Weeks 3 and 4
Passionate Playback:
Oh, hi there fellas. It’s been a hell of week for the ole’ staff as we drank away at the spoils of victory, drunk on the excitement of our one-point win, only for the entire staff to call out sick the next week. Thus, I was forced to make the decision to suspend all write up operations for Week 3, due the complete lack of professionalism by my once trusted employees living in my head. As manager of the Passionate Playback Staff (of just me), you would think they would appreciate the 18 cents per hour I was paying them. But it’s like everyone says, no one wants to work these days. But, I digress. Now that I’ve begrudgingly coaxed them to show back up (with the help of buy one get one free burrito coupons at Chipotle), we’ve made a timely return just in time to help digest all the ups and downs of the last two weeks. Sadly, we must point out, with the conclusion of Week 4, we have now made it past the one quarter mark of the season, and there is still a lot to figure out. Is the undefeated Big Kev for real? Will I become this season’s Carl? Will one of the 2-2 teams make a run? It’s all so confusing. Yet, the one thing we can fall back on and bring a sense of normalness to our league in these times of Fantasy Unrest is that Kyle and KP are once again firmly planted at the bottom of the league. We can all thank the Fantasy Gods for that. Anyway, we welcome you all aboard our creeky wooden vessel headed down the treacherous Fantasy Season River located in the great swamplands of the Bayou. Make sure to grab one of our 1800s style lanterns and a wheat straw to chew on. The ambient light from the setting sun will only last so long, and there might be a gator or two in these here marshes ready to swallow your team whole. As we ominously float down its calm waters into the fog of Fantasy Unknown, heed the warnings of our old timer captain, Jim-Bob Willy, and his cryptic messages delivered in his classic Cajun accent. “Way out there yonder, where the waivers cling, Fantasy knows one thing, above all else: Every Fantasy Manager does what it must to survive.” So just sit there, as we disappear off into the mist, and Jim-Bob Willy strums a haunting tune on his banjo while the angelic voice from our main girl, T Sizzle, starts to fill the air. Like a ghost in the distance, she sings, poignantly setting the mood on our journey into Week 5. For better or worse, let’s get to it.
Oh, hi there fellas. It’s been a hell of week for the ole’ staff as we drank away at the spoils of victory, drunk on the excitement of our one-point win, only for the entire staff to call out sick the next week. Thus, I was forced to make the decision to suspend all write up operations for Week 3, due the complete lack of professionalism by my once trusted employees living in my head. As manager of the Passionate Playback Staff (of just me), you would think they would appreciate the 18 cents per hour I was paying them. But it’s like everyone says, no one wants to work these days. But, I digress. Now that I’ve begrudgingly coaxed them to show back up (with the help of buy one get one free burrito coupons at Chipotle), we’ve made a timely return just in time to help digest all the ups and downs of the last two weeks. Sadly, we must point out, with the conclusion of Week 4, we have now made it past the one quarter mark of the season, and there is still a lot to figure out. Is the undefeated Big Kev for real? Will I become this season’s Carl? Will one of the 2-2 teams make a run? It’s all so confusing. Yet, the one thing we can fall back on and bring a sense of normalness to our league in these times of Fantasy Unrest is that Kyle and KP are once again firmly planted at the bottom of the league. We can all thank the Fantasy Gods for that. Anyway, we welcome you all aboard our creeky wooden vessel headed down the treacherous Fantasy Season River located in the great swamplands of the Bayou. Make sure to grab one of our 1800s style lanterns and a wheat straw to chew on. The ambient light from the setting sun will only last so long, and there might be a gator or two in these here marshes ready to swallow your team whole. As we ominously float down its calm waters into the fog of Fantasy Unknown, heed the warnings of our old timer captain, Jim-Bob Willy, and his cryptic messages delivered in his classic Cajun accent. “Way out there yonder, where the waivers cling, Fantasy knows one thing, above all else: Every Fantasy Manager does what it must to survive.” So just sit there, as we disappear off into the mist, and Jim-Bob Willy strums a haunting tune on his banjo while the angelic voice from our main girl, T Sizzle, starts to fill the air. Like a ghost in the distance, she sings, poignantly setting the mood on our journey into Week 5. For better or worse, let’s get to it.
♪♫♬♪
Oh, Fantasy weeks running through my veins
Lost, I was born; Beltless, I came
Beltless I'll always stay
Fantasy knows why for years I roam
Free as waivers, Schefter’s whispers
Fantasy knows
And you didn't see me win
No, they never did see me win
And belts in my dreams
Into the mist, into the clouds
Don't leave
I make a fist, I make it count
And there are games that I will never-ever win, oh-oh-oh
And things that only Fantasy will ever know
Headlines:
Big Kev remains last undefeated team after downing Grant 181.05-145.15 in Week 4
I’m honestly at a loss for words. Who is this manager and what have you done with Kevin? Through the first four weeks he has managed his team with a level of flawlessness akin to a perfectly crafted T Sizzle love song. It is becoming artistry at this point watching him navigate his 2022 campaign, and I have literally no explanations as to how he suddenly went from maligned manager to genius wiz kid in a single off season. After dismantling our previous champion, Daniel in Week 3, he topped it in Week 4 by hanging a scorching hot 181.05 on Grant for the big victory. Equipped with a top flight QB, an early fantasy darling in Miles Sanders, a rejuvenated Gerald Everett, and Mikey Mike Evans, he got a combined 104.65 points. Add in his stalwart receiver Davante Adams’ 19.5 points and the Eagles D going off for 21 points, and you have all the ingredients for a magical week. Now 4-0 with a quarter of the season in the books, we no longer can chalk it up to blind luck. He is straight up one of the best teams in the league, and right now one of the top favorites to take home a belt this season. Utter disbelief. Touché, my friend… Touché.
Yours truly finally succumbs to the bitter she-devil that is Fantasy Defeat in 116.5-134.9 loss to Alex
I of course couldn’t go much farther into this write up without venting about my seemingly shitty Fantasy Team (It’s my write up goddamnit and my team so deal with it!). While I gritted out one of the most improbable sub-one point Monday Night Comeback victories in our league’s history in Week 3, I went up against the hapless Commish. Well, my matchup with Alex, who was previously winless on the season, ended as the third straight week in which I failed to produce 150 points, as I bottomed out at with just a horrific 116.05 points in an embarrassing loss. Just unacceptable on so many levels. For one, I can’t honestly expect to keep my winning record, or be an actual playoff threat for that matter, if I can’t score at least 150 points on any given week. Right now, my team is looking more and more like one that will be lucky to hit that mark, never mind hoping that they will go off in a big win. I’m holding on by a thread, praying the Fantasy Gods will continue to gift me victories because I just don’t contain the firepower to compete with the big boys at this moment. Saying I’m disgusted is beyond an understatement.
As for Alex, if he had any chance of vaulting himself back into playoff contention, this one seemed like one he had to get. Luckily for him, he did just enough to slip by my god fucking awful team, attaining his first dub on the season. I failed to deliver the crushing Tua-esque blow that would send his team’s chances right to the hospital to be put on life support. So, now the doctors are informing the family members that his chances are showing signs of life, as he is right back into the mix just like that in the early going of the season. While Alex breathes a giant sigh of relief and an invigorated sense of hope that his 2022 season is still alive and well, I sit scoffing in complete revulsion at my performance. A flip of the script I wasn’t prepared for but it’s the situation we find ourselves in. So… Yeah.
Jared fights back, shows amazing grit in sneaky back-to-back three points wins against Grant, Kyle
You don’t usually find me effusive with praise for the mangy grangy manager, Jared, but the staff can’t help but give a tip of the cap to the man who had the statistically worst team in the league through the first two weeks of the season. To be honest, it wasn’t even close. It wouldn’t have been crazy to say his start to the season was the grim foreshadowing of a manager destined to compete for maybe the shittiest team in the history of this league. I mean, at the very least it was in play. Like a fighter lying helplessly upon the canvas, dazed by the cocky young gun throwing him a vicious first round uppercut, Jared’s corner was ready to throw in the towel. Through the ringing in his ears, he could hear the ref start to count off. The agonizing pain of his throbbing head was becoming unbearable, and just as he was about to surrender consciousness to his shrinking peripherals, through his blurred vision he caught a glimpse of his wife and kids in the stands screaming through their tears for him to get up. Then, an inexplicable rush of strength overcame him, to everyone’s shock, and with the heart of a grizzled Fantasy Champion, he miraculously willed himself to rise from the ring floor and find his bearing. Just like that, as the crowd roared in excitement, he started furiously throwing punch after punch. First in Week 3, with a quick right hook and a duck to avoid Grant’s comeback attempt by Lil Ky and Cooper Kupp-o-coffee in the afternoon games. Then, Javonte nabbing 9 on Sunday Night was the quick jab that was just enough to slide by Grant by a an ever so close three points, to notch his first victory on the season. Even though it was an awful game, I’m sure Jared was glad to take the ugly win leading into his favorable matchup against Kyle in Week 4. Then, to top his 3-point win in Week 3, he went out and freaking did it again! The crowd now in complete delirium and the stadium shaking, Jared officially turned the tide on his 2022 season, with a quick one-two, rolling out the Goffster in lieu of the G.O.A.T, and an absolutely fucking deadly streamer hit with the Giants Defense (Both combined for 62). As the heroic Rocky music played, Jared racked up 158.7 points, and it was enough for yet another 3-point win. I can’t stress enough how crazy it is go back-to-back weeks claiming victories with a margin of 3 points or less. I honestly don’t know if it’s ever happened in league history, but Jared just accomplished the unthinkable. His gutsy fantasy roster maneuvering truly proved to be the work of a virtuoso, playing for something more than Fantasy, when he seemed to be all but toast. Now he finds himself right back in the fight, sitting at 2-2, going into the middle rounds of the heavy weight bout that is his Fantasy Season. We can’t wait to see what else this man has in store. You love to see it.
Awards:
Dominic Toretto Ballsiest Call – Kevin benching his 5th round pick, Kittle, plays Everett in Week 4
With our first Dom Toretto award of the young season, it goes to Big Kev and the giant hairy balls he had on display by continuing to ride his revitalized veteran waiver wire TE Everett over the highly drafted Kittle making his first appearance of the season. Now, either play would have resulted in the victory, so it was a bit a reach to hand out our first Dom Toretto award of the season. However, it is a rare feat to impress the staff so much with a ballsy call, due to the fact many of you rarely have the cojones to make decisions like this. Therefore, we can’t just deride the notion he wasn’t provided a little extra something-something by the Fantasy Gods for the swole pair between his legs he whipped out and showed the league by making this decision. It worked wonders as Everett bagged a handy 17.1 points while Kittle was a dud, not even getting 5 points in the big-time victory over Grant. This time… it ain’t just about being fast.
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Worst Call – My bitch ass in what I am calling the “Mattison Debacle”
What is everyone’s favorite thing to do? Listen to someone rant about their own Fantasy Team? No? Welp, I’m doing it again, folks. For most of my career as a Fantasy Manager, I have prided myself in my unparalleled ability to manufacture wins through my relentless effort to outsmart you all. You don’t finish first in the standings three out of the last four seasons by chance. This all came to a head leading into Week 3, when I finally outsmarted myself. Going into the game, I fancied myself a little bit of the Gregory Dortchness, which did turn out to be a solid pick up in my win. However, it was what started a chain of events so awfully managed, Kyle was probably nodding in approval like a proud father. Instead of ditching my soon to be brain dead back QB Tua, I thought, “Dalvin is probably not going to get injured this game” and I chose to just keep my concussed QB and drop Mattison. Famous last words. Dalvin of course tore his shoulder (or some shit), and with only Rashad Penny on the bench, who hadn’t sniffed a decent game all season, it forced me to ensure I got Mattison back. So, I spent a completely absurd 70 bucks of FAAB to ensure I had Mattison for Week 4, since I felt it was imperative I had a half decent number two RB. Who did I give up for Mattison you ask? My only other RB on the roster, Rashad Penny. It only gets better from here. Tua got knocked the fuck out again, and Kevin shrewdly swooped up Penny right before game time to watch him bust out finally. Then, to top it all off with a giant steaming turd in the punch bowl… Dalvin freakin’ played!! I- I just can’t. So, to recap, I lost nearly half my FAAB money, I lost my only backup RB, and I was stuck with a QB (one that there was literally no reason to keep on my roster with Patty starting) who is going to be drooling into a cup talking about his bird named Ronnie in a few weeks, and all for literally no reason at all. None of it would have factored into the outcome of Week 4, but the ramifications of this horrendous decision making is going to last the entire season for me. Fuck me. Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week – KP beating Alex 174.45-169.4 in Week 3 and Jared Beating Kyle 158.7-155.55 in Week 4
Honorable mention: Yours truly taking down Tyler 141.8-141.1
Oh brother! This season we have seen some of the wildest Fantasy Battles we have ever had the privilege of witnessing. The last two weeks were no exception as a four games were separated by less than an infinitesimally small 5 points. I didn’t check the record books, but this has to be unprecedented. These games have been so mind-bendingly wild, many of us have been hanging on for dear life as we go head to head with the relentless Cat 5 Hurricane level winds of anxiety wrecking our Fantasy Composure worse than what Ian did to Florida last week. So, let’s call out the Fantasy National Guard and try to sift through the wreckage by recapping all the craziness game by game.
KP vs. Alex
Coming into the matchup of two winless teams, there really wasn’t a whole lot to expect in terms of point production from either of these miserable managers, who had both yet to top 140 points in the early going of the season. We couldn’t have been more wrong however, as both unexpectedly broke out for their best games of the season and were the two highest scoring teams of Week 3. KP got the scoring party started early, pregaming alone with Thursday Night gems from Amari and the Chubb (totaling 40.4 points). Alex, would respond with his Eagle stack of Hurts-so-good and Devonta I-can-score-now Smith getting him 67.9 points combined. KP refused to be outdone, however, once again firing out a 28 burger from Hollywood Brown and a nifty 15.3 points from his kicker, Sir Matthias Von Pratersworth IV. When the afternoon games were done, KP led by 42.75 points and Alex had just Cee Dee and the Niners D left to try and make up the difference. His comeback bid got spicier when the Niners conjured up 15 points, setting the stage for Cee Dee to be in range. When the Monday nighter kicked off, it didn’t start off well for Cee Dee only mustering 4 points in the first half. The chunk plays started coming, however, in the second half. 17 yard catch here. 15 yard catch there. Just like that KP was edging (and not in the good way) closer and closer to falling off his seat. 8 minutes left and then Alex finally struck, singing Mary Had a Little Cee Dee Lamb, as he was now just 5 points off from pulling off a Monday night comeback for the history books. All the excitement for The Commish would fizzle out though, as the Cowboys got the ball back twice more, not finding Lamb once in those possession. KP, by the hair of his poorly manicured goatee, hung on for his first win of the season in one of the best games of the young season.
Me vs. Tyler
When Week 3 came around, Tyler was sitting on top of the Power Rankings, and I knew it was going to be tough battle if I wanted to come out victorious. Little did I know what was about to transpire. Tyler, which the pundits have confirmed, received a glorious gift from the Fantasy Gods as Lamar Jackson become the first ever QB to score 49 plus points in back-to-back weeks. On the other end of the Lamar TD strikes was Marky Mark Andrews who netted him a massive 28.9 points. On my end, Patty was struggling against an average Colts D’ and Gabe Davis was either not getting the ball thrown to him, or he was dropping touchdown passes. As I watched my team in shock at how bad they were performing, Tyler quietly was doing even shittier. Five of his players scored less than 6 points, and it was seeming more and more like he might actually not be able to put me away after The Dortchness grabbed ball after ball from Lil Ky to put up a cool 17 points in the afternoon games. Was Tyler honestly about to spoil a historic Fantasy Performance by his star QB? Well, in the Sunday Night game, his defense exploded for 20 points and my kicker could only collect a miniscule 5.5 points. Thus, I trailed by just a shade over 22 points going into Monday Night. It seemed over as I turned off my phone and slept that Monday night fully expecting I was taking home the tough L. When I awoke, I did a triple take in disbelief that Lord Saquod squirted out 22.6 points, giving me just enough to inch by the previously top rated team in the league. Since it was an actually pretty bad game, I couldn’t justify giving it the Game of the Week, but it was Fantasy Miracle, nonetheless. I want to know the percentage of millions of Fantasy Players who started Lamar Week 3 and actually lost. It’s got to be like .0001 percent right? Tough break, Tyler.
Jared vs. Kyle
To finish off the best games from the last two weeks, we had a ridiculous Week 4 clash between Kyle and Jared where one or both managers might still be in recovery from the Fantasy-Induced seizures brought about by the severe action-packed drama this one included for us (But what’s new?). After both teams finally snatched victories in Week 3, Kyle and Jared were both setting their sights on getting back into the thick of the playoff jostling as we made the turn into the meat of the season. Jared struck first with huge games from all parties involved in the Texans Chargers game. Ekeler threw up 34.9 points and Dameon Pierce wasn’t far off with his red hot 25.9 points. On top of that, Jared Goff put up an astounding 45 points for one of the best QB outings of the young Fantasy Season. It all seemed like it might be too much to overcome for Kyle, as A-Aron, who still hadn’t shaken the disorienting effects of his Ayahuasca infused offseason training plan, barely cleared 20 points. When Sunday night came-a-callin’, Kyle found himself in a 54-point hole, and it was up to the Chief stack the staff has been heavily slandering all season to bring Kyle back from depths of defeat. And, wouldn’t you know it, they actually came through in a big way. His Chief threesome ripped off 56.2 points as he rode the lightning of those sweet, sweet Patty dimes, roaring all the way from behind to overtake Jared going into the Monday Night showdown. With one starter left a piece, Jared’s kicker and Kyle’s defense, we all knew this one was going to come down to the wire. A double-double with cheese was also a distinct possibility (although it didn’t deliver) and it was anyone’s guess how it would turn out. When the dust settled, the final stats showed Matty Gay split the uprights three times, while the Rams D couldn’t slow down the “vaunted” Jimmy G, and it was good enough for his second consecutive three-point win by Jared. Who would of thunk it!? Effin’ A, Cotton! Effin’ A.
Power Rankings:
The Favorite:
1. Kshak 4-0; Power Score: 8.55
As mentioned before, no surprise Big Kev takes over as number one in the power rankings, finding himself here for the first time since… ever (I’m pretty sure). Leading the league with a 25-11 League Record, he has been clear and away the best team… And that’s all I have left to say about that.
The Contenders:
2. KenUdigit 2-2; Power Score: 7.2
3. Daniel West 3-1; Power Score: 7.0
Retaining the number two slot, Grant, surprisingly stays put even after losing the last two weeks. Tied with Tyler with a 21-15 League Record for 3rd in the league, combined with being the highest scoring team in the league to this point (629.65) has proven that his 2-2 record isn’t necessarily indicative of his performance thus far. As for Daniel, he moves up one spot to number three, and with a 3-1 record he is still sitting in prime position for his repeat attempt. He hasn’t necessarily been extremely noteworthy to date, but very, very good, just chugging right along with 4th most points in the league (615.7) and the 2nd best League Record (22-14). Erin Andrews talked to Coach Dan earliest this week and is reporting that when asked how his team was doing, he stated, “Fine.” The staff has to say they agree.
The Enigma:
4. jressa 3-1; Power Score: 7.0
I’m out of energy complaining about my team. Oh… Keenan Allen’s not playing? Great.
The Work Still Left To Do’s:
5. tborgs 2-2; Power Score: 6.95
6. Cholgerson34 1-3; Power Score: 5.5
For both Tyler and Carl, for all the good things we can point out about there team, there are definitely huge concerns for both managers. Tyler is the 3rd highest scoring team (623.25) in the league and owns the 3rd best League Record (21-15). However, he is sitting at 2-2 after wasting away one of Lamar’s colossal 50 point (*basically*) games, and now he slips down into the number five hole. Carl, has been bad, there’s no sugar coating that fact. But we have to point out, there is reason for optimism as we head into the main part of the season. He has left an ungodly low 38 points on the board through the first four games of 2022. This is by far the best mark for anyone in the league, and just a touch under 10 points per game. To put this in perspective, the next closest team is me at 53.6 points, with the rest of the league above 60 points left on the bench. On top of that over half the league has DOUBLE what Carl has in terms of lost points. So, even amid a furious wrath by the staff, Carl has quietly delivered one of the more historic four week runs in league history in playing their most optimal lineup. It is actually quite impressive. You couple that with his 3rd most Points Against (626.1), and we might have on our hands a late bloomer ready to erupt in the coming weeks. Orrrrr… We don’t. You know, he just could be bad too.
The Bottom Feeders:
7. BigPapaPump92 1-3; Power Score: 4.95
8. AlexAshak 1-3; Power Score: 4.2
The good news for both these teams? Both of them claimed victories in Weeks 3 and 4 respectively and will enter the second quarter of the season carrying at least one victory to their name. The bad news? They both have been pretty consistently bad. Each of them has had one week where they broke out, ironically playing each other as we detailed earlier, and then haven’t broke 140 points. By the grace of the Fantasy Gods, Alex stole a dub in one of those less than 140 point games, but they are both a combined 1-6 in such games. Unless there is hope that one or both can wake up and start stringing together weeks of solid Fantasy Output, we aren’t going to go out on a limb and say they are a viable championship contenders this year. But you know what? What the hell do I know?
The Dark Horse (?)
9. Jweverstad 2-2; Power Score: 4.15
Saddled by his abhorrently wretched start to the 2022 season through two weeks, even with back to back victories, Jared fails to make any movement in the Power Rankings. That being said, now that he scored the equalizer last week to level his record at two games a piece, Jared would probably argue he is right where he wants to be. All that matters is making the playoffs. As I have evidenced over and over, being first in the league doesn’t mean shit when the playoffs roll around. So, let’s keep our eye on the man with nothing left to lose. The most dangerous animal is the one backed into a corner. Don’t say I didn’t warn you guys.
Shittiest Team
10. Kartier Kyle 1-3; Power Score: 3.9
Aaaand here he is, safely in the cellar, our pal, Kyle, folks. While firmly attached to the ass end of the human centi-league, let’s all send our thoughts and prayers in the hopes that Jared and Kevin didn’t get the extra scoop of hot salsa and corn with their Burrito Bowl at Chipotle. Oh, they did? Tell your team to just let it slide down the back of their throat then. It’s the easiest way for it to go down.
Okay, Gentlemen, that will be it for this edition, and we thank you all for joining this time. Due to the many humans rights violations regarding indentured servitude with my staff that a “court” convicted me of, I unfortunately do have to give some of them time off. Apparently work life balance is a thing. So, with that, I might be doing write ups once every other week. But, we will make efforts to go back to our weekly rotation. Hopefully it all works out. For now, we wish you all a good luck and may the Fantasy Gods be in your favor. Remember to keep rockin’ those Taylor Swift tunes. Toodle-loo Motherfuckers!
Oh, Fantasy weeks running through my veins
Lost, I was born; Beltless, I came
Beltless I'll always stay
Fantasy knows why for years I roam
Free as waivers, Schefter’s whispers
Fantasy knows
And you didn't see me win
No, they never did see me win
And belts in my dreams
Into the mist, into the clouds
Don't leave
I make a fist, I make it count
And there are games that I will never-ever win, oh-oh-oh
And things that only Fantasy will ever know
Headlines:
Big Kev remains last undefeated team after downing Grant 181.05-145.15 in Week 4
I’m honestly at a loss for words. Who is this manager and what have you done with Kevin? Through the first four weeks he has managed his team with a level of flawlessness akin to a perfectly crafted T Sizzle love song. It is becoming artistry at this point watching him navigate his 2022 campaign, and I have literally no explanations as to how he suddenly went from maligned manager to genius wiz kid in a single off season. After dismantling our previous champion, Daniel in Week 3, he topped it in Week 4 by hanging a scorching hot 181.05 on Grant for the big victory. Equipped with a top flight QB, an early fantasy darling in Miles Sanders, a rejuvenated Gerald Everett, and Mikey Mike Evans, he got a combined 104.65 points. Add in his stalwart receiver Davante Adams’ 19.5 points and the Eagles D going off for 21 points, and you have all the ingredients for a magical week. Now 4-0 with a quarter of the season in the books, we no longer can chalk it up to blind luck. He is straight up one of the best teams in the league, and right now one of the top favorites to take home a belt this season. Utter disbelief. Touché, my friend… Touché.
Yours truly finally succumbs to the bitter she-devil that is Fantasy Defeat in 116.5-134.9 loss to Alex
I of course couldn’t go much farther into this write up without venting about my seemingly shitty Fantasy Team (It’s my write up goddamnit and my team so deal with it!). While I gritted out one of the most improbable sub-one point Monday Night Comeback victories in our league’s history in Week 3, I went up against the hapless Commish. Well, my matchup with Alex, who was previously winless on the season, ended as the third straight week in which I failed to produce 150 points, as I bottomed out at with just a horrific 116.05 points in an embarrassing loss. Just unacceptable on so many levels. For one, I can’t honestly expect to keep my winning record, or be an actual playoff threat for that matter, if I can’t score at least 150 points on any given week. Right now, my team is looking more and more like one that will be lucky to hit that mark, never mind hoping that they will go off in a big win. I’m holding on by a thread, praying the Fantasy Gods will continue to gift me victories because I just don’t contain the firepower to compete with the big boys at this moment. Saying I’m disgusted is beyond an understatement.
As for Alex, if he had any chance of vaulting himself back into playoff contention, this one seemed like one he had to get. Luckily for him, he did just enough to slip by my god fucking awful team, attaining his first dub on the season. I failed to deliver the crushing Tua-esque blow that would send his team’s chances right to the hospital to be put on life support. So, now the doctors are informing the family members that his chances are showing signs of life, as he is right back into the mix just like that in the early going of the season. While Alex breathes a giant sigh of relief and an invigorated sense of hope that his 2022 season is still alive and well, I sit scoffing in complete revulsion at my performance. A flip of the script I wasn’t prepared for but it’s the situation we find ourselves in. So… Yeah.
Jared fights back, shows amazing grit in sneaky back-to-back three points wins against Grant, Kyle
You don’t usually find me effusive with praise for the mangy grangy manager, Jared, but the staff can’t help but give a tip of the cap to the man who had the statistically worst team in the league through the first two weeks of the season. To be honest, it wasn’t even close. It wouldn’t have been crazy to say his start to the season was the grim foreshadowing of a manager destined to compete for maybe the shittiest team in the history of this league. I mean, at the very least it was in play. Like a fighter lying helplessly upon the canvas, dazed by the cocky young gun throwing him a vicious first round uppercut, Jared’s corner was ready to throw in the towel. Through the ringing in his ears, he could hear the ref start to count off. The agonizing pain of his throbbing head was becoming unbearable, and just as he was about to surrender consciousness to his shrinking peripherals, through his blurred vision he caught a glimpse of his wife and kids in the stands screaming through their tears for him to get up. Then, an inexplicable rush of strength overcame him, to everyone’s shock, and with the heart of a grizzled Fantasy Champion, he miraculously willed himself to rise from the ring floor and find his bearing. Just like that, as the crowd roared in excitement, he started furiously throwing punch after punch. First in Week 3, with a quick right hook and a duck to avoid Grant’s comeback attempt by Lil Ky and Cooper Kupp-o-coffee in the afternoon games. Then, Javonte nabbing 9 on Sunday Night was the quick jab that was just enough to slide by Grant by a an ever so close three points, to notch his first victory on the season. Even though it was an awful game, I’m sure Jared was glad to take the ugly win leading into his favorable matchup against Kyle in Week 4. Then, to top his 3-point win in Week 3, he went out and freaking did it again! The crowd now in complete delirium and the stadium shaking, Jared officially turned the tide on his 2022 season, with a quick one-two, rolling out the Goffster in lieu of the G.O.A.T, and an absolutely fucking deadly streamer hit with the Giants Defense (Both combined for 62). As the heroic Rocky music played, Jared racked up 158.7 points, and it was enough for yet another 3-point win. I can’t stress enough how crazy it is go back-to-back weeks claiming victories with a margin of 3 points or less. I honestly don’t know if it’s ever happened in league history, but Jared just accomplished the unthinkable. His gutsy fantasy roster maneuvering truly proved to be the work of a virtuoso, playing for something more than Fantasy, when he seemed to be all but toast. Now he finds himself right back in the fight, sitting at 2-2, going into the middle rounds of the heavy weight bout that is his Fantasy Season. We can’t wait to see what else this man has in store. You love to see it.
Awards:
Dominic Toretto Ballsiest Call – Kevin benching his 5th round pick, Kittle, plays Everett in Week 4
With our first Dom Toretto award of the young season, it goes to Big Kev and the giant hairy balls he had on display by continuing to ride his revitalized veteran waiver wire TE Everett over the highly drafted Kittle making his first appearance of the season. Now, either play would have resulted in the victory, so it was a bit a reach to hand out our first Dom Toretto award of the season. However, it is a rare feat to impress the staff so much with a ballsy call, due to the fact many of you rarely have the cojones to make decisions like this. Therefore, we can’t just deride the notion he wasn’t provided a little extra something-something by the Fantasy Gods for the swole pair between his legs he whipped out and showed the league by making this decision. It worked wonders as Everett bagged a handy 17.1 points while Kittle was a dud, not even getting 5 points in the big-time victory over Grant. This time… it ain’t just about being fast.
Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Worst Call – My bitch ass in what I am calling the “Mattison Debacle”
What is everyone’s favorite thing to do? Listen to someone rant about their own Fantasy Team? No? Welp, I’m doing it again, folks. For most of my career as a Fantasy Manager, I have prided myself in my unparalleled ability to manufacture wins through my relentless effort to outsmart you all. You don’t finish first in the standings three out of the last four seasons by chance. This all came to a head leading into Week 3, when I finally outsmarted myself. Going into the game, I fancied myself a little bit of the Gregory Dortchness, which did turn out to be a solid pick up in my win. However, it was what started a chain of events so awfully managed, Kyle was probably nodding in approval like a proud father. Instead of ditching my soon to be brain dead back QB Tua, I thought, “Dalvin is probably not going to get injured this game” and I chose to just keep my concussed QB and drop Mattison. Famous last words. Dalvin of course tore his shoulder (or some shit), and with only Rashad Penny on the bench, who hadn’t sniffed a decent game all season, it forced me to ensure I got Mattison back. So, I spent a completely absurd 70 bucks of FAAB to ensure I had Mattison for Week 4, since I felt it was imperative I had a half decent number two RB. Who did I give up for Mattison you ask? My only other RB on the roster, Rashad Penny. It only gets better from here. Tua got knocked the fuck out again, and Kevin shrewdly swooped up Penny right before game time to watch him bust out finally. Then, to top it all off with a giant steaming turd in the punch bowl… Dalvin freakin’ played!! I- I just can’t. So, to recap, I lost nearly half my FAAB money, I lost my only backup RB, and I was stuck with a QB (one that there was literally no reason to keep on my roster with Patty starting) who is going to be drooling into a cup talking about his bird named Ronnie in a few weeks, and all for literally no reason at all. None of it would have factored into the outcome of Week 4, but the ramifications of this horrendous decision making is going to last the entire season for me. Fuck me. Hey, you wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Game of the Week – KP beating Alex 174.45-169.4 in Week 3 and Jared Beating Kyle 158.7-155.55 in Week 4
Honorable mention: Yours truly taking down Tyler 141.8-141.1
Oh brother! This season we have seen some of the wildest Fantasy Battles we have ever had the privilege of witnessing. The last two weeks were no exception as a four games were separated by less than an infinitesimally small 5 points. I didn’t check the record books, but this has to be unprecedented. These games have been so mind-bendingly wild, many of us have been hanging on for dear life as we go head to head with the relentless Cat 5 Hurricane level winds of anxiety wrecking our Fantasy Composure worse than what Ian did to Florida last week. So, let’s call out the Fantasy National Guard and try to sift through the wreckage by recapping all the craziness game by game.
KP vs. Alex
Coming into the matchup of two winless teams, there really wasn’t a whole lot to expect in terms of point production from either of these miserable managers, who had both yet to top 140 points in the early going of the season. We couldn’t have been more wrong however, as both unexpectedly broke out for their best games of the season and were the two highest scoring teams of Week 3. KP got the scoring party started early, pregaming alone with Thursday Night gems from Amari and the Chubb (totaling 40.4 points). Alex, would respond with his Eagle stack of Hurts-so-good and Devonta I-can-score-now Smith getting him 67.9 points combined. KP refused to be outdone, however, once again firing out a 28 burger from Hollywood Brown and a nifty 15.3 points from his kicker, Sir Matthias Von Pratersworth IV. When the afternoon games were done, KP led by 42.75 points and Alex had just Cee Dee and the Niners D left to try and make up the difference. His comeback bid got spicier when the Niners conjured up 15 points, setting the stage for Cee Dee to be in range. When the Monday nighter kicked off, it didn’t start off well for Cee Dee only mustering 4 points in the first half. The chunk plays started coming, however, in the second half. 17 yard catch here. 15 yard catch there. Just like that KP was edging (and not in the good way) closer and closer to falling off his seat. 8 minutes left and then Alex finally struck, singing Mary Had a Little Cee Dee Lamb, as he was now just 5 points off from pulling off a Monday night comeback for the history books. All the excitement for The Commish would fizzle out though, as the Cowboys got the ball back twice more, not finding Lamb once in those possession. KP, by the hair of his poorly manicured goatee, hung on for his first win of the season in one of the best games of the young season.
Me vs. Tyler
When Week 3 came around, Tyler was sitting on top of the Power Rankings, and I knew it was going to be tough battle if I wanted to come out victorious. Little did I know what was about to transpire. Tyler, which the pundits have confirmed, received a glorious gift from the Fantasy Gods as Lamar Jackson become the first ever QB to score 49 plus points in back-to-back weeks. On the other end of the Lamar TD strikes was Marky Mark Andrews who netted him a massive 28.9 points. On my end, Patty was struggling against an average Colts D’ and Gabe Davis was either not getting the ball thrown to him, or he was dropping touchdown passes. As I watched my team in shock at how bad they were performing, Tyler quietly was doing even shittier. Five of his players scored less than 6 points, and it was seeming more and more like he might actually not be able to put me away after The Dortchness grabbed ball after ball from Lil Ky to put up a cool 17 points in the afternoon games. Was Tyler honestly about to spoil a historic Fantasy Performance by his star QB? Well, in the Sunday Night game, his defense exploded for 20 points and my kicker could only collect a miniscule 5.5 points. Thus, I trailed by just a shade over 22 points going into Monday Night. It seemed over as I turned off my phone and slept that Monday night fully expecting I was taking home the tough L. When I awoke, I did a triple take in disbelief that Lord Saquod squirted out 22.6 points, giving me just enough to inch by the previously top rated team in the league. Since it was an actually pretty bad game, I couldn’t justify giving it the Game of the Week, but it was Fantasy Miracle, nonetheless. I want to know the percentage of millions of Fantasy Players who started Lamar Week 3 and actually lost. It’s got to be like .0001 percent right? Tough break, Tyler.
Jared vs. Kyle
To finish off the best games from the last two weeks, we had a ridiculous Week 4 clash between Kyle and Jared where one or both managers might still be in recovery from the Fantasy-Induced seizures brought about by the severe action-packed drama this one included for us (But what’s new?). After both teams finally snatched victories in Week 3, Kyle and Jared were both setting their sights on getting back into the thick of the playoff jostling as we made the turn into the meat of the season. Jared struck first with huge games from all parties involved in the Texans Chargers game. Ekeler threw up 34.9 points and Dameon Pierce wasn’t far off with his red hot 25.9 points. On top of that, Jared Goff put up an astounding 45 points for one of the best QB outings of the young Fantasy Season. It all seemed like it might be too much to overcome for Kyle, as A-Aron, who still hadn’t shaken the disorienting effects of his Ayahuasca infused offseason training plan, barely cleared 20 points. When Sunday night came-a-callin’, Kyle found himself in a 54-point hole, and it was up to the Chief stack the staff has been heavily slandering all season to bring Kyle back from depths of defeat. And, wouldn’t you know it, they actually came through in a big way. His Chief threesome ripped off 56.2 points as he rode the lightning of those sweet, sweet Patty dimes, roaring all the way from behind to overtake Jared going into the Monday Night showdown. With one starter left a piece, Jared’s kicker and Kyle’s defense, we all knew this one was going to come down to the wire. A double-double with cheese was also a distinct possibility (although it didn’t deliver) and it was anyone’s guess how it would turn out. When the dust settled, the final stats showed Matty Gay split the uprights three times, while the Rams D couldn’t slow down the “vaunted” Jimmy G, and it was good enough for his second consecutive three-point win by Jared. Who would of thunk it!? Effin’ A, Cotton! Effin’ A.
Power Rankings:
The Favorite:
1. Kshak 4-0; Power Score: 8.55
As mentioned before, no surprise Big Kev takes over as number one in the power rankings, finding himself here for the first time since… ever (I’m pretty sure). Leading the league with a 25-11 League Record, he has been clear and away the best team… And that’s all I have left to say about that.
The Contenders:
2. KenUdigit 2-2; Power Score: 7.2
3. Daniel West 3-1; Power Score: 7.0
Retaining the number two slot, Grant, surprisingly stays put even after losing the last two weeks. Tied with Tyler with a 21-15 League Record for 3rd in the league, combined with being the highest scoring team in the league to this point (629.65) has proven that his 2-2 record isn’t necessarily indicative of his performance thus far. As for Daniel, he moves up one spot to number three, and with a 3-1 record he is still sitting in prime position for his repeat attempt. He hasn’t necessarily been extremely noteworthy to date, but very, very good, just chugging right along with 4th most points in the league (615.7) and the 2nd best League Record (22-14). Erin Andrews talked to Coach Dan earliest this week and is reporting that when asked how his team was doing, he stated, “Fine.” The staff has to say they agree.
The Enigma:
4. jressa 3-1; Power Score: 7.0
I’m out of energy complaining about my team. Oh… Keenan Allen’s not playing? Great.
The Work Still Left To Do’s:
5. tborgs 2-2; Power Score: 6.95
6. Cholgerson34 1-3; Power Score: 5.5
For both Tyler and Carl, for all the good things we can point out about there team, there are definitely huge concerns for both managers. Tyler is the 3rd highest scoring team (623.25) in the league and owns the 3rd best League Record (21-15). However, he is sitting at 2-2 after wasting away one of Lamar’s colossal 50 point (*basically*) games, and now he slips down into the number five hole. Carl, has been bad, there’s no sugar coating that fact. But we have to point out, there is reason for optimism as we head into the main part of the season. He has left an ungodly low 38 points on the board through the first four games of 2022. This is by far the best mark for anyone in the league, and just a touch under 10 points per game. To put this in perspective, the next closest team is me at 53.6 points, with the rest of the league above 60 points left on the bench. On top of that over half the league has DOUBLE what Carl has in terms of lost points. So, even amid a furious wrath by the staff, Carl has quietly delivered one of the more historic four week runs in league history in playing their most optimal lineup. It is actually quite impressive. You couple that with his 3rd most Points Against (626.1), and we might have on our hands a late bloomer ready to erupt in the coming weeks. Orrrrr… We don’t. You know, he just could be bad too.
The Bottom Feeders:
7. BigPapaPump92 1-3; Power Score: 4.95
8. AlexAshak 1-3; Power Score: 4.2
The good news for both these teams? Both of them claimed victories in Weeks 3 and 4 respectively and will enter the second quarter of the season carrying at least one victory to their name. The bad news? They both have been pretty consistently bad. Each of them has had one week where they broke out, ironically playing each other as we detailed earlier, and then haven’t broke 140 points. By the grace of the Fantasy Gods, Alex stole a dub in one of those less than 140 point games, but they are both a combined 1-6 in such games. Unless there is hope that one or both can wake up and start stringing together weeks of solid Fantasy Output, we aren’t going to go out on a limb and say they are a viable championship contenders this year. But you know what? What the hell do I know?
The Dark Horse (?)
9. Jweverstad 2-2; Power Score: 4.15
Saddled by his abhorrently wretched start to the 2022 season through two weeks, even with back to back victories, Jared fails to make any movement in the Power Rankings. That being said, now that he scored the equalizer last week to level his record at two games a piece, Jared would probably argue he is right where he wants to be. All that matters is making the playoffs. As I have evidenced over and over, being first in the league doesn’t mean shit when the playoffs roll around. So, let’s keep our eye on the man with nothing left to lose. The most dangerous animal is the one backed into a corner. Don’t say I didn’t warn you guys.
Shittiest Team
10. Kartier Kyle 1-3; Power Score: 3.9
Aaaand here he is, safely in the cellar, our pal, Kyle, folks. While firmly attached to the ass end of the human centi-league, let’s all send our thoughts and prayers in the hopes that Jared and Kevin didn’t get the extra scoop of hot salsa and corn with their Burrito Bowl at Chipotle. Oh, they did? Tell your team to just let it slide down the back of their throat then. It’s the easiest way for it to go down.
Okay, Gentlemen, that will be it for this edition, and we thank you all for joining this time. Due to the many humans rights violations regarding indentured servitude with my staff that a “court” convicted me of, I unfortunately do have to give some of them time off. Apparently work life balance is a thing. So, with that, I might be doing write ups once every other week. But, we will make efforts to go back to our weekly rotation. Hopefully it all works out. For now, we wish you all a good luck and may the Fantasy Gods be in your favor. Remember to keep rockin’ those Taylor Swift tunes. Toodle-loo Motherfuckers!
