Welcome to Fantasy 2020: Season Preview
Why hello there my fellow league mates! It is I, the one they call the “Sensei of Prose” and “Master of Lexicon”, making a triumphant return with my Passionate Playback staff (of just me) for 2020! After many-a-rigorous nights spent revamping our org structure, we are glad to officially announce that we will be in full force and are primed for this upcoming season with weekly installments of the Passionate Playback for your reading pleasure. You’re welcome.
So, with the formalities out of the way, let me just say it is a great privilege to usher you all in for a fresh slate of Fantasy action this year! That’s right you crazy Swifties, we officially have a 2020 Fantasy season starting anew, and we can all collectively let out a sigh of relief that we’ve made it out of the darkness of 2020 to arrive safely at draft day with but only a single casualty (Sorry, Kam). As you all know too well, each new season the Fantasy Gods bestow upon me the humbling duty of dumping humungous steaming piles of advanced statistical information, mixed with harsh critical analysis, all up on your grill pieces, in the fleeting hope that y’all’s Simple Jack like brains can maybe process 1% of the next level Fantasy insight I so graciously provide. Thus, I bring pen to hand to mark the start of this journey for Fantasy Glory De Novo, and emphasize the gravity of this moment before you with the perfect touch of hyperbole only I am known to do.
To be quite frank, for many moons of our hiatus, I was doubtful Fantasy 2020 would ever commence. But, as you read this today, the 2020 off season has finally reached its vinegar strokes and that ever so thick and creamy goodness of another season has come bursting upon us faster than a virgin’s first splooge whilst receiving an “old fashioned”. So, as is customary, I shall remind you again to take this time to relish in the opportunity that has been laid before you. For centuries our Fantasy brethren have entered into the blood laden fantasy battlefields each Fall to take up arms in a quest to reach the promised land, and through their most noble sacrifice, the framework for this sacred tradition we call Fantasy Football has been set. Now you too will soon embark on that same harrowing endeavor, and enter into one of the greatest tests of testicular fortitude known to man. I pray you do not take this momentous occasion lightly. I shudder to think of the cruel fate the Fantasy Gods will bring upon those who are unwilling to prove they have the proper discipline, tenacity, and the two giant hairy balls between their legs that capturing the illustrious Fantasy Championship requires. So, remember to never shy away from wielding the almighty sword of shit talk, don’t ever stop spending those FAAB dollars, and always heed caution that the dreaded mistress, Madame Inconsistency, forever lurking quietly in the shadows, is on guard and ready to jump out and viciously sucker punch your season in the nuts. That’s just how this shit goes. So with that all said, welcome again to Fantasy 2020 my friends! I think you all know what to do now... Yup! You guessed it! Pop open the Spotify, throw on the Air Pods, and put that T Sizzle album on repeat baby! Fantasy is back!!
♫♬♩♪♫
I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit
Fantasy’s here, let’s go
I thought COVID might make it stop, it didn’t though
I’ll hit the ground running this time
I’ll hit the Sunday breakout plays
You know the greatest teams of all time were waiver made
I guess you never know, never know
And if you want to win, you really should’ve showed
And if you never lose, you’re never gonna grow
And it’s alright now
But it’s something, don’t you think so?
Watching QBs, tossing TD’s, so cool
And if your players came through
It would’ve been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving lineups all alone
But it would’ve been fun
If I would’ve been the one
(Ooh)
I have this dream of winning a ship
The top Running Backs I own
I find some player on the waivers and I take it home
We never cared about by the numbers, baby
But we were making it count
You know the greatest teams of all time, start over now
I guess you never know, never know
And it’s another season chasin’ that throne
My take: (*long sigh*) I only say no in the hopes of the jinx, but we all know he’s the luckiest mother fucker this side of the Mississippi. So I’m not getting my hopes up on this one. Since I admitted I’m going for the jinx, does that cancel it out? Shiiiittt....
What is the number of Taylor Swift posters that Kevin secretly owns? Over or under 2.5?
Odds:
Under (-500)
Over (+700)
My pick: Over
My take: Easiest money I ever made!
Who’s the first person to tell Tyler he should’ve chosen to stay “opted out” on the league message board after they smoke him in a matchup?
Odds:
Kyle (2-1)
Alex (4-1)
Kevin (7-1)
Anyone else (100-1)
My pick: Alex
My Take: My gut reaction was to take Kyle, the guru of shit talking himself, but then I realized that required Kyle to actually beat Tyler. Yeah, I don’t know what the oddsmakers were thinking trusting Kyle to do that. Smart money is definitely on Alex. I also wouldn’t totally hate taking Big Kev either. He’s proven very underrated with his shit talking abilities. However, he’s still got work to do to raise that part of his game to the next level. So I’ll stick with Alex for now, and maybe only throw down a couple hundred or so... Nothing crazy.
Does DW get revenge for last season’s terrible luck and make the playoffs?
Odds:
No (-600)
Yes (+1000)
My pick: No
My take: There’s a lot of quality managers in the league and duplicating his Herculean points per game from last year is going to be extremely tough to put it mildly. Yes, he couldn’t avoid terrible defeats almost every week, but that’s just the way the dildo bends sometimes (That’s not a phrase? I swear people say that...). Once his numbers regress down to the mean, I’m just not seeing him squeaking into the playoffs this year. Think I’m wrong? Put your money where your mouth is then!
Who wins the 2020 Championship?
Odds:
Trevor (10-1)
Justin (12-1)
Alex (12-1)
Kevin (15-1)
DW (15-1)
Jared (18-1)
Tyler (18-1)
Grant (22–1)
Daniel (25-1)
Kyle (25-1)
My Pick: Me, Son!
My Take: Did you really think I would pick anyone else? This is the year baby. I can feel it!
Welp that’ll do it for the Season Preview. Fantasy 2020 is here and I’m pumped! Good luck and Godspeed. Until next time... Over and out!
♫♬♩♪♫
I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit
Fantasy’s here, let’s go
I thought COVID might make it stop, it didn’t though
I’ll hit the ground running this time
I’ll hit the Sunday breakout plays
You know the greatest teams of all time were waiver made
I guess you never know, never know
And if you want to win, you really should’ve showed
And if you never lose, you’re never gonna grow
And it’s alright now
But it’s something, don’t you think so?
Watching QBs, tossing TD’s, so cool
And if your players came through
It would’ve been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving lineups all alone
But it would’ve been fun
If I would’ve been the one
(Ooh)
I have this dream of winning a ship
The top Running Backs I own
I find some player on the waivers and I take it home
We never cared about by the numbers, baby
But we were making it count
You know the greatest teams of all time, start over now
I guess you never know, never know
And it’s another season chasin’ that throne
But you know it’s something, don’t you think so?
Watching Receivers, catching TD’s, so cool
And if your wishes came true
It would’ve been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving lineups all alone
But it would’ve been fun
If I would’ve been the one
I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one play had been different
Would everything be different... today?
Fantasy crazy, think so?
Kevin wins, beats his own family
And it would’ve been sweet
If it could’ve been me
In my defense, I have none
For digging up the grave another time
But its gonna be fun
Trying to be... the one
(Ooh)
Bettor’s Corner
What better way to roll out this years newest gimmick than in the season’s first post? We’re calling this one “Bettor’s Corner”. Admittedly not the best name the staff ever came up with, but Greg in Marketing threw it out there after a futile 4 hour brain storming sesh, so we’re going with it for now because it’s better than anything else we came up with. Basically, throughout the year I plan to make a few bold predictions on various outcomes from a wide variety of different “bets” that include made up odds by yours truly. Since we are just starting the season, I thought it would be fun to include some season long bets and some other fun props along with bets on the draft. Feel free to play along at home.
Who will be first person to take a QB in the draft?
Odds:
Kevin (3-1)
Kyle (10-1)
Grant (12-1)
Daniel (20-1)
Everyone Else (20-1)
My pick: Kevin
My take: After winning the ship in 2019 with taking Patty Mahomes in the third (first person to take a QB), and also knowing Big Kev loves his QB’s early, this seems like easy money. Knowing it worked out for him last year would anyone be shocked if Kevin decided to run it back with Mahomes again? I can see Kyle maybe taking Lamar or Patty before Kevin, but to me I’m going with the favorite. I’ll also mention this is the first year drafting with Grant, so getting 12–1 and riding the unknown could be a steal. Also, 20-1 for the field seems too high until you realize that historically, other than Kevin and Kyle, QB’s typically don’t get drafted earlier than the 7th to 9th round range. But hey, throw down a cool hundo on that one and if it hits, you’re walking away with two grand in cold hard fake cash baby! Can’t beat that.
Will someone let their draft clock run out and auto pick?
Odds:
No (-4500)
Yes (+6000)
My pick: Yes
My take: And our first bold prediction of the year! We typically have a very good league of managers that are locked in every year for the draft, and it’s not likely this will happen. But with the remote draft this season, I think this little unplanned variable could doom someone. There’s definitely the possibility of a lot more distractions drafting from our cribs, and I just have a gut feeling someone is either gonna not pay attention, or just turn the auto pick on for the last round or two.
Who will be first person to not take a RB with their first round pick?
Odds:
Kyle (7-1)
Tyler (15-1)
Kevin (15-1)
Jared (20-1)
Trevor (20-1)
All RBs in first round (20-1)
Grant (45-1)
Everyone Else (150-1)
My pick: Tyler
My take: This is an interesting question in the draft. Typically RBs don’t sweep the first round and it is more about draft slot than the person drafting with getting this pick right. I may be gauging our league wrong here, but I do think this year could be the year we see all RBs in the first round. That said, if the first 9 picks are RBs there is going to be high likelihood Kyle won’t pass on Michael Thomas at #10. Still, if Jared goes with RB, which I think he will, Tyler at #7 is going to have to take a good hard look at WR if he doesn’t like the RBs available, and he will have the first opportunity to take who he thinks is the best receiver. At 15-1, I can’t pass up those odds so I’m going with Tyler. Again, I’ll throw out that Grant at #4 is interesting getting 45-1 because we don’t know his drafting tendencies yet, but I still think he’s too smart to go anywhere else other than RB that early. I guess we will see.
What week will Jared be eliminated from the playoffs?
Odds:
Week 9 (4-1)
Week 10 (6-1)
Week 13 (7-1)
Week 11 (9-1)
Week 12 (12-1)
Before week 9 (18-1)
Makes playoffs (25-1)
My pick: Week 11
My take: I think he has it in him to do decent this year. But, we all know his fantasy skills are inferior to most of the league. Therefore, I’m going Week 11, but the 18-1 odds on the before Week 9 looks very enticing.
What week will Daniel’s first round pick get injured?
Odds:
Week 1 (10-1)
Week 4 (12-1)
Week 6 (12-1)
Week 5 (15-1)
Week 2 (15-1)
Week 3 (18-1)
After Week 6 (30-1)
Doesn’t get injured (100-1)
My pick: Week 1
My take: I think Daniel just gets it out of the way early this year. My sympathies go out to all the other Fantasy players in leagues across this great nation who also have the first pick of their drafts and most likely take McCaffery. We’re very sorry we gave Daniel the first pick and that he is going to put his bad juju on him this year. Quick Fantasy Tip: Target Reggie Bonnofan late.
How many times will Alex complain on the league message board this year about his team? Over or under 7.5 times?
Odds:
Over (-5000)
Under (+7000)
My pick: Over
My take: C’mon, let’s be real here. I don’t care about the shitty odds. I’m pounding the over HARD.
Will Trevor have an average Points Against above 130 points this season?
Odds:
No (-200)
Yes (+500)
My pick: No
Watching Receivers, catching TD’s, so cool
And if your wishes came true
It would’ve been you
In my defense, I have none
For never leaving lineups all alone
But it would’ve been fun
If I would’ve been the one
I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you
If one play had been different
Would everything be different... today?
Fantasy crazy, think so?
Kevin wins, beats his own family
And it would’ve been sweet
If it could’ve been me
In my defense, I have none
For digging up the grave another time
But its gonna be fun
Trying to be... the one
(Ooh)
Bettor’s Corner
What better way to roll out this years newest gimmick than in the season’s first post? We’re calling this one “Bettor’s Corner”. Admittedly not the best name the staff ever came up with, but Greg in Marketing threw it out there after a futile 4 hour brain storming sesh, so we’re going with it for now because it’s better than anything else we came up with. Basically, throughout the year I plan to make a few bold predictions on various outcomes from a wide variety of different “bets” that include made up odds by yours truly. Since we are just starting the season, I thought it would be fun to include some season long bets and some other fun props along with bets on the draft. Feel free to play along at home.
Who will be first person to take a QB in the draft?
Odds:
Kevin (3-1)
Kyle (10-1)
Grant (12-1)
Daniel (20-1)
Everyone Else (20-1)
My pick: Kevin
My take: After winning the ship in 2019 with taking Patty Mahomes in the third (first person to take a QB), and also knowing Big Kev loves his QB’s early, this seems like easy money. Knowing it worked out for him last year would anyone be shocked if Kevin decided to run it back with Mahomes again? I can see Kyle maybe taking Lamar or Patty before Kevin, but to me I’m going with the favorite. I’ll also mention this is the first year drafting with Grant, so getting 12–1 and riding the unknown could be a steal. Also, 20-1 for the field seems too high until you realize that historically, other than Kevin and Kyle, QB’s typically don’t get drafted earlier than the 7th to 9th round range. But hey, throw down a cool hundo on that one and if it hits, you’re walking away with two grand in cold hard fake cash baby! Can’t beat that.
Will someone let their draft clock run out and auto pick?
Odds:
No (-4500)
Yes (+6000)
My pick: Yes
My take: And our first bold prediction of the year! We typically have a very good league of managers that are locked in every year for the draft, and it’s not likely this will happen. But with the remote draft this season, I think this little unplanned variable could doom someone. There’s definitely the possibility of a lot more distractions drafting from our cribs, and I just have a gut feeling someone is either gonna not pay attention, or just turn the auto pick on for the last round or two.
Who will be first person to not take a RB with their first round pick?
Odds:
Kyle (7-1)
Tyler (15-1)
Kevin (15-1)
Jared (20-1)
Trevor (20-1)
All RBs in first round (20-1)
Grant (45-1)
Everyone Else (150-1)
My pick: Tyler
My take: This is an interesting question in the draft. Typically RBs don’t sweep the first round and it is more about draft slot than the person drafting with getting this pick right. I may be gauging our league wrong here, but I do think this year could be the year we see all RBs in the first round. That said, if the first 9 picks are RBs there is going to be high likelihood Kyle won’t pass on Michael Thomas at #10. Still, if Jared goes with RB, which I think he will, Tyler at #7 is going to have to take a good hard look at WR if he doesn’t like the RBs available, and he will have the first opportunity to take who he thinks is the best receiver. At 15-1, I can’t pass up those odds so I’m going with Tyler. Again, I’ll throw out that Grant at #4 is interesting getting 45-1 because we don’t know his drafting tendencies yet, but I still think he’s too smart to go anywhere else other than RB that early. I guess we will see.
What week will Jared be eliminated from the playoffs?
Odds:
Week 9 (4-1)
Week 10 (6-1)
Week 13 (7-1)
Week 11 (9-1)
Week 12 (12-1)
Before week 9 (18-1)
Makes playoffs (25-1)
My pick: Week 11
My take: I think he has it in him to do decent this year. But, we all know his fantasy skills are inferior to most of the league. Therefore, I’m going Week 11, but the 18-1 odds on the before Week 9 looks very enticing.
What week will Daniel’s first round pick get injured?
Odds:
Week 1 (10-1)
Week 4 (12-1)
Week 6 (12-1)
Week 5 (15-1)
Week 2 (15-1)
Week 3 (18-1)
After Week 6 (30-1)
Doesn’t get injured (100-1)
My pick: Week 1
My take: I think Daniel just gets it out of the way early this year. My sympathies go out to all the other Fantasy players in leagues across this great nation who also have the first pick of their drafts and most likely take McCaffery. We’re very sorry we gave Daniel the first pick and that he is going to put his bad juju on him this year. Quick Fantasy Tip: Target Reggie Bonnofan late.
How many times will Alex complain on the league message board this year about his team? Over or under 7.5 times?
Odds:
Over (-5000)
Under (+7000)
My pick: Over
My take: C’mon, let’s be real here. I don’t care about the shitty odds. I’m pounding the over HARD.
Will Trevor have an average Points Against above 130 points this season?
Odds:
No (-200)
Yes (+500)
My pick: No
My take: (*long sigh*) I only say no in the hopes of the jinx, but we all know he’s the luckiest mother fucker this side of the Mississippi. So I’m not getting my hopes up on this one. Since I admitted I’m going for the jinx, does that cancel it out? Shiiiittt....
What is the number of Taylor Swift posters that Kevin secretly owns? Over or under 2.5?
Odds:
Under (-500)
Over (+700)
My pick: Over
My take: Easiest money I ever made!
Who’s the first person to tell Tyler he should’ve chosen to stay “opted out” on the league message board after they smoke him in a matchup?
Odds:
Kyle (2-1)
Alex (4-1)
Kevin (7-1)
Anyone else (100-1)
My pick: Alex
My Take: My gut reaction was to take Kyle, the guru of shit talking himself, but then I realized that required Kyle to actually beat Tyler. Yeah, I don’t know what the oddsmakers were thinking trusting Kyle to do that. Smart money is definitely on Alex. I also wouldn’t totally hate taking Big Kev either. He’s proven very underrated with his shit talking abilities. However, he’s still got work to do to raise that part of his game to the next level. So I’ll stick with Alex for now, and maybe only throw down a couple hundred or so... Nothing crazy.
Does DW get revenge for last season’s terrible luck and make the playoffs?
Odds:
No (-600)
Yes (+1000)
My pick: No
My take: There’s a lot of quality managers in the league and duplicating his Herculean points per game from last year is going to be extremely tough to put it mildly. Yes, he couldn’t avoid terrible defeats almost every week, but that’s just the way the dildo bends sometimes (That’s not a phrase? I swear people say that...). Once his numbers regress down to the mean, I’m just not seeing him squeaking into the playoffs this year. Think I’m wrong? Put your money where your mouth is then!
Who wins the 2020 Championship?
Odds:
Trevor (10-1)
Justin (12-1)
Alex (12-1)
Kevin (15-1)
DW (15-1)
Jared (18-1)
Tyler (18-1)
Grant (22–1)
Daniel (25-1)
Kyle (25-1)
My Pick: Me, Son!
My Take: Did you really think I would pick anyone else? This is the year baby. I can feel it!
Welp that’ll do it for the Season Preview. Fantasy 2020 is here and I’m pumped! Good luck and Godspeed. Until next time... Over and out!
