2026 Passionate Playback: Weeks 1-4
Intro:
1,091 Days. Almost three years to the day. That was the last time yours truly laid finger to keyboard in the pursuit of bringing y’all, my once-beloved Swifties, that special one-of-a-kind brand of intrepid reporting on the comings and goings of the greatest fantasy league ever created. Long have been the days where I captivated an entire league with my unimpeachable, Pulitzer-caliber journalistic skills in the form of unique insights, in-depth analysis, and of course the boiling lava hot takes each and everyone of you came to know and love. 7 October 2023. I shit you not, that was literally the last day that I posted a write-up. For those of you that are current on world events, that date mainly carries a tad bit of weight in its ramifications on geopolitical landscape. Nevertheless, more importantly to us, it also marks the day our league took its first steps entering into an era of darkness, whether we want to admit or not.
Sometimes these things aren’t so obvious. The painful sack tap of truth, straight to our dangling and bare gonads, is that once I hung up the trusty Dell, a lingering, unfilled void started growing deep within the shadowy recesses of our league. As seasons have come and gone, the deafening silence of my absence precipitated an irrevocable schism in the spiritual bedrock of what we’ve long considered the gold standard of fantasy, while I nervously told myself, “Hey, it’s not so bad.” That void continued to grow like an untreated tumor, casting its shadow over us, unassuming like, until it fully metastasized, engulfing our league and completely tearing apart the fabric of our very ethos: the most noble quest of man is to engage in battle on the virtual gridiron in search of humiliating our closest friends. Yet, the heartbeat that drove this prevailing sentiment throughout the league has faded; where my intellectual insights and hard-hitting analysis once existed, there now lives only a cesspool of ineptitude and poorly thought-out takes periodically posted to the league’s chat. Where witty grenades of shit-talk and whimsical call-outs on the message boards were so effortlessly flung around like a toupee in a tornado, now lies a barren wasteland of waiver updates.
You don’t think I’ve pondered my role in all this? You don’t think I’ve lain wide awake upon my bed, many a rainy night, naked and sweaty staring aimlessly into my rickety ceiling fan as it spins away endlessly for hours, luring me into a deep trance of listlessness? I know my role in this. I know that the antidote to all our problems only comes in the form of me finally having the courage to take my long, rock hard shaft of Fantasy Truth, graciously whipping it out, and ejecting those classic Fantasy Information loads in a glorious form of another Passionate Playback for my eagerly awaiting league mates to guzzle down like an extra frothy vanilla milkshake on a sweltering Arizona afternoon. It has been and always will be the secret sauce, the lifeblood that consecrates our brotherhood of Fantasy Warriors, and the quintessential foundation upon which our league stands. Trust me… I realize all of this.
Through this all what did I miss? Kev, Grant, and Tyler all etched their names on the belt. Nothing more than crickets came from the Maestro of Metaphor, the Savant of Similes, the Apotheosis of Alliteration… not even a peep. How did I let this happen? I tried. I promise you that I tried. The 347 drunken voicemail messages I left for my staff members (living inside my head) while tears of shame and disgust rolled down my face, all went unanswered. What was I supposed to do? I successfully thwarted their unionization efforts (and rightly so), but now I was left alone… and honestly afraid. As the weeks, the months, and even the years swiftly flew right out on by me faster than a 1960s newsroom sexual harassment complaint would find the shredder, the debilitating case of writer's block only continued to plague my now weak and feeble mind. Like a sick joke from the Fantasy Gods, the only thing that fared worse than my ability to confidently muse and proselytize on the deeper insights and analysis of our league were my actual fantasy teams. A punishment befitting a dereliction of duty so egregious, it momentarily made Kyle’s historically repugnant roster management decisions look like a masterclass in Fantasy Competence. It is all to say I had accepted my fate. I was done.
Yet, just when all hope was lost, I found something deep within the darkest chambers of my innermost psyche. I had long assumed this space was a cognitive black hole where no light could ever escape. A gross, subterranean cavern inhabited entirely by feral scavengers, grotesque beasts, and the black mold growing on the decaying bones of my happiness, emanating a gruesome stench that can only be described as akin to Big Kev’s unwashed assless chaps. But alas, buried beneath that primordial filth, the tiniest of flames still flickered ever so faintly, hanging on with the stubborn resilience of the little engine that could. Discovered by chance one fateful evening, while doing a little light heirloom leech breeding (a typical Wednesday for me) the ping of the phone startled me, so I looked away from tending my colony and I was so taken back at what I saw, that I sat gazing upon the Sleeper notification in disbelief for hours. It read “Passionate Playback.” Alex had replaced me with artificial intelligence. I thought to myself, “What has happened?” The role I once cherished and adorned with class and a true sense of purpose had now been reduced to the calculations of a lifeless machine using a few ones and zeros. That’s all I am? Easily replaced by a fucking fake version of me? Nah, motherfuckers, this shit ain’t actually happening. All of a sudden, that faint little flicker quickly turned into a raging and uncontrollable forest fire of pure unadulterated fury, fueled by an ancient power source I thought I had lost access to eons ago. Inevitably, you understand that I was left with no choice but to finally make my triumphant return.
So guess who’s back? It’s time to strap the fuck in, bitches. This one’s three years in the making, and I think you know exactly what you need to do. You’ve had your trigger finger ready to smash that play button on the T-Sizzle playlist for a while now, and I’m here to tell you it's finally go time. Pop a few 9-milli Zyn daddies into the top shelf, spark up your favorite strain of purps, set those new over-the-ear Boses to full blast, sit back, put your feet up, and let’s finally wash away our fantasy sins at the altar of our main girl, letting the holy gospel of her angelic vocals cleanse our fantasy souls to be born again into righteous purity. WE. ARE. BACK. Damn, it feels good, baby! It is time to fulfill the prophecy as we head into Week 5. Let’s get it!
♪♫♬♩♫
Draft on the throttle,
Thought I grabbed lightning in a bottle,
Oh, but they bust again.
And it was written,
By the Fantasy Gods I'm smitten,
Oh, is this punishment?
Pacing 'round when I get home,
Guess a lesser manager would lose hope,
Greater managers wouldn't beg,
But I looked to the sky and said...
Pleee-ease,
I've been on my knees,
Change the prophecy.
Don't want money,
Just a belt to seal my legacy.
Let it once be me!
Who do I have to speak to,
About if they can redo, the Prophecy?
And I sound like an infant,
Praying for the garbage time points of a tight end.
A greater manager stays cool, But I stare at the app like a fool.
And I look unstable,
Gathered 'round the waiver wire scraps at my table.
A greater owner has faith,
But even champions crumble if they're made to wait
I'm so afraid I sealed my fate,
No sign of first place,
I'm just a basket case,
In shades of greige,
Spending my last FAAB because Matt Berry tells me it will be okay.
♪♫♬♩♫
Headlines:
This season has been jam-packed with excitement and action on the virtual gridiron, but in the interest of time, we will quickly run through some major storylines, and then do deeper dives into the major headlines in later Passionate Playbacks.
Big Kev Jumps Out as Early Favorite
Kevin has clearly distanced himself as far and away the favorite through the quarter-mark of the season, and it hasn’t been particularly close. However, as we have learned from so many other seasons, the quarter-mark favorite almost never takes home the belt. So, this is probably good news, now that I think of it.
Grant and I Rock the League with Massive Blockbuster Deal; Swap JSN and Derrick Henry
In a stunning late-night move prior to the Week 5 slate, yours truly and Grant initiated a trade that included first-round pick JSN, the top overall scoring fantasy player, and two stud RBs: my second-round pick Derrick Henry and flex extraordinaire Chuba “Hubba Whubba” Hubbard. The implications for both Grant and me are massive, as we both try to climb out of 1-3 holes. This trade could either lock in our fates as bottom-dwellers or be the catalyst for a second-half comeback. Only time shall tell.
Jared’s Replacement and Rookie Manager, Justin, Off to a 2-2 Start
A close eye will be kept on the newest member of the league as he ventures into the uncharted waters known as the Emotional Friends FFL. It will be interesting to see how he fares, especially with his eclectic and outspoken style of managing (which will be discussed later). Will beginner’s luck be a thing? Grant won the league in his first official season (he ghost-managed for Jared in 2019), and if we go way, way back, DW won the league in his inaugural campaign. So who knows.
Awards:
Pepper Brooks and Cotton McKnight Best Game Award – Kshak (2-1) defeats jressa (1-2) 172.30 to 170.85 in Week 3
Coming into this Week 3 clash, Kev and I were both primed to showcase that we had teams worthy of competing for the belt this season. On top of this, it was a rivalry showdown for yours truly. From the get-go, this one had "instant classic" written all over it, and I have to say, it didn’t disappoint. Right out the gates, Kev landed two haymaker blows: Bijan “Mustard” Robinson racked up nearly 200 yards and two TD scampers, while Christian “Dr. Watts” Watson also went for a hundo and a tug on Thursday night, giving Kevin a huge 60-point lead going into Sunday. It didn’t stop there for Kevin, as Burrow captured a big 31 points in the morning games and Rashee nabbed a respectable 15.
All in all, up to that point, it had been a bloodbath. As the afternoon finally rolled around, it was finally time for my team to get going, and get going we did. My Dynamic Brocks combined for nearly 70 points, while D-Henry and CMC—my two RB stallions—each collected a cool 20 points a pop, vaulting me up to 170 points and comfortably in the lead going into the Sunday night game. By the first quarter, it seemed like Kev would race right by me as Kyren racked up a quick 13 points, and his Rams D/ST was seemingly going to shut down the Broncos. Kev was within a single point. But then, there we were, white-knuckling the entire second half as Kyren came to a screeching halt and the Broncos started slowly nickel-and-diming the Rams D.
Our matchup remained within one point until 48 seconds left in the game, when the Broncos scored to take 3 points off Kev’s score and give me the 4-point cushion I needed to win. The Rams were going to have to pass it downfield on the final drive if they wanted to come back. Why would Kyren get the ball? Welp, that’s exactly what happened, folks. Two 20-yard checkdowns later, Kev ripped the victory from right under my nose like an unwanted mustache. You hate to see it. I don’t know how they play in diapers, Cotton, I never could!
Harry Dunne and Lloyd Christmas Worst Call Award – Tyler starting Dontayvion Wicks, costing him the victory against KP in Week 4
In an absolutely dumbfounding move, Tyler decided to get cute and play his waiver-add receiver. Was Devonta out? Sure. Is the Eagles' offense also anemic? Also, yes. There really aren’t many scenarios where benching Rhamondre, and netting that safe floor of 10 or so points, is going to be worse than Wicks. Tyler was banking on a Wicks pop game, and the chances of it happening were basically nil. Inevitably, what we all pretty much knew would happen, happened. Tough break for the kid, but a loss he deservedly wears. You wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Will Hunting Smartest Call Award – Daniel runs the two-TE method, steals a 2-point win over Grant in Week 3
After I pioneered the double-TE method in 2019 (yes, I am claiming that as mine), it has been tried by many league members—usually with very bad results. However, I am still a sucker for a manager who has the wits to play two TEs, and Daniel-San executed it to perfection, slotting Kelce in as his main TE and Juwan Johnson into the flex. Just textbook managing from the top shelf by Daniel en route to downing Grant by just 2 points. He needed every single point from his TEs to win. Do you like apples? Well, I got her numbah! How do you like them apples!?
Gus Bus Best Bench Award – Alex for stranding 90.05 points on the pine in Week 4 as he lost to Daniel
In an absolutely brutal break for the Commish, the season from hell continued for Alex, culminating in a devastatingly awful amount of points left on his bench in Week 4. Alex had every opportunity to win against Daniel, who could only muster 138 points. However, Alex said, hold my beer, and barely eclipsed 100 on his way to a good old-fashioned shellacking in this matchup of former champions. The onslaught of total shit Alex has endured this season will probably be studied by Fantasy Scientists and Academics in the future. We can add this to the pile. Ohh… there must be steroids in macaroni!
Dominic Toretto Ballsiest Call Award – Justin spends 150 FAAB on Ollie Gordon, pays off in two-point victory over yours truly
Listen, this one was teed up to easily be the worst call of the season. The man wasted his entire FAAB budget on one player, likely on the only team in the league actively trying to lose games, going up against the best defense in the league in his first start. I mean, the Dolphins' offense has been beyond bad with Achane, so why would Ollie freaking Gordon be some prized waiver add? Spoiler Alert: He isn’t. That said, Justin didn’t care. He showed some real balls to do what he did, and it paid off handsomely when Ollie. Freaking. Gordon. ran for 100 yards and a tuddy. I couldn’t believe it either. While this is most certainly going to backfire on Justin—at least for the first week of the Ollie Gordon experience—he gets the Dom Toretto Award. Ask any racer. Any real racer. It don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning.
Power Rankings:
For this special edition of the power rankings, I will bring back one of my favorite bits and provide a movie scene that best encapsulates the general theme or motif of each of your seasons so far. Without further ado, let’s get into it!
1. Kshak 3-1; Power Score: 9.15
Taking the pole position of the first power rankings in over three years is my bitter rival, and second half to my heated blood-feud, good ol’ Big Kev. It brings me no pleasure throwing praise his direction, but I call it how I see it. His impressive 598.55 points scored through four weeks is pacing the league, and his white-hot 25-11 League Record also clocks in as tops in the league as well. Even with his Week 2 blemish against KP in the “Kevin Bowl”, Big Kev’s season has been coming up all roses thus far. Sporting a treasure trove of elite RBs, his squad has proven through four weeks to be more lethal than a T-Sizzle breakup banger, and now he squarely finds himself as the frontrunner for a Belt at the quarter mark of the season. Still, Kev had no business racking up a team this strong, and yet again we just let it happen. As he kept drafting top-end RB talent, we just stood by idly without so much as a peep, knowing damn well we’d end up here. Like our boy Ruffalo says… “WE KNEW! WE KNEW AND WE LET IT HAPPEN!”
Long Sigh*
Now I have to be subjected to him posting dumb AI memes of himself on the message boards… I can’t… I— I just can’t. Who’s next?
2. Tborgs 2-2; Power Score: 8.00
Moving down into the 2-hole, we find our reigning belt holder Tyler, looking to accomplish what no team in history has done yet: Repeat. Arguably the hardest feat in Fantasy redraft formats due to the sheer luck involved in winning any given year, Tyler has set himself up well through four games to put himself in the conversation again this season. Propped up by a Week 1 spike to the tune of 183 points, Tyler sits 3rd in the league in scoring, but impressively has netted a sterling 23-11 League Record, propelling him into the top tier of the Power Rankings. Undoubtedly Kenny “The Runner” Walker has stood out as his prized draft pick, an absolutely electric piece for the young man poised to make a run at accomplishing the impossible in his 2026 campaign. You know what, you won it all last year—why even try that hard. The house always wins. But Tyler can't help but think this is the one year he can actually beat the house in way of accomplishing the first ever repeat.
3. BigPapaPump92 3-1; Power Score: 7.65
Next up is our second Kevin in the top three, the embattled manager of yesteryear, KP, off to a fantastic 3-1 start to kick off his bid for another postseason run. While the wins have been there, I honestly don’t really have a whole lot to offer in the way of positives, though. I don’t think I am going out on a limb saying that he’s somehow managed to finagle some Jedi sorcery or some shit to escape by the tiniest of those dangling little hairs on the cheek of his ass. We will just say his games have been less Snicklefritz and a lot more Snickledud. Is he 3-1? Sure. But his fraudulent record has hoisted him up all the way here. So, when we pop open the hood and take a deeper looksy at the engine of KP's team, to no one’s surprise we find he is struggling mightily to put up points (third-to-last in Points For) while also having the fourth-lowest amount of points scored against. The math ain’t hard. Unadulterated and uncut luck, purer than the blue crystal Walt and Jesse were cooking up, has been the prevailing story for KP’s season. After that, I just can’t give you much more in the way of analysis. No matter what he does, he fails upwards. He’s Peter, parading through our league offices in jeans and a T-shirt like he owns us all, not a care in the world. And why should he? He just keeps winning… you know, after he showed up 15 minutes late, came in the side door so Lumbergh didn’t see him, and spent multiple hours spaced out staring at his roster pretending to “work.”
4. jressa 1-3; Power Score: 6.70
Sliding safely into the fourth slot is yours truly, with maybe our first controversial ranking of the season. Capturing only a single dub while also in the midst of a brutal three-game skid, sniping the fourth spot definitely seems like a reach at first glance. Listen, we get it. However, I have quietly put together one of my most consistent starts to a season in a long time. Sans a Week 2 dud, I’ve put up over 150 each week and am just 1-2 in those matchups. I don’t know what I have done to piss off the Fantasy Gods, but I have been smitten by a historic and devastating case of maybe the most awful stretch of luck we’ve ever seen. I literally can’t catch a break. I’ve had an ungodly 660 points hung on me this season. To put that in perspective, that’s an average score of 165 points per week. This isn’t even to mention that I am literally 5 points away from being 3-1 and likely sitting in the top spot of these very power rankings after enduring back-to-back heartbreak hotel defeats by an infinitesimal margin of less than 3 points. Outside of the Points Against, I’m also rocking the second-most Points For and am in sole possession of the third-best League Record (a very solid 21-15). Remind me again how I am 1-3? You all think you can just keep doing this to me?
How many games has Daniel scored 170 and still lost? He hasn’t.
How many games has KP scored 170 and still lost? He hasn’t.
How many games has Big Kev scored 170 and still lost? He hasn’t.
You better get your shit together fellas, because I am not coming back this season just for the playoffs… I AM COMING BACK TO WIN THE WHOLE THING!!
5. JStunna35 2-2; Power Score: 6.50
Next on up, moving down the rankings, and it’s the league newbie, Justin, finding himself squarely in the middle of the pack at number five. To be honest, this feels about right for the fresh-faced rookie manager—a true enigma where we can’t quite get a grasp on what his team actually is, but more on that later. What we really need to address is the fact that the Justin experience in our league has been unique to say the least. It’s like he entered this league and instantly suffered a complete, catastrophic loss of impulse control. In classic rookie fashion, he is out here premature ejaculating trade proposals left and right with all the frantic, sticky desperation of a 13-year old discovering "Skin-emax" for the first time. To say his style of managing is to spam the league with terrible trade offers, doesn't do it justice just how awful it has been seeing his terrible trade offers constantly. Then he has the gall to actually complain people don’t want to work with him? I’m honestly sorry I ever bashed Kyle, because I’m truly at a loss… But I digress.
Digging into his team’s performance through a quarter of his first year, it’s been a hell of a roller coaster. On top of his front office's inability to operate with even a modicum of decorum, displaying an abhorrent disregard for anything resembling professionalism, it is no secret that Justin has been sneaking out of his house for late-night rendezvous with our old flame, that notorious lady of the night lurking ominously in the mucky back alleys of the league: Madame Inconsistency. Justin has unabashedly spent week after week wooing her more than any team I can think of in recent memory. He holds the highest-scoring week in the early going of the season at 194.05 points, but also failed to crack 126 in Weeks 1 and 3. A 19-17 League Record isn’t too shabby, good for dead middle of the league at 5th, while also finding himself at 4th in the league in overall scoring. So, like I said, is his team any good? Your guess is as good as mine. What I do know is Justin is officially our league’s Alan: the weird new guy who randomly shows up (Week 2) to go off and surprise everyone like Alan counting cards at blackjack. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden!
6. DanielWest 3-1; Power Score: 6.45
Moving along down the rankings, we find our guy, Daniel-San, showing up at the top… of the bottom half of the rankings in the six-hole. While we eviscerated KP’s 3-1 record, it really doesn’t hold a candle to the multibillion-dollar international money laundering scheme-level fraud this motherfucker has been running. He makes KP’s 3-1 look like a cheap street hustle. While he sits comfortably with a 3-1 record atop the league standings, the inner workings of his team are downright pathetic. His best game came in a loss, dropping his Week 1 match to me while putting up a cool 166 points. Since then, he has averaged a paltry 128 points per game during a fucking three-game winning streak. I don’t need to say more than that. We will give him this: his Coach Performance is tops in the league, surrendering a total of just 29.7 points on the season. So good job by him, I guess.
Coming back for yet another season is our favorite Sideline Shawty, the Foxy Mama herself, to bring the inside scoop on Daniel’s team. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s Erin Andrews! Erin, even with everything we talked about, what are the rumblings you are getting out of the locker room? Does Dan the Man care he’s being called a fraud?
“No.”
Wow! Absolutely electric stuff from our crack reporter and three-time defending champion of the Upper Northeast Indiana chapter of the Brothers of the Barricade Men’s Club Sexiest TV Correspondents Contest, Erin Andrews. Until next time, Erin, keep that ass looking sexy as ever. At any rate, it’s long been an open secret that he spent half a decade haunting the subterranean depths of this league, rotting in the cellar like cheap vinegar. Yet today, Daniel-San has become a stalwart of the upper crust who conducts his business from the balcony of the league standings year in and year out. We mustn’t take him for granted or look past the former champ. He didn’t adopt the darkness; he was raised in it.
7. Cholgerson34 2-2; Power Score: 6.10
As we continue our plummet down the rankings, fitting into the 7th position nicely is an old favorite: The Car. We could talk all about his start to the 2026 season. We could talk about his middling statistics, like his second-lowest amount of Points Against (497.25). We could even mention his not-too-shabby stats, like his 4th-best Coach Performance (48.9 points left on the bench) and 4th-best League Record (20-16). However, it would not be fair to ignore the elephant in the room: Carl has unfinished business this season. We can’t look past the fact that this man put up hands down the greatest regular season in league history, only to fall short of closing it out with a belt. Hey, we get it. Yours truly is no stranger to taking the first-place regular season title only to choke away our shot at the belt in the playoffs. So please heed the wise words of Alec Baldwin: “ABC. Always. Be. Closing.” You think I am fucking with you!? Only one thing matters: a belt. You close or you hit the bricks!
8. MoneyPileKyle 2-2; Power Score: 4.15
Furthering our descent down the rankings, we’ve officially reached the “Bad Team” Zone, and who do we find here? Our old pal, and one of the all-time punching bags for the staff (of just me), Mr. Kyle. As you know we can never do, we cannot and we will not sugarcoat it for the beleaguered manager. Kyle once again displayed a unique acuity for fantasy incompetence, only mustering up the fourth-lowest amount of Points For in the league while having the least amount of Points Against. He also hasn’t been doing himself many favors with his coaching decisions, leaving 59.7 points on his bench, which is also fourth-worst in the league. None of that sounds great, but you know what? He does have Josh Allen. You know what else? He has spent his FAAB this season, he doesn’t roster six TEs, and he actually faintly resembles something of an actual fantasy manager. He’s Dale and Brennan showing up for the interviews in tuxedos. He’s starting to look the part (kind of), even though he is not remotely qualified or cut out for the position.
9. KenUDigit 1-3; Power Score: 3.10
10. AlexAshak 1-3; Power Score: 2.55
And there we are. We’ve finally made it to the very bottom of the league power rankings, where Grant and Alex sit squarely attached ass-to-mouth, human centipede-style, to the league Power Rankings. It’s a dark and lonely place down here, and since I’ve exhausted most of my thoughts on the teams that have shown at least some minuscule ounce of hope, I will just lump our two dumpster divers into one blurb together. Grant is officially this year's injury-riddled team (there’s always one), and he’s reached peak desperation trying to find usable players to fill out a startable roster each week. It’s bad, and the stats back it up: second-to-last in League Record (8-28) and second-to-last in Points For (473.40). It’s honestly a shock he even has one win so far, but he was able to get off the schneid in Week 4… so that’s cool. He’s clearly wandering aimlessly through the streets of San Diego right now, wondering what happened to his team.
As for the commish? I mean, what is there to say? Is there a single redeeming quality to his season so far? The numbers say no. Dead fucking last in League Record (7-29) and dead fucking last in Points For (439.85). Not only that, he’s roughly 100 points behind Kyle, who’s third-to-last in the league in scoring. That’s almost 30 MORE points than Kyle is behind the highest-scoring team in the league. This doesn’t even point out that Alex has left a whopping 96.25 points chilling on the pine, good for—yup, you guessed it—Dead. Fucking. Last. It’s a masterclass in futility and absolute, unbridled ineptitude. I don’t know how he does it. Moving forward, if he describes his team, it will just be “Worst Team Imaginable.” That’s all he has to say, and just leave it there.
Welp, that is going to do it for this edition of the Passionate Playback. It has been extra special returning again and once again writing about the league. If you were scoring at home, we hit over 5100 words, so all the people the took the over on 4250.5 hit on that. As always, good luck and godspeed in Week 5! Until next time, J-Tricky out!
