Week 6
Passionate Playback
Why hello there my Swifty comrades! We kindly welcome you on into our humble abode strategically placed out of the firing zone of the never ending of onslaught shit talk grenades being heaved at a rate never seen before, to the point it has unscrupulously inundated our league like the crusty yellowish infestation you might cruelly discover on your genitals after frequenting your local furry festival. You have to love it! Still, as we put the final touches on the first half of the season, while the stupendous play and balls to the wall Fantasy Action has more than tickled my fancy, I’m sure many of you might find that trying to dodge, dip, duck, dive, and… dodge the multitudes of shots being fired squarely at your Fantasy Ego, might be somewhat of a tiring endeavor. Thus, your kind-hearted friends here on the Passionate Playback staff have returned again to offer you a safe space filled with our classic brand of silly metaphors, whimsical takes, and the thought-provoking insights that y’all have come to desperately yearn to be delivered hot off the press from my trusty Dell, all for your reading pleasure. Best part is it comes totally free of the micro aggressions being harshly aimed at your brittle feelings by the ruling class of our league. So it’s okay my little friend, not everyone can be good at fantasy. Might we suggest a therapeutic stroll through an amber field of grain, draped by the stunning fall back drop of a golden tinted mountain range? Just enjoy the pure bliss of the scenic back country sunset as you slowly run your fingers through the foliage while the heavenly lyrics of our main girl, T Sizzle, vocalizes the soundtrack to your life. Ahhhh, that should do the trick. Now how about we get to it, eh?
Headlines:
Alex thrusts back hard from behind Jared… also comes back (boom.) in highest scoring affair of the year with 200.05 – 178.95 win
Whooooeee! This was a fun one, gentlemen! If we didn’t have maybe the most historic week of Fantasy Football we’ve seen in the league the week prior, this game might have been the best one of the year yet. It had literally everything you could ask for: big performances, spicy storylines, abject failures, an impressive Monday Night Comeback, and of course, the shit talking in droves. Oh boy, there was a lot of shit talking. In what the staff believes has turned into our most heated rivalry in the league, the Jared v. Alex matchup has fully percolated into its final form of pure Fantasy Hatred. All this was emphasized by The Commish’s poetic exclamation point he put on the dub in a bold, yet glorious, call out of Jared. Decked out and dressed to the nines with his sharply fitted plush jet-black suit, complemented by the piquant golden tie that projected an essence of pure domination with a subtle hint of brashness, he put Jared on notice by letting him know, in Alex’s words, “You fucking suck.” Brings a tear to my eye.
Anyway, for Alex, while he basks in the glory of a huge victory, which catapulted him up two spots and into the number four slot of the standings, Jared, now slides down behind Alex to ride his rear (boom). The day didn’t start out all bad for Jared though, as Johnathan Taylor and Adam “Can’t Stop This” Thielen went off big in the morning games, notching roughly 29 a piece. Alex however, started fast with Joey Mix-A-Lot and the always faithful Cooper Kupp coming through handsomely with 25 and 34 respectively. Where it all went wayward was when Jared’s mighty sword, the three pronged Charge-o-Blade, went completely dull, and barely eeked out 24.2 points TOTAL. That would be a whopping 8.06 point per player average. Not. Good. That is ultimately what made the difference after Jared did manage to manufacture a stellar day, hitting 178.95 points. However, Alex’s trusty steeds, Joshy Boy and Diggs Nasty went out and put the game away with magnificent outings once again, pushing him over the 200-point total for the first time this season. In yet another freaking Monday Night Comeback, we found the rare encore that, albeit, wasn’t exactly a Double Double With Cheese, but provided plenty of excitement for the second consecutive week.
Yours Truly beats down resurgent Kev; takes home second highest scoring team of the week in 188.95 – 151.85 win
Well what a win if I do say so myself. It started out in Kevin’s favor all morning as I couldn’t catch a break after Big Kev went off in the London and morning games. James Robinson put up a 19 spot while the Waddler added in a cool 29 points to give him the early lead. After that, it was a touchdown palooza for Kev, while my receivers couldn’t catch a pass and Kirky Cuz couldn’t hit a wide open Jefferson. The frustration was setting in for me, and when Woods, Hubbard, and Henderson all scored in what seemed like a 10 minute span, I knew at that point I had to resort to desperate measures. I took to the message boards to make the sportsmanlike congratulatory post with the afternoon and Sunday nighter still left on the slate, knowing full well we had yet to determine a victor. I was grasping for straws for a sign of life from my team, and any good fantasy manager knows that sometimes you have to think outside the box to be able light the fire under your team at the right time. In a gutsy, "break glass in case of an emergency", move that could’ve backfired on me badly, the reverse jinx play worked to perfection as my team heroically lined up an extra long rail right on an overpriced fancy escort’s tight little ass and took in a giant whiff of those pure uncut points straight to the dome piece. Soon we were riding higher than balloon boy circa 2009 as we cruised on our home made helium filled flying saucer, landing safely in Victory Lane. After it was all said and done, I had locked up a 4-2 record through the first half of the season, placing myself in perfect position to make a playoff run and avenge the treachery that was brought upon me just a season ago. As for Kevin, at 2-4 he will have a little soul searching to do after we brutally snatched it away from him in our best win of the season. Hey, Kev, I know losing’s never fun, but here’s a little something to keep your spirits up…
(*Throws up a middle finger*)
It’s real nice… got it at Target… It was on sale.Awards:
Domonic Toretto Ballsiest Call of the Week – Yours Truly for playing Cardinal’s Defense
I do in fact fancy myself a good streamer play for the defense position, but, as I am sure some of you know, it’s not always an exact science. Well, there were some okay options out there this week, most of which were projected much higher point values than the Cardinals. While the Cards’ did have the second best fantasy defense to that point, going against Cleveland’s high powered running attack, on the road, and sporting the 28th rated rushing defense, it seemed like it would be foolish to stick with them. My gut just felt good about it for some reason though. Maybe it was I knew Baker is always good for a pick or two, or maybe it was just naïve homerism. Whatever you want to call it, I had the balls to stick with my guns and roll with my trusty hometown squad and it paid off in spades. The 20 points they tallied for me was a huge factor in leading my comeback against Big Kev. I’m one of those boys who appreciates a fine body, regardless of make.
Shane Falco Replacement Play of the Week – Daniel getting 19.2 from Khalil Herbert
Our first Shane Falco award of the year, and it was from one of the most improbable heroes we’ve had in a good minute. That’s right, rookie 3rd stringer Khalil Herbert. After Montgomery went down, Dan went out and snagged the former Chief Damien Williams, who quickly became a stalwart of consistency in his potent lineup. So, honestly, Dan maybe could have been awarded the Shane Falco even sooner with D Will’s play. Then, William’s goes and gets himself a little bit of the Rona, and Dan jumped on the next Bear running back in line. Not always the best decision. However, Khalil “Don’t call me Justin” Herbert caught lightning in a bottle by snagging a handy little 19 points for Daniel-San, propelling him to his 5th win in as many weeks. Therefore, we couldn’t let it go without giving him his due. Brief side note: sorry to Grant for not giving him credit for a similar play with Alexander Mattison scoring 26.3 points to replace Dalvin in his lineup in his Week 5 win… Ummmm yeah we kind of missed that one in all the craziness. Our bad. Still, great job by Dan the Man this week, and kudos to him for finding a replacement player to the replacement player. You don’t see that very often. Pain heals, chicks dig scars… Glory lasts forever.
Power Rankings:
1. DanielWest 5-1; Power Score: 8.6
Well, no surprise here, as Daniel maintains the top spot in the Power Rankings for the second week in a row after extending his win streak to five and counting. There was no let down after claiming the second Double Double With Cheese in league history, and we can’t really find any real critiques of his season thus far as he is rocking a shimmering 39-15 League Record, which is five games clear of anyone else in the league. Even Erin Andrews is vitally impressed. While she was unavailable to comment being that she is taking leave in the Maldives this weekend, she did manage to send a text that read, “Not Bad.” All signs are pointing up for Daniel-San right now and I’m sure this is how he must be feeling after his blistering 5-1 start to the season:
2. Jressa 4-2; Power Score: 7.9
Coming at number two is Moi and my stellar group of receivers carrying the team. I could point to my 34-20 League Record, tied for second in the league, or the third most Points For (954.1) as why I think I have as good a shot as anyone for the belt this year. But no, I’ll just point out that I have FIVE of the top 10 receivers in Fantasy so far this year. That’s not a typo. I have Hill at #2, Chase at #5, Jefferson at #6, Deebo at #8, and Cee Dee at #10. The only other manager that has more than one is Daniel with two (Davante at #3 and Hollywood at #7). This goes to show my drafting abilities and willingness to zag when everyone else is zigging. I used to be a guy who loads up on RBs because of how valuable they are, but when you all decided to take this strategy, I went the other way and scooped up quality receivers left and right. While I didn’t manage to draft a serviceable RB2 or a half decent TE, Zeke has been the epitome of consistency being the #4 RB, and I might have finally found a back to pair with him for the time being. On top of that, some of y'all made fun of me for taking Hurts when I already had Russ (who never get’s injured), but forgot that I am doomed to have my QB get injured every year (Last year’s on me, Dak). Even though Jalen couldn’t hit water if he was standing on a boat, the man loves him some garbage time rushing TDs. So, do I feel good about my team? You bet your sweet ass! Now that I have re established myself and my drafting prowess, it makes me wonder how everyone still wants to do snake drafts, when I clearly rape you all on the draft year in and year out. Damn it feels good to toot my own horn! Oh, you thought I was just going to go away after last year’s debacle? Nah, I’m reengaging! Talk to me, Goose!
3. AlexAshak 3-3; Power Score 7.7
Quickly turning into the league’s biggest villain, unafraid to drop Hiroshima levels of shit talking bombs on his foes, is the Commish, coming in tied for third in the Power Rankings. Even after he fell in the epic Double Double With Cheese Game, we can see his team is rounding into maybe the most formidable rosters in the league. Even though he is only 3-3, he has the two highest scoring weeks on the season (195.3 and 200.05), and, as we mentioned in a past Passionate Playback, has clearly the highest ceiling due to having studs at every level of his lineup. As the highest scoring team in the league through six weeks of play (975.05 points), Alex is primed to continue to exact his supreme wrath on the league with the precision, cockiness, and expensive style of a psychopath in a Valentino suit and Brooks Brothers glasses. Here’s a brief look at his Sunday Morning routine as he prepares to take down his next victim:
3. Jweverstad 3-3; Power Score: 7.7
Moving along, tied with the Commish for third in the rankings, we have the easily enraged Fantasy Manager, Jared. While he did take home the heroic comeback for the ages in Week 5, Week 6 was almost as equally brutal as Week 5 was amazing. It’s never fun to lose while nearly putting up 180 points, but to do it to maybe his biggest rival at this point? You hate to see it. At 3-3 he is in pretty good shape, and as it currently stands, he holds both the second most Points For in the league (957.15) and is tied with me and Alex for second in League Record (34-20). However, even when things seem to be going great, he somehow finds a way for his team to brutally catch fire and go tumbling to the ground in a ball of flames. If he is going to redeem himself, he will need to navigate one of the hardest weeks anyone in our league has maybe ever been hit with in terms of players on bye and/or injured. The good news? Since his entire bench will be out, he is guaranteed to play his best lineup. The bad news? All of his Chargers, his QB, his two best receivers, and his number one draft pick will all be on said bench… Ouch. Whatever you do man, don’t lose your composure!
5. Cholgerson34 4-2; Power Score: 7.4
Falling down to number five, surprisingly, is the manager that just keeps winning in Carl. While he did hit a bit of a snag in Week’s 4 and 5, he got back in the win column last weekend, but ultimately the numbers didn’t shake out in his favor, leading him to drop in the rankings. Admittedly, I didn't foresee this happening after the win, but when we look into it a little more, we can see his pedestrian League Record of 27-26-1 (6th in the league) is holding him back quite a bit. On top of this, even though he claims a top three spot in the standings, he still is only 5th (927.6) in Points For and 7th in Points Against (853.2). We will give him credit for having the best Coach Performance at the midway point of the season with just 78.2 points left on his bench, but he is going to need to improve the point production if he wants to hold on to a top spot in the standings. That, or just make another visit to the old wise wizard, who I’m sure will cast a little point reducing magic on his opponents for... a few favors.
6. KenUdigit 3-3; Power Score: 4.9
As we make our way down into the bottom half of the rankings, we find Grant, who has quietly ran off two wins in a row, which I’m sure he hopes is the beginning of his ascent. While we were very critical of Grant’s 1-3 start to the season, he has found a little bit of consistency the last two weeks, averaging 155 points per game over that span. However, it is really only his record that is propping him up this high in the rankings, and it is going to be a long and arduous task to be able to leap frog some of the other teams in front of him. He currently is second to last in Points For (818.45), fourth to last in Points Against (865.9), and he claims the second worst League Record (17-37). Yeah… none of that is very good. Last season’s wonder boy is 3-3, so there’s obviously still hope. However, if he keeps this up, it will be only a matter of time before he drops out of a spot in the playoffs. Time is luck my friend… and luck always runs out.
7. Kshak 2-4; Power Score: 4.15
As we find ourselves descending the rankings, sliding into the number seven slot is good ol’ Big Kev. Winless through the first three weeks, he briefly surged to take home back to back wins in Weeks 4 and 5, only to run into the buzz saw that was my team in Week 6. I don’t think it’s a shocker when we are this low in the rankings to see that Kevin is bottom tier in just about every category, except for Points Against which he has the third highest amount with 937.55. This does seem to indicate he has been a little bit unlucky so far in terms of his record. Which Kev will undoubtedly make the case for I am sure. The fact of the matter he is just not a good manager and continues to want to dance with the devil with his many managerial blunders that cost him. It’s who he is and who he always will be. Now I want you to say it, Kevin. Say the words, “I am not a good Fantasy Manager.”
8. BigPapaPump 1-5; Power Score: 3.85
Oh man, as we arrive at number eight, we have KP, and his never-ending onslaught of losses. At this juncture, I think we should just accept that he is just a bastion for brutal losses and is officially the league’s whipping boy. He did manage to take home a victory in Week 5, which we didn’t get to cover due to the chaos that unfolded, but he returned right back to his normal self in Week 6, failing to capture a win and has now scored under 151 points four out of his six games this season. That little nugget, mixed in with his penchant to get ungodly amounts of points scored against him this season has been a recipe for absolute disaster. Even though he has a 31-26 League Record (4th best in the league), he only has a single win to show for it. Unsurprisingly, while he has the second most Points Against (948.55), he does have the most FAAB remaining with199 bucks. So… he has that going for him at least. FYI, you don’t get to keep that when the season’s over, KP. Anyway, this is clearly all of us feeling terrible we have to destroy KP’s team on weekly basis:
9. KartierKyle 3-3; Power Score: 3.8
Uggghhh… That’s really all I have to say about Kyle’s team right now, who is comfortably in the 9 hole of the rankings. He would be a runaway for dead fucking last too if he didn’t by some inexplicable act of the Fantasy Gods have three wins. He trades away Patty, hordes TEs, and just does about everything else you can think of that is outlined in the Fantasy Handbook of what not to do. He has the least amount of Points For (791.05 and only team to not crack 800 points), Points Against (825.6), and the worst League Record (13-41). He’s like a zoned out dirty hippie hopped up on goofballs and grass miraculously lucking out…
10. Tborgs4 2-4; Power Score: 3.55
Finally, rounding out the rear, we have Tyler. Now, it did take me a back a little to see that he wound up last with KP at 1-5, and Kyle’s abysmal statistics, but at 2-4, and some pretty pathetic stats himself, it ended up being Tyler as the odd man out. We don’t have to get into it too much with the stats, I know it’s bad, you know it’s bad, Tyler knows it’s bad. He can’t seem to shake the absolutely horrendous run of up and down play through the first half of the season. While he is one of only three managers to take home a top scoring team of the week, which he has done twice (along with Jared and Alex doing it twice as well), he is also one of only two managers to be the lowest scoring manager in multiple weeks, with him and Kyle both doing it twice. It really is amazing how volatile his team has been, and the time is now for the former champion to figure out a way to relinquish the vice grip that Madam Inconsistency has on his balls like a Catholic priest on an innocent little school boy. It's time, Tyler! It's time!! It could have been you, it could’ve been me, it could’ve been any of us who was the unsuspecting victim of Madam Inconsistency! We have to nail this scumbag! We have to show the league that she can’t get away with this!
Well, well, well, I think that is going to be it for us this week. Congratulations on making it through the first half of the season, my friends. As we make our way into the second half, the intensity on the Fantasy Battlefields will only continue to get fiercer. Therefore, we look forward to the future action and wish everyone godspeed and good luck. Until next time, from the cold, wet, rainy, windy, and overall miserable U.K., this is your Passionate Playback signing off. Later, gators!
