, I don’t care if the rest of you are in the states) rolled around, and Scott Hanson vehemently declared “7 Hours of Commercial Free Football Starts… NOW!” I would be lying if I didn’t get a little bit choked up. It is not until that exact moment arrives, do most of us realize how badly we miss football. And by God was it beautiful to behold. I hope for all y’all sake you took in all the excitement, sloshed it around in your mouth a bit, and really savored the taste of a fresh football season unloaded upon you by the Fantasy Gods. I know I say it every year, but the season zooms right by our noses faster than Jared can claim “Fantasy is Rigged”, and before we blink, it’s January and we’re facing another dreadful offseason. For now though, I think it warrants a celebration. Fantasy has returned and the new T Siz single is already fired up on the playlist. So, go grab that thirty rack of brewskis chilling in the back of the fridge, plop down the lawn chair on the front porch, turn the knob to full blast on the new Bose portable speakers, and blare that T Sizzle for all the neighbors to hear while you get drunk to the musical stylings of our main girl singing the soundtrack to Fantasy. Just smile and wave boys. We are on to Week 2, and we haven’t a care in the world. Let’s get it!!! Hit it, T Siz!!
♪♫♩♪♬
I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous game"
It was the first week, never will forget how I came
The whole league was set for good times
And we were dancing, dancing
Like we're made of starlight
Like we're made of starlight
I met Patty on the draft night, round of 4 or 5
Picked him up, late on clock, at the last sec,
It was nicotine and crazy, picking wild, wild
Can't remember what team he was playing when he went off
The night we stuck it to Jared’s team
Pretending to be a champion ever since
And I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous game"
It was the best week, never would forget how we cruised.
My whole team was catching those dimes,
And I was dancing, dancing
Like I’m made of starlight, starlight
Like I’m made of starlight, starlight
Headlines:
Big Kev pulls the switch-a-roo; defeats Alex in shocking Week 1 upset in the Ashak Bowl
How many times have we seen it? Coming into the matchup, Kev was winless over the last two years against his little brother (0-4). On top of that, Alex, the best regular season team over the last three years, was the clear favorite and obviously primed to take down Big Kev once more. However, in a twist of fate, it was Alex who threw up the Week 1 dud, barely topping 115 points in a pitiful performance where only two of his players put up more than 20 points (Jalen Hurts and AJ Dillon). This isn’t to mention, five of his starters didn’t even eclipse 10 freaking points. It was a very Kevin like performance for the Commish, one that little saw coming. On the flip side, Big Kev, did his best Alex impression, carding a nifty 150 points in the winning effort. Riding his main horses Joshy Woshy at QB and Davante at WR, their combined 70.55 points was the difference in the massive Week 1 victory for Big Kev. It was almost like Kev stole Alex’s Fantasy Acumen. I mean for once, Kev didn’t even draft a defense before the 10th round, and he smartly put in a wavier claim for Najee’s backup when he had an injury scare. Is this the same Kevin we have been playing against all these years? I’m at a loss for words. The Commish just showed up to Week 1 only to find out Kevin just crudely pasted his name over his on the list of championship contenders…
Yours truly pulls off third ever Super Quad in Week 1 thrashing of Jared
Well, what a week it was for me. Still trying to shake off the bad juju from the brutal ending to last season as I succumbed to Daniel’s unreal championship performance, denying me of my first ever championship, it wouldn’t be stretching the truth to say that I was nervous to make the climb again. That nervousness was quickly shed after my team performed valiantly in one of the best Week 1 showings of all time, capturing what we dubbed as the “Super Quad” in 2019, for the third time in league history. Alex and I had been the only other teams to achieve that feat to this point. Now I have done it twice, being the highest scoring team, most efficient manager, win the biggest blowout, and be the highest overachiever in terms of our projected score, all in a single week. The combo of Saquon and Patty (81.9 points combined) proved lethal to Jared’s chances, and are looking like they are going to shape up as one of the deadliest QB/RB tandems in the league. How does it feel you ask? Like I have two cocks… if one of them could kill you.
Turning to Jared, well I’m sure the anger was flowing through his veins last Sunday. It was a pathetic performance to say the least. Only Jerry Jeudy was able to notch a point total above 20 points, and that was after he was well out of reach from topping my colossal point scoring outburst. This was all made even worse by the fact he didn’t even start Micheal Thomas, opting to go with Sammy Watkins, and James Robinson snaked two touchdowns away from his prized third round sleeper pick, Travis Etienne. I mean, it was bad from the get-go, and it just got worse as the day went on. He finished as the lowest scoring team in the league for Week 1, and now I’m positive he is sitting around, rage filled, and trying to figure out how he is going to bounce back. Someone, better go check on him. My bet, it will probably go a little something like this…
KP, Carl can’t rebound from last season; both still adjusting to new league in Week 1 losses
Our two newbies didn’t get off to great starts on their 2022 campaigns, both suffering defeats at the hands of Daniel and Tyler. Again, this isn’t a promising sign for the two newest managers as they continue their struggles from last year into Week 1, throwing gas into the fire on the narrative that they don’t have the chops to compete in a league of such skilled Fantasy Managers. Both KP and Carl wound up with less than 136 points (135.8 and 129.9 respectively), while their competition didn’t necessarily wow us either in Week 1. Tyler put up a respectable 156.95 points, but Daniel didn’t even crack 150, as he squeaked by KP with a 146.95 point effort. I try to figure out why they struggle so badly, with now a combined record of 9-23 since the start of last year, and I honestly don’t have any answers. Then something occurred to me: KP and Carl don’t have the faintest idea what it’s like to play in our league yet. If I asked them about waivers they’d probably quote Mathew Berry or Field Yates, but they don’t know what it’s like to pick someone up who wins them a couple weeks purely off of their gut feeling. They don’t know what heartbreak is after dominating the regular season only to watch helplessly as their team falls apart in the playoffs. They wouldn’t know the first thing about that because they haven’t been in the league. I think Robin Williams sums it up best…
Daniel, Grant regain championship form in big Week 1 wins
First, we turn to Grant, our 2020 champion who lost his winning touch last year to finish dead last in the regular season standings. We talked at great lengths about the splooge filled shorts Grant ceremoniously dawned each Sunday of the 2020 season, as he defined what it meant to be a multi orgasmic dynamo, breaking records for cumming time and time again as his team dominated from start to finish that year. While his shorts remained dry for the vast majority of 2021, this season has started off remarkably well, notching a cool 171.25 points on the back of his main horse, Cooper Kupp-o-coffee and the Bills D (54.8 points between the two). It’s seems as if this year, Grant may not have a care in the world, no longer splooging in his shorts, but rather just cumming whenever and wherever he wants….
When we look at Dan the Man, once again he snagged yet another dub, adding to his stellar record over the last two seasons. Our reigning champ took down KP with only 146.95 points, but still managed to squeeze out big performances from Herbert, Mixon, and Diggs (all combining for 79.75) in the victory. This deadly trio could be a cause for concern for the rest of the league as he starts off his repeat bid in victorious fashion. While it was nothing to write home about, we have to tip the cap to Daniel-San for handling business in Week 1, and now we have to start asking if we are going to see more of the patented winning Fantasy Touch that Daniel has been known to have for two years running? It was the same old Daniel, stealing the tough victory, but the staff believes something is just a little different for Dan the Man. Same Same… but different.
Classic Kyle shows up with confidence, lets everyone down in tough loss
Every single year Kyle just shows up and makes mind bottling draft decisions. This season was no different, as he thought it prudent to draft damn near the entire Chiefs offense… you know, minus the best player (Patty Mahomes). I mean, it’s the fucking guy he seems to draft every year and he stared him down for four rounds and said, “Nah.” It really is comical at this point. Well, wouldn’t you know it, he cruised in all high and mighty thinking he was hot shit once again, only to get beaten handily by Grant after a single week of play. Listen, we get it’s only one week, but if there was one team we could bank on losing badly to start the season, it had to be Kyle’s, right? His four man Chief stack didn’t even perform that bad, but I think the Fantasy Gods punished him for his complete lack of Fantasy Acumen. When the rest of the league is two strapping it, no matter how much he is wrong, he will always think its way cooler to rock the single strap…
Awards:
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – Alex losing to Big Kev
I don’t think we have to spend a whole lot of time waxing poetic about how big of a disappointment this game was for The Commish. With a golden opportunity to continue his dominant reign in the Ashak bowl, he layed a massive egg, and didn’t even stand a fighting chance. Just a piss poor effort, and one Alex would probably like to forget as soon as possible. He better be careful, or this is going to get out of hand fast and there’s nothing he can do about it. I guess we will see what he has in store for Week 2. The safe word will be Hwishkey.
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call of the Week – Jared not playing Michael Thomas/Travis Etienne pick
Now, it was for sure a controversial decision among the staff members to give this award to Jared. First, he was never winning even if he started Thomas. Secondly, it’s not often we scrutinize a draft pick after only the first week of play. However, we couldn’t help but make fun of the fact that his big reach in the 3rd round was outscored by his back up. Further, he didn’t have the guts to go with Michael Thomas, instead deciding to start the perennial Fantasy Stud… Sammy Watkins. You know, the guy he picked up to drop what seemed like a solid late round selection in Jahan Dotson. It was a slew of terrible decisions one after the other all culminating in his awful loss to start the season. You know for the Rockies, I thought it would be a lot Rockier. That John Denver is full of shit, man!
Alright, alright, alright, that is going to be it for us this week. Thanks for hanging in there for our first edition of the Passionate Playback this season. If we didn’t mention your team (looking at you Tyler) we’re… sorry? A ho-hum victory for a past champion didn’t really move the needle. Can you blame us? Anyway, once we get two weeks in the books, it will be time for the critically acclaimed Power Rankings, so stay tuned for that. As always, good luck in your Week 2 matchups, we are signing off for now. Stay frosty, gents. Deuces!
Greetings my dear league mates and fellow devotees to the Swifty movement! It is I, leader of the Passionate Playback staff, and the one they call the authority of alliteration, the connoisseur of criticism, and the master of metaphor, back again and coming at you hotter than an Erin Andrews Playboy cover shoot. Whether you prevailed in a triumphant Week 1 dub, or you suffered a vicious back breaking defeat as your team was suplexed from the stratosphere so violently it’s fragmented spine could be repurposed as a slinky, we care not of results. All we care about is the glorious return of Football. Thus, we extend to you the grandest of welcomings to the first of many fantastic editions of the Passionate Playback 2022, and we offer but a single sentiment to share with you all: Fantasy. Is. Back. That’s right, gentlemen. While we waited and waited, through the innumerable days of monotony that is the football offseason, convincing ourselves that we could live just fine without having our weekends filled deep to the brim with the warm, sticky, gooey goodness of Fantasy Excitement we so desperately craved. Our minds shapeshifted into Simone Bile’s level mental gymnasts, tricking ourselves that we could live peacefully, free of this silly game we call Fantasy Football. When Sunday evening (yes, games start in the evening for me, I don’t care if the rest of you are in the states) rolled around, and Scott Hanson vehemently declared “7 Hours of Commercial Free Football Starts… NOW!” I would be lying if I didn’t get a little bit choked up. It is not until that exact moment arrives, do most of us realize how badly we miss football. And by God was it beautiful to behold. I hope for all y’all sake you took in all the excitement, sloshed it around in your mouth a bit, and really savored the taste of a fresh football season unloaded upon you by the Fantasy Gods. I know I say it every year, but the season zooms right by our noses faster than Jared can claim “Fantasy is Rigged”, and before we blink, it’s January and we’re facing another dreadful offseason. For now though, I think it warrants a celebration. Fantasy has returned and the new T Siz single is already fired up on the playlist. So, go grab that thirty rack of brewskis chilling in the back of the fridge, plop down the lawn chair on the front porch, turn the knob to full blast on the new Bose portable speakers, and blare that T Sizzle for all the neighbors to hear while you get drunk to the musical stylings of our main girl singing the soundtrack to Fantasy. Just smile and wave boys. We are on to Week 2, and we haven’t a care in the world. Let’s get it!!! Hit it, T Siz!!
♪♫♩♪♬
I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous game"
It was the first week, never will forget how I came
The whole league was set for good times
And we were dancing, dancing
Like we're made of starlight
Like we're made of starlight
I met Patty on the draft night, round of 4 or 5
Picked him up, late on clock, at the last sec,
It was nicotine and crazy, picking wild, wild
Can't remember what team he was playing when he went off
The night we stuck it to Jared’s team
Pretending to be a champion ever since
And I said, "Oh my, what a marvelous game"
It was the best week, never would forget how we cruised.
My whole team was catching those dimes,
And I was dancing, dancing
Like I’m made of starlight, starlight
Like I’m made of starlight, starlight
Headlines:
Big Kev pulls the switch-a-roo; defeats Alex in shocking Week 1 upset in the Ashak Bowl
How many times have we seen it? Coming into the matchup, Kev was winless over the last two years against his little brother (0-4). On top of that, Alex, the best regular season team over the last three years, was the clear favorite and obviously primed to take down Big Kev once more. However, in a twist of fate, it was Alex who threw up the Week 1 dud, barely topping 115 points in a pitiful performance where only two of his players put up more than 20 points (Jalen Hurts and AJ Dillon). This isn’t to mention, five of his starters didn’t even eclipse 10 freaking points. It was a very Kevin like performance for the Commish, one that little saw coming. On the flip side, Big Kev, did his best Alex impression, carding a nifty 150 points in the winning effort. Riding his main horses Joshy Woshy at QB and Davante at WR, their combined 70.55 points was the difference in the massive Week 1 victory for Big Kev. It was almost like Kev stole Alex’s Fantasy Acumen. I mean for once, Kev didn’t even draft a defense before the 10th round, and he smartly put in a wavier claim for Najee’s backup when he had an injury scare. Is this the same Kevin we have been playing against all these years? I’m at a loss for words. The Commish just showed up to Week 1 only to find out Kevin just crudely pasted his name over his on the list of championship contenders…
Yours truly pulls off third ever Super Quad in Week 1 thrashing of Jared
Well, what a week it was for me. Still trying to shake off the bad juju from the brutal ending to last season as I succumbed to Daniel’s unreal championship performance, denying me of my first ever championship, it wouldn’t be stretching the truth to say that I was nervous to make the climb again. That nervousness was quickly shed after my team performed valiantly in one of the best Week 1 showings of all time, capturing what we dubbed as the “Super Quad” in 2019, for the third time in league history. Alex and I had been the only other teams to achieve that feat to this point. Now I have done it twice, being the highest scoring team, most efficient manager, win the biggest blowout, and be the highest overachiever in terms of our projected score, all in a single week. The combo of Saquon and Patty (81.9 points combined) proved lethal to Jared’s chances, and are looking like they are going to shape up as one of the deadliest QB/RB tandems in the league. How does it feel you ask? Like I have two cocks… if one of them could kill you.
Turning to Jared, well I’m sure the anger was flowing through his veins last Sunday. It was a pathetic performance to say the least. Only Jerry Jeudy was able to notch a point total above 20 points, and that was after he was well out of reach from topping my colossal point scoring outburst. This was all made even worse by the fact he didn’t even start Micheal Thomas, opting to go with Sammy Watkins, and James Robinson snaked two touchdowns away from his prized third round sleeper pick, Travis Etienne. I mean, it was bad from the get-go, and it just got worse as the day went on. He finished as the lowest scoring team in the league for Week 1, and now I’m positive he is sitting around, rage filled, and trying to figure out how he is going to bounce back. Someone, better go check on him. My bet, it will probably go a little something like this…
KP, Carl can’t rebound from last season; both still adjusting to new league in Week 1 losses
Our two newbies didn’t get off to great starts on their 2022 campaigns, both suffering defeats at the hands of Daniel and Tyler. Again, this isn’t a promising sign for the two newest managers as they continue their struggles from last year into Week 1, throwing gas into the fire on the narrative that they don’t have the chops to compete in a league of such skilled Fantasy Managers. Both KP and Carl wound up with less than 136 points (135.8 and 129.9 respectively), while their competition didn’t necessarily wow us either in Week 1. Tyler put up a respectable 156.95 points, but Daniel didn’t even crack 150, as he squeaked by KP with a 146.95 point effort. I try to figure out why they struggle so badly, with now a combined record of 9-23 since the start of last year, and I honestly don’t have any answers. Then something occurred to me: KP and Carl don’t have the faintest idea what it’s like to play in our league yet. If I asked them about waivers they’d probably quote Mathew Berry or Field Yates, but they don’t know what it’s like to pick someone up who wins them a couple weeks purely off of their gut feeling. They don’t know what heartbreak is after dominating the regular season only to watch helplessly as their team falls apart in the playoffs. They wouldn’t know the first thing about that because they haven’t been in the league. I think Robin Williams sums it up best…
Daniel, Grant regain championship form in big Week 1 wins
First, we turn to Grant, our 2020 champion who lost his winning touch last year to finish dead last in the regular season standings. We talked at great lengths about the splooge filled shorts Grant ceremoniously dawned each Sunday of the 2020 season, as he defined what it meant to be a multi orgasmic dynamo, breaking records for cumming time and time again as his team dominated from start to finish that year. While his shorts remained dry for the vast majority of 2021, this season has started off remarkably well, notching a cool 171.25 points on the back of his main horse, Cooper Kupp-o-coffee and the Bills D (54.8 points between the two). It’s seems as if this year, Grant may not have a care in the world, no longer splooging in his shorts, but rather just cumming whenever and wherever he wants….
When we look at Dan the Man, once again he snagged yet another dub, adding to his stellar record over the last two seasons. Our reigning champ took down KP with only 146.95 points, but still managed to squeeze out big performances from Herbert, Mixon, and Diggs (all combining for 79.75) in the victory. This deadly trio could be a cause for concern for the rest of the league as he starts off his repeat bid in victorious fashion. While it was nothing to write home about, we have to tip the cap to Daniel-San for handling business in Week 1, and now we have to start asking if we are going to see more of the patented winning Fantasy Touch that Daniel has been known to have for two years running? It was the same old Daniel, stealing the tough victory, but the staff believes something is just a little different for Dan the Man. Same Same… but different.
Classic Kyle shows up with confidence, lets everyone down in tough loss
Every single year Kyle just shows up and makes mind bottling draft decisions. This season was no different, as he thought it prudent to draft damn near the entire Chiefs offense… you know, minus the best player (Patty Mahomes). I mean, it’s the fucking guy he seems to draft every year and he stared him down for four rounds and said, “Nah.” It really is comical at this point. Well, wouldn’t you know it, he cruised in all high and mighty thinking he was hot shit once again, only to get beaten handily by Grant after a single week of play. Listen, we get it’s only one week, but if there was one team we could bank on losing badly to start the season, it had to be Kyle’s, right? His four man Chief stack didn’t even perform that bad, but I think the Fantasy Gods punished him for his complete lack of Fantasy Acumen. When the rest of the league is two strapping it, no matter how much he is wrong, he will always think its way cooler to rock the single strap…
Awards:
Rod Kimble Biggest Disappointment of the Week – Alex losing to Big Kev
I don’t think we have to spend a whole lot of time waxing poetic about how big of a disappointment this game was for The Commish. With a golden opportunity to continue his dominant reign in the Ashak bowl, he layed a massive egg, and didn’t even stand a fighting chance. Just a piss poor effort, and one Alex would probably like to forget as soon as possible. He better be careful, or this is going to get out of hand fast and there’s nothing he can do about it. I guess we will see what he has in store for Week 2. The safe word will be Hwishkey.
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call of the Week – Jared not playing Michael Thomas/Travis Etienne pick
Now, it was for sure a controversial decision among the staff members to give this award to Jared. First, he was never winning even if he started Thomas. Secondly, it’s not often we scrutinize a draft pick after only the first week of play. However, we couldn’t help but make fun of the fact that his big reach in the 3rd round was outscored by his back up. Further, he didn’t have the guts to go with Michael Thomas, instead deciding to start the perennial Fantasy Stud… Sammy Watkins. You know, the guy he picked up to drop what seemed like a solid late round selection in Jahan Dotson. It was a slew of terrible decisions one after the other all culminating in his awful loss to start the season. You know for the Rockies, I thought it would be a lot Rockier. That John Denver is full of shit, man!
Alright, alright, alright, that is going to be it for us this week. Thanks for hanging in there for our first edition of the Passionate Playback this season. If we didn’t mention your team (looking at you Tyler) we’re… sorry? A ho-hum victory for a past champion didn’t really move the needle. Can you blame us? Anyway, once we get two weeks in the books, it will be time for the critically acclaimed Power Rankings, so stay tuned for that. As always, good luck in your Week 2 matchups, we are signing off for now. Stay frosty, gents. Deuces!
