Weeks 5 and 6

 Passionate Playback:

Why hello there friends! Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you there. Shhhh… Don’t be scared, little fella. I come in peace. Who am I, you ask? I am the one they refer to as the Maestro of Metaphor, the one and only Authority on Allegory, the Connoisseur of Criticism, and the finest hot take chef this side of the Mississippi. So, you mustn’t be alarmed. Like a Fantasy Messiah, I have come forth from the great beyond to christen your lost Fantasy Souls with a very special write up this week. As I spew out this holy sacrament of Fantasy Insights so divinely powerful they will wash away your sins of Fantasy Past, just close your eyes in deep prayer, and let my baptismal golden shower of Headlines, Awards, and Power Rankings rain down upon your sweet, gentle faces. Now, doesn’t that feel better? Well, I certainly hope so, because we’ve just about hit the halfway point of the season, and many of you find yourself in a vicious cock fight to snag one of the last few remaining playoff spots. Astoundingly, there really is no team out of the race, with Carl and Kyle both just one game out. At the top of the standings, we too have an intense battle going on to try and capture one of those coveted byes, as me and Daniel are tied for second, ahead of Tyler by just a single game. It’s all so exciting, and the action has been nothing short of agoraphobia inducing with close games, big time upsets, and massive choke jobs week in and week out. This is why we play the game of Fantasy, gents. So, let’s ramp up that shit talking, even if your team has you more nervous than a young girl from West Reading, Pennsylvania taking the stage for the first time at her school’s talent show. As the lights dim and the spotlight beamed down illuminating her dainty figure, little did she know it was the start of her journey to become a world changing multi-platinum hit artist. The rest of the season is just that for one of us, the start of something so special it will live on forever in the history books of our league and one of our names etched gloriously upon the belt. So, just like T Sizzle did, as she looked out upon the crowd, mic in hand, and shaking from the nerves, just take a deep breath and let everyone know this next one goes out to all the haters. Carl, this one’s for you…Now, hit it T Siz!

♬♭♫♪♩♬

I wish I could fly
I fucked you up, and I just hope you cry
I'd write this in the sky:
I beat you like it was a vicious street fight

And so it goes
Every weekend the same story
I never get respect
And I don't get shit talk started

My friends all say they know
Every game I'm going to lose
I drive down different roads
But they all lead to beating you

'Cause they don't know that the shit talk’s a death knell
They weren't playing for the win when their team fell
Didn't read the gif on the league chat picture
They didn’t know how bad I’d beat you

I wish I could fly
I fucked you up, and I just hope you cry
I'd write this in the sky:
I beat you like it was a vicious street fight

And so it was
You never saw it coming
Not trying to fall behind
But you did with Saquon’s running

Back then, you didn't know
You were built to fall apart
You broke the status quo
Then you choked away, great start

I won’t forget about the night out in LA
Mike and Sutton, chasin’ points through the whole game
No one knows he can’t outscore my stupid kicker
No one knows how bad I’d beat you

I wish I could fly
I fucked you up, and I just hope you cry
I'd write this in the sky:
I beat you like it was a vicious street fight

Headlines:

Big Kev is still streaking; knocks off Jared to take record to 6-0

Wouldn’t you know it, six weeks are down, and Kevin continues to rack up those wins. Even with up and down performances throughout the first half of the 2022 campaign, his record remains unblemished and I for one have to continue the praise the big fella. Yet, we still can’t look past the fact that over the last two weeks, his performance has dropped substantially, only averaging 129.92 points, but they were both good enough to escape with dubs over Kyle and Jared respectively. Now he goes into Week 7 to start the second half of the season with our leagues most anticipated matchup of the season so far against yours truly. With a combined record of 11-1 between the two teams, this could be a preview of a title matchup, that will have massive implications on seeding for two teams both dead set on securing the ever important bye in the first round of the playoffs. Minus Kevin’s win against Daniel in Week 3, the total record of the rest of his opponents this season is an abysmal 9-21. Thus, this is a golden chance to make yet another statement to the league that he is in it for the long haul this year. It should be noted both of us will be without many of our star players, diminishing the result a bit, but nevertheless one the whole league will have their eyes on come this weekend. I can’t wait. I’m ready to dance, big guy, I hope you are too.

Two more “super quads” were registered this season, with me notching one in Week 5 and KP in Week 6

I have noted the rarity multiple times of achieving the statistical dominance that is the ever elusive “Super Quad” in a single week, so much so that going into this season we’ve only see it happen three total times in league history. Welp, we just had our second and third ones of the season take place, with me doing it for the second time this year, and KP nabbing it for the first time in his career playing in our league. With my league best 179 points scored in the Week 5 victory over Grant, I just barely missed out on playing the perfect lineup, leaving .3 points on the bench, which easily made me the most efficient manager that week as well. Grant could barely muster 112.2 points, giving me the biggest blowout of the week, and my projected 147.72 points was increased by 21%, making me the biggest over achiever. A few things had to line up perfect, as 179 points isn’t necessarily an otherworldly output in a given week, but nonetheless it was good for my 3rd “Super Quad” in my career and making me the owner of three of the five that have ever occurred in league history. Pretty special if you ask me. Now if I can only get one of those sweet belts. That would be cool.

Looking at KP in Week 6, his “Super Quad” came probably from one of the least likely teams to ever accomplish this feat. I can’t stress enough, the chances of KP pulling this off was probably on the same level of a Nathan Peterman getting signed and then promptly throwing for 400 yards and 5 TDs in a blowout win over the Bills on the road. No chance… You’d think. Yet, KP shocked us all accumulating an impressive league best 166.8 points, blowing out Grant’s horrid team which barely put up 109.3 points. On top of this, he barely missed out on a perfect lineup, leaving a miniscule 1.8 points on the bench. Further, with a projected output last week of 138.68 points, KP increased his score over projection by 20.2% to make him the highest over achiever of the week as well. So there you have it, Grant has now allowed back-to-back opponents to have the highest scoring output of the week, have the biggest blowout, outscore their projection by the most, and play the most efficient lineup. The ole’ “Super Quad”. You love to see it… Unless, apparently, your name is Grant. In that case it probably means bad news for you.

Awards:

Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne Dumbest Call of the Week – Carl for back-to-back terrible QB decisions in Week 5 and 6

Since Carl’s Russel Wilson disaster of a draft pick, he has been desperately trying to figure out a stable QB option for his lineup, and boy has some of his choices been God awful. In Week 6, he went with the journeyman Fantasy paraiah, Geno Smith, who admittedly did put up some numbers in the early going of the season. You can at least say it was slightly defensible, but ultimately it bit him square on the dick hole, with Geno only getting a terrible 14.65 from the QB position. Considering he only lost by roughly 15 points, a good game of around 30 points would have been enough to beat me. There were 3 QB free agents who did this last week (Matty Ice, the Flyin’ Hawaiin, and T Law). Tough break. Just way too cheeky of a play for it to not be criticized. But, his Week 6 decision couldn’t compare to what he did in Week 5 when he tried to pull off maybe the ballsiest play in league history. In a 10-team league, that has no super flex or 2 starting QBs, Carl had the audacity to let the Cougar Hunter, the Mother Lover himself, Mr. Zachariah Wilson start That was not a typo. Zack fucking Wilson has now started a game in our league, desecrating the sanctity of our competitive integrity. I am absolutely baffled. I get it, if he went off, it would have maybe been the best call in league history, but did we honestly expect anything different? Wilson put up a paltry 16.7 points, leading to a massive beat down for Carl at the hands of Daniel-San and his far superior team. The QB position was not the problem for Carl in that game, but the Fantasy Gods made sure he would get shit on with just a reckless Fantasy Play like that. I could honestly shrug it off and laugh if this was Kyle, but for Carl to do this? You sir had me in disbelief with decision making like that. We are now all dumber for having to see Zach Wilson in a starting line up in our league. I am glad you were not awarded a victory, and may the Fantasy Gods have mercy on your soul. You can’t triple stamp a double stamp! You can’t triple stamp a double stamp!

Dom Toretto Ballsiest Call of the Week – Tyler overspends for Kenny Walker, scores 19 in win over Alex

This one was a tough one to judge. Tyler sent shockwaves through the league, dropping a whopping 185 FAAB dollars, far and away the most on a single waiver acquisition the league has ever seen, on… Kenneth Walker. This is the type of money you spend if somehow a superstar player was on the waivers, but a second-round rookie RB who has really yet to see the field much? League winning type of players have come from more unexpected places, but the opportunity cost Tyler has lost out on means that Mr. Walker ostensibly has to become exactly that for him for this to workout. Nevertheless, his prized RB pickup turned around and delivered in his first chance, netting Tyler a cool 19 points to take down Alex in a game that he won by less than four points. So, it was obviously a great addition to his team, paying off in a win the first week Tyler played him. Still, to spend over 90% of your yearly budget on one player, can’t be a smart decision… right? Thus, I couldn’t give him smartest call of the week. But goddamn, it for sure can be seen as ballsy to pay that kind of money. So, since he snagged the dub in his first chance after the ungodly pricey waiver addition, he gets the Dom Toretto award. This is going to be a fascinating case study going forward on how we might all try to strategize our FAAB spending decision in future seasons. Is waiting to go all in on one player you feel great about at around the midseason mark actually the smartest thing to do? Or is saving that budget up for late season adds most ideal? I don’t know anymore, but it’s at least going to be fun and/or hilarious to watch if Kenny Boy ends up busting. For now though, Tyler gets to gloat to the league that he has the biggest balls to date. You know this ain’t no 10 second race.

Power Rankings:

1. Jressa 5-1; Power Score: 8.85

Look who it is, folks. Unseating Big Kev in the third edition of the Power Rankings this season is yours truly, taking home the top spot, and goddamnit does it feel good. After being the worst team in the league in my lone loss of the season in Week 4, I had my doubts. But I bounced right back on the shoulders of Gabe Davis’ spectacular start to the Week 5 games, and I haven’t looked back. Over the last two weeks I have taken home a “Super Quad” one week and been the second highest scoring team in the other. With a 17-1 League Record over that span, it has propelled me all the way up to tied for first in that category (34-20 on the season) and now have the most Points For in the entire league (911.6). Lastly, normally one of my weak spots, my penchant for playing optimal rosters has been unmatched in the league this season, only leaving a grand total of 58.5 points on my bench through the first six games. For perspective, eight other managers have left more than 90 points, and five of those over 110 points. Fantasy Managing at it’s finest and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. I’m riding high, and ready for an epic Week 7 showdown with the last remaining undefeated team. I’m going to look Kev dead in the eye and yell, “Let’s get it on!”

2. Kshak 6-0; Power Score: 8.5

Slipping down one spot to the second slot of the Power Rankings is our pal, Big Kev, still clutching his untarnished 6-0 record through the midway point of the season. Now, even though he has admittedly yet to lose, two mediocre wins over the last couple weeks have left a lot to be desired in the stats department, causing his mini slide to the number two. Still, he sits tied atop the league with a sterling 34-20 League Record, 3rd in the league in Coach Performance, with 93.4 points left on his bench, and 4th in Points For at 884.6. Fine numbers indeed, but not typical from an undefeated team, so there is still work to do for Kevin to reaffirm the Staff’s trust in declaring him the clear favorite as we did a few weeks ago. There isn’t a better opportunity than this upcoming week, with the heavy weight bout between him and I that will more than likely weigh heavily on determining how the top of the standings shake out. There's no denying his team is hotter than a two-dollar pistol, but I have a feeling this matchup is going to be a good one, gentlemen. Will Big Kev make another statement to the league that he is the definitively the best we have to offer, or will the clock strike midnight on this Cinderella story? T Swift’s new album, “Midnight”, drops next week… So, you tell me.

3. Daniel West 5-1; Power Score: 7.5

There is that man again, Daniel and his Teflon-esque roster, with any and every bad break just sliding right off him. The reigning champion, showing up at number three, just keeps his unreal regular season domination over the last few years just rolling right along, now moving to 5-1 at the midpoint of 2022. Tied for the best League Record at 34-20, and carrying the second most Points For (909.3), Dan the Man is the epitome of what it means to be a Fantasy Machine. He doesn’t seem unbeatable, but week after week, he keeps accumulating wins at a record pace, much to the chagrin of the rest of league. Someone has to stop him at some point. Can it be done? The Fantasy Fox and the hands down number one choice in an all reporter wet T-Shirt contest, Erin Andrews, was asked this very question earlier this week. Erin, what you say?

“Maybe.”

Boom! There you have it gentlemen. The Goddess of Hotness has spoken. Until next time, that was Erin Andrews bringing the one and only insider info that only she can give on Daniel-San’s team.

4. Tborgs4 4-2; Power Score: 6.3

Coming in number four, we have Tyler, and his now depleted wallet of FAAB dollars. We noted it earlier, but he is going to be one of the most fascinating teams to watch going forward, due to his (to enormously understate it) unique strat for managing that FAAB. Additionally, at 4-2, he is beginning to make some noise so much so that you might even think his team is rounding out into a competent contender. If we dig a little deeper though, with how he has only gone 2-2 over the last four weeks, while steadily declining each week with points since his 191.9-point Week 2, the staff has some concerns. Over that span, Tyler has managed to only average 132.13 points per game, and not top 142 points in any one of those contests. Is this someone we should be concerned about? A solid 30-24 League Record to date says, probably yes. However, his 4th least amount of Points Against (811.8) signals to the questioning of the aforementioned notion. You know what we can’t question though? If Tyler will play in close games. I do get the vast majority of the league’s game have been tighter than a dick’s hatband, but our main man, who mysteriously has an uncanny proclivity for playing in close games, has once again participated in three games decided by 10 or less this season. That includes his loss to me by fewer than a single point. How do you do it man!?

5. Cholgerson34 1-5; Power Score: 5.45

Slotting into the number five hole is Mr. Carl. We will start by addressing the elephant in the room. Yes, he is 1-5 and somehow all the way up in the middle of the Power Rankings despite his piss poor record. His statistics clearly don’t describe a team that just lost five of the last six games. He has an above .500 League Record (28-26) that’s good for 5th in the league, and the second-best Coach Performance, leaving only 64.2 points on his bench so far this year. But, we all know his uncalled for outburst against yours truly on the message boards and abhorrent waiver additions at QB were the Fantasy equivalent to the rantings of a raving lunatic hobo standing outside Circle K at three in the morning. Thus there is not one iota of a chance we can trust this team going forward in even the slightest bit.  His actions are clearly bright flashing neon signs that the team doctors need to evaluate this man for Fantasy CTE, and in a hurry. Brutha, you need to get some help! And let this be a lesson to the rest of the league. RESPECT THE J’S OR EXPECT DELAYS! Don’t end up like Carl.

6. KenUdigit 2-4; Power Score: 5.2

As we move down into the number six spot, we land at Grant’s sad sack of a team, desperately trying to hang on to a playoff spot. Amidst a four-game skid, his white-hot start to the season is looking more and more like a premature ejaculation of point production, as his jizz drenched shorts have been drier than a nuns nasty, four consecutive weeks running. On top of this, he has been brutalized by the long dick of Fantasy Explosions by many of the team’s across the league, putting up some of our best numbers against Grant. Nothing has evidenced this more than the back-to-back “Super Quads” he has succumbed to the last few weeks. Since Week 2, It’s been a never-ending onslaught for Grant, trying to recover each week, only to turn around and take another schlong to the face like a brand new Porn Star trying to make a name for herself by being fucked silly in an epic gang bang of 20 dudes. The 968.2 Points Against, is second most in the league, and it’s not looking like it's going to let up any time soon. If he can shake off the fact he has become the league’s fuck doll, there is still time for him to revive his hopes of a 2022 run. Bad news is his time is running out though. Good news is his team’s prospects for making it in the adult film industry is on the up and up. Not a bad consolation.

7. BigPapaPump92 2-4; Power Score: 5.15

Moving down into the number seven position of the rankings, we find KP, coming off one of the most unexpected breakthroughs in his victory over Grant in Week 6. When we get this low down in the rankings, there really isn’t much we stats wise we can point to as a reason for optimism. He’s 6th in League Record (27-27), 6th in Points For (855), and 5th in Points Against (873.8). All of it uninspiring to say little to the fact he has an accompanying 2-4 record to go with it. Still, after last week, maybe he found a way to get through to his team for their less-than-ideal outputs over the first half of the season. Was it a good pep talk? Did he slip of little of that pure cut, Colombian Bam Bam into his player’s Gatorade bottles last week? I guess we will never know. Whatever he did, if he keeps it up for the foreseeable future, he has a chance to become a playoff darling. Does the staff have any hope it’s actually going to happen. That would be a definitive no. We are fully expecting him to crash back to Earth faster than Lion Air Flight 610. It’s KP guys, it’s what he does.

8. AlexAshak 2-4; Power Score: 4.9

Moving along the rankings, we discover The Commish hiding away like a frightened little kitten stumbling into the number eight slot. The once proud manager has had the season from hell through half of his 2022 campaign, and it continues to get worse by the week. Straddled by his 3rd worst 842.3 Points For, and 4th worst 26-28 League Record, he continues to be unable to get much of anything going. Luckily for him, there is still time to maneuver his way into the playoff bubble by way of our league’s conglomerate of terrible teams dwindling away much like him. Still, around every corner of a seemingly big time win, is the dreaded Fantasy Mistress, Madame Inconsistency, popping out from the Fantasy back alley ways to deliver a savage round house kick to his team’s marble sack. It happens to the best of them, and it’s about time he gets a taste of a shitty season. The staff hasn’t counted him out yet, but a playoff less finish for The Commish is becoming more of a reality by the week.

9. Jweverstad 2-4; Power Score: 4.2

Remaining all the way down at number nine is our mangy grangy friend, Jared, once more unable to pull himself out of a spot near the bottom of the rankings. We mentioned Grant as being the league’s main whipping boy, but on a more consistent basis, it has been Jared who has faced the biggest uphill battle in terms of Points Against. With a whopping 973.5 points scored on him through 6 games, he has been the most scored upon team in the league. On average, opponents are putting up 162.25 points per game on the embattled manager, and it’s just been too much for Jared to overcome. Now, don’t get this confused for making excuses for him. He has yet to break 800 total points this season, coming in second to last with 794.55 Points For, and he is second to last in Coach Performance, leaving an undeniably appalling 141.7 points on his bench this year. Those back to back wins in Weeks 3 and 4 are beginning to feel like a millennium ago, and any good will left he had with the staff was destroyed by following up those gutsy performances with terrible losses in Weeks 5 and 6. The writing might be on the wall for Jared. The good news is you have a front row ticket to the end of your team. It’s time to embrace the horror!

10. Kartier Kyle 1-5; Power Score: 2.95

Do I have to write about Kyle? (*Winy voice*) ‘Cause I don’t wanna… He is clearly the front runner for shittiest team this season, and is yet again redefining what it means to display a level of ineptitude so horrifically bad, he makes a trademark dumb as fuck M. Night Shyamalan twist look like cinematic genius. You know what, we aren’t going to lay it on any further though. God knows we want to, but we are going to be positive this week and hope he can turn it around. Like they do at the end of a blowout game for the equipment manager that has a severe case of downs syndrome on high school football teams, let’s all pretend like we are trying to tackle him and let him score a few wins. No? You guys don’t want to? Well, at least I tried. I think giving back to the less Fantasy Privileged will warm our hearts and make us feel good. You know what they say, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Oh well. I think I had one more thing, but I forgot. I can’t quite seem to remember what it was. It’s on the tip of my ton- Oh, wait. I remember! It’s… It’s…. AN INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH!!!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the League. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other league mates won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as Fantasy Winners do. It's not just in some of us; It's in everyone who plays this game. And as we let our own team shine, we unconsciously give other managers permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other league mates...

Kyle, I just want to say thank you. You saved my team.”


Well okay then, that is going to be it for us this week, folks. As we like to point out from time to time for those of you scoring at home, we came just one word shy of hitting 4,500 this week. Not too shabby. The staff would like to extend a huge thank you for reading with us this far on another fine edition of the Passionate Playback, and we look forward to another splendid week of Fantasy Action this weekend. We wish a good luck to you all, until we meet again, sayonara suckers!!