Week 5
Passionate Playback
Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. Fantasy Fuckin’ Football… am I right? I don’t think I need to say it, but (no hyperbole) what we all just experienced is going to go down in the annals of history as one of, if not the, most absurdly preposterous weeks we have every been privileged enough to participate in. I’m not usually at a loss for words, but all I can say is… Wow. Just. Wow.
Anyway, with that said, I bid good morrow to all ye Swifties and fellow fantasy managers alike, as we welcome you all on in for another brand spanking new edition of some good ole’ fashioned Passionate Playback action as we fruitlessly attempt to bring at least a tad bit of sense to the absolute craziness that took place on the Fantasy Battlefields this past weekend. I realize the shoddily constructed, carny-style rollercoaster of death that many of our league members’ emotions were subjected to riding this past weekend was a special kind of cruel and unusual punishment imposed upon us, without impunity, by the Fantasy Gods. So, R.I.P. to those of you who found yourself riding an intense rush of euphoria to suddenly black out and awake in a dizzying fog of utter misery and confusion, aimlessly wondering the gardening section of Home Depot, fully nude and covered in a strange brown substance, while multiple sales associates call the cops… We’ve all been there, my friend. I mean, for Jared that’s just another Wednesday. Ultimately though, we must all continue to press on in our never ending mission to capture the ever-elusive belt as we approach the midway point of the season. The good news is every single team is still very much in the mix following by far the highest scoring output we may have possibly ever seen in one single week of play. The entire league averaged over 162 points per team, including five (count em’!) teams scoring over 180. You know what the even better news is though? Oh yeah baby! The staff was back at it again this week, working tirelessly around the clock to brew up a very special, hand crafted, artisanal batch of piping hot takes infused with rich, opulent insights and delectable little stat nuggets so potent that Herbie’s Herbs Cannabis & Tea Emporium just called saying they had to pull it off the shelves due to the growing number of their clientele reporting powerful bursts of pure ecstasy so intense that not even a seasoned stoner could handle it. So, as you sit there staring out into the yonder beyond your front window, contemplating the existential crisis that is the meaning of Fantasy, quickly mounting within your delicate little mind, go ahead and calmly pour yourself a nice heaping glass of it to sip on. Just let the soothing refreshness start to wash away the impending dread of a playoff-less season, and all your worries will float gently away as you begin to lose yourself in the reassuring lyrics of the peaceful T-Sweezy playlist playing softly over the Sonos speakers…Better? Okay, good. Now how about we get to it, gents?
Headlines/Awards:
Jared and Daniel outlast Carl and Alex in two of the craziest games in league history
Welp, you knew right where we were going to start this week as the biggest headline was so obvious that it stood out more than Kevin performing as a back up dancer in a Taylor Swift music video. While Kevin’s dream to one day actually make the cut for T Sizzle’s official dance crew might never be realized (we’re still rooting for you big guy!), the comebacks pulled off by Jared and Daniel were the stuff of what Fantasy Dreams are made of. We couldn’t be more amazed by these two Week 5 affairs that were so mind bottling in how they went down, if you tried to pitch it as a movie script, they would be turned away for being too unrealistic. With so much to unpack from clearly two of the most improbable victories in league history, how about we dig a little deeper on what exactly happened?
Jared vs. Carl
Entering Week 5, here we had two managers needing wins in the worst way, as both were coming off terrible losses the week prior. As we noted several times last week, the frustration continued to swell up for the embattled manager, Jared, who’s brazenness up on the league message boards, in terms of airing out his many “complaints”, was starting to become quite the nuisance. Unsurprisingly, this caused several league members to morph into Steph Curry chucking shots from half court right at the target on Jared’s back looking like an Olympic sized pool at that point. In order to shut the critics up, a win against Carl, one of the three 3-1 teams sitting near the top of the standings, would be the metaphorical Dikembe Mutombo rejection on the budding confidence of all the shit talkers thinking they would shoot their shot. Speaking of Carl, he was coming off his first stumble of the season, in an embarrassing shitstorm of patheticness, with a loss to the league’s worst team at that juncture, Kevin. In order to keep his seat near the top of the standings, a win over Jared would be a much needed course correction to keep himself on track for a first round bye and regain that early season swagger while he road carefree on cruise control directly for the playoffs. However, a loss would mean falling back into the muddled middle of the standings, leaving even bigger question marks for the newbie manager to grapple with while he waited on the side of the road, stranded in what had become a full-fledged torrential downpour of shit, showing no signs of stopping. It also should be noted that these were the first two managers to make a trade this season, with both of them sporting lineups that included highly drafted players by their opponent. Thus, it was going to be a good first test for each of them to see who might have bested the other in one of the biggest blockbuster deals we’ve seen two managers agree to in a very long time. All in all, we knew it was going to be a fun one to watch, with massive early season implications and narratives a plenty, but what transpired last weekend left us even more stunned than we thought feasible for a Week 5 matchup.
As the morning rolled around, everything seemed to start off rather quiet as Jared took a solid 8 on Thursday Night from his kicker, and Carl got a pedestrian 12.1 from Mike Davis in the London game. It was nothing special, but we didn’t have to wait long for the fireworks to go off once the morning games finally kicked off. Carl came out the gates faster than an eight-ball disappearing at KP’s bachelor party, as the ageless Father Tom went scorched Earth on the Dolphins to the tune of nearly 52 points, and Mikey Mike Evans was on the receiving end of many those passes, adding a near 30 burger. Even though Diontae Johnson scored a long TD on the opening drive, he only finished with a solid 15.2, and Marvin Jones couldn’t crack 4 points. So the door was still open for Jared when we hit the afternoon window of games. This is when things got really weird. Chubb and Hunt started trading touchdowns making them essentially a wash, but Jared’s three headed Charger lineup seemed to go limp. Then, at apparently a drop of a dime, in a swift change of mood by the Fantasy Gods, Jared received the most unlikely of revivals. While he was being tormented on the message boards by his league mates, out of nowhere he was struck by an abrupt lightning bolt of points straight to the tip of his flaccid team’s shchlong with three fourth quarter touchdowns from Ekeler, including one where he was trying to stay out of the endzone but the Cleveland D picked him up and carried him in. You literally can’t make that shit up, man. Just like that we had a ball game. Johnathan Taylor was set to go off on Monday Night and Travis Kelce was primed for Carl in the Sunday Night contest, in what appeared to be a close fight. But, like any great fortune randomly delivered by the Fantasy Gods, while Jared’s ungracious ass kept throwing up middle fingers to the rest of the league, it came at a price. The Cowboys D housed a garbage time pick to give Carl a nice little lead going into the last two games of the weekend. A cruel reminder to Jared that brief moments of Fantasy Success is always fleeting…
So, Sunday Night Football eventually came after the wild scoring affair from that afternoon, and like Kelce does week in and week out, he gave Carl a nice little 17.7 points to push his lead to nearly 23 points. Jared gave it a great run, and there was no shame in taking the loss to Carl’s 180-point week. Even if he was goosed by Taylor, this game was already a fantastic matchup full of exciting back and forth counter punches delivered by each manager. Both the Cleveland RBs showed out, we had a 50-point scorer, Jared got a combined 81.9 points from his three Chargers, and the three players that were involved in the trade only two weeks ago? They only combined for 87.1 points, which was an average of 29 points per player! Just top notch Fantasy Action through and through. So it was GG’s for these two after the hard fought battle, because as Sleeper noted, there was less than a 1% chance for Jared manage a comeback. No way, right? Johnathan Taylor? The terrible Colts offense? What were the odds? But, like Lloyd Christmas famously said, “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”
Monday Night eventually came and on the first freaking drive of the game, JT took a third and long check down 70 yards in one of the most magical catch and runs in our league history due to the implications. (*shrugs*) Of course that would happen… We now had three quarters for Taylor to score only five more points for Jared to accomplish the unthinkable. Inevitably he came through big time, capping it off with a second touchdown in the third quarter, to notch an impressive 31.9 points en route to yet another Monday Night Comeback for Jared. This one was particularly implausible due to the odds stacked against Jared after he needed a career night from his flex RB. This is not to mention Carl scored 180 points. I’ll say that again. 180 points. None of it mattered, however, as Jared stole the win right out from under Carl’s nose and took home the honor of highest scoring team of the week for the second time this year. With that, he skyrocketed himself right up the standings to second place, in what was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the craziest games in league history. Two teams who were trade partners less than two weeks prior, went toe to toe in an what we are dubbing as the “Trade Showdown of Death”. While only one was able to prevail victorious, we believe both of them deserve mad props for their efforts in producing an instant classic for the ages. Still, by some miracle from the Fantasy Gods, this wasn’t even the best game of the week, as the epic clash between Daniel and Alex’s slightly bested this one in our opinion (more on that in a sec…). Nevertheless, we will still award them an honorable mention for the Cotton Mcknight and Pepper Brooks Game of the Week. Pepper needs new shorts!
Daniel vs. Alex
Oh, boy! While Jared and Carl were having an insane duel of mammoth proportions, the matchup between Alex and Daniel casually handed it’s beer over to the rando at the bar awkwardly talking to the sorority chick about how much he can bench and said, “Now watch this.” Then they proceeded to go out and face off in a contest so absurd, so unthinkable, so extraordinarily jaw dropping, it shall live on forever in the Fantasy History Books of our league, highlighted by one of the most incredible endings we may ever have the pleasure to witness.
Admittedly, the story lines were not quite as juicy as the Jared and Carl tilt, but this heavyweight bout between the Commish and Dan the Man featured two managers feeling as though this could be their year. Alex, still reeling from a substandard fantasy performance just a week earlier after enduring a beatdown at the hands of yours truly, was desperately trying to get back on the win train. He was due as well, as his team was still suffering from a serious case of bipolar disorder, with an extremely volatile scoring pattern through four weeks. He was up one week, and then he was down the next, only to find himself with an uninspiring 2-2 record. Accordingly, one would expect this was going to be a big week for the Commish based on the aforementioned pattern as well as the hearty cocktail of mood stabilizing anti-psychotic drugs he was slipping into their protein shakes. On the other end, we had Daniel-San who was sitting pretty at 3-1 and enjoying an upward trajectory of point outputs week by week since his Week 1 defeat. If he could knock off Alex, it would make for four in a row, and, for the second year in a row, he would be the beneficiary of win streak of at least four games. More so this was a prime opportunity for the manager who once was the laughingstock of the league in years past to firmly cement himself in the conversation for best team in the league. Ultimately, after the dust finally settled from this inconceivable thriller, I think he did just that.
Like Jared v. Carl, the point scoring started on a little bit more of a slow burn, as Daniel could only net 9.2 on Thursday from Alex Collins. Additionally, Cordarelle and The Kuppinator cooled off a bit, mustering a still respectable 18.4 and 16.2 points for the Commish. I’m sure Alex was happy with those efforts, but it was a far cry from what he was getting from that duo in weeks prior. Then came Sunday, and in the morning window, Daniel jumped out quickly to pop the game’s points cherry with a huge throbbing 37.6 point shaft from Davante hung with a giant pair of point outputs from Najee and A-Rod (22.2 and 27.2). Just like that, Dan had the early advantage. Again, we went into autopilot for the rest of the afternoon without any more big performances for either manager. While Daniel was looking pretty good, Alex still had the ace in his sleeve, pairing his two Bills, Joshy Boy and the once dynamic fantasy stud from years past, Old Man Sanders, against the historically awful Chief’s defense. As the Sunday Night game wore on, I could just envision Dan’s sphincter closing tighter and tighter with the giant chunks of points being thrown up on the board for Alex easier than Joshy Woshy could leap those Chief defenders. By the time the game ended, Alex had erased a 30 point lead, turning it into a 25 point edge in his favor. That will happen when you get over 66 points from your QB and flex WR. Daniel did salvage 8 points from his kicker, but the damage had been done. He was seemingly toast, trailing by 25 plus, with the Commish still rocking the Ravens D against the middling Colts offense. Ball Game. Over. Toast.
Again, Monday Night came a calling, and it started annoyingly slow for Daniel. The one bright spot was the fact the Colts were putting up points, but Marquis Brown didn’t even register a single catch in the first half. The odds of an Alex win were exponentially increasing drive by drive. By midway through the third quarter, if this were a movie, we would have cut to Alex lounging back in a dimly lit room, nefariously twirling his mustache, and puffing on a victory cigar while he laughed in celebration. While Marquis and the Ravens stared straight down the barrel of 22-3 deficit and certain defeat, the camera would pan in slow motion, while a tragic orchestral musical piece played in the background, showing each of the bewildered and defeated faces of his bruised and battered teammates, until it faded out to reveal the scoreboard off in the distance. It would be at that moment Marquis could feel the immense weight of carrying the hopes of his team and Fantasy Managers across the world upon his now tired and weakened shoulders. Did he let them down? Did he let himself down? Most importantly, did he let Erin Andrews down? As he sauntered slowly to the sideline, visibly distraught by his ineffectiveness to provide even a smidgen of hope to the ones who counted on him most, he would woefully slump down onto the bench and bury his head between his arms as if to shield himself from the monstrous waves of tormenting shame that beat down upon his depleted soul, trying to drown him in humiliation and embarrassment for the whole world to see. While staring at his reflection in the small puddle forming on the turf from the numerous tears dripping off his weary cheeks, he was repulsed to even see his own face. As he came to the bitter realization that he had wistfully disgraced his family’s name on Fantasy’s greatest stage, he had to wonder deep down, was this really how it was going to go down? How could he live with himself?
With any great hero’s journey though, it is often the times of sorrow and hardship that come to truly define what they are really made of. As we cut back to Daniel screaming profusely at his TV screen in sheer disbelief, in a rare, unexplainable moment of divinity, the empowering words projected by Daniel-San into to the ether mystifyingly transcended the mere physical to shine through on a spiritual level like an ethereal beacon of hope, illuminating the battered heart of Marquis to reveal the joy and wonderment that this game brought to him as a little kid. Surmounting every concept of space and time scientifically thought possible, like a miracle delivered from the heavens, Marquis could hear each word of Daniel with a sobering clarity now as his time growing up, training with his late father, flashed before his eyes. Each word echoed by his dad as he remembered the struggles of fighting to make it one more set, one more rep, one more gasser. “Don’t you fuckin’ quit on me now, Hollywood! Not you! Remember Rocky! It ain’t about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward! Don’t you quit! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! YOUR’E BETTER THAN THAT!”
Somewhere from deep within himself he finds the strength to raise his head triumphantly as a penetrating look of intense focus runs across his face. It was going to be now or never. In a harrowing act of the unending leadership and courage only shown by the greatest of Fantasy Warriors, he gathered his troops on the sideline to deliver one final motivational speech to his team. As the heroic instrumental starts to kick in, now driven by sheer will and determination, his feelings come fervently spilling out of him with an unparalleled passion and tenacity so profound that we see an almost instantaneous influx of hope injected his team mates as the camera shows each of them, one by one, clinging to his every word.
Oh. My. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. Fantasy Fuckin’ Football… am I right? I don’t think I need to say it, but (no hyperbole) what we all just experienced is going to go down in the annals of history as one of, if not the, most absurdly preposterous weeks we have every been privileged enough to participate in. I’m not usually at a loss for words, but all I can say is… Wow. Just. Wow.
Anyway, with that said, I bid good morrow to all ye Swifties and fellow fantasy managers alike, as we welcome you all on in for another brand spanking new edition of some good ole’ fashioned Passionate Playback action as we fruitlessly attempt to bring at least a tad bit of sense to the absolute craziness that took place on the Fantasy Battlefields this past weekend. I realize the shoddily constructed, carny-style rollercoaster of death that many of our league members’ emotions were subjected to riding this past weekend was a special kind of cruel and unusual punishment imposed upon us, without impunity, by the Fantasy Gods. So, R.I.P. to those of you who found yourself riding an intense rush of euphoria to suddenly black out and awake in a dizzying fog of utter misery and confusion, aimlessly wondering the gardening section of Home Depot, fully nude and covered in a strange brown substance, while multiple sales associates call the cops… We’ve all been there, my friend. I mean, for Jared that’s just another Wednesday. Ultimately though, we must all continue to press on in our never ending mission to capture the ever-elusive belt as we approach the midway point of the season. The good news is every single team is still very much in the mix following by far the highest scoring output we may have possibly ever seen in one single week of play. The entire league averaged over 162 points per team, including five (count em’!) teams scoring over 180. You know what the even better news is though? Oh yeah baby! The staff was back at it again this week, working tirelessly around the clock to brew up a very special, hand crafted, artisanal batch of piping hot takes infused with rich, opulent insights and delectable little stat nuggets so potent that Herbie’s Herbs Cannabis & Tea Emporium just called saying they had to pull it off the shelves due to the growing number of their clientele reporting powerful bursts of pure ecstasy so intense that not even a seasoned stoner could handle it. So, as you sit there staring out into the yonder beyond your front window, contemplating the existential crisis that is the meaning of Fantasy, quickly mounting within your delicate little mind, go ahead and calmly pour yourself a nice heaping glass of it to sip on. Just let the soothing refreshness start to wash away the impending dread of a playoff-less season, and all your worries will float gently away as you begin to lose yourself in the reassuring lyrics of the peaceful T-Sweezy playlist playing softly over the Sonos speakers…Better? Okay, good. Now how about we get to it, gents?
Headlines/Awards:
Jared and Daniel outlast Carl and Alex in two of the craziest games in league history
Welp, you knew right where we were going to start this week as the biggest headline was so obvious that it stood out more than Kevin performing as a back up dancer in a Taylor Swift music video. While Kevin’s dream to one day actually make the cut for T Sizzle’s official dance crew might never be realized (we’re still rooting for you big guy!), the comebacks pulled off by Jared and Daniel were the stuff of what Fantasy Dreams are made of. We couldn’t be more amazed by these two Week 5 affairs that were so mind bottling in how they went down, if you tried to pitch it as a movie script, they would be turned away for being too unrealistic. With so much to unpack from clearly two of the most improbable victories in league history, how about we dig a little deeper on what exactly happened?
Jared vs. Carl
Entering Week 5, here we had two managers needing wins in the worst way, as both were coming off terrible losses the week prior. As we noted several times last week, the frustration continued to swell up for the embattled manager, Jared, who’s brazenness up on the league message boards, in terms of airing out his many “complaints”, was starting to become quite the nuisance. Unsurprisingly, this caused several league members to morph into Steph Curry chucking shots from half court right at the target on Jared’s back looking like an Olympic sized pool at that point. In order to shut the critics up, a win against Carl, one of the three 3-1 teams sitting near the top of the standings, would be the metaphorical Dikembe Mutombo rejection on the budding confidence of all the shit talkers thinking they would shoot their shot. Speaking of Carl, he was coming off his first stumble of the season, in an embarrassing shitstorm of patheticness, with a loss to the league’s worst team at that juncture, Kevin. In order to keep his seat near the top of the standings, a win over Jared would be a much needed course correction to keep himself on track for a first round bye and regain that early season swagger while he road carefree on cruise control directly for the playoffs. However, a loss would mean falling back into the muddled middle of the standings, leaving even bigger question marks for the newbie manager to grapple with while he waited on the side of the road, stranded in what had become a full-fledged torrential downpour of shit, showing no signs of stopping. It also should be noted that these were the first two managers to make a trade this season, with both of them sporting lineups that included highly drafted players by their opponent. Thus, it was going to be a good first test for each of them to see who might have bested the other in one of the biggest blockbuster deals we’ve seen two managers agree to in a very long time. All in all, we knew it was going to be a fun one to watch, with massive early season implications and narratives a plenty, but what transpired last weekend left us even more stunned than we thought feasible for a Week 5 matchup.
As the morning rolled around, everything seemed to start off rather quiet as Jared took a solid 8 on Thursday Night from his kicker, and Carl got a pedestrian 12.1 from Mike Davis in the London game. It was nothing special, but we didn’t have to wait long for the fireworks to go off once the morning games finally kicked off. Carl came out the gates faster than an eight-ball disappearing at KP’s bachelor party, as the ageless Father Tom went scorched Earth on the Dolphins to the tune of nearly 52 points, and Mikey Mike Evans was on the receiving end of many those passes, adding a near 30 burger. Even though Diontae Johnson scored a long TD on the opening drive, he only finished with a solid 15.2, and Marvin Jones couldn’t crack 4 points. So the door was still open for Jared when we hit the afternoon window of games. This is when things got really weird. Chubb and Hunt started trading touchdowns making them essentially a wash, but Jared’s three headed Charger lineup seemed to go limp. Then, at apparently a drop of a dime, in a swift change of mood by the Fantasy Gods, Jared received the most unlikely of revivals. While he was being tormented on the message boards by his league mates, out of nowhere he was struck by an abrupt lightning bolt of points straight to the tip of his flaccid team’s shchlong with three fourth quarter touchdowns from Ekeler, including one where he was trying to stay out of the endzone but the Cleveland D picked him up and carried him in. You literally can’t make that shit up, man. Just like that we had a ball game. Johnathan Taylor was set to go off on Monday Night and Travis Kelce was primed for Carl in the Sunday Night contest, in what appeared to be a close fight. But, like any great fortune randomly delivered by the Fantasy Gods, while Jared’s ungracious ass kept throwing up middle fingers to the rest of the league, it came at a price. The Cowboys D housed a garbage time pick to give Carl a nice little lead going into the last two games of the weekend. A cruel reminder to Jared that brief moments of Fantasy Success is always fleeting…
So, Sunday Night Football eventually came after the wild scoring affair from that afternoon, and like Kelce does week in and week out, he gave Carl a nice little 17.7 points to push his lead to nearly 23 points. Jared gave it a great run, and there was no shame in taking the loss to Carl’s 180-point week. Even if he was goosed by Taylor, this game was already a fantastic matchup full of exciting back and forth counter punches delivered by each manager. Both the Cleveland RBs showed out, we had a 50-point scorer, Jared got a combined 81.9 points from his three Chargers, and the three players that were involved in the trade only two weeks ago? They only combined for 87.1 points, which was an average of 29 points per player! Just top notch Fantasy Action through and through. So it was GG’s for these two after the hard fought battle, because as Sleeper noted, there was less than a 1% chance for Jared manage a comeback. No way, right? Johnathan Taylor? The terrible Colts offense? What were the odds? But, like Lloyd Christmas famously said, “So you’re saying there’s a chance?”
Monday Night eventually came and on the first freaking drive of the game, JT took a third and long check down 70 yards in one of the most magical catch and runs in our league history due to the implications. (*shrugs*) Of course that would happen… We now had three quarters for Taylor to score only five more points for Jared to accomplish the unthinkable. Inevitably he came through big time, capping it off with a second touchdown in the third quarter, to notch an impressive 31.9 points en route to yet another Monday Night Comeback for Jared. This one was particularly implausible due to the odds stacked against Jared after he needed a career night from his flex RB. This is not to mention Carl scored 180 points. I’ll say that again. 180 points. None of it mattered, however, as Jared stole the win right out from under Carl’s nose and took home the honor of highest scoring team of the week for the second time this year. With that, he skyrocketed himself right up the standings to second place, in what was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the craziest games in league history. Two teams who were trade partners less than two weeks prior, went toe to toe in an what we are dubbing as the “Trade Showdown of Death”. While only one was able to prevail victorious, we believe both of them deserve mad props for their efforts in producing an instant classic for the ages. Still, by some miracle from the Fantasy Gods, this wasn’t even the best game of the week, as the epic clash between Daniel and Alex’s slightly bested this one in our opinion (more on that in a sec…). Nevertheless, we will still award them an honorable mention for the Cotton Mcknight and Pepper Brooks Game of the Week. Pepper needs new shorts!
Daniel vs. Alex
Oh, boy! While Jared and Carl were having an insane duel of mammoth proportions, the matchup between Alex and Daniel casually handed it’s beer over to the rando at the bar awkwardly talking to the sorority chick about how much he can bench and said, “Now watch this.” Then they proceeded to go out and face off in a contest so absurd, so unthinkable, so extraordinarily jaw dropping, it shall live on forever in the Fantasy History Books of our league, highlighted by one of the most incredible endings we may ever have the pleasure to witness.
Admittedly, the story lines were not quite as juicy as the Jared and Carl tilt, but this heavyweight bout between the Commish and Dan the Man featured two managers feeling as though this could be their year. Alex, still reeling from a substandard fantasy performance just a week earlier after enduring a beatdown at the hands of yours truly, was desperately trying to get back on the win train. He was due as well, as his team was still suffering from a serious case of bipolar disorder, with an extremely volatile scoring pattern through four weeks. He was up one week, and then he was down the next, only to find himself with an uninspiring 2-2 record. Accordingly, one would expect this was going to be a big week for the Commish based on the aforementioned pattern as well as the hearty cocktail of mood stabilizing anti-psychotic drugs he was slipping into their protein shakes. On the other end, we had Daniel-San who was sitting pretty at 3-1 and enjoying an upward trajectory of point outputs week by week since his Week 1 defeat. If he could knock off Alex, it would make for four in a row, and, for the second year in a row, he would be the beneficiary of win streak of at least four games. More so this was a prime opportunity for the manager who once was the laughingstock of the league in years past to firmly cement himself in the conversation for best team in the league. Ultimately, after the dust finally settled from this inconceivable thriller, I think he did just that.
Like Jared v. Carl, the point scoring started on a little bit more of a slow burn, as Daniel could only net 9.2 on Thursday from Alex Collins. Additionally, Cordarelle and The Kuppinator cooled off a bit, mustering a still respectable 18.4 and 16.2 points for the Commish. I’m sure Alex was happy with those efforts, but it was a far cry from what he was getting from that duo in weeks prior. Then came Sunday, and in the morning window, Daniel jumped out quickly to pop the game’s points cherry with a huge throbbing 37.6 point shaft from Davante hung with a giant pair of point outputs from Najee and A-Rod (22.2 and 27.2). Just like that, Dan had the early advantage. Again, we went into autopilot for the rest of the afternoon without any more big performances for either manager. While Daniel was looking pretty good, Alex still had the ace in his sleeve, pairing his two Bills, Joshy Boy and the once dynamic fantasy stud from years past, Old Man Sanders, against the historically awful Chief’s defense. As the Sunday Night game wore on, I could just envision Dan’s sphincter closing tighter and tighter with the giant chunks of points being thrown up on the board for Alex easier than Joshy Woshy could leap those Chief defenders. By the time the game ended, Alex had erased a 30 point lead, turning it into a 25 point edge in his favor. That will happen when you get over 66 points from your QB and flex WR. Daniel did salvage 8 points from his kicker, but the damage had been done. He was seemingly toast, trailing by 25 plus, with the Commish still rocking the Ravens D against the middling Colts offense. Ball Game. Over. Toast.
Again, Monday Night came a calling, and it started annoyingly slow for Daniel. The one bright spot was the fact the Colts were putting up points, but Marquis Brown didn’t even register a single catch in the first half. The odds of an Alex win were exponentially increasing drive by drive. By midway through the third quarter, if this were a movie, we would have cut to Alex lounging back in a dimly lit room, nefariously twirling his mustache, and puffing on a victory cigar while he laughed in celebration. While Marquis and the Ravens stared straight down the barrel of 22-3 deficit and certain defeat, the camera would pan in slow motion, while a tragic orchestral musical piece played in the background, showing each of the bewildered and defeated faces of his bruised and battered teammates, until it faded out to reveal the scoreboard off in the distance. It would be at that moment Marquis could feel the immense weight of carrying the hopes of his team and Fantasy Managers across the world upon his now tired and weakened shoulders. Did he let them down? Did he let himself down? Most importantly, did he let Erin Andrews down? As he sauntered slowly to the sideline, visibly distraught by his ineffectiveness to provide even a smidgen of hope to the ones who counted on him most, he would woefully slump down onto the bench and bury his head between his arms as if to shield himself from the monstrous waves of tormenting shame that beat down upon his depleted soul, trying to drown him in humiliation and embarrassment for the whole world to see. While staring at his reflection in the small puddle forming on the turf from the numerous tears dripping off his weary cheeks, he was repulsed to even see his own face. As he came to the bitter realization that he had wistfully disgraced his family’s name on Fantasy’s greatest stage, he had to wonder deep down, was this really how it was going to go down? How could he live with himself?
With any great hero’s journey though, it is often the times of sorrow and hardship that come to truly define what they are really made of. As we cut back to Daniel screaming profusely at his TV screen in sheer disbelief, in a rare, unexplainable moment of divinity, the empowering words projected by Daniel-San into to the ether mystifyingly transcended the mere physical to shine through on a spiritual level like an ethereal beacon of hope, illuminating the battered heart of Marquis to reveal the joy and wonderment that this game brought to him as a little kid. Surmounting every concept of space and time scientifically thought possible, like a miracle delivered from the heavens, Marquis could hear each word of Daniel with a sobering clarity now as his time growing up, training with his late father, flashed before his eyes. Each word echoed by his dad as he remembered the struggles of fighting to make it one more set, one more rep, one more gasser. “Don’t you fuckin’ quit on me now, Hollywood! Not you! Remember Rocky! It ain’t about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward! Don’t you quit! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! YOUR’E BETTER THAN THAT!”
Somewhere from deep within himself he finds the strength to raise his head triumphantly as a penetrating look of intense focus runs across his face. It was going to be now or never. In a harrowing act of the unending leadership and courage only shown by the greatest of Fantasy Warriors, he gathered his troops on the sideline to deliver one final motivational speech to his team. As the heroic instrumental starts to kick in, now driven by sheer will and determination, his feelings come fervently spilling out of him with an unparalleled passion and tenacity so profound that we see an almost instantaneous influx of hope injected his team mates as the camera shows each of them, one by one, clinging to his every word.
“They may have us down, but they are going to have kill us before we give up! A Raven does not go without a fight! I refuse to let them come in here and think they can push us around like some little school boy bitches! Well, I have news for them! This is OUR moment; right here, and right now! Tonight, we don’t stop fighting, we don’t stop coming at them, we don’t stop giving every last ounce of what we have until they are carrying us off the fucking field on a mother fucking stretcher! You hear that, gentlemen? You here that sound? That is the sound of the pain train! Who are we?”
“Pain Train!!”
“I can’t hear you!!!”
“PAAAIN TRAAIN!!!! CHOOO!!! CHOOOO!!!”
Just like that we hear the ref blow the whistle and we go into a montage of big time plays, starting with Marquis hauling in a 43-yard TD to get the fans going. 22-9 Colts. As he kept catching ball after ball, the epic music just keeps picking up. Bam. Another one for 7 yards. Bam. Another catch for 17 yards. The music picks up even more and more as we keep panning back to the scoreboard 25-17 Colts, under 5 minutes to play. Bam. Another catch for 20 yards. Mark Andrews then scores a touchdown and gets the two-point conversion. Tied ball game with under 40 seconds to go. We cut to Alex, playing poker with his henchmen, laughing it up having a good time, when one of his female assistants in a tight little cocktail dress come up to him and whisper something in his ear. All of the sudden Alex slams his cards down on the table, causing his glass of scotch to spill over and the chips go flying everywhere. Both Dan and Alex are watching the TV screen intently now. A kick by Blankenship can seal the deal as Marquis has Daniel only down by just over a point. It goes wide. Overtime.
On the table now is something we never thought we would see again in this league. The illustrious Double Double With Cheese: When a Fantasy player wins a football game for his real life team and a manager’s fantasy team on the last play of the game. Will Lutz famously did this for Kevin against DW in Week 1 of 2019, but the odds of it happening again? Unthinkable. Impossible. As the Ravens drove up the field, Dan trailing by less than a point now, one more catch for Marquis would seal the deal. 2nd and goal from the five, Alex and Daniel now furiously pacing the room, praying for one last play to capture victory. Time stands still as Lamar hikes the ball and initially doesn’t see anyone open. Dan is now covering his eyes, as each millisecond feels like an eternity. Lamar rolls out furiously to his right, surveying the field for an open receiver. Alex screams out in anger, “Get him! Fuckin’ get him goddamnit!” The pass rush closes in and just before getting creamed by two Colt defenders, Lamar lasers one to the right side of the endzone. The whole world goes into slow motion as we see both Dan and Alex’s jaws agaped wider than Riley Reid’s booty hole after shooting a scene with three dudes at once. The camera zooms in on a pair of hands that hauls in the Lamar throw. Who would it be? Just as the camera pans out to expose the name on the back of the jersey, we hear the upbeat celebratory music drop in. It was the man who stood up when all seemed lost for his and Daniel’s fantasy team and was there to lift them out from the depths of defeat. That’s right, folks. Marquis Mother Fucking Brown. Tears of joy would stream down Daniel’s face as he ran around his room in pure elation, fists raised to the sky. We go back to Alex, who in a fit a fury throws his coffee table across the room, as his assistants hurriedly scurry from the room in fear for what he might do next. Both the Ravens and Daniel win the game on the last play of the game in two glorious comebacks for the ages. A Fuckin’ Double Double with Cheese. We see a split screen shot of Marquis and Daniel both taking one final, thankful glance up into the night sky as if they both were acknowledging each other's role in making this glorious moment happen. As we see their faces freeze on the screen, it fades to black and the credits start to roll. Just like Marquis nickname, it was a Hollywood ending to one of the most remarkable games our league has ever seen. It’s not often the sequel out does the original, but holy fucking hell, man. In what we are dubbing the “Double Double With Cheese Game 2: Hollywood’s Revenge” it more than lived up to the hype, and for that it earns the Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks Game of the Week. I feel shocked!
Power Rankings:
This week they went nearly chalk with the standings, and since we spent so much time covering the two amazing games in the Headlines/Awards, we have an abbreviated version of the Power Rankings. We plan to get back to the regular scheduled programming next week. No guarantees of course.
1. DanielWest 4-1; Power Score: 8.95
2. Jweverstad 3-2; Power Score: 8.45
3. Cholgerson34 3-2; Power Score: 7.55
4. Jressa 3-2; Power Score: 7.3
5. KartierKyle 3-2; Power Score: 5.85
6. AlexAshak 2-3; Power Score: 5.55
7. Tborgs4 2-3; Power Score: 4.6
8. Kshak 2-3; Power Score: 4.25
9. BigPapaPump92 1-4; Power Score: 4.2
10. KenUdigit 2-3; Power Score: 3.95
Well, my friends, that is going to be it for this week. If you’re upset I didn’t cover your team, well hopefully you can understand the circumstances because weeks like this don’t come very often. Also, consider yourself lucky that you didn’t experience the wrath of criticism from my mighty pen. Please note, while Dan and Alex’s game was based off true events, some of the details may have been slightly changed for dramatic purpose. Until next time, Toodloo Mutha Fuckas!
“Pain Train!!”
“I can’t hear you!!!”
“PAAAIN TRAAIN!!!! CHOOO!!! CHOOOO!!!”
Just like that we hear the ref blow the whistle and we go into a montage of big time plays, starting with Marquis hauling in a 43-yard TD to get the fans going. 22-9 Colts. As he kept catching ball after ball, the epic music just keeps picking up. Bam. Another one for 7 yards. Bam. Another catch for 17 yards. The music picks up even more and more as we keep panning back to the scoreboard 25-17 Colts, under 5 minutes to play. Bam. Another catch for 20 yards. Mark Andrews then scores a touchdown and gets the two-point conversion. Tied ball game with under 40 seconds to go. We cut to Alex, playing poker with his henchmen, laughing it up having a good time, when one of his female assistants in a tight little cocktail dress come up to him and whisper something in his ear. All of the sudden Alex slams his cards down on the table, causing his glass of scotch to spill over and the chips go flying everywhere. Both Dan and Alex are watching the TV screen intently now. A kick by Blankenship can seal the deal as Marquis has Daniel only down by just over a point. It goes wide. Overtime.
On the table now is something we never thought we would see again in this league. The illustrious Double Double With Cheese: When a Fantasy player wins a football game for his real life team and a manager’s fantasy team on the last play of the game. Will Lutz famously did this for Kevin against DW in Week 1 of 2019, but the odds of it happening again? Unthinkable. Impossible. As the Ravens drove up the field, Dan trailing by less than a point now, one more catch for Marquis would seal the deal. 2nd and goal from the five, Alex and Daniel now furiously pacing the room, praying for one last play to capture victory. Time stands still as Lamar hikes the ball and initially doesn’t see anyone open. Dan is now covering his eyes, as each millisecond feels like an eternity. Lamar rolls out furiously to his right, surveying the field for an open receiver. Alex screams out in anger, “Get him! Fuckin’ get him goddamnit!” The pass rush closes in and just before getting creamed by two Colt defenders, Lamar lasers one to the right side of the endzone. The whole world goes into slow motion as we see both Dan and Alex’s jaws agaped wider than Riley Reid’s booty hole after shooting a scene with three dudes at once. The camera zooms in on a pair of hands that hauls in the Lamar throw. Who would it be? Just as the camera pans out to expose the name on the back of the jersey, we hear the upbeat celebratory music drop in. It was the man who stood up when all seemed lost for his and Daniel’s fantasy team and was there to lift them out from the depths of defeat. That’s right, folks. Marquis Mother Fucking Brown. Tears of joy would stream down Daniel’s face as he ran around his room in pure elation, fists raised to the sky. We go back to Alex, who in a fit a fury throws his coffee table across the room, as his assistants hurriedly scurry from the room in fear for what he might do next. Both the Ravens and Daniel win the game on the last play of the game in two glorious comebacks for the ages. A Fuckin’ Double Double with Cheese. We see a split screen shot of Marquis and Daniel both taking one final, thankful glance up into the night sky as if they both were acknowledging each other's role in making this glorious moment happen. As we see their faces freeze on the screen, it fades to black and the credits start to roll. Just like Marquis nickname, it was a Hollywood ending to one of the most remarkable games our league has ever seen. It’s not often the sequel out does the original, but holy fucking hell, man. In what we are dubbing the “Double Double With Cheese Game 2: Hollywood’s Revenge” it more than lived up to the hype, and for that it earns the Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks Game of the Week. I feel shocked!
Power Rankings:
This week they went nearly chalk with the standings, and since we spent so much time covering the two amazing games in the Headlines/Awards, we have an abbreviated version of the Power Rankings. We plan to get back to the regular scheduled programming next week. No guarantees of course.
1. DanielWest 4-1; Power Score: 8.95
2. Jweverstad 3-2; Power Score: 8.45
3. Cholgerson34 3-2; Power Score: 7.55
4. Jressa 3-2; Power Score: 7.3
5. KartierKyle 3-2; Power Score: 5.85
6. AlexAshak 2-3; Power Score: 5.55
7. Tborgs4 2-3; Power Score: 4.6
8. Kshak 2-3; Power Score: 4.25
9. BigPapaPump92 1-4; Power Score: 4.2
10. KenUdigit 2-3; Power Score: 3.95
Well, my friends, that is going to be it for this week. If you’re upset I didn’t cover your team, well hopefully you can understand the circumstances because weeks like this don’t come very often. Also, consider yourself lucky that you didn’t experience the wrath of criticism from my mighty pen. Please note, while Dan and Alex’s game was based off true events, some of the details may have been slightly changed for dramatic purpose. Until next time, Toodloo Mutha Fuckas!
