Weeks 1-4
2023 Quarter Mark Introduction:
What happened? It’s all so different now. A spark of excitement once burned brightly through the bustling hallways of a vibrant staff headquarters (inside my head) that could light up a thousand joints filled with the dankest of danks. And, now? I must reckon with the grim reality that I have been reduced to nothing more than a hollowed out limp-schlong of a man humiliatingly longing to find excitement in the relentless and unforgiving world of Fantasy. Gone are the days where the palpable energy of a new season would flow free from my mightily long, fully erect shaft of Fantasy Wisdom, exploding out the tip, uninhibited, and showering my league mates with the Fantasy Knowledge they so desperately craved. The buzzing of my Fantasy office headquarters (in my head) with a staff hard at work, was music to my ears. As they concocted another perfectly crafted write-up, I would gleefully tune into the wonderous sounds of furious keystrokes typing away, phones ringing off the hook, and Georgie in accounting hitting on the intern. I had engineered a modern-day marvel, unmatched by the likes of any mortal to walk the face of the Earth. I somehow managed to marry the intense power and suave of a divine T-Sizzle love ballad to transcendentally birth a carefully stroked masterpiece of Fantasy Knowledge, week after week, delivered to you all like a stream of consciousness From the Fantasy Gods themselves, plugged directly into the heart and soul of our league. I was the messiah.
Again I ask, what happened? As I lied crumpled on the floor, naked and afraid in the dark, desolate staff headquarters nestled deep within the inner sanctum of my shattered psyche, I was forced to acknowledge I was a broken man. My once mighty empire had fallen from grace and is now a mere memory that has all but faded away into the lost chasms of a time when Fantasy write-ups were the life blood that fueled our league. What have I become? I tearfully scanned the barren and trashed hallways of the Passionate Playback offices, finding nothing but the rubble left in my wake. Did I push my staff too hard? Did I put greatness above their personal well-being? No. Never. Their unionization efforts had to be thwarted. I couldn’t risk ceding any proprietary control over everything I had worked so hard to build myself. I did this goddamnit! I was the chosen one! Not them!
Who was I kidding? As I peered over to find a puddle of piss under a message crudely written in pig’s blood on the wall that read, “Go Fuck Yourself Supreme Leader!” I began to weep uncontrollably. I could barely recognize the yellow-y reflection pathetically looking back at me in the still steamy pool of urination. A sick metaphor for the shambles that my Fantasy Write-Ups have now become. I continued to debase myself, leaving endless tear-filled voice messages to my former staff members pleading for their return, a clear violation of my court ordered restraining notice. They all went unanswered.
So now we arrive here. Four weeks into a new season and I’ve been staring at a blank Word doc for untold hours, while the anger fills within me more and more as the flashing cursor blinks away to eternity. Does my team suck? Yes. Is my former staff of cowards gone forever. That’s fucking right. But you know what happened? Like a Fantasy Sith Lord, the all-consuming hate I experienced began to rise up from within my two, giant, humongous balls until a commanding, stone-like, stiffness sprung the lightsaber affixed to my groin out fully until it stood protruding erect and ready to penetrate anything in its path. Harnessing the hate, my mind was hit harder with a bout of piercing, intense clarity than Bambi getting blown to smithereens by semi going 80 down the I-10. FUCK EM’!! I DON’T NEED THEM! I’ve never needed them. All I need is this here trusty Dell, a quad shot PSL from Starbies, my vape, and a classic T-Swift break up song blaring on my AirPods. My outlet has, and always will be the written word. So, as the ramblings of my inner Fantasy Psychosis are spilled out upon the page for you all to read, this goes far beyond the level of some simple cathartic relief. Nah, bitches. I am driven by pure, unadulterated revenge. So, yeah, fuck it. I guess I’m just going to do this myself. This is going to be some John Wick style shit, motherfucker. So, go on and ask it then… I know you are dying to. Just do it. Am I back?
So, rip the motherfuckin’ cobwebs off the motherfuckin’ jukebox, slide in that scratched to hell T-Siz CD, and start rage dancing to those diabolical break-up song lyrics. It’s Week 5, motherfuckas! Shall we?
1st Quarter Headlines:
Kyle fucks around; goes 4-0
Yeah, not sure how we arrived here either. Was his draft any good? Not particularly, as I think we would all agree he isn’t currently rostering a player that is truly anxiety inducing to go against. But my god, the man is beyond lucky. He is now coming off back-to-back weeks in which he has secured victories by 2.45 points and .45 points respectively. Fantasy is literally stupid and I hate it. He now enters into the meat of the season unblemished, with the arrogance and bravado only Kyle knows how to deliver. I am going to call it now though, there is no way in hell this is sustainable. The 4-0 record might be enough to get him into the playoffs, as he probably only needs a few more wins to get in at this point. However, when he inevitably slips up in the Kyle fashion we know and love, I for one will be waiting to point and laugh hysterically. It will come… *nervously* I hope it comes…
Death, Taxes, and Tyler losing in close games; Jared also getting in on that sick action
I literally don’t know how it is possible at this point when it comes to Tyler. The data seemingly continues to back up, as we have brought up multiple times in the past, that Tyler has an uncanny ability to consistently play in some of the closest games. Welp, in two out of the first four games, this theme has reared its ugly head as Tyler succumbed to the cruel mistress of defeat by five points in Week 3 and then by less than 1 point in Week 4. Jared, on the other hand, looked over at Tyler and emphatically asked to hold his beer as he went out and took losses of 8, 5, and 2 points in the first three weeks of play. I don’t have statistics on this, but a total of 5 out of the first 20 games of the season have now been decided by less than a 10 point margin, which I believe is the most ever through the first four weeks. Absolutely bonkers stuff. Our league is always crazy, but I don’t know if we reached this level before. It reminds me of the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all know how that turned out.
Y’all be spending that FAAB; 3 players go for $70 plus in the first 3 weeks
The season of high rollers it is. That’s right, gents, FAAB spending is way up in the fourth season of our new waiver system. It’s pretty clear over time we have figured out spending early and often has been the most widely recognized strategy to getting the biggest bang for your buck. However, we have taken it to a whole new level thus far. Six teams have spent virtually half of their allotted $200 and even Kyle of all people has spent $55. I get it. In Week’s 1-3, there is almost undoubtedly some league winners that are hiding away during draft time, only to make themselves very apparent in the early going of season. But, should we really be spending like KP wandering into an underground poker tournament in the backroom of a China Town laundry parlor? Speaking of KP, he still hasn’t relinquished a single penny of his FAAB. Saving it for something there, guy?
Awards:
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call Award – Week 2 Jared leaves in Christian Watson
Call it lazy managing, call it new father syndrome, or call it just plain old bad luck. But, however you go about assessing the situation, Jared leaving Christian Watson in his lineup has to go down as one of the most inexplicable managerial errors the league has ever seen. Losing by just 5 points to Daniel, any other receiver on Jared’s bench would have pushed him over the top against Daniel that week. This also sparked a bit of controversy as reports out of Jared’s camp have confirmed he did attempt to switch Watson out of his lineup. As such, should the commish have allowed him to fix his lineup a few minutes after the games have started once Jared noticed his error? I lean toward, yes. However, I still can’t in good conscious not give him the hardware strictly for not double checking his lineup prior to game time. Tough look for the young man. Why you headed to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Rod Kimble Biggest Most Disapointing Performance Award – KP’s Week 4 clunker
Coming into his Week 4 matchup against Daniel-San, KP was riding a 181 point high from the “Kevin Bowl”, which was good for highest single game output for the season at the time. He was seemingly snickling and fritzing with the best of them, out to prove his championship appearance from last year was no fluke. A win over Daniel would have given him a 3-1 record and right in the mix of the discussion of the best teams in the league. As we all should have expected though, KP’s team quickly stopped snickling and fritzing faster than Big Kev pre-ordering his tickets to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour Movie. And oh boy, was it disappointing. Daniel tried to give him the game, only mustering 134.45 points, but KP “outshittied” the former champion with an abhorrent 94.25 points. This of course is the worst output of the season so far, and an early contender for the season low. No, Kevin, I know for a fact you do not party. Okay? You do not party!
Power Rankings:
1. AlexAshak 3-1; Power Score: 9.2
Well looky here, if it isn’t our commissioner and reigning league champion coming in at the pole position of the first Power Rankings of the 2023 season. In all fairness, Alex’s season has been pretty darn good through the first four weeks, proudly holding a an absolutely astonishing 30-6 league record. On top of this, his 634.95 Points For, roughly 159 points per game, is pacing the league so far. Even though he had a Week 2 slip up against his big bro, Alex is the only team in the league to score above 150 points in each game this season. Quite the accomplishment. You know, I remember starting 3-1 and being number one in the Power Rankings last year also. I just can’t seem to remember how I finished though…
2. Kartier Kyle 4-0; Power Score: 8.2
Aaand here we go again. I have to talk about Kyle. Yeah, it really is like trying to figure out how string theory or quantam physics work when attempting to describe how Kyle just wins at Fantasy. I will never admit that he is any good. NEVER. Okay, I digress. I will point out that, as the only manager still containing an untarnished record, he has put up at least 140 points in each game this season. Additionally, he also holds the third best League Record, Points For, and Coach Performance. So, the number two spot is what he gets this week in the Power Rankings. Solid stuff. And that is what his team is… A nice, solid steaming pile of number two.
3. tborgs 2-2; Power Score: 7
Sliding into the number three spot is our man Tyler, once again proving to be the enigma of Fantasy Enigmas yet again this season. I think they call that a Modus Operandi. Let’s see, two wins where he clearly drummed both Grant and KP, topping 160 points. Then came the weirdness in Week’s 3 and 4 where he did put up 163 against Alex in a loss, and then just 140 in his loss to Kyle. Luck unfortunately was just not his side, as he is currently second in the league in Points For and League Record. Three straight games over 160 points would normally indicate a white-hot start, but it’s just never to be for the man who hasn’t won a chip since pre-Sleeper. At 2-2, he is still right in the mix, but Madame Inconsistency’s mysterious affection for his team won’t seem to go away. I can’t blame her though, word on the street is his team has the hottest ass.
4. Cholgerson34 3-1; Power Score: 6.8
At number four, let’s send in the Car. Three wins through the first four games and a 190 burger in Week 4 has Carl riding high in the early going of the season. I mean, we have seen this movie before (2021 anyone?). Still, Carl has to be feeling great about his chances after escaping back-to-back games with less than 120 points to start the season, going 1-1 over that frame. Now, after stringing off back-to-back weeks surpassing 160 points (with one over 190) he has successfully propelled himself into the top half of the Power Rankings. No team has yet to hit the 190 barrier this season, and his stock seems to be way up with the saavy waiver decision to spend on De’von Achane. Can this be the year when he proves he has the mettle to compete for a championship? Only time will tell, just like only time will tell if Alex ever decides to pull the trigger on those slick leather assless chaps he has on his Amazon wish list. FYI, Alex, I heard Jared bought the same pair last year and he swears by them.
5. Kshak 2-2; Power Score: 6.65
Fuck you, Kevin! You don’t deserve mention. All I’ll say is... Week 9.
I’ll be waiting, sweetie 😉.
6. DanielWest 3-1; Power Score: 5.8
Ahhh Daniel-San coming in at the number six hole. As is always the case, I think it’s best to turn to the league’s most beloved intrepid reporter on Dan the Man’s team. The one they call the Sideline Strutter, the Foxy Bahama Mama, and the only ever winner of the Nashville, Tennessee Marriott’s Wet T-Shirt contest, Ms. Erin Andrews! Erin, after an opening week defeat, Dan has racked up three straight victories en route to his 3-1 record, but still holds a pedestrian 17-19 League Record. Has, Daniel shown any concern at all about this?
“No.”
Simply Amazing reporting there, Erin. The only thing that blows us away more than your utmost dedication to the craft, is how you look in a string bikini. You keep those buns looking tight as ever! Until next time, that was the one and only Erin Andrews reporting live from Daniel’s team headquarters.
7. BigPapaPump92 2-2; Power Score: 4.15
Rounding out the last of the teams with at least two wins, we find KP hanging around in the number seven position of the Power Rankings. As was mentioned earlier, KP pulled a classic KP by topping 180 points in Week 3, to only go out and shit the bed to the tune of 94 points in Week 4. So, I don’t really know what to say about his season so far. Literally the only thing holding his team up is a lucky Week 2 win over Carl, and of course the 180 spot in Week 3 in the “Kevin Bowl”. Other than that, it’s been regularly scheduled programming as usual for the embattled manager, middling around with a 13-23 League Record, and finding himself dead last in both Points For and Coach Performance (144.2 points left on his bench). Just not the stuff you want to see if he is going to make a repeat run at a title game appearance. Speaking of stuff you don’t want to see…
The Underdogs:
8. KenUdigit 0-4; Power Score: 4
9. jressa 1-3; Power Score: 3.15
10. jweverstad 0-4; Power Score: 3.1
In the number eight position is Grant, and his perfectly clean, lavender scented game day shorts. Since his 2020 championship, his refusing to donate those splooge-filled shorts of legend to the league hall of fame has cost him dearly in the karma department. Grant had big plans to once again give his shorts the jizz fest they they so very much deserved over the last three seasons, but to no one's delight, they have remained cleaner than my freshly shaved bald scalp. Wouldn’t you know it, for the third consecutive year it looks like it is going to remain that way, as his 0-4 start has all but put his 2023 campaign on life support. You just hate to see it.
As for Jared and I, well we too both sit uncharacteristically in the cellar of the league, and I have to say, at this point we both are living on a hope and prayer. Jared has been fuuuucked, hard, by the long shaft of bad luck, but I have just been plain bad. I can’t personally get out of my own way, making bad sit/start decisions, and inexplicably just handed over my in the moment prized draft pick, Anthony Richardson, to Tyler. I… don’t have an explanation other than I am just terrible at Fantasy. There is one funny little stat from last year that I can’t seem to shake, however. Alex and KP, our two teams who battled it out in the 2022 championship, both were 1-3 after four weeks of play… What’s my record, again? Hmmmm….
Well, gentlemen, that is going to do it for me. For the first time in about six years, I will give a big Fuck You to my former staff (living inside my head). I do wish everyone good luck in the coming week except for Big Kev, I hope he loses by 100. It has been… interesting coming back again for another season. Here’s to hoping I can knock out a few more. Peace out!
What happened? It’s all so different now. A spark of excitement once burned brightly through the bustling hallways of a vibrant staff headquarters (inside my head) that could light up a thousand joints filled with the dankest of danks. And, now? I must reckon with the grim reality that I have been reduced to nothing more than a hollowed out limp-schlong of a man humiliatingly longing to find excitement in the relentless and unforgiving world of Fantasy. Gone are the days where the palpable energy of a new season would flow free from my mightily long, fully erect shaft of Fantasy Wisdom, exploding out the tip, uninhibited, and showering my league mates with the Fantasy Knowledge they so desperately craved. The buzzing of my Fantasy office headquarters (in my head) with a staff hard at work, was music to my ears. As they concocted another perfectly crafted write-up, I would gleefully tune into the wonderous sounds of furious keystrokes typing away, phones ringing off the hook, and Georgie in accounting hitting on the intern. I had engineered a modern-day marvel, unmatched by the likes of any mortal to walk the face of the Earth. I somehow managed to marry the intense power and suave of a divine T-Sizzle love ballad to transcendentally birth a carefully stroked masterpiece of Fantasy Knowledge, week after week, delivered to you all like a stream of consciousness From the Fantasy Gods themselves, plugged directly into the heart and soul of our league. I was the messiah.
Again I ask, what happened? As I lied crumpled on the floor, naked and afraid in the dark, desolate staff headquarters nestled deep within the inner sanctum of my shattered psyche, I was forced to acknowledge I was a broken man. My once mighty empire had fallen from grace and is now a mere memory that has all but faded away into the lost chasms of a time when Fantasy write-ups were the life blood that fueled our league. What have I become? I tearfully scanned the barren and trashed hallways of the Passionate Playback offices, finding nothing but the rubble left in my wake. Did I push my staff too hard? Did I put greatness above their personal well-being? No. Never. Their unionization efforts had to be thwarted. I couldn’t risk ceding any proprietary control over everything I had worked so hard to build myself. I did this goddamnit! I was the chosen one! Not them!
Who was I kidding? As I peered over to find a puddle of piss under a message crudely written in pig’s blood on the wall that read, “Go Fuck Yourself Supreme Leader!” I began to weep uncontrollably. I could barely recognize the yellow-y reflection pathetically looking back at me in the still steamy pool of urination. A sick metaphor for the shambles that my Fantasy Write-Ups have now become. I continued to debase myself, leaving endless tear-filled voice messages to my former staff members pleading for their return, a clear violation of my court ordered restraining notice. They all went unanswered.
So now we arrive here. Four weeks into a new season and I’ve been staring at a blank Word doc for untold hours, while the anger fills within me more and more as the flashing cursor blinks away to eternity. Does my team suck? Yes. Is my former staff of cowards gone forever. That’s fucking right. But you know what happened? Like a Fantasy Sith Lord, the all-consuming hate I experienced began to rise up from within my two, giant, humongous balls until a commanding, stone-like, stiffness sprung the lightsaber affixed to my groin out fully until it stood protruding erect and ready to penetrate anything in its path. Harnessing the hate, my mind was hit harder with a bout of piercing, intense clarity than Bambi getting blown to smithereens by semi going 80 down the I-10. FUCK EM’!! I DON’T NEED THEM! I’ve never needed them. All I need is this here trusty Dell, a quad shot PSL from Starbies, my vape, and a classic T-Swift break up song blaring on my AirPods. My outlet has, and always will be the written word. So, as the ramblings of my inner Fantasy Psychosis are spilled out upon the page for you all to read, this goes far beyond the level of some simple cathartic relief. Nah, bitches. I am driven by pure, unadulterated revenge. So, yeah, fuck it. I guess I’m just going to do this myself. This is going to be some John Wick style shit, motherfucker. So, go on and ask it then… I know you are dying to. Just do it. Am I back?
So, rip the motherfuckin’ cobwebs off the motherfuckin’ jukebox, slide in that scratched to hell T-Siz CD, and start rage dancing to those diabolical break-up song lyrics. It’s Week 5, motherfuckas! Shall we?
1st Quarter Headlines:
Kyle fucks around; goes 4-0
Yeah, not sure how we arrived here either. Was his draft any good? Not particularly, as I think we would all agree he isn’t currently rostering a player that is truly anxiety inducing to go against. But my god, the man is beyond lucky. He is now coming off back-to-back weeks in which he has secured victories by 2.45 points and .45 points respectively. Fantasy is literally stupid and I hate it. He now enters into the meat of the season unblemished, with the arrogance and bravado only Kyle knows how to deliver. I am going to call it now though, there is no way in hell this is sustainable. The 4-0 record might be enough to get him into the playoffs, as he probably only needs a few more wins to get in at this point. However, when he inevitably slips up in the Kyle fashion we know and love, I for one will be waiting to point and laugh hysterically. It will come… *nervously* I hope it comes…
Death, Taxes, and Tyler losing in close games; Jared also getting in on that sick action
I literally don’t know how it is possible at this point when it comes to Tyler. The data seemingly continues to back up, as we have brought up multiple times in the past, that Tyler has an uncanny ability to consistently play in some of the closest games. Welp, in two out of the first four games, this theme has reared its ugly head as Tyler succumbed to the cruel mistress of defeat by five points in Week 3 and then by less than 1 point in Week 4. Jared, on the other hand, looked over at Tyler and emphatically asked to hold his beer as he went out and took losses of 8, 5, and 2 points in the first three weeks of play. I don’t have statistics on this, but a total of 5 out of the first 20 games of the season have now been decided by less than a 10 point margin, which I believe is the most ever through the first four weeks. Absolutely bonkers stuff. Our league is always crazy, but I don’t know if we reached this level before. It reminds me of the Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all know how that turned out.
Y’all be spending that FAAB; 3 players go for $70 plus in the first 3 weeks
The season of high rollers it is. That’s right, gents, FAAB spending is way up in the fourth season of our new waiver system. It’s pretty clear over time we have figured out spending early and often has been the most widely recognized strategy to getting the biggest bang for your buck. However, we have taken it to a whole new level thus far. Six teams have spent virtually half of their allotted $200 and even Kyle of all people has spent $55. I get it. In Week’s 1-3, there is almost undoubtedly some league winners that are hiding away during draft time, only to make themselves very apparent in the early going of season. But, should we really be spending like KP wandering into an underground poker tournament in the backroom of a China Town laundry parlor? Speaking of KP, he still hasn’t relinquished a single penny of his FAAB. Saving it for something there, guy?
Awards:
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Dumbest Call Award – Week 2 Jared leaves in Christian Watson
Call it lazy managing, call it new father syndrome, or call it just plain old bad luck. But, however you go about assessing the situation, Jared leaving Christian Watson in his lineup has to go down as one of the most inexplicable managerial errors the league has ever seen. Losing by just 5 points to Daniel, any other receiver on Jared’s bench would have pushed him over the top against Daniel that week. This also sparked a bit of controversy as reports out of Jared’s camp have confirmed he did attempt to switch Watson out of his lineup. As such, should the commish have allowed him to fix his lineup a few minutes after the games have started once Jared noticed his error? I lean toward, yes. However, I still can’t in good conscious not give him the hardware strictly for not double checking his lineup prior to game time. Tough look for the young man. Why you headed to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Rod Kimble Biggest Most Disapointing Performance Award – KP’s Week 4 clunker
Coming into his Week 4 matchup against Daniel-San, KP was riding a 181 point high from the “Kevin Bowl”, which was good for highest single game output for the season at the time. He was seemingly snickling and fritzing with the best of them, out to prove his championship appearance from last year was no fluke. A win over Daniel would have given him a 3-1 record and right in the mix of the discussion of the best teams in the league. As we all should have expected though, KP’s team quickly stopped snickling and fritzing faster than Big Kev pre-ordering his tickets to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour Movie. And oh boy, was it disappointing. Daniel tried to give him the game, only mustering 134.45 points, but KP “outshittied” the former champion with an abhorrent 94.25 points. This of course is the worst output of the season so far, and an early contender for the season low. No, Kevin, I know for a fact you do not party. Okay? You do not party!
Power Rankings:
1. AlexAshak 3-1; Power Score: 9.2
Well looky here, if it isn’t our commissioner and reigning league champion coming in at the pole position of the first Power Rankings of the 2023 season. In all fairness, Alex’s season has been pretty darn good through the first four weeks, proudly holding a an absolutely astonishing 30-6 league record. On top of this, his 634.95 Points For, roughly 159 points per game, is pacing the league so far. Even though he had a Week 2 slip up against his big bro, Alex is the only team in the league to score above 150 points in each game this season. Quite the accomplishment. You know, I remember starting 3-1 and being number one in the Power Rankings last year also. I just can’t seem to remember how I finished though…
2. Kartier Kyle 4-0; Power Score: 8.2
Aaand here we go again. I have to talk about Kyle. Yeah, it really is like trying to figure out how string theory or quantam physics work when attempting to describe how Kyle just wins at Fantasy. I will never admit that he is any good. NEVER. Okay, I digress. I will point out that, as the only manager still containing an untarnished record, he has put up at least 140 points in each game this season. Additionally, he also holds the third best League Record, Points For, and Coach Performance. So, the number two spot is what he gets this week in the Power Rankings. Solid stuff. And that is what his team is… A nice, solid steaming pile of number two.
3. tborgs 2-2; Power Score: 7
Sliding into the number three spot is our man Tyler, once again proving to be the enigma of Fantasy Enigmas yet again this season. I think they call that a Modus Operandi. Let’s see, two wins where he clearly drummed both Grant and KP, topping 160 points. Then came the weirdness in Week’s 3 and 4 where he did put up 163 against Alex in a loss, and then just 140 in his loss to Kyle. Luck unfortunately was just not his side, as he is currently second in the league in Points For and League Record. Three straight games over 160 points would normally indicate a white-hot start, but it’s just never to be for the man who hasn’t won a chip since pre-Sleeper. At 2-2, he is still right in the mix, but Madame Inconsistency’s mysterious affection for his team won’t seem to go away. I can’t blame her though, word on the street is his team has the hottest ass.
4. Cholgerson34 3-1; Power Score: 6.8
At number four, let’s send in the Car. Three wins through the first four games and a 190 burger in Week 4 has Carl riding high in the early going of the season. I mean, we have seen this movie before (2021 anyone?). Still, Carl has to be feeling great about his chances after escaping back-to-back games with less than 120 points to start the season, going 1-1 over that frame. Now, after stringing off back-to-back weeks surpassing 160 points (with one over 190) he has successfully propelled himself into the top half of the Power Rankings. No team has yet to hit the 190 barrier this season, and his stock seems to be way up with the saavy waiver decision to spend on De’von Achane. Can this be the year when he proves he has the mettle to compete for a championship? Only time will tell, just like only time will tell if Alex ever decides to pull the trigger on those slick leather assless chaps he has on his Amazon wish list. FYI, Alex, I heard Jared bought the same pair last year and he swears by them.
5. Kshak 2-2; Power Score: 6.65
Fuck you, Kevin! You don’t deserve mention. All I’ll say is... Week 9.
I’ll be waiting, sweetie 😉.
6. DanielWest 3-1; Power Score: 5.8
Ahhh Daniel-San coming in at the number six hole. As is always the case, I think it’s best to turn to the league’s most beloved intrepid reporter on Dan the Man’s team. The one they call the Sideline Strutter, the Foxy Bahama Mama, and the only ever winner of the Nashville, Tennessee Marriott’s Wet T-Shirt contest, Ms. Erin Andrews! Erin, after an opening week defeat, Dan has racked up three straight victories en route to his 3-1 record, but still holds a pedestrian 17-19 League Record. Has, Daniel shown any concern at all about this?
“No.”
Simply Amazing reporting there, Erin. The only thing that blows us away more than your utmost dedication to the craft, is how you look in a string bikini. You keep those buns looking tight as ever! Until next time, that was the one and only Erin Andrews reporting live from Daniel’s team headquarters.
7. BigPapaPump92 2-2; Power Score: 4.15
Rounding out the last of the teams with at least two wins, we find KP hanging around in the number seven position of the Power Rankings. As was mentioned earlier, KP pulled a classic KP by topping 180 points in Week 3, to only go out and shit the bed to the tune of 94 points in Week 4. So, I don’t really know what to say about his season so far. Literally the only thing holding his team up is a lucky Week 2 win over Carl, and of course the 180 spot in Week 3 in the “Kevin Bowl”. Other than that, it’s been regularly scheduled programming as usual for the embattled manager, middling around with a 13-23 League Record, and finding himself dead last in both Points For and Coach Performance (144.2 points left on his bench). Just not the stuff you want to see if he is going to make a repeat run at a title game appearance. Speaking of stuff you don’t want to see…
The Underdogs:
8. KenUdigit 0-4; Power Score: 4
9. jressa 1-3; Power Score: 3.15
10. jweverstad 0-4; Power Score: 3.1
In the number eight position is Grant, and his perfectly clean, lavender scented game day shorts. Since his 2020 championship, his refusing to donate those splooge-filled shorts of legend to the league hall of fame has cost him dearly in the karma department. Grant had big plans to once again give his shorts the jizz fest they they so very much deserved over the last three seasons, but to no one's delight, they have remained cleaner than my freshly shaved bald scalp. Wouldn’t you know it, for the third consecutive year it looks like it is going to remain that way, as his 0-4 start has all but put his 2023 campaign on life support. You just hate to see it.
As for Jared and I, well we too both sit uncharacteristically in the cellar of the league, and I have to say, at this point we both are living on a hope and prayer. Jared has been fuuuucked, hard, by the long shaft of bad luck, but I have just been plain bad. I can’t personally get out of my own way, making bad sit/start decisions, and inexplicably just handed over my in the moment prized draft pick, Anthony Richardson, to Tyler. I… don’t have an explanation other than I am just terrible at Fantasy. There is one funny little stat from last year that I can’t seem to shake, however. Alex and KP, our two teams who battled it out in the 2022 championship, both were 1-3 after four weeks of play… What’s my record, again? Hmmmm….
Well, gentlemen, that is going to do it for me. For the first time in about six years, I will give a big Fuck You to my former staff (living inside my head). I do wish everyone good luck in the coming week except for Big Kev, I hope he loses by 100. It has been… interesting coming back again for another season. Here’s to hoping I can knock out a few more. Peace out!