Week 2
Passionate Playback:
Oh. My. Golly, Miss Molly. Now that was a fun one, eh? Just like that we are off and running, in the full swing of things. After the final ticks ceased on the second week of the season, if it hadn’t occurred to you yet, the unrelenting scoregasm that broke out across our league last week was the black light illuminating your cum drenched bed sheets signifying one thing: We are officially playing Fantasy Football, gents. Are you not entertained? Four teams cracked 175 points, five (counte ‘em!) starters went for 40 plus points, we had our season’s first Monday night comeback, and… Oh, you know, just an insane topsy turvy affair between Grant and Carl morphed into an instant classic to cap Sunday off. It was magical to say the least. Yet, for all the fireworks and jizz exploding from the teams of fine dudes rocking 1-0 records, the managers saddled by 0-1 starts, in confoundingly unanimous fashion, couldn’t get off the schneid, slipping to 0-2. As we marvel at a scoring bonanza for the ages for some, we must acknowledge the fact that half our league must now carry the awful burden of massive blue balls as they watched us through the window in a jealous rage, left off the invitation to the euphoric marathon scoring orgy most of us partook in. All this has led to one of the most unique starts to the season in recent memory, one that I can’t recall ever happening in league history. Five teams 2-0, and five teams 0-2. This game just never fails to amaze me, and with that, in order to properly sift through the madness, me and the critically acclaimed Passionate Playback staff are back at it again. So, come on in, take a load off, and make yourself at home. Mi Casa Es Su Casa. Feel free to help yourself to the refreshment platters of Gatorade and Zinc tabs for our winners, and cookies with milk for our losers. Don’t worry, Uncle J knows depending on how your Week 2 went, you might need the extra electrolytes or some goold ole’ fashioned comfort food. Oh, and our in-house chef, Eduardo, has been slaving away at a mean ropa vieja topped with his world-famous mole sauce, so you’re going to want to stick around for that. In the meantime, kick back, relax, and let the T Siz song bumping over the Sonos just carry you away to your happy place as you dream of a Week 3 dub. Let’s do this thang. A one. A one. A one, two, three, four...
♫♪♫♬
Once upon a time, a few seasons ago
Belt was in your sights, you got me it’s known
You beat me, you beat me, you beat me-e-e-e-e
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I was bad
And when I fell hard, you gloated on about
Fantasy, Fantasy, Fantasy-y-y-y-y
But it’s long gone, from your time winning
And I realize, this year your just shitty
'Cause I knew you were awful when you drafted
So shame on you now
Flying down standings, can’t win
Had to put you down, oh
I knew you were awful when you drafted
So, shame on you now
Flying down standings, can’t win
Now you’re lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh (awful, awful, awful)
Oh, oh (awful, awful, awful)
Awards:
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week – Grant edging Carl 180.85 – 175.25
Oh boy, what a doozy this one shaped up be. Just a classic back and forth tilt between two managers hell bent on taking down the other in another crazy Fantasy Matchup. Like a fourteen-year-old discovering the internet for the first time, it was only a matter of time before our league busted one out. Coming into the week, Grant was sitting pretty, 1-0, and looking to build on his reclamation project of shifting our perceptions of his Fantasy Skills after the year from hell in 2021. Carl on the other hand was still trying to make his mark in our league, and this game was the perfect opportunity. Since his 3-0 start last season, he could only muster an abhorrent 2 wins over his next 12 games, and he was clearly hoping this was the week he would turn that around. Well, after the morning games went off, it seemed like he was about to do just that. Amon-Ra St. Brown was catching ball after ball en route to a fantastic 39.4 points. This was on top of the fact Carl captured an excellent 25.3 from Mikey Mike Wills on Thursday night. Grant, however, calmly reached his hand down his pants, started cranking, and ejaculated a late game flurry of points from The Waddlester to counter Carl’s early punches. Then the scoring took off faster than a cat lapping chain lightning in the afternoon. Kupp nabbed Grant 31.8 points, but Carl responded with 17 from the Wallerus and 19.7 from Sutton. Points kept getting flung onto the board, and it became clear it was going to come down to the wire. Before we knew it, we had a finale for the history books on our hands as Lil Ky put on a magical show to end the game, finishing off a comeback in the real game, as well as sealing the deal for Grant in one final splooge filled ending to his week. Now, we understand Grant smartly benched his defense, solidifying his 5-point win, making the game closer than it should’ve been. Still, we can’t get over how fun it was seeing the high-powered scoring goldmine this game was. Thus, it rightfully deserves the Game of the Week Award. I feel like I’m watching a Cher video, Cotton.
Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week – Grant trades away Devonta Smith, Plays Kirk, and benches D
We turn back to Grant once more, as his wonderous Week 2 performance couldn’t go without mentioning his managerial moves from the top shelf. After conducting a trade with Alex to rid his team of the awful stink of a zero burger by Dev-Not-A-Single-Point Smith, he was curiously able to pawn arguably his worst player off on Alex while netting a positive return of Bobby Trees coupled with some FAAB dollars, which could very well come in handy later on. Furthermore, instead of doing the very Grant like thing and throwing his newly traded for player into the lineup, which is exactly what the staff expected, he smartly went with the Kirksy Boy and his treasure trove of Jaguar green dolla-dolla bills. And oh boy did it pay off handsomely for the former champ, with CK Money Bags delivering a slick 25.8 points from the flex spot in his big win. This is all before we even could point out his shrewd in game team management as well. The benching of his defense, the Fantasy equivalent of going down at the one-yard line, was low key one of those moves that proves to the league Grant is quickly developing into an elite manager. It’s a play you don’t often see in our league, considering most of you sick heathens love running up the score, but Grant took the possibility of a -5 point game from his D off the board completely. It’s not the sexy decision, but it was honestly a master class in Fantasy 101, put on by one of the managers we least expected it from. Therefore, we offer a big heaping spoonful of kudos to Grant for doing what Nick Chubb didn’t (who cost his real team the game) and cemented his 2-0 record with a slew of great decisions. My boy’s wicked smahht!
Shane Falco Best Replacement Player Call of the Week – Me getting 20.8 and 22.9 from Bateman and Samuel
How can this be a write up without yours truly getting off on his own managerial skills? Welp, I did it again folks. With all three of my top receivers hitting the pine in Week 2, I was a bit worried, but my backups filled in admirably and were the difference in what turned out to be a closer-than-it-should-have-been bout with Kyle. The Master Bateman struck big with the speed of a guy who makes other fast players look… not fast, housing a slant for a 75 yards score. Then Curtis Samwise Gamgee just kept nickeling and diming his way to a solid day, culminating in a late TD catch, gifting me the valuable points I needed put Kyle to bed. It wasn’t necessarily a fun game, but one I wanted in the worst way, and my bench boys stepped up big time. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. And Glory Lasts forever.
Power Rankings:
A little caveat before we get into what you all came for: We did look back at league’s past and realized Power Rankings don’t typically start until Week 3. It really isn’t until that juncture when we have accumulated enough statistics to properly rank the teams. That said, since I know you’ve all been waiting on pens and needles for a little Power Ranking action, we decided to say “Fuck it!” and rolled them out a week early. So fair warning, they might not be fully ripe, but hopefully you all still enjoy.
1. Tborgs 2-0; Power Score: 9.1
Well, if you wouldn’t know it, we have Tyler taking home the pole position for the first Power Rankings of 2022. We barely mentioned him after Week 1, but after his Week 2 skull fucking of Jared, we can’t ignore the man who’s been the best performer in the league through two weeks of play. Oh shit, I think the stats have something to say. Goddamnit! Stats, I thought you were done last year. Okay, fine. Let’s hear it:
- His 348.85 points scored is better than six other teams’ max possible points.
- He has now started with a sterling 16-2 League Record, standing alone atop the league with the best mark
- He has beaten his opponents by a combined margin of 102.25 points
- He has the only player so far this year to break 50 points in a game (Lamar Jackson with 51.8 points), and it very likely could go down as the highest point total for a player this year
Okay, stats, now shut the hell up! No one invited you and you just keep showing up like KP and Kev whenever someone mentions the word eight and ball in the same sentence. Go away!
2. KenUdigit 2-0; Power Score: 8.6
Sliding in safely at the number two position is the young man we’ve had a lot to say about thus far, and Grant has to be feeling pretty good about it. Notching an awesome 171.25 points in Week 1 only to best it in Week 2 with an even spicier 180.85 is the type of consistency champions will often display. Now, we can’t crown the man just yet. Obviously, we know it’s only been two weeks, and on top of that there are some slight concerns, mainly leaving 51.3 points on the board over the first two games of his 2022 campaign, good for 4th last in the league. Yet, we could chalk a large portion of that to the Bills D going off when, as we previously mentioned, the correct move was to leave them sitting on the shelf. But, could we go an entire write up without casting a tad bit of doubt on the former champ? Absolutely not. A man’s gotta live by a code. Hence, we must let Grant know he ought to tighten up the start/sit decisions a smidge to really take it to the next level. Just like he might want to consider hiring a cleaning service to ensure all his spunk coated walls and floors are nice and clean before he embarks on another splooge imbued Week 3. On second thought, don’t worry about it. I’ve heard bathing in your own jizz is actually good for the skin. Who would’ve thought?
3. jressa 2-0; Power Score: 7.6
Yours truly shows up again, right near the top of the rankings as per usual, coming it at number three. With my Week 1 shellacking of Jared, I did fall back to Earth in Week 2, only conjuring up an actually quite poor 125.85 points. However, it was enough to get by the perennial, bafflingly bad manager, Kyle, and now I comfortably sit at 2-0 and right where I want to be. My 12-6 League Record and 319.05 Points For were both good enough for 4th best in both categories, boosting my Power Score to the necessary amount in order to steal 3rd in the first rankings of the season. However, I’ve only had a microscopically low 211.5 Points Against, which is by far the lowest in the league, and lends credence yet again to the notion that the Fantasy Gods just hand me victories. Let’s hear it, gents. Tell me how lucky I am. To that I say, “Do your worst!” Fantasy is a storm my young friends. We will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes me a great Fantasy Manager is what I do when that storm of shit talking comes. I will look into that storm and shout as I do now, “Do your worst! For I shall do mine.” Then the fates will know me as you all know me. Justin Ressa. Fantasy Master.
4. DanielWest 2-0; Power Score: 7.45
Coming in fourth, we find Daniel-San, starting off his season with probably the best start the staff can remember of anyone immediately following a title. It’s been smooth sailing for Daniel, as he has now taken down KP and Alex handily. His 13-5 League Record is very good, slotting him as the 3rd best team in the league in that category, and the 328.95 Points For he sports also have only been bested by two other teams (Grant and Tyler). However, the rest of his stats really don’t pop off the page, as he finds himself dead last in Coach Performance, with a whopping 76.55 points left on the board through two weeks. Moreover, he has the 4th least amount of Points Against in the league. Thus, it is tough to really put our finger on the pulse of his 2022 season. Trying to look forward and prognosticate what this means, we must ask ourselves whether his success is just mirage in the distance, or is he once again one of the best teams in the league? How about for more answers we turn to the hottest mama in Fantasy, the golden fox herself, Erin Andrews, as she returns once more for the incredible insights on Dan’s team we have all come to appreciate immensely. Erin, what’s your take on how Daniel is playing this year?
“Pretty Good.”
Well, good googly moogly, Erin. We knew you were good, but to come out the gates firing with a take so hot it would put a leaked T Siz nude to shame… I don’t know if we deserve such a high level of analysis. I think I need a shower. Anyway, as always, let those sweet, tasty, behemoth bosoms keep shining brighter than a supernova. Until next time, that was Erin Andrews everyone.
5. Kshak 2-0; Power Score 7.4
Oh dear, if it isn’t my arch nemesis and bitter blood feud adversary, Big Kev, arriving in the fifth position. I once again struggle to put positive words to paper for the man who stole my 2019 championship (yes, I am still on that), but we will still attempt to reluctantly give him his credit where it is due. As previously noted last week, he remarkably flipped the script on The Commish, thoroughly outplaying him and snapping is winless streak in the Ashak Bowl over the last two years. So… He’s got that going for him. In Week 2, he pulled off the season’s first Monday Night Comeback, after his main horse, Joshy Woshy, accumulated over 40 massive points en route to Kev erasing the big lead KP had on him. Now, 2-0, Kevin is actually putting himself in the unfamiliar position of front running in our league. With the spotlight on him, can he take advantage, or just bend right back to his normal self like the nine-inch dildo he hides underneath his pillow every night. Who the fuck knows. What week do we play? Week 7? Alright, well we see where he’s at by then. It’s on motha fucka!
6. Cholgerson34 0-2; Power Score: 6.05
*Long sigh* At sixth we arrive at Carl and the first 0-2 team to show up on the Power Rankings. We’ll start with the positives: Of all the shitty teams in the league, Carl has so far been the best of them... And now we painstakingly move to the negatives, which there are a lot. I mean minus the fact that he has yet to bag a dub in the first two weeks, he carries a mediocre League Record (8-10) and sits with 304.45 Points For, which, even though it is more than 300 (a good number through two weeks), is still only 5th best in the league. The numbers aren’t terrible, but they aren’t great either. Toss in a little bad luck, a dash of inexperience in the league, and you have the recipe to a poor start. Is it fair? Who am I to judge the will of the Fantasy Gods. What we will do is judge Carl and his winless team, though. At this point, he has legitimately squeezed out every last drop of good will the staff has had for the newbie manager, and it would be the understatement of the year to say we are beginning to lose patience. Carl, get your shit together man. You’re making us look stupid!
7. AlexAshak 0-2; Power Score: 4.85
As we move along, all the way down in the seven hole we make it to The Commish. Shockingly, Alex has been one of the worst managers to date, saddled by a 5-13 League Record (3rd Worst in the league) and just a pitiful 253.1 Points For (3rd worst as well). It is no secret he has been a shell of his form Fantasy Self. We don’t know exactly what is going on, but he better fix it and fix it fast. He does get a favorable matchup in Week 3 against KP, but if he blows this one, we might start drafting up the death warrant on his pathetic Fantasy Team. Some seasons you have it, and others you just don’t. This is shaping up to be one of those seasons Alex just doesn’t have it. Cue up the sad Taylor Swift song, folks. The Commish is at fork in the road and his team must choose the much harder path of redemption, even though the path of least resistance is looking mighty tempting. Can he do it? If there was one person that we would think had the chops to pull it off, it would be Alex. What’s it going to be, friend?
8. BigPapaPump 0-2; Power Score: 4.1
9. Kartier Kyle 0-2; Power Score: 3.6
10. jweverstad 0-2; Power Score: 3.25
Lastly, we make it to the cellar of the standings. Yup, it is a grotesque group of managers that the staff couldn’t work up enough energy to write about individually. So, we just threw them all together like a chef wiping off the counters of all the left-over junk into a specialty “stew”. I’m not going to sugar coat it, men, these teams are just plain bad. I don’t need to get into it, but can we say we expected a wholly different outcome? Yeah. I didn’t think so. Kyle, Jared, and KP have been about as successful in Fantasy as they would have been starting an Only Fans account together specializing in ear and banana fetishes. Jared’s nausea inducing 1-17 League Record might only be made worse by his microscopic 232.1 Points For (dead last). At least for KP and Kyle, they are gonna KP and Kyle. It’s what they do. Jared, on the other hand, is the only one of the group that we at least had some hope for. He was a returning playoff participant from last year. However, with no Charge-o-blade, and no real enticing Fantasy Players at all really, he gets lumped in with the worst the league has to offer. My suggestion is really simple for these managers: Get your team’s gag reflexes in order, or it’s going to be long season choking on the rock hard schlong of multiple defeats.
Alright gents, that is going to be it for this week. I know the criticism was flung at many of you as effortlessly as T Sizzle drops those platinum hits. However, if you have a problem with it, then just win. Simple as that. Anyway, we do wish the best of luck to everyone taking up battle on the virtual grid iron this weekend. We bid you all adieu for now. This is the Passionate Playback staff, from the gloomy U.K... Over and out!
Oh. My. Golly, Miss Molly. Now that was a fun one, eh? Just like that we are off and running, in the full swing of things. After the final ticks ceased on the second week of the season, if it hadn’t occurred to you yet, the unrelenting scoregasm that broke out across our league last week was the black light illuminating your cum drenched bed sheets signifying one thing: We are officially playing Fantasy Football, gents. Are you not entertained? Four teams cracked 175 points, five (counte ‘em!) starters went for 40 plus points, we had our season’s first Monday night comeback, and… Oh, you know, just an insane topsy turvy affair between Grant and Carl morphed into an instant classic to cap Sunday off. It was magical to say the least. Yet, for all the fireworks and jizz exploding from the teams of fine dudes rocking 1-0 records, the managers saddled by 0-1 starts, in confoundingly unanimous fashion, couldn’t get off the schneid, slipping to 0-2. As we marvel at a scoring bonanza for the ages for some, we must acknowledge the fact that half our league must now carry the awful burden of massive blue balls as they watched us through the window in a jealous rage, left off the invitation to the euphoric marathon scoring orgy most of us partook in. All this has led to one of the most unique starts to the season in recent memory, one that I can’t recall ever happening in league history. Five teams 2-0, and five teams 0-2. This game just never fails to amaze me, and with that, in order to properly sift through the madness, me and the critically acclaimed Passionate Playback staff are back at it again. So, come on in, take a load off, and make yourself at home. Mi Casa Es Su Casa. Feel free to help yourself to the refreshment platters of Gatorade and Zinc tabs for our winners, and cookies with milk for our losers. Don’t worry, Uncle J knows depending on how your Week 2 went, you might need the extra electrolytes or some goold ole’ fashioned comfort food. Oh, and our in-house chef, Eduardo, has been slaving away at a mean ropa vieja topped with his world-famous mole sauce, so you’re going to want to stick around for that. In the meantime, kick back, relax, and let the T Siz song bumping over the Sonos just carry you away to your happy place as you dream of a Week 3 dub. Let’s do this thang. A one. A one. A one, two, three, four...
♫♪♫♬
Once upon a time, a few seasons ago
Belt was in your sights, you got me it’s known
You beat me, you beat me, you beat me-e-e-e-e
I guess you didn't care, and I guess I was bad
And when I fell hard, you gloated on about
Fantasy, Fantasy, Fantasy-y-y-y-y
But it’s long gone, from your time winning
And I realize, this year your just shitty
'Cause I knew you were awful when you drafted
So shame on you now
Flying down standings, can’t win
Had to put you down, oh
I knew you were awful when you drafted
So, shame on you now
Flying down standings, can’t win
Now you’re lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh (awful, awful, awful)
Oh, oh (awful, awful, awful)
Awards:
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week – Grant edging Carl 180.85 – 175.25
Oh boy, what a doozy this one shaped up be. Just a classic back and forth tilt between two managers hell bent on taking down the other in another crazy Fantasy Matchup. Like a fourteen-year-old discovering the internet for the first time, it was only a matter of time before our league busted one out. Coming into the week, Grant was sitting pretty, 1-0, and looking to build on his reclamation project of shifting our perceptions of his Fantasy Skills after the year from hell in 2021. Carl on the other hand was still trying to make his mark in our league, and this game was the perfect opportunity. Since his 3-0 start last season, he could only muster an abhorrent 2 wins over his next 12 games, and he was clearly hoping this was the week he would turn that around. Well, after the morning games went off, it seemed like he was about to do just that. Amon-Ra St. Brown was catching ball after ball en route to a fantastic 39.4 points. This was on top of the fact Carl captured an excellent 25.3 from Mikey Mike Wills on Thursday night. Grant, however, calmly reached his hand down his pants, started cranking, and ejaculated a late game flurry of points from The Waddlester to counter Carl’s early punches. Then the scoring took off faster than a cat lapping chain lightning in the afternoon. Kupp nabbed Grant 31.8 points, but Carl responded with 17 from the Wallerus and 19.7 from Sutton. Points kept getting flung onto the board, and it became clear it was going to come down to the wire. Before we knew it, we had a finale for the history books on our hands as Lil Ky put on a magical show to end the game, finishing off a comeback in the real game, as well as sealing the deal for Grant in one final splooge filled ending to his week. Now, we understand Grant smartly benched his defense, solidifying his 5-point win, making the game closer than it should’ve been. Still, we can’t get over how fun it was seeing the high-powered scoring goldmine this game was. Thus, it rightfully deserves the Game of the Week Award. I feel like I’m watching a Cher video, Cotton.
Will Hunting Smartest Call of the Week – Grant trades away Devonta Smith, Plays Kirk, and benches D
We turn back to Grant once more, as his wonderous Week 2 performance couldn’t go without mentioning his managerial moves from the top shelf. After conducting a trade with Alex to rid his team of the awful stink of a zero burger by Dev-Not-A-Single-Point Smith, he was curiously able to pawn arguably his worst player off on Alex while netting a positive return of Bobby Trees coupled with some FAAB dollars, which could very well come in handy later on. Furthermore, instead of doing the very Grant like thing and throwing his newly traded for player into the lineup, which is exactly what the staff expected, he smartly went with the Kirksy Boy and his treasure trove of Jaguar green dolla-dolla bills. And oh boy did it pay off handsomely for the former champ, with CK Money Bags delivering a slick 25.8 points from the flex spot in his big win. This is all before we even could point out his shrewd in game team management as well. The benching of his defense, the Fantasy equivalent of going down at the one-yard line, was low key one of those moves that proves to the league Grant is quickly developing into an elite manager. It’s a play you don’t often see in our league, considering most of you sick heathens love running up the score, but Grant took the possibility of a -5 point game from his D off the board completely. It’s not the sexy decision, but it was honestly a master class in Fantasy 101, put on by one of the managers we least expected it from. Therefore, we offer a big heaping spoonful of kudos to Grant for doing what Nick Chubb didn’t (who cost his real team the game) and cemented his 2-0 record with a slew of great decisions. My boy’s wicked smahht!
Shane Falco Best Replacement Player Call of the Week – Me getting 20.8 and 22.9 from Bateman and Samuel
How can this be a write up without yours truly getting off on his own managerial skills? Welp, I did it again folks. With all three of my top receivers hitting the pine in Week 2, I was a bit worried, but my backups filled in admirably and were the difference in what turned out to be a closer-than-it-should-have-been bout with Kyle. The Master Bateman struck big with the speed of a guy who makes other fast players look… not fast, housing a slant for a 75 yards score. Then Curtis Samwise Gamgee just kept nickeling and diming his way to a solid day, culminating in a late TD catch, gifting me the valuable points I needed put Kyle to bed. It wasn’t necessarily a fun game, but one I wanted in the worst way, and my bench boys stepped up big time. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. And Glory Lasts forever.
Power Rankings:
A little caveat before we get into what you all came for: We did look back at league’s past and realized Power Rankings don’t typically start until Week 3. It really isn’t until that juncture when we have accumulated enough statistics to properly rank the teams. That said, since I know you’ve all been waiting on pens and needles for a little Power Ranking action, we decided to say “Fuck it!” and rolled them out a week early. So fair warning, they might not be fully ripe, but hopefully you all still enjoy.
1. Tborgs 2-0; Power Score: 9.1
Well, if you wouldn’t know it, we have Tyler taking home the pole position for the first Power Rankings of 2022. We barely mentioned him after Week 1, but after his Week 2 skull fucking of Jared, we can’t ignore the man who’s been the best performer in the league through two weeks of play. Oh shit, I think the stats have something to say. Goddamnit! Stats, I thought you were done last year. Okay, fine. Let’s hear it:
- His 348.85 points scored is better than six other teams’ max possible points.
- He has now started with a sterling 16-2 League Record, standing alone atop the league with the best mark
- He has beaten his opponents by a combined margin of 102.25 points
- He has the only player so far this year to break 50 points in a game (Lamar Jackson with 51.8 points), and it very likely could go down as the highest point total for a player this year
Okay, stats, now shut the hell up! No one invited you and you just keep showing up like KP and Kev whenever someone mentions the word eight and ball in the same sentence. Go away!
2. KenUdigit 2-0; Power Score: 8.6
Sliding in safely at the number two position is the young man we’ve had a lot to say about thus far, and Grant has to be feeling pretty good about it. Notching an awesome 171.25 points in Week 1 only to best it in Week 2 with an even spicier 180.85 is the type of consistency champions will often display. Now, we can’t crown the man just yet. Obviously, we know it’s only been two weeks, and on top of that there are some slight concerns, mainly leaving 51.3 points on the board over the first two games of his 2022 campaign, good for 4th last in the league. Yet, we could chalk a large portion of that to the Bills D going off when, as we previously mentioned, the correct move was to leave them sitting on the shelf. But, could we go an entire write up without casting a tad bit of doubt on the former champ? Absolutely not. A man’s gotta live by a code. Hence, we must let Grant know he ought to tighten up the start/sit decisions a smidge to really take it to the next level. Just like he might want to consider hiring a cleaning service to ensure all his spunk coated walls and floors are nice and clean before he embarks on another splooge imbued Week 3. On second thought, don’t worry about it. I’ve heard bathing in your own jizz is actually good for the skin. Who would’ve thought?
3. jressa 2-0; Power Score: 7.6
Yours truly shows up again, right near the top of the rankings as per usual, coming it at number three. With my Week 1 shellacking of Jared, I did fall back to Earth in Week 2, only conjuring up an actually quite poor 125.85 points. However, it was enough to get by the perennial, bafflingly bad manager, Kyle, and now I comfortably sit at 2-0 and right where I want to be. My 12-6 League Record and 319.05 Points For were both good enough for 4th best in both categories, boosting my Power Score to the necessary amount in order to steal 3rd in the first rankings of the season. However, I’ve only had a microscopically low 211.5 Points Against, which is by far the lowest in the league, and lends credence yet again to the notion that the Fantasy Gods just hand me victories. Let’s hear it, gents. Tell me how lucky I am. To that I say, “Do your worst!” Fantasy is a storm my young friends. We will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes me a great Fantasy Manager is what I do when that storm of shit talking comes. I will look into that storm and shout as I do now, “Do your worst! For I shall do mine.” Then the fates will know me as you all know me. Justin Ressa. Fantasy Master.
4. DanielWest 2-0; Power Score: 7.45
Coming in fourth, we find Daniel-San, starting off his season with probably the best start the staff can remember of anyone immediately following a title. It’s been smooth sailing for Daniel, as he has now taken down KP and Alex handily. His 13-5 League Record is very good, slotting him as the 3rd best team in the league in that category, and the 328.95 Points For he sports also have only been bested by two other teams (Grant and Tyler). However, the rest of his stats really don’t pop off the page, as he finds himself dead last in Coach Performance, with a whopping 76.55 points left on the board through two weeks. Moreover, he has the 4th least amount of Points Against in the league. Thus, it is tough to really put our finger on the pulse of his 2022 season. Trying to look forward and prognosticate what this means, we must ask ourselves whether his success is just mirage in the distance, or is he once again one of the best teams in the league? How about for more answers we turn to the hottest mama in Fantasy, the golden fox herself, Erin Andrews, as she returns once more for the incredible insights on Dan’s team we have all come to appreciate immensely. Erin, what’s your take on how Daniel is playing this year?
“Pretty Good.”
Well, good googly moogly, Erin. We knew you were good, but to come out the gates firing with a take so hot it would put a leaked T Siz nude to shame… I don’t know if we deserve such a high level of analysis. I think I need a shower. Anyway, as always, let those sweet, tasty, behemoth bosoms keep shining brighter than a supernova. Until next time, that was Erin Andrews everyone.
5. Kshak 2-0; Power Score 7.4
Oh dear, if it isn’t my arch nemesis and bitter blood feud adversary, Big Kev, arriving in the fifth position. I once again struggle to put positive words to paper for the man who stole my 2019 championship (yes, I am still on that), but we will still attempt to reluctantly give him his credit where it is due. As previously noted last week, he remarkably flipped the script on The Commish, thoroughly outplaying him and snapping is winless streak in the Ashak Bowl over the last two years. So… He’s got that going for him. In Week 2, he pulled off the season’s first Monday Night Comeback, after his main horse, Joshy Woshy, accumulated over 40 massive points en route to Kev erasing the big lead KP had on him. Now, 2-0, Kevin is actually putting himself in the unfamiliar position of front running in our league. With the spotlight on him, can he take advantage, or just bend right back to his normal self like the nine-inch dildo he hides underneath his pillow every night. Who the fuck knows. What week do we play? Week 7? Alright, well we see where he’s at by then. It’s on motha fucka!
6. Cholgerson34 0-2; Power Score: 6.05
*Long sigh* At sixth we arrive at Carl and the first 0-2 team to show up on the Power Rankings. We’ll start with the positives: Of all the shitty teams in the league, Carl has so far been the best of them... And now we painstakingly move to the negatives, which there are a lot. I mean minus the fact that he has yet to bag a dub in the first two weeks, he carries a mediocre League Record (8-10) and sits with 304.45 Points For, which, even though it is more than 300 (a good number through two weeks), is still only 5th best in the league. The numbers aren’t terrible, but they aren’t great either. Toss in a little bad luck, a dash of inexperience in the league, and you have the recipe to a poor start. Is it fair? Who am I to judge the will of the Fantasy Gods. What we will do is judge Carl and his winless team, though. At this point, he has legitimately squeezed out every last drop of good will the staff has had for the newbie manager, and it would be the understatement of the year to say we are beginning to lose patience. Carl, get your shit together man. You’re making us look stupid!
7. AlexAshak 0-2; Power Score: 4.85
As we move along, all the way down in the seven hole we make it to The Commish. Shockingly, Alex has been one of the worst managers to date, saddled by a 5-13 League Record (3rd Worst in the league) and just a pitiful 253.1 Points For (3rd worst as well). It is no secret he has been a shell of his form Fantasy Self. We don’t know exactly what is going on, but he better fix it and fix it fast. He does get a favorable matchup in Week 3 against KP, but if he blows this one, we might start drafting up the death warrant on his pathetic Fantasy Team. Some seasons you have it, and others you just don’t. This is shaping up to be one of those seasons Alex just doesn’t have it. Cue up the sad Taylor Swift song, folks. The Commish is at fork in the road and his team must choose the much harder path of redemption, even though the path of least resistance is looking mighty tempting. Can he do it? If there was one person that we would think had the chops to pull it off, it would be Alex. What’s it going to be, friend?
8. BigPapaPump 0-2; Power Score: 4.1
9. Kartier Kyle 0-2; Power Score: 3.6
10. jweverstad 0-2; Power Score: 3.25
Lastly, we make it to the cellar of the standings. Yup, it is a grotesque group of managers that the staff couldn’t work up enough energy to write about individually. So, we just threw them all together like a chef wiping off the counters of all the left-over junk into a specialty “stew”. I’m not going to sugar coat it, men, these teams are just plain bad. I don’t need to get into it, but can we say we expected a wholly different outcome? Yeah. I didn’t think so. Kyle, Jared, and KP have been about as successful in Fantasy as they would have been starting an Only Fans account together specializing in ear and banana fetishes. Jared’s nausea inducing 1-17 League Record might only be made worse by his microscopic 232.1 Points For (dead last). At least for KP and Kyle, they are gonna KP and Kyle. It’s what they do. Jared, on the other hand, is the only one of the group that we at least had some hope for. He was a returning playoff participant from last year. However, with no Charge-o-blade, and no real enticing Fantasy Players at all really, he gets lumped in with the worst the league has to offer. My suggestion is really simple for these managers: Get your team’s gag reflexes in order, or it’s going to be long season choking on the rock hard schlong of multiple defeats.
Alright gents, that is going to be it for this week. I know the criticism was flung at many of you as effortlessly as T Sizzle drops those platinum hits. However, if you have a problem with it, then just win. Simple as that. Anyway, we do wish the best of luck to everyone taking up battle on the virtual grid iron this weekend. We bid you all adieu for now. This is the Passionate Playback staff, from the gloomy U.K... Over and out!
