2022 Season Preview
The Intro:
A moment in time. Earmarked into the ever-expanding history books of life, to just be lost upon its endless pages… forever. Why should it even matter? Why does… Fantasy matter? I mean ultimately it doesn’t. Right? So why is it we so often delve into the ancient recesses of our mind, exploring aimlessly through the dark, fucked up crevices, only to illuminate the putrid, decaying piles of shit that is our most agonizing and painful defeats? Rationally speaking, we know it is but another meaningless moment in time, amidst a thousand million more throughout this crazy little thing we call life. Yet, they still find a way to seep back into our brains and ravage the soul, keeping you up late into the night while you forcibly stuff down an entire family sized bag of Doritos, hoping to numb the pain. Even as you wash it all down with a freshly opened tub of Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road, it is but a futile attempt to wash away the unbearable hurt. It’s not until after a trip to the Taco Bell and you’re powering through your fifth Chipotle Cheddar Chalupa, that you black out and pass out on the floor in a gluttonous heap of shame and humiliation. The following day, our bodies naturally purge the egregious caloric overload of food from our system in a brutal punishment of our assholes upon the porcelain throne. Our demented and fucked up subconscious, however? It would never let us off that easy. It’s revenge does not deal with the physical, rather the psychological. The memories never leave us, they remain firmly imprinted thereupon our internal hard drive of the subliminal self, unable to be deleted into the ether. And, we all know that no matter how much we promise ourselves never to let our inner thoughts wander off in the night, and click open on the folder filled with those shadowy grim memories, we aren’t going to keep that promise… Are we? For as long as we humans have existed within the realms of time, and the game of Fantasy Football continues to reign supreme in its ability to stake its gripping hold over the psyche of man, we will never be beings of free will. It’s the ultimate price that we must pay for shirking the pleasantries of but a simple, carefree life, to take up arms against our closest friends on thy hallowed grounds of the virtual gridiron.
Listen, I too cannot recuse myself of the trappings of despair that Fantasy has brought about.
Specifically, for me, it was one of the hardest endings to a season I had ever experienced. Thus, I didn’t know if I could honestly be able to put pen to paper again and cover the only league I’ve ever loved. I think it was when we were packing up our things and turning off the last of the lights at the Staff headquarters, when it truly hit me. As I said the final goodbyes to my beloved staff and closed up shop for the Winter, I thought to myself, “What if this is it? What if this is as far as I go?” In that moment, forever closing down the doors of the same halls I once frolicked to-and-fro in jovial bliss seemed like my only option. I just couldn’t bear to bring the fine folks living in my head back to work for me again and face having to look them in the eye after coming so close to glory. No mid offseason write-up. No “A Fantasy Life” for the league champion. Nothing but crickets for an entire offseason.
But, the funniest little thing happens… It happens to all of us I suspect. You notice an ever so faint, shimmering little flicker of light peering above the nightstand. As the midnight oil burns, you sit lifelessly staring at the wall, contemplating the great paradoxes of Fantasy in your dimly lit room, and you glance over to see the Sleeper notification on your phone. “Draft time has been set”. Just like that, like an instinctual calling from our ancestors of Fantasy Past, a sweeping surge of energy begins to build from deep within your loins. Surprisingly, the heavy burdens of past defeats begin to feel lighter and lighter until it dissipates into a certain weightlessness. All of your senses heighten. The little hairs on the back of your neck raise. A delectable taste fills your mouth, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is. You shock even yourself when it hits you that the mysterious flavor can only be described as literal “American Freedom”. Caught up in the delirium, you eagerly take a giant whiff. You’re in utter disbelief with yourself as you reach the conclusion that it is in fact the actual scent of “Democracy”. When you finally realize what is happening, you just let yourself succumb to the insane vibes, relinquishing total control to this ancient power source growing inside of you.
It’s at this point, the air around you becomes so light, you start to believe you are actually floating like a jelly bird through the essence of Fantasy Divinity. it’s almost as if you are in fact hovering outside your own body, staring down at yourself. Without warning, you notice at some juncture of this spiritual journey you have completely de-clothed, but you have no recollection of doing so. There you are, standing completely butt-ass naked, vigorously erect, and with arms wide open. The sheer exhilaration, raging between your legs, heightens even more as a foggy mist begins to slowly fill your room. Like a gassy mixture of tenderness and affection, everything goes dark until you are drenched fully in a cloud of Fantasy Love. Suddenly, a blinding light appears, piercing through the haze. The humming of the melodies and timbres comprising the beautiful harmonic tone of a Taylor Swift love ballad, begins to become audible in the distance. It’s almost like a mix between Fergie and Jesus! It persists to get louder and louder when the door to your room swings open to reveal a silhouette of a glowing, effervescent, perfect being walking through while strumming a guitar. You rub your eyes in disbelief, trying to confirm that what you are seeing is really happening. It. Just. Can’t. Be. It’s none other than country/pop mega star and our league’s main girl, T-Motherfucking-Sizzle!!! You’re overcome with emotion. Starstruck that she is right there in front of you in the flesh. Except, she has majestic 10-foot angel wings, and she’s wearing a sexy cutoff tuxedo T-Shirt, aviator shades, and tight little daisy dukes. By her side is a full choir of big titted Fantasy Angels in skimpy bikinis singing back up as she starts throwing down a dope ass love song. You immediately fall to your knees, burying your head in your hands, and weeping in joy like a little girl. As the first verse kicks in, she calmly bends over, reaches out, and gently lifts your head. As you look up, mid-singing, she slides you an ever so soft little grin, and then extends to you one of her wings. Without saying a word, you raise up off floor, mount that bad boy up like it’s Secratariat, and… Boom! As the chorus hits, you take off like a rocket ship, busting through the ceiling of your room, off into space in a blink of an eye, traveling warp speed. She continues to belt out those angelic lyrics at the top her lungs, and you can feel them flowing through each and every inch of your body as you fly through space. You giddily wave passing by Mars, then Uranus, and then Pluto. As you make it out the Milky Way, you are full-on surfing her wings like a galactic Kelly Slater, dancing with the other angels like your made of starlight. The bridge comes and the song slows. You turn around, and lock eyes with the Swiftinator. Like a scene from a movie, you share an intense gaze with each other as she sings and dances in slow motion, while you just sit, mouth ajar in amazement. Just as a song hits a big drop, she smiles and gives you a quick nod, then… Bam! She immediately starts to shred an epic solo for the finale, simultaneously unleashing a giant lightning bolt of Fantasy Love right out from the end of her guitar, striking the tip of your rock-hard schlong. Right then, the pent-up power source that had been brewing up this whole time cannot be held back anymore. It finally reaches its climax, exploding in orgasmic euphoria, bursting out of you in a glorious jizz of destiny. You pick up even more speed, passing through galaxy after galaxy, body shaking, cumming harder and harder each time she strikes a sick note on her guitar. It feels like it lasts for an eternity in the single greatest splooge-a-thon you have ever experienced in your life, spreading your seed across the time space continuum.
As the music fades, so does your vision, and you suddenly wake up nude on the floor of your room doused in sweat and semen. The light from the morning sun shines through the window, glistening upon your supple bare butt cheeks. You groggily pull your ass up and stumble to the window, pressing your hand to the glass. You gaze out on the world to admire it in its full beauty. The bluebirds are singing, the neighbor kids are playing hopscotch, and the Amazon Delivery driver chucks a package labeled “fragile” on to the doorsteps of the Karen next door. You can hardly hold back the tears, in total awe at the great wonders of life. A smile quickly runs across your face as you reflect back on your grand voyage. You can feel the liberating sensation of removing the shackles of Fantasy Misery from your once broken ego. You take a deep breath and let it out. The all-mighty sense of hope, ignited by our one true Fantasy Savior, T Siz, has returned in a fiery blaze of passion within your gut. You can’t keep the excitement within you as you slowly raise your fist above your head. Then with head held high, fist to the sky, balls dangling free, and the neighborhood as your witness, you exclaim in one triumphant roar, “FANTASY IS HERE AT LAST!”
It’s a beautiful thing gentleman. The winds of Winter have long since settled and the dog days of Summer are quickly coming to a timely end. As the tides of Fall rise up, so do I, fresh off a psychedelic trip to the Fantasy Heavens, and just in time to prepare you all for what we are on the precipice of experiencing. A brand spanking new season of Fantasy Football! No longer do I suffer from a crippling case of writer’s block, brought forth by the despair of the tragic ending to last season. Nay! The staff and I are back and better than ever baby! This season, you already know we are cooking up some of our purest hot takes to date, cut with our patented blend of ridiculous metaphors and vulgar similes that you all have come to know and love. Oh and of course, how can we forget about those power rankings? We’ve got it all, ready to be crushed up, spread out on a hooker’s ass, and divied into lines for each and every one of you to take a giant-sized rail of. Baby we are back! So without further ado, let’s get to it. It’s Fantasy 2022! Letssss Goooooo!!!
Team by Team Preview:
DanielWest
Well, what better place to start than to take a look at our defending champion. Coming off the single greatest performance in a championship game that we might ever see (238.4 points in the first week, highest point total in one week of Fantasy in league history), Daniel comes into this season looking to do what no manager has ever accomplished in league history: The Repeat. Considering, over the past two seasons he has racked up 19 wins to a grand total of just six losses (best of anyone in that time frame), he has one of the best shots the league has ever seen to pull off the unimaginable and capture the dream for a second consecutive year. However, as we so often point out time after time, the odds of actually achieving the repeat in a re-draft league are astronomical when you take into account the extreme level of difficulty this feat presents. Going through and building a whole new team from scratch, and delivering yet again on top shelf Fantasy Play, in a league that is so dialed in no less, is an extremely tough ask. That said, it wasn’t long ago before he started this blistering stretch of dominance that he was widely considered one of the bottom tier managers in the league. As was commonly the case prior to the last two seasons, Daniel-san frequently found himself middling around near the bottom of the standings, trying to avoid last place. This is all not to mention, that no matter how good you are at Fantasy Football, sometimes the off years are just unavoidable. Ultimately, it brings to the forefront an interesting storyline for the young man this year: Can he keep it up and do what no else has ever done? Or, will the impending turn of misfortune finally come around this season to bite him squarely in the ass? Only time will tell. But, the staff and I aren’t placing any bets on it anytime soon. In fact we will not be doing any betting this season, even if we wanted to. Unfortunately, George in R & D has a lawful court order restraining him from going within 500 feet of a any casino. That’s as much as I will say on that. Georgie doesn’t like when I bring the up “cocktail waitress” incident.
AlexAshak
Next up, we find The Commish, our fearless leader who has consistently delivered quality fantasy performances over the course of the last three years. To date, since switching to Sleeper, Alex has accumulated the best overall regular season record of any manager (26-12), and his consistent play has earned him a spot in the playoffs two of the last three seasons, only to finish 3rd, and 2nd in both of those years respectively. Much is made ado about the regular season dominance of yours truly, while being unable to hoist a belt. However, it has been Alex as well who has quietly been a playoff stalwart while failing tremendously at reaching the promised land, with his lack of titles to go along with such stellar seasons. However, with a new season, comes new hope for one of the best managers in the league. As it stands now, he sits in rare company being one of the favorites entering 2022, as his pedigree of masterful strokes upon the waiver wires to acquire key season long starters has been nothing short of magician level wizardry. This was evidenced last year by his nabbing of Cordarrelle Patterson, who astoundingly put up one of the most unexpected yet dazzling performances we’ve seen. Hence, we must give props where props are due, and tip the cap to The Commish for his terrific play over the last three years. So, does he have a shot? One of the best, if you ask the staff. But that’s the thing about shots, at some point, if you take too many, you black out and wake up delirious the next day with a sore bum and in the bed of random dude calling you “honey” and offering you freshly cooked Belgian waffles. KP knows what I’m talking about.
jweverstad
As we make our way across the league, next we arrive at the mangy grangy Jared, and his “innovative” approach to Fantasy. While his brash demeanor and ultimate tough guy antics off the virtual field seem to portray a certain level of supremacy over his competition, the same can’t be said about his Fantasy Teams’ performance on the actual field. His pedestrian 12-13 record over his last two campaigns (he did not manage a team in 2019) has dispelled the air of superiority he wants you to believe he has. Nevertheless, last season he did manage to ride his Charge-o-Dagger to an 8-5 record to supplant himself in the top 4 of the final standings for first time in over 4 years in the league. Yet, when it mattered most, his once mighty dagger went limp as he was quickly ousted in the first round of the playoffs to Kevin and his continued baffling playoff success. Jared now enters 2022 just as he always does, a dark horse that can easily take home the belt with his proven track record from many years of Fantasy Experience. Still though, he will have to overcome his self-inflicted miscues stemming from his inability to believe anything other than he is the best Fantasy Player in the history of the universe. He Good. But… is he that good? *Shrugs*
tborgs4
Coming in next we have Tyler, coming off yet another post ESPN App debacle of a season. Our final champion prior to the league made the switch to Sleeper, the past three years have not been the best for the young man. His overall 20-18 record is 5th overall in that span, but he has made the playoffs only once in the last three seasons, which of course was a first-round exit in 2020. Now, we all know Tyler has some Fantasy chops at his disposal, but he has failed to capitalize in any meaningful way to create any sort of consistency. This has been his M.O. ever since I’ve been playing with him after the merging of the Emotional Friends League and the American Fantasy Football Association of America. Great performances one week and then duds the next. That has ultimately been the case for the last 4 years making the playoffs (and winning a championship in 2018) in one year, and badly missing the playoffs in the following. Considering he is coming off a 7th place finish last year, we are inclined to believe Tyler finds himself right where he wants to be, primed to bounce back in 2022 and contend for a title yet again. I don’t think the staff has the balls to say it won’t happen, but we also don’t have the balls to do a lot of things. Just last week, I was dared to put ranch dressing on my macaroni… I didn’t do it.
Kshak
Welp, next on the docket, we have the good ole’ Kevin Eleven himself. I get that with my bitter blood fued extending into the 2022 season with whom is the luckiest manager in Fantasy Football history, next to Trevor (#neverforget), you might be lead to believe that my level of objectivity could be clouded by my Fantasy disgust of Big Kev. Listen, I completely get where you are coming from and it is totally reasonable for you to think that… but… uhhhh… I forgot what I was going to say.
Anyway, Kevin is coming off another flabbergasting playoff upset of Jared in the first round of the playoffs, after yet again sneaking into the playoffs with an underwhelming record. As is true Kevin fashion, he continues to assemble mediocre rosters and finish in the bottom half to middle of the standings every year, so there is no new piece of information that would lead us to believe that he is going to do any different this year. His drafting has always been subpar, his trade offers horrendous, and his waiver wire additions leaving a lot left to be desired. I will give him this, he didn’t draft a defense earlier than the 10th round again. So, he does have that going for him. Do the staff and I think he is going to have a good season? That would be a resounding: NO. But, will he make the playoffs barely and make an improbable run to the championship? For fuck sake I hope not, but it is definitely in the cards. I hope you wait up all night camping out in line for a signed copy of the new Taylor Swift album, and right when you get to the front she stops for the day and you don’t get your signed copy. I hope you know that pain, Kevin!
KenUdigit
Next in line, we have the GrantMaster, still riding high off his 2020 title so much so, he has yet to relinquish the belt to last years champion as we close in on the start of the 2022 season. Maybe he’s thinking if he holds onto it long enough, he can just win it back this year and he doesn’t have to capitulate to a peaceful transition of power. I don’t know, but peering into Grant’s fantasy history, there’s not a whole lot to go off of that is positive. Minus his 2020 chip, he somehow sandwiched that season with finishes at 9th and 10th in the regular season. I mean, considering Grant excelled to a title in his first true season (Jared drafted his 2019 team) what are we to make of his Fantasy Prowess? Was 2020 a one hit wonder, or was 2021 something of an aberration for a very skilled manager? This season will ultimately write the narrative on if he is to be viewed as a perennial contender, or just another Kevin. Typically bad, but might catch some luck in the playoffs every once in a while.
BigPapaPump92
Finding ourselves down the chain, stopping at KP, me and staff want to be able to lay on some level of praise to the struggling manager after his first season playing big time Fantasy Football. Yet, we obviously cannot. Much like most who enter into the league, with the competition level that much higher, it doesn’t usually go well. The teams are just bigger, stronger, and faster. If you are not ready you will get eaten alive and KP was no exception. He started slow, and then never really gained any footing, slipping all the way down the standings and finishing dead last after the losing the Toilet Bowl. With a year of experience under his belt, will it better his skillset and be just what the doctor ordered for KP to possibly contend for a playoff spot this go around? That is the big giant question hanging over his 2022 season right now. Based on what we saw last year, me and the staff aren’t liking his chances. Too many times he shot himself in the foot with poor managerial decisions, dating all the way back to his draft. Without the evidence, any definitive statement about a successful 2022 season for KP is circumstantial at best. Objection, your honor! Overruled!
Cholgerson34
Another case of not knowing what we are going to get, next on up is Carl. Our man Car started off his first season in the league in such a blaze that we were so impressed we missed the boat on our initial assessment. Here we were walking around thinking we had a real, top notch fantasy manager on our hands. But secretly, little did we know, he wasn’t THAT good. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the requisite acumen to be a perennial favorite. But we were ready to anoint the man as some sort of Fantasy Jesus. He turned a stellar draft into a sizzling 3-0 start, only to manage a measly two more wins over his final 10 games. That’s 2-8 folks. All this came after pulling the trigger on the biggest trade of 2021… which unequivocally backfired. His team was never the same, tanking week after week, until he petered out in a first-round playoff exit. The fact he snuck into the playoffs was minor miracle in itself, but one that should not be lost on us, as it can be something for the Car to build on. A few minor adjustments and he will be right there. Now, can we sit here today and say with any confidence that he has skills to make those adjustments and compete in a league of absolute killers? He’s shown flashes, but we just need more data to swing our answer one way or the other. Maybe, with a year of experience getting used to what he is facing on a weekly basis, he can step his game up in 2022 and be a real title contender. Until then, we aren’t ready to go that far just yet. Just like the chick we took to prom.
KartierKyle
It was only a matter of time, my friends, until we reached the team I am always least (or most?) excited to write about: our trusty friend, Kyle. Back to his same old ways, just another enigma of a draft for the embattled manager, taking early swipes at players slotted to go much later. I’m sure there will be plenty more head scratchers by midway through the season, which we will spare not one iota of mercy in brutally pointing out. If there was one manager we had to pick as the team we think suffers the wrath of me and my staff’s harsh criticism the most regularly, it would resoundingly be Kyle. Yet, the man wins. He just… wins. Don’t get me wrong, when he sucks, he suuuucks. But I mean he has multiple championships. Plural. Life’s not freaking fair. I- I can’t. I need to move on. Trying to explain how Kyle manages to win in Fantasy more often than not literally hurts my brain. It’s like trying to explain how Nicolas Cage won an Oscar. You know it happened per se, but our minds are actually completely incapable of creating the logical links in order to conceptualize the existence of this phenomena. So it doesn’t actually feel real.
jressa
I saved the best for last. Or maybe I was just dreading having to break down my team. Regardless, I don’t have to tell you all how I feel. The revenge train was running full speed all last season until Daniel through a wrench on the tracks, derailing what seemed like my destiny. So now I return, dead set once again on vengeance, out to prove to you all I am that much better. Three first place finishes over the last four seasons is all the evidence you need. Each and every year is my year, and mark my words: I will get one. Once it happens, the floodgates will open, but it takes just one. Will this be the year? Am I gonna say anything other than of course it fucking is? Be scared gentlemen. Be very scared. The J’s are out for blood and we ain’t stopping until we pummel each and every one you into fantasy oblivion and raise the belt once and for all. Respect the J’s, or expect delays.
Aaaand that will do it for this season’s first Passionate Playback. There wasn’t really much to play back considering it was a season preview, but that’s the name we chose for the write ups all those years ago, so we are sticking to it. I do love the name Kyle gave it: The Ressa Report. But it’s too late now for changing it up. Besides having to get the staff to go through all the branding changes in the office would be a logistical cluster fuck. So the name sticks for now. Thank you all for hanging in for just under 4700 words. It was quite the doozy. Anyway, we are stoked for the upcoming season and wish good luck to you all… you’re going to need it. Until next time, from the beautiful Danish countryside: Ressa Out!
A moment in time. Earmarked into the ever-expanding history books of life, to just be lost upon its endless pages… forever. Why should it even matter? Why does… Fantasy matter? I mean ultimately it doesn’t. Right? So why is it we so often delve into the ancient recesses of our mind, exploring aimlessly through the dark, fucked up crevices, only to illuminate the putrid, decaying piles of shit that is our most agonizing and painful defeats? Rationally speaking, we know it is but another meaningless moment in time, amidst a thousand million more throughout this crazy little thing we call life. Yet, they still find a way to seep back into our brains and ravage the soul, keeping you up late into the night while you forcibly stuff down an entire family sized bag of Doritos, hoping to numb the pain. Even as you wash it all down with a freshly opened tub of Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road, it is but a futile attempt to wash away the unbearable hurt. It’s not until after a trip to the Taco Bell and you’re powering through your fifth Chipotle Cheddar Chalupa, that you black out and pass out on the floor in a gluttonous heap of shame and humiliation. The following day, our bodies naturally purge the egregious caloric overload of food from our system in a brutal punishment of our assholes upon the porcelain throne. Our demented and fucked up subconscious, however? It would never let us off that easy. It’s revenge does not deal with the physical, rather the psychological. The memories never leave us, they remain firmly imprinted thereupon our internal hard drive of the subliminal self, unable to be deleted into the ether. And, we all know that no matter how much we promise ourselves never to let our inner thoughts wander off in the night, and click open on the folder filled with those shadowy grim memories, we aren’t going to keep that promise… Are we? For as long as we humans have existed within the realms of time, and the game of Fantasy Football continues to reign supreme in its ability to stake its gripping hold over the psyche of man, we will never be beings of free will. It’s the ultimate price that we must pay for shirking the pleasantries of but a simple, carefree life, to take up arms against our closest friends on thy hallowed grounds of the virtual gridiron.
Listen, I too cannot recuse myself of the trappings of despair that Fantasy has brought about.
Specifically, for me, it was one of the hardest endings to a season I had ever experienced. Thus, I didn’t know if I could honestly be able to put pen to paper again and cover the only league I’ve ever loved. I think it was when we were packing up our things and turning off the last of the lights at the Staff headquarters, when it truly hit me. As I said the final goodbyes to my beloved staff and closed up shop for the Winter, I thought to myself, “What if this is it? What if this is as far as I go?” In that moment, forever closing down the doors of the same halls I once frolicked to-and-fro in jovial bliss seemed like my only option. I just couldn’t bear to bring the fine folks living in my head back to work for me again and face having to look them in the eye after coming so close to glory. No mid offseason write-up. No “A Fantasy Life” for the league champion. Nothing but crickets for an entire offseason.
But, the funniest little thing happens… It happens to all of us I suspect. You notice an ever so faint, shimmering little flicker of light peering above the nightstand. As the midnight oil burns, you sit lifelessly staring at the wall, contemplating the great paradoxes of Fantasy in your dimly lit room, and you glance over to see the Sleeper notification on your phone. “Draft time has been set”. Just like that, like an instinctual calling from our ancestors of Fantasy Past, a sweeping surge of energy begins to build from deep within your loins. Surprisingly, the heavy burdens of past defeats begin to feel lighter and lighter until it dissipates into a certain weightlessness. All of your senses heighten. The little hairs on the back of your neck raise. A delectable taste fills your mouth, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is. You shock even yourself when it hits you that the mysterious flavor can only be described as literal “American Freedom”. Caught up in the delirium, you eagerly take a giant whiff. You’re in utter disbelief with yourself as you reach the conclusion that it is in fact the actual scent of “Democracy”. When you finally realize what is happening, you just let yourself succumb to the insane vibes, relinquishing total control to this ancient power source growing inside of you.
It’s at this point, the air around you becomes so light, you start to believe you are actually floating like a jelly bird through the essence of Fantasy Divinity. it’s almost as if you are in fact hovering outside your own body, staring down at yourself. Without warning, you notice at some juncture of this spiritual journey you have completely de-clothed, but you have no recollection of doing so. There you are, standing completely butt-ass naked, vigorously erect, and with arms wide open. The sheer exhilaration, raging between your legs, heightens even more as a foggy mist begins to slowly fill your room. Like a gassy mixture of tenderness and affection, everything goes dark until you are drenched fully in a cloud of Fantasy Love. Suddenly, a blinding light appears, piercing through the haze. The humming of the melodies and timbres comprising the beautiful harmonic tone of a Taylor Swift love ballad, begins to become audible in the distance. It’s almost like a mix between Fergie and Jesus! It persists to get louder and louder when the door to your room swings open to reveal a silhouette of a glowing, effervescent, perfect being walking through while strumming a guitar. You rub your eyes in disbelief, trying to confirm that what you are seeing is really happening. It. Just. Can’t. Be. It’s none other than country/pop mega star and our league’s main girl, T-Motherfucking-Sizzle!!! You’re overcome with emotion. Starstruck that she is right there in front of you in the flesh. Except, she has majestic 10-foot angel wings, and she’s wearing a sexy cutoff tuxedo T-Shirt, aviator shades, and tight little daisy dukes. By her side is a full choir of big titted Fantasy Angels in skimpy bikinis singing back up as she starts throwing down a dope ass love song. You immediately fall to your knees, burying your head in your hands, and weeping in joy like a little girl. As the first verse kicks in, she calmly bends over, reaches out, and gently lifts your head. As you look up, mid-singing, she slides you an ever so soft little grin, and then extends to you one of her wings. Without saying a word, you raise up off floor, mount that bad boy up like it’s Secratariat, and… Boom! As the chorus hits, you take off like a rocket ship, busting through the ceiling of your room, off into space in a blink of an eye, traveling warp speed. She continues to belt out those angelic lyrics at the top her lungs, and you can feel them flowing through each and every inch of your body as you fly through space. You giddily wave passing by Mars, then Uranus, and then Pluto. As you make it out the Milky Way, you are full-on surfing her wings like a galactic Kelly Slater, dancing with the other angels like your made of starlight. The bridge comes and the song slows. You turn around, and lock eyes with the Swiftinator. Like a scene from a movie, you share an intense gaze with each other as she sings and dances in slow motion, while you just sit, mouth ajar in amazement. Just as a song hits a big drop, she smiles and gives you a quick nod, then… Bam! She immediately starts to shred an epic solo for the finale, simultaneously unleashing a giant lightning bolt of Fantasy Love right out from the end of her guitar, striking the tip of your rock-hard schlong. Right then, the pent-up power source that had been brewing up this whole time cannot be held back anymore. It finally reaches its climax, exploding in orgasmic euphoria, bursting out of you in a glorious jizz of destiny. You pick up even more speed, passing through galaxy after galaxy, body shaking, cumming harder and harder each time she strikes a sick note on her guitar. It feels like it lasts for an eternity in the single greatest splooge-a-thon you have ever experienced in your life, spreading your seed across the time space continuum.
As the music fades, so does your vision, and you suddenly wake up nude on the floor of your room doused in sweat and semen. The light from the morning sun shines through the window, glistening upon your supple bare butt cheeks. You groggily pull your ass up and stumble to the window, pressing your hand to the glass. You gaze out on the world to admire it in its full beauty. The bluebirds are singing, the neighbor kids are playing hopscotch, and the Amazon Delivery driver chucks a package labeled “fragile” on to the doorsteps of the Karen next door. You can hardly hold back the tears, in total awe at the great wonders of life. A smile quickly runs across your face as you reflect back on your grand voyage. You can feel the liberating sensation of removing the shackles of Fantasy Misery from your once broken ego. You take a deep breath and let it out. The all-mighty sense of hope, ignited by our one true Fantasy Savior, T Siz, has returned in a fiery blaze of passion within your gut. You can’t keep the excitement within you as you slowly raise your fist above your head. Then with head held high, fist to the sky, balls dangling free, and the neighborhood as your witness, you exclaim in one triumphant roar, “FANTASY IS HERE AT LAST!”
It’s a beautiful thing gentleman. The winds of Winter have long since settled and the dog days of Summer are quickly coming to a timely end. As the tides of Fall rise up, so do I, fresh off a psychedelic trip to the Fantasy Heavens, and just in time to prepare you all for what we are on the precipice of experiencing. A brand spanking new season of Fantasy Football! No longer do I suffer from a crippling case of writer’s block, brought forth by the despair of the tragic ending to last season. Nay! The staff and I are back and better than ever baby! This season, you already know we are cooking up some of our purest hot takes to date, cut with our patented blend of ridiculous metaphors and vulgar similes that you all have come to know and love. Oh and of course, how can we forget about those power rankings? We’ve got it all, ready to be crushed up, spread out on a hooker’s ass, and divied into lines for each and every one of you to take a giant-sized rail of. Baby we are back! So without further ado, let’s get to it. It’s Fantasy 2022! Letssss Goooooo!!!
Team by Team Preview:
DanielWest
Well, what better place to start than to take a look at our defending champion. Coming off the single greatest performance in a championship game that we might ever see (238.4 points in the first week, highest point total in one week of Fantasy in league history), Daniel comes into this season looking to do what no manager has ever accomplished in league history: The Repeat. Considering, over the past two seasons he has racked up 19 wins to a grand total of just six losses (best of anyone in that time frame), he has one of the best shots the league has ever seen to pull off the unimaginable and capture the dream for a second consecutive year. However, as we so often point out time after time, the odds of actually achieving the repeat in a re-draft league are astronomical when you take into account the extreme level of difficulty this feat presents. Going through and building a whole new team from scratch, and delivering yet again on top shelf Fantasy Play, in a league that is so dialed in no less, is an extremely tough ask. That said, it wasn’t long ago before he started this blistering stretch of dominance that he was widely considered one of the bottom tier managers in the league. As was commonly the case prior to the last two seasons, Daniel-san frequently found himself middling around near the bottom of the standings, trying to avoid last place. This is all not to mention, that no matter how good you are at Fantasy Football, sometimes the off years are just unavoidable. Ultimately, it brings to the forefront an interesting storyline for the young man this year: Can he keep it up and do what no else has ever done? Or, will the impending turn of misfortune finally come around this season to bite him squarely in the ass? Only time will tell. But, the staff and I aren’t placing any bets on it anytime soon. In fact we will not be doing any betting this season, even if we wanted to. Unfortunately, George in R & D has a lawful court order restraining him from going within 500 feet of a any casino. That’s as much as I will say on that. Georgie doesn’t like when I bring the up “cocktail waitress” incident.
AlexAshak
Next up, we find The Commish, our fearless leader who has consistently delivered quality fantasy performances over the course of the last three years. To date, since switching to Sleeper, Alex has accumulated the best overall regular season record of any manager (26-12), and his consistent play has earned him a spot in the playoffs two of the last three seasons, only to finish 3rd, and 2nd in both of those years respectively. Much is made ado about the regular season dominance of yours truly, while being unable to hoist a belt. However, it has been Alex as well who has quietly been a playoff stalwart while failing tremendously at reaching the promised land, with his lack of titles to go along with such stellar seasons. However, with a new season, comes new hope for one of the best managers in the league. As it stands now, he sits in rare company being one of the favorites entering 2022, as his pedigree of masterful strokes upon the waiver wires to acquire key season long starters has been nothing short of magician level wizardry. This was evidenced last year by his nabbing of Cordarrelle Patterson, who astoundingly put up one of the most unexpected yet dazzling performances we’ve seen. Hence, we must give props where props are due, and tip the cap to The Commish for his terrific play over the last three years. So, does he have a shot? One of the best, if you ask the staff. But that’s the thing about shots, at some point, if you take too many, you black out and wake up delirious the next day with a sore bum and in the bed of random dude calling you “honey” and offering you freshly cooked Belgian waffles. KP knows what I’m talking about.
jweverstad
As we make our way across the league, next we arrive at the mangy grangy Jared, and his “innovative” approach to Fantasy. While his brash demeanor and ultimate tough guy antics off the virtual field seem to portray a certain level of supremacy over his competition, the same can’t be said about his Fantasy Teams’ performance on the actual field. His pedestrian 12-13 record over his last two campaigns (he did not manage a team in 2019) has dispelled the air of superiority he wants you to believe he has. Nevertheless, last season he did manage to ride his Charge-o-Dagger to an 8-5 record to supplant himself in the top 4 of the final standings for first time in over 4 years in the league. Yet, when it mattered most, his once mighty dagger went limp as he was quickly ousted in the first round of the playoffs to Kevin and his continued baffling playoff success. Jared now enters 2022 just as he always does, a dark horse that can easily take home the belt with his proven track record from many years of Fantasy Experience. Still though, he will have to overcome his self-inflicted miscues stemming from his inability to believe anything other than he is the best Fantasy Player in the history of the universe. He Good. But… is he that good? *Shrugs*
tborgs4
Coming in next we have Tyler, coming off yet another post ESPN App debacle of a season. Our final champion prior to the league made the switch to Sleeper, the past three years have not been the best for the young man. His overall 20-18 record is 5th overall in that span, but he has made the playoffs only once in the last three seasons, which of course was a first-round exit in 2020. Now, we all know Tyler has some Fantasy chops at his disposal, but he has failed to capitalize in any meaningful way to create any sort of consistency. This has been his M.O. ever since I’ve been playing with him after the merging of the Emotional Friends League and the American Fantasy Football Association of America. Great performances one week and then duds the next. That has ultimately been the case for the last 4 years making the playoffs (and winning a championship in 2018) in one year, and badly missing the playoffs in the following. Considering he is coming off a 7th place finish last year, we are inclined to believe Tyler finds himself right where he wants to be, primed to bounce back in 2022 and contend for a title yet again. I don’t think the staff has the balls to say it won’t happen, but we also don’t have the balls to do a lot of things. Just last week, I was dared to put ranch dressing on my macaroni… I didn’t do it.
Kshak
Welp, next on the docket, we have the good ole’ Kevin Eleven himself. I get that with my bitter blood fued extending into the 2022 season with whom is the luckiest manager in Fantasy Football history, next to Trevor (#neverforget), you might be lead to believe that my level of objectivity could be clouded by my Fantasy disgust of Big Kev. Listen, I completely get where you are coming from and it is totally reasonable for you to think that… but… uhhhh… I forgot what I was going to say.
Anyway, Kevin is coming off another flabbergasting playoff upset of Jared in the first round of the playoffs, after yet again sneaking into the playoffs with an underwhelming record. As is true Kevin fashion, he continues to assemble mediocre rosters and finish in the bottom half to middle of the standings every year, so there is no new piece of information that would lead us to believe that he is going to do any different this year. His drafting has always been subpar, his trade offers horrendous, and his waiver wire additions leaving a lot left to be desired. I will give him this, he didn’t draft a defense earlier than the 10th round again. So, he does have that going for him. Do the staff and I think he is going to have a good season? That would be a resounding: NO. But, will he make the playoffs barely and make an improbable run to the championship? For fuck sake I hope not, but it is definitely in the cards. I hope you wait up all night camping out in line for a signed copy of the new Taylor Swift album, and right when you get to the front she stops for the day and you don’t get your signed copy. I hope you know that pain, Kevin!
KenUdigit
Next in line, we have the GrantMaster, still riding high off his 2020 title so much so, he has yet to relinquish the belt to last years champion as we close in on the start of the 2022 season. Maybe he’s thinking if he holds onto it long enough, he can just win it back this year and he doesn’t have to capitulate to a peaceful transition of power. I don’t know, but peering into Grant’s fantasy history, there’s not a whole lot to go off of that is positive. Minus his 2020 chip, he somehow sandwiched that season with finishes at 9th and 10th in the regular season. I mean, considering Grant excelled to a title in his first true season (Jared drafted his 2019 team) what are we to make of his Fantasy Prowess? Was 2020 a one hit wonder, or was 2021 something of an aberration for a very skilled manager? This season will ultimately write the narrative on if he is to be viewed as a perennial contender, or just another Kevin. Typically bad, but might catch some luck in the playoffs every once in a while.
BigPapaPump92
Finding ourselves down the chain, stopping at KP, me and staff want to be able to lay on some level of praise to the struggling manager after his first season playing big time Fantasy Football. Yet, we obviously cannot. Much like most who enter into the league, with the competition level that much higher, it doesn’t usually go well. The teams are just bigger, stronger, and faster. If you are not ready you will get eaten alive and KP was no exception. He started slow, and then never really gained any footing, slipping all the way down the standings and finishing dead last after the losing the Toilet Bowl. With a year of experience under his belt, will it better his skillset and be just what the doctor ordered for KP to possibly contend for a playoff spot this go around? That is the big giant question hanging over his 2022 season right now. Based on what we saw last year, me and the staff aren’t liking his chances. Too many times he shot himself in the foot with poor managerial decisions, dating all the way back to his draft. Without the evidence, any definitive statement about a successful 2022 season for KP is circumstantial at best. Objection, your honor! Overruled!
Cholgerson34
Another case of not knowing what we are going to get, next on up is Carl. Our man Car started off his first season in the league in such a blaze that we were so impressed we missed the boat on our initial assessment. Here we were walking around thinking we had a real, top notch fantasy manager on our hands. But secretly, little did we know, he wasn’t THAT good. I’m not saying he doesn’t have the requisite acumen to be a perennial favorite. But we were ready to anoint the man as some sort of Fantasy Jesus. He turned a stellar draft into a sizzling 3-0 start, only to manage a measly two more wins over his final 10 games. That’s 2-8 folks. All this came after pulling the trigger on the biggest trade of 2021… which unequivocally backfired. His team was never the same, tanking week after week, until he petered out in a first-round playoff exit. The fact he snuck into the playoffs was minor miracle in itself, but one that should not be lost on us, as it can be something for the Car to build on. A few minor adjustments and he will be right there. Now, can we sit here today and say with any confidence that he has skills to make those adjustments and compete in a league of absolute killers? He’s shown flashes, but we just need more data to swing our answer one way or the other. Maybe, with a year of experience getting used to what he is facing on a weekly basis, he can step his game up in 2022 and be a real title contender. Until then, we aren’t ready to go that far just yet. Just like the chick we took to prom.
KartierKyle
It was only a matter of time, my friends, until we reached the team I am always least (or most?) excited to write about: our trusty friend, Kyle. Back to his same old ways, just another enigma of a draft for the embattled manager, taking early swipes at players slotted to go much later. I’m sure there will be plenty more head scratchers by midway through the season, which we will spare not one iota of mercy in brutally pointing out. If there was one manager we had to pick as the team we think suffers the wrath of me and my staff’s harsh criticism the most regularly, it would resoundingly be Kyle. Yet, the man wins. He just… wins. Don’t get me wrong, when he sucks, he suuuucks. But I mean he has multiple championships. Plural. Life’s not freaking fair. I- I can’t. I need to move on. Trying to explain how Kyle manages to win in Fantasy more often than not literally hurts my brain. It’s like trying to explain how Nicolas Cage won an Oscar. You know it happened per se, but our minds are actually completely incapable of creating the logical links in order to conceptualize the existence of this phenomena. So it doesn’t actually feel real.
jressa
I saved the best for last. Or maybe I was just dreading having to break down my team. Regardless, I don’t have to tell you all how I feel. The revenge train was running full speed all last season until Daniel through a wrench on the tracks, derailing what seemed like my destiny. So now I return, dead set once again on vengeance, out to prove to you all I am that much better. Three first place finishes over the last four seasons is all the evidence you need. Each and every year is my year, and mark my words: I will get one. Once it happens, the floodgates will open, but it takes just one. Will this be the year? Am I gonna say anything other than of course it fucking is? Be scared gentlemen. Be very scared. The J’s are out for blood and we ain’t stopping until we pummel each and every one you into fantasy oblivion and raise the belt once and for all. Respect the J’s, or expect delays.
Aaaand that will do it for this season’s first Passionate Playback. There wasn’t really much to play back considering it was a season preview, but that’s the name we chose for the write ups all those years ago, so we are sticking to it. I do love the name Kyle gave it: The Ressa Report. But it’s too late now for changing it up. Besides having to get the staff to go through all the branding changes in the office would be a logistical cluster fuck. So the name sticks for now. Thank you all for hanging in for just under 4700 words. It was quite the doozy. Anyway, we are stoked for the upcoming season and wish good luck to you all… you’re going to need it. Until next time, from the beautiful Danish countryside: Ressa Out!
